Parents who had a 'high needs' baby, please tell me...

[WhiteDenim]

...stories of how they grew up to be happy, well adjusted independent children? I have a high needs 3 month old and I'm exhausted. She's so serious and barely smiles, she cries all the time, wants to be carried everywhere, can't just sit a be happy needs you to entertain her, screams her head off for 20 mins every time you try to put her down for a nap... It's so draining.

I had one! Prem too. Cried and cried and cried. Slept on my chest for four months (I know it’s not safe sleeping but he would in no way ever sleep in a crib). Grizzled. Wouldn’t nap. Cried. Did I mention crying?

Anyway, come about a year old he just changed. Now he’s four and he’s a delight. He’s hilarious and lovely and kind and he’s just a wonderful person. He’s still quite emotionally sensitive but I take that as a good thing. I was so worried he’d be miserable forever and he’s not.

I was worried because even when he learnt to crawl he just used it to crawl towards me. Rather than off exploring. And then the other day he ran the whole way across the park to catch up with a friend. Maybe 400m away. I could see him the whole time and he didn’t once look back. He’s so confident now.

Mine really turned a corner at 6 months when she could sit up independently and started playing independently for a couple of minutes. Every move toward greater independence has made her happier, so crawling at 9 months was another big one.

She's nearly 1 yo now and generally a delight, but fiercely independent. She's into everything and does need entertainment/to be on the move - but that is way preferable to the early weeks and months. I will take every toddler tantrum she throws - nothing can compare to the strain of having a constantly whinging baby who can't be put don't for a second! Everything feels easier than that to me.

My silent reflux baby, screamed for 6 months. Then turned into the cutest, smiliest little bundle. Weaning really made a massive difference. She was a delightful toddler and didn’t throw a tantrum until she turned 3. Hang on in there OP!

Yeah my first pretty much lived in a sling til she was around 4 months old. We used to sleep in shifts! As a pp said I found it much easier once she could sit up. Once she was old enough she could roll onto her tummy to sleep and this also helped as she seemed more comfy.

She's still a very strong willed girl at 3 but in many ways it's a good thing. She is a fantastic big sister now.

Dd2 is 4.5 months and couldn't be more different. She is the most chilled baby ever!

I had one. My son cried and cried for at least a year. He didn’t sleep through until he was 4. He had to stick ridgedly to a routine, he had every single sleep for 3 years in his cot, we couldn’t take him on holiday as he would cry and cry. When he could walk he was a bolter, we didn’t eat in a restaurant with him until he was 3. He was a nightmare but a very cute one.

By the time he was about 3 he was lovely but still Hard work until he was about 7.
He’s now 17 and the most amazing caring lovely sensitive boy. He has amazing GCSE results, is a brilliant sportsman, never cries!!! And is just an all round pleasure.

My 8 year old was a high needs baby/toddler/child... He is still very emotionally up and down - the highs are fabulous though and we're working on the anger/lows.

However he is such a friendly child. He makes friends wherever he goes (really not exaggerating - he hates playing by himself he always finds a playmate). He never argues with his friends or says nasty things to them so is very popular at school. I was worried he'd be isolated but he saves all his grumpiness for at home.

He is always asking for hugs and telling me he loves me. He is wonderful. Exhausting but wonderful.

Could it be reflux? DS had severe reflux until he was 5 years old and never went down to sleep without screaming.

Is this your first? I only ask because I thought dc1 was high needs, when I realised it was actually me 🙄🙈.

That said 3 months is so little ☺️. It definitely gets better when you're not their sole entertainment.

I had one too - now 4, she’s awesome - confident and friendly and caring, even if prone to dramatics and very strong willed.
Couldn’t put her down as a baby, she wouldn’t even go to dh. It wasn’t just me as number 2 is happy to cuddle anyone who offer! (Not too many people at the moment obviously!)

