First time mum to be in need of some reassurance... are the first months really so bad?

[Marghe87]

Hi all,

I am a first time mum to be, feeling very excited and curious to begin this new adventure. Over the past few months, I have been speaking to lots of people and reading (too) many forum discussions about the first few months of parenthood and I seem to notice a general trend of people feeling extremely overwhelmed, stressed, at times depressed and overall not enjoying new motherhood at all.
Whilst I completely understand that all these feelings are very common and also natural, I was hoping someone could share a positive story and maybe help me look at things with a different outlook? I am fully aware of the fact that every mum and baby are different and we each have our own personal circumstances and ways to react to life challenges but I just wish there was more positivity out there.

I found that people often want to share negative stories to "keep things real" but, actually, that has now become the trend and I struggle to come across people who look at things in a different way.

Thank you in advance,
x

I think people who have a good experience just don't tend to be the ones who post about it. The Internet has become a place where people go to vent and seek support, which is great obviously for people needing to see that, no bashing intended at all.

For the sake of your question though, personally, no it wasn't for me, what you have described reading. Sure there's those nights where you sit on the sofa and cry because you're SO exhausted, but coming from someone who had very easy babies (1+2 anyway - 3 was colicky so admittedly much more demanding), exclusively bf so no pumping for dh to help with night feeds and waking etc, no babysitting from family or friends as baby didn't leave my side for 6 months, I absolutely love those early weeks. There is nothing like it in the world. So yes, know and prepare yourself that it can be hard, you will be exhausted, but don't scare yourself that you're just going to be willing away the days. I rarely felt like that in all honesty.

But, it's SO important you allow yourself to alter your standards - don't fret if the washing up sits there until the evening, forget about the housework if it doesn't get done right away, rest and sleep when you can, keep your baby alive and thriving - in the short term at least, nothing else matters but your baby and your own health, physical and mental.

I think it's all about expectations - social media has all these celeb mum's with their contour and hair done but the reality is that their mum has moved in or they have a nanny!

I physically felt like I'd been hit by a bus for months but found dealing with baby to be actually ok - mix bag in terms of sleep but you just have to prioritise naps over housework. I think support is vital, my DH was hands on and v supportive even though he works away a lot. Having a group of mates you can message at 4am is useful too!

I knew having a baby would be tough, but nothing had prepared me for how tough. It was really, really hard.

But that doesn’t mean it was all awful. There’s nothing like your sleeping newborn napping on your chest and you’re just so in love with this tiny thing that you made, that you think your heart might burst. And you can spend an hour just staring at the baby do nothing more than sleep!

We had an awful time for the first 6 months with my DS. But I love him to pieces, could t imagine my life without him and we’re about to do it all over again, so it can’t have been THAT bad! It is hard but totally worth it.

Like others have said, it depends on the baby. I remember saying to my DH just before the birth 'it'll be fine as long as we don't get some refluxy nightmare'. Well, turns out we did and she did nothing but scream for the first 8 weeks and wouldn't be put down anywhere, not even for a nanosecond.

I had PND and felt completely traumatised by the early weeks, but nothing lasts forever and now she's a delightful 1 year old and I love her so much I could cry!

So yes, I'm afraid that for me the newborn phase was truly horrific but it was worth it in the end (not doing it again though!).

Yes and no, hardest thing I’ve ever done but also the happiest I’ve ever been!

I didn't enjoy those early months. Mat leave was the most isolating and boring time of my life and I got so down, DC went to nursery pt at four and five months and I went back to work for my sanity. Luckily they were good sleepers.
Having said that my friends were all at work and we had no family help at all. Going back to work was the first childfree time we got and god did I need that space.
From three years onwards it was fab.

@cptartapp thats exactly what im doing. DS is going to nursery at 5 months and im going back to work. Ive hated mat leave, its been one of the hardest periods of my life....and ive done a tour of duty in Afghanistan

They're 17 and 15 now. We're all bonded well enough. Never a moments regret.

DC1 was a delightfully easy baby (who loved sleeping) and the early months with her were brilliant. It’s not always a sleepless struggle.

feeling extremely overwhelmed, stressed, at times depressed
This is true for most, it's natural. And it's good to read/hear those stories so you know you're not alone or abnormal when it happens to you
*
and overall not enjoying new motherhood*
I'd argue this is not necessarily the same.

I was completely overwhelmed and stressed and anxious a year ago when my DS was a newborn. But I also overall absolutely loved being a mother.

It's cliche, but it's cliche for a reason: The days are long but weeks are short.

@LividLaughLovely

It’s the best thing ever.

But at 4am when you’ve had thirty minutes sleep, the hardest too.

