Parents who had a 'high needs' baby, please tell me...

[WhiteDenim]

...stories of how they grew up to be happy, well adjusted independent children? I have a high needs 3 month old and I'm exhausted. She's so serious and barely smiles, she cries all the time, wants to be carried everywhere, can't just sit a be happy needs you to entertain her, screams her head off for 20 mins every time you try to put her down for a nap... It's so draining.

My DD was a high needs baby (not what I used to refer to her as...), she was a total shit and screamed all day, never slept longer than 1.5 hours and had to be touching me every minute of the day. She’s still little, she turns 3 in a few months, and I won’t lie she’s still errrm...spirited and the terrible twos have been a real challenge, but you can have conversations with her now and she’s a lot of fun. She didn’t sleep through the night until 10 months old but now she sleeps 13 hours without waking every night and has done for nearly 2 years. Toddlers are tough but give me a toddler over a newborn any day.

For some unknown reason I went back for more and now have high needs DS 🤦🏻‍♀️ it’s so so hard and I’m wishing the days away right now which I know I shouldn’t, but small babies just aren’t my thing. It definitely gets better, not necessarily easier but just better (can’t speak for school age kids and teens though, am sure that’s no picnic either!).

DS1 was high needs as a small baby. He was much much better once he could sit and play at 5m. He could walk at 9m. So I think he just didn’t get on well with being a baby. At 10 years old he still talks ALL THE TIME, I wouldn’t say he’s the easiest child in the world but neither is he the hardest.

DS2 was a very relaxed happy baby. Didn’t bother walking until 15m. But he was probably more tamtrumy as a toddler.

Good luck, you will get through this!

@Newbiehere123 you’ve basically described my daughter! When she’s awake she’s the most independent thing but still will only sleep Clifford up next to me.

She has always needed lots of input for entertainment and was very clingy to me in the early days. Now she’s walking and able to play with toys on her own she entertains herself quite happily. So it does get better!

My first was a high needs baby and honestly I hated being a mum in the early months. She never stopped crying and all the fun of each milestone was ruined because of the frustration she'd show until she mastered it. She rarely smiled and never laughed. We never had babysitters because she'd just scream at them. She has just turned 4 and she is just the best. So clever and funny and kind. Since she was about 18 months old family and absolute strangers comment on how happy and energetic she is. I really believe the feistiness that caused the high needs stuff has made her the lovely girl she is today.

However, she has had 'school reports' since she was 1 - we've just had her latest one from a different nursery and I could put money on the fact she will never not have one that doesn't describe her as "strong-willed".

My 12 month old I'd say is very high needs and demanding, always has been. She cries a lot and is inconsolable a lot of the time, often I don't know why she is crying. She wakes up from every nap and sleep crying and is then miserable for at least half an hour. She wants me and only me! She wants to be held all the time even though she is a confident walker. Lockdown has definitely made things worse as she's had me 24/7! Other times she's so cheeky and cute, and I wonder whether its the same child! My eldest is very laid back and easy going, and always has been, I guess you can't have 2 of the same! I just hope my little one becomes easier as she gets older!

Oooh, I had one of these. He had colic, cried lots, couldn't be put down during the day, just generally seemed unhappy that he couldn't do stuff.

Then gradually as he learned to sit he got a bit happier because he could start to interact with the world on his own terms. Then he learned to crawl and hasn't looked back since - happy, smiley, fun toddler, fascinating child, now just about to go into teens and (touch wood) still a delight despite the first signs of hormones beginning to show (oh god, curse of the commentator, I'm doomed now ).

It will get better.

My very high-needs baby is an amazing 11yo. She is independent, extremely intelligent, and very creative. She suffers from anxiety and that requires some attention, but even that we largely have under control now.

Ive come to believe high needs babies are high needs for a reason. They really do need all those extra cuddles (or hours and hours of pacing while you gently bounce them only to finally get to sleep while the baby lays on you because it’s the only way she will stay calm ). My parents report similar issues when I was a baby. I am now a happy, albeit quirky, adult with a great job and a wonderful marriage.

The best thing you can do is meet her where she is at each phase. Give her what she is asking for and don’t listen to people who tell you that one method of parenting over another would make it better. I’ve done crazy things over the years, like accepted that my babies bedtime needed to be midnight and we would then sleep the morning away, or made elaborate flip charts to teach her to clean her room because otherwise she gets overwhelmed. When I meet her needs, she is so much happier and just blossoms.

So in simpler terms. Keep pacing the floor boards. This will end. Every minute you have held your screaming baby is a minute she knows that you will do anything for her.

Mine was definitely a high needs baby. She is 5 now. It 100% gets better. I would say from 2 it gets easier and once you hit 4 you will really feel it’s much much easier. Good luck!

Like any human of any age, good sleep makes us nicer people, generally speaking. I mean, we could split hairs over this but the truth is, sleep affects our moods and our development.
Don't judge a child until they're sleeping through the night, is my motto!

My first was very high needs. Cried constantly. He walked at 10 months and by that I mean run, no gentle toddling for him he was off.
He is 12 now and always been hard work and very high energy also extramly bright which can have its own challenges! He will probably do great things but not easy to live with.

My friends high needs baby is autistic and also still challenging at 11.
I'm sure many turn into easy going reasonable people but for us we have more difficult children.