From around 7 weeks old, my DS needed constant attention and entertaining. I remember feeling like I'd made a terrible mistake - he was never content and barely smiled. I was induced and had a traumatic birth, and I always wonder if it was a combination of this and natural temperament. Crying got better at about 3 months, and much much better at about 6 months when he could sit up and play with his toys more independently. He walked early and as soon as he could walk was running.

At 2 he is very independent and very strong willed. He throws screaming tantrums. But he is also very sweet and smart and we adore him. It gets much better.

My screaming bundle turned into a lovely toddler. Never had a proper tantrum. He was overconfident though and would happily run away from us given the opportunity. He went through a bit of a grumpy phase about 5yo. He's a lovely 6yo now.
I think he had some sort of digestive problem/intolerance as a baby which he grew out of. Midwives, HVs and GP all told me it was normal for a baby to cry all the time, feed for hours (comfort behavior in hindsight), and not be able to sleep for more than 40mins at a time.
Baby no2 had similar issues but we dealt with it by having him sleep on his side, feeding routine, dummy and a thorough winding. He would sleep for 3hrs, wake for a feed which took 10mins, have a little play, then back to sleep. What a revelation.
Good luck.

Took me ages to realise DS1 was abnormally difficult- I thought all babies were.

Then I has DS2 who was so chilled and smiley. We all sat open mouthed when he fell asleep in his moses basket despite all the noise around him. Ds1 had to be coaxed to sleep every day/night for YEARS

My second baby cried all the time, catnapped, and probably had reflux of some sort. I would say we had a noticeable improvement around 18 months, however he can still be hard work (he's 2.5). He is still waking up 4 times a night, but if he does so without screaming the house down it's a good night. DH and I are both on antidepressants now :(

Mines still high needs at 6 months but I am finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. I know its impossibly difficult but take each day as it comes and remember they will turn a corner eventually even if eventually seems a bloody long way into the future.

This may not be exactly the story you want to hear, but bare with me. My eldest was really high needs. I could never put him down and he just didn’t seem to sleep. He screamed if I left him with my husband even for a few minutes. I hated the baby days. Although he got a bit easier over time, he didn’t sleep through until he was nearly 3, but got to a point by 18 months where he would happily sleep in our bed. He still always needed me to play with him and was hard work. We had a failed attempt at nursery when he was was a toddler. I went back to work part-time, but he never settled, and I used to collect a red faced, miserable child, so I gave up. We spent a few months overseas and when we came back, he started nursery again aged 2.8years. He walked in and never even said good-bye. He would confidently run off at soft plays and parks, and by the time he started school, he was independent and flew in Reception.

He is now 7, and tbh, he still struggles to go to sleep at night. He is very sensitive and definitely remains higher needs than my younger son, but it’s now well within what appears normal among other families, and hems a delightful boy with lots of friends and hobbies.

Mine also exactly as you describe. She was high needs all the way through toddlerhood. She wasn’t independent for a long time, would never sit and play, never watch tv. I couldn’t leave her at all.

Nursery saved both our sanity for a long time. Activities and challenges, routine, it wore her out.

Saving grace was getting her into sport. I started her in swimming, ballet and gymnastics as soon as I could, then cycling. Anything active I signed her up to. She turned out very talented and was training pretty much every night by the time she was 8. That calmed her down so much physically her brain got chance to actually think.

My second had reflux so was high needs in a different way. Sleep and feed was a struggle, but I could leave her playing early on and at least get a cup of tea and catch my breath!

Oh yes - nursery (before lockdown) and going back to work at 3 months (me not her!)

Thanks all for your stories, it's good to know it gets better. In a way I've been relieved we are on lockdown atm as I just can't imagine taking her anywhere or trying to do anything... She'll start screaming if anyone else holds her, starts screaming if she's in a place she doesn't recognize... I know everything is a phase but as a first time mum it's hard work convincing myself of that after a tough day.

Some posters mentioned reflux - yes this is definitely a factor. We can spend ages rocking her to sleep only for the dreaded reflux to start and she's off again. Praying for the day her digestive system matures and thus isn't an issue anymore!

Mine is a high-needs eight year old. Wonderful, but definitely high-needs.

