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Parenting

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Original poster

If you die who have you appointed to look after your children?

91 replies

Lsquiggles · 03/07/2020 16:16

I'm just looking to draft up a will as with a house and a child we should've by now really.

I was just wondering who you have put down in your will as a guardian for your children?

Is it pointless putting your parents as they are likely to die before you? Sorry, morbid I know! I'd like to put my sister as we're very close and she loves my dd but wanted to see what others think, is it rude to not put my parents? I may be over thinking this

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Echobelly · 03/07/2020 20:52

Haven't made this official and really should, but DH and I have discussed. I think it has to be his brother and family - they have a reasonable amount of space, kids of a similar age and leave near so our kids could remain at their own schools. I might have said my sister, as they have only the one child and lots of room, and have wondered in the past, but now they are about to move to a different part of the country, so I guess that settles it.

MrsTravers · 03/07/2020 20:56

We have my sister and DH's sister. I suspect if a guardian were needed it would be mine, as she doesn't have children of her own but it AMAZING with the DC (better than me!!) and they love her to bits. We have plenty of insurance and they are both are trustees of our estate so that both of our families remain involved.

Iamamadeupname · 03/07/2020 20:58

Parents and brother named as guardians. It was explained to us by the solicitor that their responsibility is to help make the best decision about where the children will live. The appointment of guardians in the will is not necessarily binding on social services but does indicate the parents intentions.

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Firefliess · 03/07/2020 21:13

Have recently changed it from my ex (DD's dad) to DH, which would be more appropriate now DD is 16 and sees less of her dad. Her dad is still back up though if DH and I die together. DSis has named for her kids - she and her DH having apparently weighted up until pros and cons of their be various siblings! With teens, I'd definitely choose a local family member or friend if I had one

Megan2018 · 03/07/2020 21:20

We don’t have anyone. DH no contact with his siblings who live abroad and don’t speak English now (although they are British by birth). MIL and FIL are 80’s and appalling people.
My parents are lovely but too old and my brother couldn’t look after a goldfish. I genuinely don’t know anyone I could ask, my 2 closest friends are childless by choice as they don’t like children.
I just have to hope that it doesn’t happen as she will end up in social care sadly.

Megan2018 · 03/07/2020 21:22

I should add though that DD would inherit £1m+ in assets and cash if we both die though. So money isn’t the issue!

Pumpertrumper · 03/07/2020 21:31

Our baby DS would go to my MIL (60) right now.
She lived with us throughout lockdown and knows his routines and personality.

I get the whole ‘she’s too old’ point of view but that only means something if you have appropriately aged family members who are a better option.

Our choices are;
A- 20 yo sibling at uni
B- 30 yo sibling without kids (by choice)
C- 32 yo cousin with small children (lives in a different country)
D- my parents (one of whom is a carer for elderly relative, the other has cancer).

Mumoftwo12345 · 03/07/2020 22:16

I am becoming increasingly anxious about this as we don't have a will written yet. I'm a bit worried that if I die my children will be split up as my DD1 is from my previous marriage.
I would really like my daughters to stay together as they are very close but unsure legally if that is likely to happen.

trilbydoll · 03/07/2020 22:24

My inlaws, as they live locally and when dd was born they were still in their 50s. We have always said we'd review the situation as they and the kids got older. Neither sibling was in a position to take kids on when we did the wills, at the moment I think on balance it would still be better for PIL to take them. We'll see what happens over the next few years. DD1 is 7yo already so she'll be able to decide for herself before too long!

Firefliess · 03/07/2020 23:10

@mumoftwo - if your DD1's dad is named on her birth certificate then he'll have parental responsibility, so you don't have the right to name someone else to have her over him assuming he's still alive. (Things are different for my DD because she was born in 2003 just before the law changed. Before that unmarried fathers didn't get parental responsibility automatically, and my ex has never bothered applying for it. So legally I'm her only parent with parental responsibility so can leave her to whoever I like)

The only way you could ensure your DDs stayed together would be by your partner applying to also have parental responsibility for DD1, or him applying to court for custody after you had died (which might take time, and he'd have to have a strong case why she shouldn't be with her dad), unless you're exor if things are amicable with your ex agreed that DD1 stay with her stepdad (or whoever else you leave DD2 to if you and he died together)

AnotherEmma · 03/07/2020 23:11

You can't "leave" a child to someone in your will, they're not possessions. All you can do is express your wishes about who their guardian should be. And I expect the father would be considered even if he didn't have parental responsibility.

TooMinty · 03/07/2020 23:16

We put my sister (my husband has no siblings) but with the expectation that if my parents/in-laws were still alive and fit and healthy then they'd pitch in to help her. I don't think my parents feel insulted!

Mumto1andthetinybun · 03/07/2020 23:27

My parents but if they are unable to it falls to split custody between my sister and her husband and my brother and his wife.

