Can I ask for some stories/posts from people who love being a parent?

[AliasGrape]

I feel like I’ve read a lot of negative threads lately about people who don’t enjoy parenting or who regret having children. No judgement from me, I understand it’s very hard and I also understand it’s important to share these stories.

I’m expecting my first baby next month and I’m not going to lie, I’m terrified all of a sudden. I understand people saying ‘everyone tells you it’s easy and wonderful and it’s important to share the negative stories because otherwise you won’t realise that actually it can be really shit and awful’. I’m sure that’s true for many, but I feel that I’ve been hearing nothing but the negative ‘it’s shit and awful’ messages for a while - not just talking about on here, I’ve had it in real life a fair bit. For example I met up with two friends before lockdown and the subject of breastfeeding came up, when I said I was going to try it the responses were along the lines of ‘you’ll hate it it’s hideous try it if you must but you’ll end up giving up like everyone else does’.

I’m 40, I’ve longed for children for a very long time. I even considered trying to do it alone before I met my husband and was starting down that path, but met him and we very quickly realised we wanted the same thing so started trying together. We had fertility issues and it’s taken us 4 years to get here.

Whenever I would say about wanting children to friends/family members I’d get a whole lot of ‘oh you don’t know how lucky you are, don’t bother’ type responses. Followed by stories about how tired, poor, stressed etc they were. Once it became clear we were seriously trying/ struggling to conceive and definitely once I became pregnant they have luckily changed their tune to saying how lovely and exciting it all is, but there’s still an undertone of your don’t know what you’re letting yourself in for’.

In the darkest days of unsuccessfully trying to conceive I would think that if I could just have a baby I wouldn’t care if I never had a full night’s sleep again, that I’d give up all our boozy lunches, nights out, holidays etc etc in a heartbeat so I could be a mum and we could be a family and I’d never look back. Now here I am 8 months pregnant and I’m suddenly shitting myself that our life of pleasing ourselves is going to change, that I really love time to myself and I’m about to lose it all, that I’ll never have a completely chilled ‘drop out’ holiday again where I read on the beach for 8 hours, have a nice meal with lots of wine, sleep like a dead thing and repeat every day for a fortnight. I love those holidays!

I really thought we’d planned and discussed and thought about this decision in every aspect but I suddenly feel laughably unprepared and a bit ‘what on earth were we thinking?’ I suppose spending so long wanting it and not being able to get pregnant it started to feel like something that wasn’t really going to happen.

I’m rambling but I just feel like I need some positive stories to balance out the negative that I’ve been fixating on a bit lately. It’s perfectly possible I will fall in love with my baby and not regret becoming a parent isn’t it? It’s perfectly possible I will love being the parent I’ve longed to be for at least 10 years if not my entire adult life? I’m not saying ‘please tell me it’s easy and I’ll never have a problem or a shit day/week/month’. More ‘please tell me that it’s not automatic that I’m going to hate every second and regret it for the rest of my life’.

I love being a parent. It’s the best thing I have ever done, and my children are wonderful people.

The absolute worst was the sleep deprivation and the early days of breastfeeding. After that each stage has got easier and more rewarding.

I struggled with breastfeeding at the start with both dcs, but ended up continuing til about 15 months with both. Once they get the hang of it it’s brilliant and so much easier than all the faff with bottles that I saw others having to deal with.

This is all with the massive caveat that both dc are preteens. This could all be about to change!

I absolutely love it. Dd is the most incredible thing in the world.

I was married 15 years. Had multiple loses and failed IVF. Then she came along from nowhere.

I struggled with BF, I developed chronic health anxiety and she didn't sleep more than an hour until 14 months.

Every time I look at her I fee this love and wonder that nothing else compares to. I don't want to leave her ever.

I was a partner in a law firm. They wouldn't let me go part time so I resigned and have taken some time out. Just as well as no childcare at all now. I don't miss my work at all and for me, it was absolutely the right decision.

Every day she amazes me with her funny little ways. Feeling that little hand creep into yours is something else.

Absolutely love it, and just found out I am 14 weeks with number 2, so it's all change here.

Enjoy every second OP. Even the hard bits, it's worth it.

I am in the throes of teen years now, but have loved every minute of motherhood. Nothing comes close to holding your newborn baby, nor the days that follow as they toddle into the world. Every stage is very special in its own way. I can honestly say - I have had a very exciting life - but by a long way they have been the very best thing to happen to me. By a country mile.
They bring me happiness every day even now sixteen years later, and when the harder days arrived they give me a reason to keep trying, to be strong and healthy.

I doubted my ability to be a good mother, I am not the maternal type but I loved being a parent!

You need to find your way with motherhood like all new things, take your time, don't measure or compare yourself with others, expect to be tired and make things as easy as possible for a few months until you adjust and just enjoy every moment in the way that suits you most. I found my tribe - gentle parenting - the most authentic way to bring up children for me, but you will find your own way. Keep everything simple and the rest will follow.

