Finding motherhood hard

[Ami100]

Hello all,

We've got a lovely 4 month old son who I love to bits. But I'm finding motherhood HARD!! The night wakes for feeding, the constant need to find DS stimulating activity (he is very alert), the carrying him (hates being placed on his back and front)! Is it just me or is this whole gig incredibly difficult? Please someone tell me it becomes easier? Today I actually thought for the first time that one child is enough for me and having any more would kill me!

I was really looking forward to being a mum and being on mat leave but it really hasn't been anything like I expected . I know lockdown didn't help but I just feel a bit down about it all ...

It does get easier, I promise you that it does although I'm told its gets even harder again when they are teenagers!

It does become easier! But not for a little while I’m afraid. The game changer for me was when DD was more interested in other children etc, so I could take her to toddler groups and activities or the playground, I think that was around 6 months, but you may have to wait a little longer because of Covid. Long naps were also a complete sanity saver, but in my case DD didn’t get the hang of those till she was 14 months old (most do it a lot earlier than that).

My DD is nearly 4. We’ve played doctor, had a picnic dinner (I’ve got horrific morning sickness, so couldn’t cook!) and she did some baking with DH (I measured out the ingredients, they mix and spoon). But she’s also spent several hours (in total) playing with her dinosaurs and drawing. They do eventually amuse themselves much more, and that allows you to put your feet up and have a break. For my DD, decent attention span (to anything other than people) began at about 18 months and just gets better and better from then on.

It’s also easier to keep them entertained once they are walking. A wander around the block can keep them merrily entertained for an hour or so, and gives your brain a bit of a break as well as getting you out the house.

it is bloody hard. it does get easier (slowly!). accepting it helps. go to bed early whenever you can, sleep helps (when you go to bed when your child does). You might be an introverted parent, not in the social sense but in that you need down/alone time to recuperate. with babies that's hard and if you don't get it you can feel awful. Finding ways to get that time is key, a walk outside when things getting stressful, get support. total empathy, it's tough going. but when the kids get older it does get easier...

The first few months/year is hard; I enjoyed it much more once my DD turned 1 as she was just so much more fun (she also slept better so that helped too) and going places was so much easier compared to all the bottles and things I had to think about when she was a baby

It’s not just you... it is difficult... having another being completely dependent on you all the time. And they can’t give you much response back at four months. In many ways it gets easier once they can walk and talk (though of course then there’s new challenges!). If you only want one, stick with just one.

Solidarity my sister - my daughter is four months old too, and it's really hard, isn't it? No advice, this is my first (and maybe only?) too, but my main discovery is that a lot of parenthood is hanging on by your fingernails and waiting for the crazy to pass. She changes every day though, and I'm sure your son does too - we've both already made it out of the absolute newborn fog, so go us!

It is bloody hard work! Babies are non-stop and people don’t often realise that unless they have experience of caring for a young baby.

It does get easier though. Mine are 4 and 6 now and there are other challenges but it’s not as intense as it was when they were babies. I have thought recently about a third child but I just can’t face having to do the baby bit again (lack of sleep, no break etc). I know people talk about how time moves fast and you’ll miss it when it gone. Honestly though I don’t miss the baby bit at all. I loved the cuddles and breast feeding but over all it was just very hard and very boring. I’m enjoying parenting so much more now they’re a little older.

Do you have much help or get small breaks (even just an hour or two) to yourself? When I had my second I didn’t have anymore than 3 hrs without my 2 kids until she was 1 and I returned to work. In retrospect that was a massive mistake and I can see I desperately needed someone to step up and support me. I didn’t prioritse my needs at all but we all need time to meet our own basic needs. If possible see if you can get small nuggets to time to recharge.

Big cuddle!! Xx

It definitely is hard, and it's that much harder in lockdown! I'm by no means an extrovert, but baby groups saved me in those first few months, I can't imagine living through them without seeing other people! 😱 it definitely gets easier, DS is one now and it's still difficult, but in totally different ways. Have you tried a sling or some kind of baby carrier if your little one won't be put down? Mine was a total koala baby and having a sling changed everything for me - still use it all the time now!

@Ami100

I hear you sister - It’s bloody hard, and my wee one is only 4 weeks, at least you have a few weeks on me!

The constant demand on you. Being stuck in the house, can’t do anything without wishing baby would sleep, but baby won’t sleep and only wants to be held.. My nipples feel like they could fall off and my heart sinks every time I hear him stir from sleep.

I also now sorta resent my husband who is working from home but has at least gone back to some semblance of a normal day.. and yet when I think of him going back into an office anytime and not being here I could cry.

I miss being pregnant..

Let’s just hang in there. It will get easier. And they are bloody cute as well.

