Parents who had a 'high needs' baby, please tell me...

[WhiteDenim]

...stories of how they grew up to be happy, well adjusted independent children? I have a high needs 3 month old and I'm exhausted. She's so serious and barely smiles, she cries all the time, wants to be carried everywhere, can't just sit a be happy needs you to entertain her, screams her head off for 20 mins every time you try to put her down for a nap... It's so draining.

@LightenUpSummer that is really reassuring, thank you. I also don't really like the idea of controlled crying, but we may well get to that stage. Also want to EBF but the toll it's taking might not be worth it. Cannot WAIT until she's sleeping through a bit more.

I think what makes it worse is there is this expectation for babies to be smiley and giggly and I'm ashamed to so it but I'm so crushed that she's not. I feel terrible when she screams when her grandparents hold her, I don't want them thinking badly of her but she just really doesn't like it. According to my week by week baby book she should be a 'bouncing, gurgling flirt' by now. As if!

My dd is high needs.

She's now a tantrumming 1 year old. Some bits easier, some bits harder and I doubt she will grow out of it anytime soon.

What I found really helped ds with tantrumming, don't know if it'll be useful for anyone else and it was quite a PITA, but I always stopped what I was doing, got down to his level, and tried to understand what the problem was. Obviously it got a lot easier when he was able to explain, but you can usually make a good guess. I found that was the only way he calmed down - just knowing that I understood. I didn't need to be able to fix it even.

Only thing that worked!

People must've thought I was really pandering to him, but he seemed genuinely unable to re-regulate himself in any other way. And he hasn't grown up selfish or anything, he's really considerate thank goodness.

Mine is now 17 studying A levels. Got outstanding GCSE's, very bright and independent. And bossy.

2 high needs who didn,t sleep through. But my daughter was also quite independent at 2-3 in other ways, she was a good walker. She is described as a delightful and a young lady. My son is jolly, chatty but basically normal happy healthy children. Co sleeping was a life saver for me. And a sling.

I have 3 dc.
2 were high needs.
Ds1 was due to ill health and actually treatment for the medical conditions helped he was about 18 months.
Dt1 was very needy poor dt2 was often left to entertain herself. Dt1 changed overnight when at 6 months he could sit up and entertain himself more. As long as he was sat where he could see people he was in his element and became the easiest of all 3 after that. It gets easier as they get older, hang in there.

My DS was a high needs baby. Very clingy, cried non-stop, couldn’t take him anywhere. The baby stage was a nightmare.

He’s 2 now and is a happy, sweet, gentle toddler. He rarely has tantrums and is generally a delight to be around.

Ds was a horror. Prem, reflux, barely slept etc. I ended up on ADs because of the lack of sleep. Once he got mobile it all changed, he slept all night and had a solid 2 hour nap every day he could. He's nearly 10 and generally he's a sunny character who has loads of friends and loves a hug :)

He didn't. He's an autistic, highly anxious teen.

It's funny Pick my autistic highly anxious teen was a dream baby!

My other autistic teen was an easy baby. Mostly because he was very passive.

My high needs babies ( prem , reflux, night seizures etc ) stayed high needs toddlers & pre schoolers.

They are amazing now . I am so proud of them ❤️.

Mine were high needs because they had high sensory needs , they needed holding & containing & needed comfort of co sleep at night .

They are awesome teenagers now 😍

That sounds more like mine Pick. Also had self regulating routines which made life predictable and easy.

I had one. She's now in her 20's and amazing human being.

Like Pixie, I can now say I have a confident, happy, well adjusted, kind adult ds, if that is any help ?