Don't worry about the jitters, all new parents feel nervous, and no two experiences are the same. Given how long you have waited, I am sure you have had time to weigh up what the possible negatives might be to parenthood! In my experience people tend to say things like children are too tiring/expensive out of kindness to you. I doubt very much they actually mean it, most parents will do anything for their children.

I’ve also loved being a mum. I have one daughter and I found her a pleasure. I loved being with her and she had such a calm and gentle nature. I just found her quite mesmerising. She is now 18 and we are so close and I find her company wonderful.

Just to give you some hope with the breastfeeding, I haven’t struggled with it. Both my children knew how to do it, I just had to stick them in the right position and then they got on with it within minutes of being born. I may have been lucky but I know others who have found the same. Get some lansinoh cream in to help your nipples stop cracking.

The good times are the hugs and the moments you feel so proud because they’ve achieved a new skill, like walking or riding a bike.

I am going to give both sides as I do think that it's important that we hear it. No-one told me the bad and I thought that there was something wrong with me or baby when it was difficult.
I remember sobbing in bed on day 3 because I thought that I'd ruined my life, dreading getting home from a walk because it meant that dc would wake up and I didn't know what to do with her and getting to the stage where I didn't like his name because I was srrugging so much.
We had problems with feeding which I became a bit obsessive about and ds didn't sleep and lost a lot of weight.
Since I've mentioned it to other people, they have admitted to feeling exactly the same but being ashamed to admit it at the time.

But....
He is three now and I am expecting number 2.
He is my little friend and I absolutely love spending time with him. He amazes me every day with what he is able to do and how quickly he is developing.
He gives the best cuddles and kisses and is the most affectionate and caring little thing.
He is funny and bright and I am constantly in awe of the fact that we made him.
I often look at him and my heart physically hurts because I just love him so much.
I regularly crawl into his toddler bed, bump and all for a cuddle while he is asleep. (There was a stage where I would have murdered anyone who even considered anything that might have woken him!)

Being his mummy is the best thing that I have ever done.
Good luck with it all xxx.

There are definitely hard patches but for me having children is the best thing I’ve ever done too. I feel fulfilled in a way I never did pre DC. When I had DD1 I had a sense of ‘oh! That’s what was missing’ They are so clever and funny and different to one other and they surprise me every day. I’ve got four little ones and so I’m frequently exhausted but I never feel lonely. Once you have kids you always have something to talk about to other parents so small talk and making friends is easy.

I found breastfeeding hard at first with two DC but in the end it was great, it was pretty straightforward with the other two. Holidays are different once you have DC but if you go somewhere with an incredible kids club you can do a bit of drinking wine and flopping on the beach! Don’t despair. No one can prepare you for what it’s like, the awful bits or the glorious bits and everyone’s hard bits are different anyway.

Congratulations OP. It can be a rollercoaster but rollercoasters are exciting!

Look, I get it. When you're pregnant with your first it is f*cking annoying to hear people moan and tell horror stories (same with childbirth). I totally sympathise, especially if you've struggled with infertility (as I did - I had 4 miscarriages before our DS was born 4 years ago).

The thing is, nothing you read online can really prepare you for the realities of parenthood. Yes, all the things you think are going to be difficult are difficult - the lack of sleep, a crying newborn, adjusting to life as a three instead of a two etc - but I would say it is less tangible than that really. Something kind of shifts in you emotionally and you're just never the same person again. Some of that is wonderful - I didn't know it was possible to love another person so much - but the flipside of that, for me, is just the anxiety. DS's pain is my pain. The thought of something happening to him is just so unbearably awful. Like, my brother who is 16 is (supposed to be) going on a plane for the first time on his own later this year and I sat there thinking...god, one day my own DS will be doing that. Like, the thought that he would one day be somewhere and I would have no idea where was completely bizarre to me. I can't really describe it, and I hope people reading don't take that as me being a weird clingy type of Mum because I promise I'm not.

It's just the sheer weight of the love and responsibility is sometimes overwhelming. I still feel that and DS is nearly 5. When my friends are pregnant they want advice on all the tangible stuff - how to breastfeed, how to get them to sleep, when should they give them calpol etc. But those things are easy (relatively speaking) - it's everything else, for which there is no manual and no warning.

I'm one of four and I remember asking my mum - how did you do this with four of us? How could you bear the weight of it?

Think it probably depends on the disposition of the parent as well as the child. I'm a very sensitive person so the emotions of everything have been really challenging for me. I find parenting wonderful in many ways but very, very hard. And this is with one child, in a financially secure household with a lot of family support. Who has always slept well. And is "easy".

This is a random brain dump and I am very pre menstrual right now so I apologise if it makes zero sense.

BTW breastfeeding was easy for me so please don't take it as read that it's going to be hard. I think part of why it was easy was that I'd watched my mother breastfeed my siblings and I know what to expect - I knew that cluster feeding was normal and that it would pass, for example.

My DD is the best thing to ever happen to me. I had a horrific childhood and whilst I love my DP my DD is the only true love I've ever known. It is hard there's no denying that but when I look at her I feel whole.