Just had my second and now realise my daughter would probably be classed as high needs: she would scream if I was out of her sight, if I put her down, if anyone else tried to pick her up etc. When I went back to work at 18 months (When I was still sleepless!) even the nursery was worried about her.

She’s now 5 and an utter delight, such a happy, confident child but still has a healthy bit of caution around strangers/new situations. She surprises me every day when I think of how she was as a baby,

My 9yo ds was a shocking baby/toddler, it nearly broke me. Now he's the most wonderful boy you could imagine (not biased ) so loving, happy, creative and considerate.

His younger brother is great too but needed infinitely less "input" in the early years - they just came out different!

I have a theory that children need varying levels of attention/reassurance to set them up for life, like filling a tank. People told me just to let him cry sometimes, but knowing him as well as I do, I think that would have deeply worried him and I'd have a more nervous child now. I'm extremely glad I gave him what he needed in those first years. Just a theory though. And I can't say it didn't negatively affect me (post natal anxiety) and my marriage.

My eldest was very demanding - he needed 100% of my attention at all times, and then he was happy. So that's what I gave him. Anything to stop the crying! I pretty much held him, played with him, fed him, talked to him, bathed him, watched tv etc from the minute he woke up to the minute he went to sleep. He didn't sleep much at all during the day, but he did sleep pretty consistently at night from about 3 months and that saved my sanity. But I was absolutely knackered with all the attention he needed and the fact that anything I needed to do had to start after he went to bed, so I was sooooo tired.

I bumped the car at least three times as I was so tired, ate badly as I needed sugar to keep going and had no time to prepare lunch (I ate toast and butter and jam all day as it was quick, filling and the jam gave me energy) which meant that I put on weight when I had previously been very slim and I didn't like that.

I was in absolute amazement at parents who managed to get things done when their baby was awake, and by that I mean anything - laundry, cooking, gardening, having a bath. I would wonder whether I had enough time to carry the bin out before he started screaming.

He was always sociable though, liked having people round and going to other houses, activities, the park, all that stuff. He just needed me there and close by too.

He is now 12yo. Thankfully he's changed

DS was and remains a high needs chd

Severe Reflux, milk allergy, wouldn't sleep for more than an hour at a time until he was5 months (and we finally got the right medication), constant crying and whinging. Had to be with me ALL THE TIME. Just a massively dissatisfied baby and toddler.

He is now 7 and a lovely boy but the challenges are still there. Really smart but talks incessantly and hates to be alone. He cannot play by himself and will seek out any company he can. Loves playing with other kids and having people around. He's exrremely sensitive and goes from 0-100 in his emotions at the drop of a hat. We're working on it but he finds it so hard to regulate and worries a lot. He'll get there but I often feel sad for him that he can't just enjoy the moment he's in.

My 14 month was and still is high needs. He didn't cry so much but had the constant whinging. His very strong willed, stubborn, intense and demanding. It's a bit easier now to cope with him as he is busy walking and exploring but when he was young, nothing would occupy him unless carrying him and walking around. He has never been the type to sit or lie down in his Moses basket. He is still breastfed and it's his only comfort source. He has awful sleep and wakes up frequently doesn't know how to self soothe. His nursery is now our gym and dumping ground for items that doesn't have a home as he has never slept in his room let alone in his cot bed. We still co sleep and it is draining. Yes it is much easier now than it was before and I'm kind of wondering the same thing, what happens to them in the future? How do they turn out in the end? And what age does tone down dramatically?

We eventually caved and did controlled crying at 16 months. Dh had to do it as I couldn't bear to and it worked in 2-3 nights. I weaned shortly after. The extreme clinginess eased at about 24 months, coinciding with dh taking him away for a weekend holiday. Maybe it was something to do with feeling safer with him and therefore able to detach from me? Not sure.

Hang in there. He's 9 now and couldn't be a lovelier, easier child. He hasn't woken in the night to my knowledge for 4 years or more. I think some just need extra soothing in the early months. Get all the help you can with everything!