All my children would probably have been classed as high needs as babies, though I never came across the term at the time. They seemed to need to be held a great deal, and ideally to be in perpetual motion. Even now, years later, I sometimes catch myself swaying as if to soothe an imaginary fractious baby, as I did it so much. Sleep was optional for them, seemingly forbidden for me, and I became expert at eating one handed and living life whilst juggling a baby, both literallly and metaphorically.
They are teens and young adults now, and are all happy, bright and well adjusted. They are still always on the go and not wild about sleep - no long teenage lie ins here - but they are very easy to parent. Beyond infancy things improved hugely. Once they could do stuff and communicate affectively they were much happier. We've had no major issues with behaviour at any stage. Toddlerhood was fine and we've not had any major teenage angst either. They are loving, helpful and very close to us and each other. The early days were very hard. I used to look enviously at my mum friends in cafes as they had babies that happily surveyed the world from their buggies whilst they chatted and drank coffee that hadn't gone cold and developed that kind of skin on top. If I tried that I would have had a wailing banshee on my hands within minutes. But it seems to have paid off. They needed a huge amount of input as small children but its all been pretty plain sailing subsequently. Some of the placid little chaps from our baby days are giving their parents a really tough time as teenagers though. Of course it may all be coincidence but I can definitely say that not all high needs babies turn into high needs children and adults.

My ds was a nightmare until he was 6 months, hardly slept, screamed 24/7, didn't sit up unaided until 7 months, then sat up one day & crawled the next. Started saying simple words like mum, dad, dog, etc at 10 months, seemed to lose his words at 12 months, started speaking in full sentences at 14 months, everything in the right context. Just before he was 2 his favourite programme other than Cbeebies was Time Team, he was sat watching one day & just came out with "that lady is a geophysicist" He was obsessed with buses, his favourite trip out was going to town to the bus travel centre to collect bus timetables. He never wanted to play with the children at nursery, he spent all the outdoor play time talking to old ladies through the railings, he could tell the staff which bus they needed to get home before he was 3. He has never been a child that liked to play with other children, he always preferred adults. He was diagnosed with ASD age 9 & hasn't really changed much even now at 16, went from buses to planes & is now mad on trains, spends all his spare time & money on trains & wants to be a train driver after his A levels.

Had a similar baby to yours and it was awful. My heart goes out to you. I would get some of the wax style ear plugs from Boots - you can still hear enough, but your ears aren't completely hammered by the noise so you can still think straight.

He still has screaming fits now to the point where I think my current CM is ready to throw in the towel and serve us notice. He is a very strong willed boy and has a scream that would shatter a million mirrors. The difference now is you do see some of the good points now and then as they get older and my son does smile and make me laugh sometimes, whereas you don't get that much when they are so young still. You may find when your child starts smiling and is over the worst of it things will feel different.

To be fair, I think my son is always going to be hard work and have behaviour issues. At least he won't take any crap from people though and end up downtrodden like I have due to a lack of confidence. I suppose that is one good thing to hang on to.

My eldest son was also high need in a different way- very clingy, wouldn't sleep, needed bf a lot, although didn't have huge outbursts. He is really smart and does not stop talking now. He cries at the drop of a hat, but I am working with him on ways to cope with it. I think I read an article somewhere that high need kids tend to have higher IQ's, so just tell yourself this living hell is part and parcel of raising a genius!

I will get flamed for this, but I find FF babies much more chilled in temperament. Both my kids were breastfed and both are quite clingy and demanding at times. I still wouldn't change that though, as my eldest has really benefitted from it.

My son is 20 months old now and he was such a tough high needs baby. I found him an utter nightmare and really struggled with him. He was always crying and I felt like I was doing an awful job and I was always embarrassed to be the one with the miserable baby.
Well now he's an utter delight, families and happiest toddler in the world and just amazing and a pleasure to hang out with. Everyone loves him and he's so good. He's still hard work and quite demanding and we certainly have the battle of the wills sometimes but hes a clever and determined little thing and such a character. He's just lovely. I never thought I'd be saying that!

I found he improved with every milestone. Sitting helped a lot. Crawling helped massively. And walking and talking (he's only got single words but he can communicate) helped massively. Oh, pointing too as then I could understand what he wanted, like if he was thirsty and he didn't just have to cry until I guessed.

