First time mum to be in need of some reassurance... are the first months really so bad?

[Marghe87]

Hi all,

I am a first time mum to be, feeling very excited and curious to begin this new adventure. Over the past few months, I have been speaking to lots of people and reading (too) many forum discussions about the first few months of parenthood and I seem to notice a general trend of people feeling extremely overwhelmed, stressed, at times depressed and overall not enjoying new motherhood at all.
Whilst I completely understand that all these feelings are very common and also natural, I was hoping someone could share a positive story and maybe help me look at things with a different outlook? I am fully aware of the fact that every mum and baby are different and we each have our own personal circumstances and ways to react to life challenges but I just wish there was more positivity out there.

I found that people often want to share negative stories to "keep things real" but, actually, that has now become the trend and I struggle to come across people who look at things in a different way.

Thank you in advance,
x

My DD is one next month and looking back the first few months weren’t too bad, she wasn’t a great sleeper but relatively content most of the time! Yes your life is turned upside down, you can’t just go for a shower or eat or sleep when you want to and I found that the hardest part - once I accepted that it got easier!

Honestly I’ve found it harder recently as she’s more demanding but we get time to ourselves in the evenings now so swings in roundabouts.

PP are right depends on the baby and your support system, hands on father will make a world of difference. Lower your household standards if you need to and ask for help when you can.

To end on a positive nothing will bring you joy like your baby does, all the stress and sleepless nights are worth it in the end! Good luck x

Compared to the toddler years the early months are a doddle!

It really does depend on the baby. The 1st 4 weeks were tricky with mine because he was very hungry and cluster fed constantly. Then we got a bit more used to each other and I got loads of stuff done while he napped either I think the sling or on the floor. It gets hard again once they crawl as they have no sense of danger at all and eat everything. Gets easier again once they are toddling properly and are a bit more aware of their surroundings

It is hard, but also bloody lovely. I spent hours just watching my little one in the first week, me and my partner cooing over how incredibly beautiful she is (I can confirm in hindsight that she just looked like every other baby )

It's nuts and bewildering and so much easier if you have a hands-on partner, so you can navigate it together.

A few things that helped me... I lowered my expectations - babies that age usually just want to feed or sleep on you, so get comfy and don't stress if they won't be put down. Get lots of treats in, we had some lovely friends who bought us fancy healthy ready meals and sweet treats and it was a godsend. Get your comfy clothes ready now, I showered every morning and put on clean loungewear so I felt presentable and clean, made me feel so much better about the day ahead. And finally, Mumsnet for all those questions you have, from breastfeeding to what sling to buy, there is so much knowledge to be found on this site and it has helped me so much more than my HV or GP have.

I'm 9 weeks in now and my days are full of Netflix, long walks, cups of tea and carrying my wee one around so she can talk to the walls and smile at the fairylights. It's a bit tedious and isolating sometimes (especially in lockdown) but I never expected mat leave to be a party. Good luck OP and keep that positive mindset, you'll be great!

The first few months are really quite difficult. I didn't know if it was night or day for the first few weeks and with my first, didn't reliably manage to brush my teeth every day for about the first month. It's less about it being hard. It is hard, but nothing you can't manage. But it's the drastic change. One day you can nap and eat when you want and are sleeping at night. And then whoosh, the next day you are on 24 hours a day, every day, 7 days a week with no let up. It's relentless. You can't go anywhere. It's hard to have a conversation or sit down to a proper dinner with your partner. If you happen to have friends who are available during the day (you'll be in no condition to meet up with friends in the evening, I was in bed by 7 most nights), it's still hard to just carry on a conversation because you are constantly distracted. It does get easier. Closer to 4/5/6 months, you get the hang of it and you can have a bit more independence and it's good to make use of it. Where possible, leave your baby with your partner and go do something for yourself.

I find that people always post 'no one told me how hard it was going to be!'
When I was thinking... all I hear about is how people find it soo hard! Did people think it was going to be easy? And their lives weren't going to change? We were so ready for the change! I haven't had one day as a Mam as bad as when I was struggling with infertility/failed IVF and the awful feeling I would never be a Mam.

Yes in ways it is hard, but the benefits outweigh it so much!
I love being a Mam and can't believe she's going to be turning a year old. Sleepless nights.... are hard! I've always been a shift worker so I wasn't affected as much as my husband but even shift work doesn't prepare! But when you get up through the night and you see their little face! 😀
Yes you have days where the whole house is a mess, baby crying and your thinking wtf do I do!
I have found I just smile and nod at people telling me their experiences and do my own thing, as you said every mam and baby are different. Take advice and mould into how it can help you.
Congratulations x

My LO is 7 months and I've loved every bit, even when hideously sleep deprived.