Oh I agree with sleep my 12 year old is still sent to bed and asleep by 8.30 he is so much worse without sleep and food. Routine is absolutely essential for survival!

Gremlin my 12yo DS is also in bed early for his age, even in lockdown. 9pm absolute latest. He is an absolute pain in the arse if he hasn’t slept enough. I was on a thread months ago about bedtimes for children and I hadn’t realised how relatively early he was going to sleep. But it makes such a difference to him as he is an early riser regardless of the time he goes to sleep at night.

Just found this thread and I hope someone sees my message! I have a 10 week old who won't leave the house, if we try the car, pushchair or sling, he just screams and screams. He will only nap in the day in the sling but it has to be at home so I cant go anywhere. Please someone tell me its a phase? I could cry when I see other babies going out to the park etc

Hi @Gabriella93 - yes, it's a phase! My baby is now 11months and (happily) an entirely different child to the one she was when I posted.

She was 6months when we started to notice things getting much, much better. Crawling helped a lot - she wasn't so frustrated and could move herself if she felt uncomfortable. She had/has reflux and still gets it from time to time, but seems better able to deal with it now. Could reflux be a factor with yours? Looking back, I think a lot of her unsettled-ness was her being in pain.

Don't despair - it will get better. 10 weeks is still so young. I know it doesn't feel helpful when people say that to you when you're in it, and it's been the longest 10 weeks of your life - but just know it won't last. Try not to compare with other babies, they are all different and those parents aren't necessarily having an easy time either.

We had a colic + reflux baby. First 3 months were absolute hell, particularly the nights. Then between 3-4 months his somehow chilled out in the day, presumably because his digestive system matured and he could burp a lot more easily. After that we became absolutely militant about naps, getting him enough hours at all cost, and eventually he became better in the nights too.

I'm always reluctant to say 'it gets better' as that feels mean for the babies who take a lot longer, but for us it really did. After a while you catch yourself forgetting how bad it all was.

DS1 was a nightmare. He basically screamed at me solidly for 6 months! He was a lot better once he started crawling at 6 months and could get around. I think he was getting super frustrated at not being able to do anything. Weaning age and snacks for strapped in times (car seat, buggy etc) was a game changer too.

He was a ray of sunshine between 6-12 months old, a different child. He did have some spectacular tantrums in his toddler years but was also a very sweet and happy child in between. He’s 3yrs old now and still strong minded, but again, still a very happy and helpful little lad. He wasn’t cuddly as a baby at all either, which made me so sad, but he turned into a total cuddlebug by the time he was 1. A high needs baby definitely doesn’t necessarily stay such hard work.

DS is currently studying for A'Levels, has a job, plays sport and is a pleasure to be around.

Things will get better OP

Thank you for getting back to me! That is a relief it gets better. I'm so worried we won't be able to leave the house to do anything when lockdown ends, I already feel super lonely at home by myself all the time. Xx

Mine didn't cry a lot but needed lots of attention, and never napped as a toddler.
Became an exceptionally gifted child, about 6 years in front, in her subject
The other two, pretty much to the text book, they are normal.

My daughter was also very high needs. Very serious when little and it upset me so much as she never smiled for anyone. I couldn't leave the house - even leaving her with my husband resulted in meltdowns for the first year. Her sleep was awful (never slept at the beginning apart from on me, then 30 mins wake-ups all night from 4m to 8m) and still woke constantly until 3, then 3-4 times. She now finally sleeps through most of the time from the age of 3.5.

I maybe made it harder as I breastfed for so long and didn't leave her to cry ever at night. But when I tried to stop the breastfeeding before she was ready she nearly hyperventilated and she was the same at night. I genuinely don't think any parent could have left a child like that, even my mum was shocked at the 0-100 emotions and saw why I insisted on carrying on. When did stop breastfeeding, she was finally ready.

It's been draining and we're only just pregnant (early) with another because I couldn't cope.

And as @WellTidy said, I marvelled at how anyone on maternity got anything done.

BUT she is the most lovely, sweet-natured girl. She's happy and smiley with a great sense of humour. Everyone comments on it. I do think that her sensitivity made it so, so hard at the beginning but the flipside is so wonderful.

I do worry that she needs to build her resilience though and I'm trying to work on that.

I’ve purposely blocked out most of the baby-toddler years because DS was very high-needs. Co-sleeping, baby carrier, the BABY RAGE (how could a little thing be so angry?!) all that. Even the Health Visitor said he was, which was a relief because I thought I was being weak and imagining it all.

DS is nearly 7 now - and a creative, hilarious, social, really loving person. Yes, he’s very sensitive and still has an atrocious temper, but we’re working on that and he is also so affectionate and sympathetic to others... It will pass, OP (eventually) and sometimes for a TINY moment I miss the long night with my little snuffling bundle tucked into me.

As @Purpleartichoke said, too, I really think high needs babies are that way for a reason and that they need the extra cuddles.

I really fo believe in this:

As @Purpleartichoke said, too, I really think high needs babies are that way for a reason and that they need the extra cuddles.

I really fo believe in this:

"So in simpler terms. Keep pacing the floor boards. This will end. Every minute you have held your screaming baby is a minute she knows that you will do anything for her."

My super high needs baby is now a totally chilled toddler, sleeps alone, confident and very happy.