The best thing I found was getting him into a routine. I didn't do cry it out or even controlled crying but I did fix his nap times and even his feed times to an extent, even though he was exclusively breastfed. I mean if he seemed hungry I would still give him a feed whenever, but otherwise I tried to get him to nap and feed at certain times every day, and I actually woke him up at 7am to start our daily routine each day. Some of my NCT friends thought I was crazy but he ended up being the most amazing sleeper and the routine really suited us as I could arrange to go to baby classes etc when he was at his 'best' (even though he was still very difficult... he would have been worse if he was also tired and hungry). He hated a sling until he was old enough to face forwards and then suddenly he loved it. He screamed his head off on every car journey when he was tiny but got over it eventually and now adores car journeys. They just change.

The bonus is, all my friends moan about how hard having a toddler is and miss the baby days but for me, he's just got easier and easier so I'm so happy now! Oh and their 'easy' babies are now hard work toddlers.I am expecting my second child imminently though and keeping my fingers crossed for a more chilled out baby...

@surreygirl1987 congrats on your pregnancy, and on your brilliant little toddler. That you'd do it again gives me hope, although hope you get a break this time!

I was interested in the routine you say really helped - we've been trying to do this but struggling a bit as her naps are so random. She tends to (eventually) go down ok but it's a gamble whether she stays asleep for 45mins or 2 hours. All the routines I've seen seen to assume baby can stay asleep for 1.5 hrs every time... I'd be interested to know your experience. If they wake before then, do you simply keep to the next nap time, even if it's over 2 hours til the next scheduled nap? What about if they go to sleep on the go in car seat or stroller? Keen to try but can't quite get my head around the logistics...

I can do that! She's 8 and utterly fabulous. Clever, funny, brilliant company, hard-working and conscientious. We also now know she's on the autistic spectrum.

The first few months were really hard, but got easier over time. She was ferociously independent and wanted to do everything for herself - her first sentence was "Me do! Me do!" - so became happier and calmer the more she was able to do for herself. Starting to crawl was a game changer for her - I remember 10 months being particularly hellish because she was so close to it but not quite there yet and it frustrated her immensely. As soon as she got it, she was a much happier little person.

As a toddler she was a sweetie 90% of the time - curious and fun and so, so talkative - but her "tantrums" (which I now realise were meltdowns caused by overstimulation) were legendary. I have a very strong memory of having to leave Gymboree with her tucked under one arm like a surf board while she kicked and screamed...

She didn't sleep for longer than an hour and a half till she was 18 months, and was three and a half before she managed to sleep through the night. Even now she's a bad sleeper - but she just stays quietly in her bed, making up stories (she has the most incredible imagination, and lives in her own head most of the time) till she falls asleep.

She is the joy and delight of my life, and I've never met anyone else quite like her.

Hi,
I sympathise. I remember saying to DS2 - can you please stop crying long enough for me to see your face? Because he was just this rigid, scrunched up scarlet gremlin all day long.

Babies like this have problems, definitely, so you do need to keep pestering medics to get to the bottom of it and refuse to be dismissed as a new mum being precious.

My DS turned out to have agonising reflux, several mild but challengung physical disabilities and he is also autistic. Any of these are possible with the symptoms you describe.
Fast forward 17 years. He is the sweetest natured teen. Never had a tantrum (didn't have toddler tantrums either, which is rare in autistic children, but he didn't) He loves hugs. He is very funny - he cracks us all up. He is an amazing musician. He loves fashion and has a really good style (from about age 8 he started picking out clothes for me because he has a better eye than I do.) He's a great cook. He keeps his room clean and tidy (much more than his neurotypical brother does) and he has a great set of close friends. He's off soon to a good uni to do a really exciting course.

I tell you all this because even if the seriousness and the crying are autism, that doesn't have to mean life will always be tough.
Do all you can to calm the screaming. Even tell her what the plans are for the day. She may not understand yet but if you get into the habit of it, she will and if there is an issue with autism, this will massively reduce her anxiety over new places and people.