I do understand why people struggle though. The loss of self is overwhelming.

@beansontoast20 sums it up perfectly to be honest.

As for people who say it’s incredibly difficult, but have gone on to have more, I know from personal experience that the second time was a walk in the park compared to the first time. Nothing can prepare you for all you have to learn as a FTM...from actual baby care, right through to learning how to cope on the massive compromises of personal freedom / restrictions that come with having a baby. I stupidly imagined a baby would be completely portable, that they’d sit there nicely from time to time whilst I perused a book...it wasn’t like that at all!

I think it’s great that you have positive expectations, as I truly think that may help to have a more positive experience. Good luck.

Yy to expectations.

DS was a relaxed baby but still woke for a feed past 1y. He had all the routine, baby groups, fresh air etc. The hardest thing was the adjustment from being child free and doing as I pleased.

DD has been born during lockdown, no groups, fewer walks, naps as and when but sleeps 10pm-6am pretty reliably (for now! ). The house is usually strewn with toys and I don't usually get make up on much less unelasticated clothes! I've put a lot less pressure on myself to be perfect.

My baby is 11 weeks now and @mindutopia has summed it up perfectly for me.

My daughter turned one this week. The first 4 months or so were easy she woke every 4 hours for a feed and went back to sleep that's pretty much it for that time period. 6 months onward once she could sit is when the fun starts as got bored very easily and I now spend 99% of my day on the living room floor it's hard work but obviously so worth it. I got into a good routine early on and from 5 months or so it's been pretty regular and now I look forward to every nap time 🤣

The first 4 months or so were easy she woke every 4 hours for a feed and went back to sleep that's pretty much it for that time period.

You’re very lucky - that hasn’t been my experience at all!

@atvh I understand that's not the same for everyone. I bottlefed from the start as did my friends and they have had the same experience so maybe that makes a difference? I don't know just my experience.

I have to say, I think “trend” is a strange word to use OP. Would you rather people being able to share their difficult experiences was just a passing fad, and that we all go back to keeping quiet and struggling in silence? If you don’t want to read any more about people finding it hard, then maybe just don’t click on those threads. Sorry for the rant - I just don’t want anyone who is finding it difficult to feel like they’re tiresome or a burden.

@20viona DS is also bottle fed, but getting him to sleep during the day is proving impossible!

A lot depends on your baby and your expectations. With DD1 I was totally prepared to feel like I'd been hit by a bus, based on people's descriptions. She was a contented baby who slept pretty well. It was fine! Some rough days, definitely a few tired weeks, but it wasn't hard. I had very low expectations of myself in terms of housework, routine and general air of perfection - that meant I was free to just sit around cuddling my baby in front of Netflix, pottering about on the floor with her, and going for little strolls. It's harder of you expect to live your old life with the baby just magically fitting in, if you have high housework standards, or spend too much time looking at perfect mummies on Instagram. Or if you get a difficult baby - as DD2 taught me! Be prepared it might be tough. But don't panic! It might not be.

I think the 'trend' was women pretending everything was wonderful. I think its much healthier now that people speak up and tell real experiences.

Unfortunately those ‘negative’ stories very accurately reflect my experience of early parenthood. My DD was an absolute nightmare baby, she had colic and screamed for hours everyday and she NEVER slept. It was sheer utter hell and I felt desperately helpless and was sure that I’d ruined my life. But...I hadn’t, after the first 12 weeks it got better, and then when she could crawl, walk, talk etc it got better still. She’s still a real handful but give me a toddler over a newborn anyway! At least her routine is predictable and she’s not attached to me 24/7 like a newborn. Oh, and she loves to sleep now!!

I have recently had DS and unfortunately for me, he is the exact same as DD sad he’s amazing but a real high-needs baby and I’m finding the colic very hard to deal with again. But I don’t feel nearly as helpless as I did the first time because I know it gets better.

You’ll be ok OP, whatever type of baby you get you will get through it and love them completely.

I think it must be really really hard for some women, depending upon the baby.

But I also feel that there is a lot of realistic negativity in describing parenthood which I personally didn’t find. DD has been, so far, a very chilled baby and so has slotted in to life pretty easily. I suspect this won’t continue forever but so far, we have only had the good bits and not the awful bits.