THIS

Its not all bad. Baby here is 2 months old. So born during lockdown also. Its really been fine. We have had odd moments of being tired etc, but generally, its what we expected. He isn't a fan of being put down much still, but on the whole has been a relatively 'easy' baby so far. Easy in that he sleeps, poops, eats, etc average for his age.

Dh and I have still found time in amongst new baby, and lockdown to be ourselves still

Have to add that tbh I didn’t hear much negativity pre my first baby at all. All I heard was that the first few weeks/months were hard but that it would get much easier....
I’m not saying this to be all doom and gloom but I found in two of my kids their sleep just got worse and worse and it just simply didn’t get easier until they were 4 . That’s just my experience though and like I said in my pp the first year for me with all my kids was honestly wonderful.
I absolutely loved the baby stage. But wish people had mentioned or even gave their experiences of toddlers and sleep issues in older kids as I honestly was really clueless about this.
I also think that first time parents don’t want to hear it though as they can’t stand the idea that their lives will change completely. Lots of my friends are just having their first or thinking of it and I can see they don’t want to know, only this weekend my pregnant friend and her dh visited and looked really uncomfortable when my toddler had a tantrum and my older two were running around like crazy (not bad behavior , very standard).
They were just like “ how do you do this all the time”. But like me pre kids they’ll just say it’ll be different for them.
My dh and I did loads of traveling pre kids and had a pretty adventurous life and though we have still travel and still do lots of camping and its wonderful with our beautiful children it’s also exhausting and of course not at all the same.
So I guess some people might not want to be negative but so important to be honest. I find where I live people tend to keep it all in.. Lockdown has been really challenging on a lot of people with small children. Whereas in real life all I hear about is how great it is not to have the school run and how it’s wonderful to have all this qt ...for 6 months.. When I chat with my friends on a one to one they often then admit to struggling and two have started taking ads over lockdown.
I’m totally waffling but my point is people vent on here and other sites cause it’s a place where we can be honest. I find the real world is a lot less open to talking about the reality of parenting etc. I love having three dcs and having a family, I’m so lucky but it’s been very , very hard also and it’s ok to say that too.

I haven't read the full thread, but for me personally, the first 6 months are really easy. It's as easy as parenting gets. If you have a collicky baby, allergies etc it may be different, but I honestly found they period like a giant holiday.

I spent time going on holiday, 4 hour lunches with friends, socialising and honestly had an absolute ball.

Once they become mobile it's a totally different ball game, and then when you go back to work (and they are probably still not sleeping well) it becomes harder still, and then if you have a second, that's a bit different again, but by then you're pretty experienced.

But not everyone has the shellshock first few months. Some of us really enjoy it. We just don't broadcast that much unless asked because it would seem insensitive.

Agree completely @Babyboomtastic particularly in the case of a first baby as no other kids to look after. Mine didn’t sleep well either but I found it massively relaxing , enjoyable and also like a holiday! We ate out for hours , travelled twice to different countries to visit family , I watched loads of box sets...
The first year was a total breeze even with my refluxy baby as luckily they slept in a sling.
The second they started on the move it completely changed to being exhausted, not able to sit for 5 seconds , no dinners/coffees out or they were very, very short affairs, goodbye box sets etc. So unless you have a really difficult baby it might be the same for you op!

@Thefab3

I was half way through a response to you to say that I agreed with you about toddlers. But then I lost it as I got sat on by a toddler and a baby...

I agree that people should be more realistic about older babies and toddlers. I can understand not wanting to scare people that might be finding the baby phase difficult, but when people say they can't do things because of a tiny baby now, I wonder if they'll regret it when their child is older as often it's their last chance before the madness really begins

I get just as little sleep now as when they were tiny, just with no chance to catch up in the day as they nap less and there's work etc. And you can't leave them in a Moses basket or a playmat whilst you pee, as you'll find them on top of furniture, riding the cat or suckling cables.

I love some aspects of toddlerhood, and it's very rewarding, by my goodness it's a lot more effort!

I was and am ( my youngest is 3) a lot more tired with a toddler than a newborn...
I also think this when somebody says they can’t even go to the bathroom with a baby ( and I had one screamer!) , they don’t move so you can put them down , if I had turned my back on any of mine at 18 months plus... and they were well able to escape anything so my playpen idea didn’t work...
I will say though my eldest is 8 and such a fantastic, easy going boy and it’s v v easy at this age. But yes.... 18 months to 4 years was my “cant do anything , go anywhere , have hot tea experience..”
I met a friend and her newborn pre-covid for a long leisurely lunch and thankfully she is having a great ftm experience , she did say at one point as her baby slept peacefully in the pram “this is not half bad and we really are doing a lot of the same things we did before” not quite getting that I was sitting across from her without my 3 climby, mobile kids for pretty good reasons!