Haha I hope I get an easier ride this time round too! Luckily baby 2 will be born in the summer holidays and as my husband is a teacher he will be around to help more this time in those early days. But even if the baby is as much a nightmare as my first, I feel like I'll cope better this time because I don't expect a cuddly gurgly happy newborn this time round ... and also because I know the tough times do get better and I'll just have to wait it out! First time round it felt so relentless and never ending and that's partly why I struggled so much... plus I thought he'd always be like that!

Okay so you asked about naps. Yes, this is one thing that made a massive difference to us: a routine. Firstly, my son did not nap for 2 hours at a time until he was older: at least 4 months old (there is supposed to be a big sleep development at that point, which often gets referred to as a sleep regression). Until then he was doing bang on 45 minute naps. In fact, he struggled to nap at all initially. You know how newborn are supposed to be sleepy and fall asleep whenever they want? Not my boy. For the first 7 days he was a lovely sleepy little thing... then on day 8... he just stopped napping. And started crying all the time. I had no idea what to do. Even to this day we don't know why- we suspected maybe dairy allergy and actually he did have some digestive trouble but we'll never know for sure if there was something bothering him or if it was just 'him'. Anyway, we figured he would only sleep either if breastfed to sleep in my arms (if I was lucky!) or if marched around at high speed in his pram with no noise to wake him (pretty impossible- I got irrationally angry at birds tweeting at one point 🙈). Even then, he would usually only sleep for 45 minutes (he did do the occasional 2 hour nap but that was a weird and wonderful bonus... one was on Christmas eve and it was like a Christmas miracle!). We'd try to take him out every couple or hours in the pram for his nap but it meant I found it difficult to go anywhere and it was winter and rainy and just horrible!

At 8 weeks old we started this Little Ones programme and this was the game changer. I'll pm you more about it if you like. We started putting him down at 7pm in his cot and miraculously he slept... often all night! I guess he was exhausted? We woke him at 7am and have him strict nap times. We even woke him from the naps that were supposed to be shorter. This sounds so wrong but it was actually working and we all got used to it. At this point we started to try to put him in his cot for naps and it did usually work because he'd got used to the nap.times! I remember he took to the cot well for the first couple of naps a day but not the later one(s). The programme tells you want to do and how to adjust if they wake early from naps. Finally I could make plans again and we went to baby classes vetseen scheduled nap times. I was really strict about getting home in time and would do everything I could to keep him awake in the car ao I could benefit from him napping in his cot. And eventually he did start doing a 2 hour nap at lunchtime but certainly not at 3 months old. Oh and we introduced a dummy too at around 8 weeks which helped: only for naps because we wanted it to be a sleep association. I've always said I would never give my child a dummy but then I saw the reality of having a child and it actually did really help. So he had his dummy for every nap. I did diverge from the programme in terms of feeding: I didnt want to restrict his milk so I think I just offered him milk immediately before and after every nap and that seemed to work - he rarely seemed to want any more but if he did I'd always offer it (breastfed until 7 months). Anyway let me know if you have any more qs!!

My firstborn DD was like this. She was either asleep, feeding or crying! I was too embarrassed/exhausted to take her to baby groups. The other babies would just lie there in a peaceful conscious and content state whereas mine would just cry and cry! She was so unhappy and unsettled all the time! As the months passed she became easier but it was a very slow and gradual process. She was a very feisty toddler who had frequent meltdowns. She's now 9 and an absolute angel! She has been for many years. I get so many comments on how lovely she is. All her teachers tell me she's one of the loveliest, calmest and most caring children they've ever taught! I would never have believed she would turn out like this. When she was a baby I really believed there was something wrong with her. I thought she might have brain damage from the forceps delivery! My mum told me that some babies are just really hard work but it doesn't mean they'll always be like that. My second child was the complete opposite. The most calm and content baby and now at 7 years old quite a handful!