It's not THAT bad but I'll be honest. It was a struggle. The main issue was going from having 8 hours sleep a night to horrific sleep deprivation. I would have found the whole thing 1000 times easier if I wasn't sleep deprived. It's also the fact your life changes so dramatically over night. All of sudden a quick trip to the shops seems like mission impossible. You sit down for a meal and the baby cries. You go to have a shower, the baby cries. You're with a tiny baby more or less 24/7 and that does take some getting used to! It was hard for me because my baby cried all the time. I wasn't imagining it. Everyone noticed she was always crying. However despite all this I never felt depressed. Utterly exhausted and run down yes but I was coping. I always knew the baby stage was so short in the scheme of things, it would pass quickly and then parenthood would be more rewarding and fun. It gets easier quickly. By 6 months I was enjoying it a lot more. My DD really became a little person then. By 1 year I was loving it. Both my children starting sleeping through (7pm-7am) at 1 year old and both times it felt like winning the lottery! By best advice is just grit your teeth and get through the hard bits. Tell yourself it'll get easier, you'll sleep again, they're only babies for a short time (this was my mantra). Enjoy the lovely moments - the first smile, the cuddles, watching them grow and develop so quickly, seeing glimpses of their personality in the first few months. It's tough but amazing.

I firmly believe that PND is simply a normal reaction to having your freedom, your sleep and your body suddenly taken away.

I don't want to derail the thread but this is nonsense and hugely belittles the experience of PND sufferers.

The experience of becoming a mum has been the best and most rewarding of my life. For all the reasons already outlined in this thread, it is also very hard. Particularly the sleep deprivation.

The one thing that I was not prepared for, was how hard it has been on my relationship with my DH. It results in unavoidable minor conflict Which has been tough on us.
I think we will get through it but you need to spend time on your relationship too.

I know I might be alone in this here but I have three dcs and found the newborn stage and first year the easiest stage so far!!
In fact by the time number 3 came around , I was so clued up that I decorated the house while I had a newborn as they can’t move and do a lot of sleeping (usually during the day , I get babies vary) . I actually, hand on heart found it blissful , I also had great births , body completely normal a week after and breastfeeding was absolutely fine bar mastitis once and I had absolutely no extra support apart from dh (who is/was great but went back to work after two weeks each time.
However my smugness was very short lived..... I found the toddler stage in each case very, very , very hard. It’s a total transition to go from immobile , portable baby where I could sit and read, watch Netflix , paint , draw ( only with my first obvs!) to not being able to do anything when the baby starts to move... I actually massively struggled from 18 months on each time and I had two kids whose sleep was much worse between 1-4 years old than when they were newborns!
I remember being pregnant with my third and planned things like a trip to Spain that we couldn’t do past the first year as I find traveling with a toddler a total nightmare.
The reason I’m saying this is because everyone has their own experiences, babies are all soooooo different BUT I can’t believe how much people all seem to go on about how hard the newborn bit is (I totally get some plp have a much harder time than I did ) in comparison to the toddler 1years + bit which I found insanely difficult and I didn’t have even have very easy babies at all, one had reflux and I had to hold him 24/7 but had a sling.
Honestly op with our first it was a walk in the park and he wasn’t a good sleeper (we were both 28 though so more energy) but I remember we could have long leisurely dinners out, could still travel , meet friends. (You don’t have other kids to look after so this is also a billion times easier).
Think this made the transition to toddlerdom so much harder for us, no sleeping in a sling (you should get one! ) , no sleeping in buggies etc. I remember being in ikea with all three once and seeing a lovely couple with their peaceful baby in a sling looking very smug and then me running after three going in different directions, one having a tantrum etc and I remember very fondly that stage that they were at, the easy newborn bit...
You might well find it the same but like me and others there’s always going to be challenges along the way. Good luck

It depends on your birth and your recovery, any health issues your baby may or may not have and your baby’s temperament.

Lots of people have an easy time. I think it does depend a bit on how free and independent you have been up to the point of having the baby because that's the thing that changes most.

I do remember feeling exactly as you do when pregnant with my first and I think I started a thread about it in fact! I think people are trying to prepare you when they talk like that mostly so you don't expect too much of yourself. It's very easy to think you are doing rubbishly when they are tiny when in fact you're doing just as well as everyone else! People tend to miss out the feelings having your first engenders because they are so complex they are difficult to describe, but for me the sense of 'rightness' - that's the only way I can describe it - made all the difficulty worth it.