DCIRozHuntley · 03/07/2020 23:28

It really is very personal, but, as a rule parents don't make a great first choice if you have other options, as - as you have already said - they are likely to be 25 - 25 years older than you.
It is hard work looking after a small child, full time, for 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, once you are in your 50s or 60s.

I would agree with this generally. Perhaps considering the children's physical care should be done separately to who would have parental responsibility? I have no doubt that in many (most?) families, a grandparent is likely to want to look after the grandchild(ren) if both their parents die. They may not be able to physically do all the care, so perhaps financial preparation for a higher level of practical support should be made when making these decisions. However, in terms of spiritual guidance - not religion per se, but things like values and maturing into a well rounded individual - emotional support and general looking-out-for their orphaned child, nearly all my friends would choose their own parents.

OrlandoInTheWilderness · 03/07/2020 23:37

@AnotherEmma my DD (9) has never known or met her father. He does not have parental responsibility and I don't even know where he is. My DPs and DB are her guardians in the event I should die, or be incapacitated ie a coma. We live with my parents and she has done for most of her life.
My solicitor told me that yes, it isn't a certainly, but in the event I died, given the situation with the father and relationships with my DPs it would be as near as certain could be that she would remain with them, and it would be highly unlikely he would be considered.

MrsAvocet · 04/07/2020 00:20

OrlandoInTheWilderness I know every set of circumstances is different, but have friends who were given full custody of their grandchildren a number of years ago after the death of their daughter, despite the father still being alive and the children having a relationship with him, albeit limited. I won't go into details as it isn't my story to tell, but suffice it to say he would have been totally inappropriate and the DGPs were much better placed in every way to take care of the children. The authorities could clearly see the issues and took the decision in the children's best interests. You hear so much bad stuff about SS and family courts so everyone was concerned, but it was actually dealt with very efficiently. Having seen how things worked out for them, I can't imagine your situation would be treated any differently. In fact there is an even stronger case for your DD remaining with her DGPs. Obviously I hope it never happens to you though!

itstrue · 04/07/2020 00:49

I put off making a will for ages because there really wasn't anyone who I thought would be good for the children to go too.

I've just done an online will and I've appointed by parents as well as DH's parents as guardians with DH's sister as a secondary in case they are unable or unwilling to act.

But guardian doesn't mean they have to look after them themselves. It means that they decide where the children live. I figure that grandparents will make decisions in the best interest of the children more than anyone else.

SnuggyBuggy · 04/07/2020 07:31

How many people realistically have siblings or peers in a position to take on the care of extra children? Haven't older relatives always been more normal?

Tinamou · 04/07/2020 07:39

Do you mean financially speaking, @SnuggyBuggy? If DH and I both died, we have life insurance plus the mortgage would get paid off so there would be money available to pay for our children's care.

If you mean in terms of practical / emotional support, I think our friends would be in a better position that our elderly parents (who are aged between 78 and 83).

It helps that our friends have also asked us to care for their children if they both died. So we're not asking them to do anything we wouldn't be prepared to do in return.

Kahlua4me · 04/07/2020 07:43

We put my brother and his wife. They have an excellent, close relationship with our dc and although would parent very differently to us they would be great with them and dc would thrive.

Dc are teenagers now but have always known that is what would happen and are happy with it.

SnuggyBuggy · 04/07/2020 07:45

I mean both. Most families do only have the children they can afford and are able to house. In practice the budget can be really tight.

For example my DSis would have to both move to a larger house and have to find money for extra childcare as well as all the expenses that come with additional children. We have insurance but I don't know how long it would cover all this. Friends with children aren't any better off.

The grandparents, though not so healthy at least have the physical space and time for a child.

MsSquiz · 04/07/2020 07:56

We've chosen DH's brother & his wife. We are really close to them and plan on parenting in a very similar way to them (they have 3 kids and DD is only 6 months)
I also know they would continue & encourage relationships between DD & my few relatives, down the line

We are also their appointed guardians for their 3 kids

These decisions are only known between us 4, not the wider family, as DH's sister is likely to have a tantrum about "not getting the children" as she is the oldest! She did the same when it came to PIL's will executor...

Fishfingersandwichplease · 04/07/2020 08:04

My best friend and her husband. She never had children herself but is the most wonderful role model to my daughter. Feel bad for my sister but she lives miles away and has had health issues in the past resulting in a few little niggles so not sure she would be up to the job.

Tinamou · 04/07/2020 08:08

I guess it depends on the individual circumstances (as this thread shows). I know that my parents, although they adore the DC, would struggle. They get tired now after looking after them for a few hours!

IdblowJonSnow · 04/07/2020 08:10

I dont know. There is no one I'd be happy with. We nominated two sets of friends but circumstances have changed for both, onecis now single and has more kids than she did at the time we made the will.
Horrible thing to contemplate but great peace of mind if you do have someone suitable.

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