It’s so very hard and I think your at the most difficult stage. When they start crawling and walking it get much easier.

It will get easier
Yeah when he is 18 and goes off to college. I am just being realistic.

Agree with pp about 6 months being easier, basically when she could sit up unaided and I could put her down for a couple of minutes. After that 9 months was another step change, when she could crawl and stand. Now at 1 year it's actually enjoyable.

You're doing so well - lockdown must be so hard with a newborn. I just can't imagine!

It definitely gets easier. I felt like I was run over by a truck and couldn't imagine how life was ever going to be anything other than incredibly hard for ever and ever and ever. But it did, but by bit get easier. I had a second, which was harder in some ways but easier than others so on balance about the same... Now they are 10 and 8 and life is ace, tons of fun and it definitely got easier... But I well remember feeling just like that and it's still vivid in my mind, but not in a bad way.

I can relate. I had a slight meltdown this week actually as I’m finding being a new mum in lockdown hard, was expecting my maternity leave to be baby classes and coffee dates, not staying home alone with the baby. Mines the same, so alert! Constantly trying to entertain her. I would accept help where you can just to go and relax and have a bath, have at least 30 mins a day just you time!! It will get easier and you’re doing an amazing job by the sounds of it!! Xxx

I promise you it will improve, Ami. In a couple of months your baby will be quite different.

My baby is 3.5months old and its REALLY hard. Ive already made up my mind that I dont want another. I love my son and all, but im not doing this again.

It’s really hard. But it does get easier all the time. I started enjoying my little boy more from 7-12 months. I found it hard stimulating him for a couple of months until he started nursery at 14 months but now it just keeps getting better and easier! He started walking at 12 months and that really helped too. I always thought I would have 2 children but I have found it hard and I didn’t realise how much ‘me time’ I needed prior to children. My little boy is now 2.5 and is absolutely amazing. Both myself and my husband feel content with ‘just’ him and can’t imagine going back to the baby stages now. We’re going to have a wonderful life together the three of us and our little boy will want for nothing. We’re lucky in that we’re surrounded by family and friends which means he has lots of playmates and lots of love and attention. We feel really excited for the future.

The first bit can be really hard unless you have one of those babies that sleeps at lot.

It is so hard. Especially with lockdown. It would be so much easier with baby groups to break up the day. My little one is nearly 5 months now. I would say the last month has been hugely different. I can leave her for a few mins on the floor while I nip to the loo or make some lunch. Have you got a baby sensory box? They are great at keeping DD entertained and stimulated. Your not alone OP.

It's really hard OP. Mine is 3.5months so I can't tell you if it gets easier. Buy I can share things that have helped me

Meet them where they are. If they need lots of holding to be content, that's what you do. If they need to feed more regularly than other babies, so be it. I find I get more stressed out when I fixate on what LO 'should' be doing, rather than just enjoying her as she is. Especially around naps - I drive myself mad with them, especially as she's getting harder to put down and only stays asleep 45mins. I need to regularly remember let them be who they are, and that your love and attention is the main thing they need.

It's just a phase. Babies change so quickly, every day can bring something new. This can be a good and a bad thing, but in the bad times it can be helpful to remember this.

Wipe the slate clean every morning. We've never been under so much stress as a couple. The sleep deprivation makes everything 10 x harder, and we get absolutely no time to ourselves. A friend recommended that we always wipe the slate clean every morning - whatever was said, forget it. Try to be kind to each other, you're both doing your best under really trying circumstances.

Hoping (for both of us!) that things improve soon!

It’s relentless and it sounds like you’re doing really well. I found that the sun came out when my DD was 6-9 months and I got more sleep and felt more human.

The baby days are the hardest part I think. My daughter is 6 now and it's got better and better the older she has got. My ds is one next week and 6 months when he could sit up and then 9 months when he could crawl were both times when it got a lot easier.

It does get easier! I found the early months with DD2 very difficult! Things began to get better when she turned 1. She's nearly 4 now and is a little darling (most of the time!)

My mam always told me " don't worry - the first year is the worst!" from when I was pregnant. I did really struggle and got PND as DD just screamed all the time until she was well past 6m, but I think it did help that I had very low expectations of looking after a baby. DD is 2 now and it's soooo much better and easier. We are probably going to start TTC again later this year but I wish I could have a stork come and bring me a 1 yr old as I just have dread about another pregnancy, birth (both of which were horrible for me and involved a lot of illness and injury) as well as another newborn. I'm hoping potential DC2 isn't like DD though and doesn't scream non stop though as that's what we found the hardest.

Thank you ladies for the support. Nice to know I'm not alone. My first period started yesterday which probably also added to my feelings of tiredness and being down . Managed to get a lie in this morning while DH had baby . Have a lovely weekend all x