She is only 2 so every day with her has a handful of magic, the thing I never expected to love so much is watching her figuring things out as it's easy to forget everything is new to children. My DD was delighted by the hand pump that inflated her pool. A simple thing I never thought about but she was squealing with joy helping me press it and seeing the air blow out. Wee moments like that make all the sleepless nights, poo explosions and tantrums worth it any day of the week!

I managed to breastfeed but found it difficult at first. My DD struggled to latch and her hungry cry while I tried to get her to eat was horrible and made me feel like I was a terrible mum but I hired a lactation consultant and she worked (very hands on) with DD and I over a few sessions and after that it was great. I fed on demand and had no issues after. I actually miss it now as it was special time between us and I liked knowing all she needed was me. I guess that's still true though! Having a child is a rollercoaster, the highs are euphoric and the lows can be crushing but honestly ive forgot most of the bad times but still cherish every wee moment of magic with my darling girl and hopefully it'll stay that way for years to come.

I think the thing to remember is that you might not love all of it. And some of it may be awful (sleep dep for me) But that doesn’t mean you’ll regret it or hate being a mum. I wasn’t much into baby stage but toddlers are awesome. Watching their brain expand by the second. Even tantrums I don’t mind because it means that they have a personality and they’re learning about what they want. So yes, some days are shit but I still wouldn’t change it ever. I feel so unbelievably lucky to have my kids. Especially when you’ve been through fertility issues, you know that desperation of not being able to conceive and seeing pregnant women and babies everywhere. And some days are bliss. The feeling of waking along with your kids and chatting and laughing is wonderful.

Breastfeeding was a nightmare with my first (prem) but got there after 8 weeks. And a doddle with my second. No pain, nothing. All totally fine.

I would say the negatives of parenting as you describe are real BUT there is literally nothing on earth to compare to having your own, wonderful son or daughter. I love mine so much it hurts. No you won't be lying on a sun lounger for 8 hours but you'll be doing something different, happy, maybe silly, whatever, laughing your head off, exciting to be pointing out a rabbit or a hovering hawk, watching your child digging on a beach, smiling at them in the bath with bubbles piled on their head, reading them the Gruffalo at bedtime. All these things are pure magic. Don't worry

I would say for the first year or so I messed my old life. Like you say, those holidays of chilling out by a pool and sleeping on and off to recharge... They seem a million miles away now.

However, that doesn't mean I didn't also love it. I suffered with pnd which started during pregnancy. I stupidly didn't get help for ages. As soon as I did, it was like the fog cleared and here appeared my best friend, standing approx 2 foot high and making me laugh my head off with fart noises!
I now look forward and see holidays MORE enjoyable than I had before. I can't wait to take DS away when corona is done. He makes me laugh so much, I love teaching him about animals and the noises they make and stuff. The sooner I realised he was mine and I could do what I wanted with him (as opposed to what everyone else wanted me to do I. E feed him avocado every second meal, or jelly for breakfast.. Yes mum I'm looking at you) the better I felt and the more I enjoyed it.
I must enjoy some aspect of parenting, I've just spent 3 months i a flat with a toddler and I'm now pregnant again, expecting dc2!
A little nerves are normal and to be expected. You will be how you will be as a parent, do things your own way. Don't listen to advice from people because everyone has their own reasons for doing things how they did them. You'll love it, kids are great

I've got a 4 month old. The first month was tough, but now I am really loving it. He is just the best thing ever. It does change you as a previous poster says, I've probably been a lot more emotional, but I also feel like it's opened up my world and given me so much more purpose. Who knows what I'll be saying in 10 years!

I love being a parent. Yes, there are hard times and no you probably won't have a 'drop and flop' 14 day holiday for a few years (until they can go into kids club...) but the joy is like nothing I've experienced. I would NEVER say this to anyone apart from my partner (and anonymously on MN) but our lives before DC and those of friends who don't have children do seem a bit 'empty' in comparison.

It's also perfectly possible to have time to yourself - you just have to do it in shifts when they're little (we are also lucky to have supportive grandparents, although not locally). DD is 2.5 and we've been on a weekend break alone at 15 months (GPs had her), DH has a season ticket to the football, I play a sport every weekend (we tag team childcare on a Saturday), there have been plenty of days and meals out with friends, hen & stag dos etc since she's been here. Of course it's more of a juggle but it is definitely possible to have kids and time to yourself. Weekend mornings start earlier but there's nothing like us all being snuggled up with tea & toast in our bed early on a Sunday.

Good luck, it's going to be amazing!!

Wouldn’t change it for a minute (well, maybe a few minutes in the early days and terrible twos).

They’ve tried the limits of my patience and I’ve been half demented with exhaustion at times. But I’ve also been enchanted, amazed and entertained every single day of their lives. I utterly adore them and can barely remember my life without them in it.

Also, things somehow become much easier when they turn six (according to me and all my friends anyway).

Thank you for the replies everyone! They really are helping.

It’s interesting the anxiety side of it being mentioned - that’s something I really didn’t factor in. Then as soon as I got the positive pregnancy test the sheer terror of ‘what if something goes wrong’ kicked in. I had a rocky start to the pregnancy with bleeding and so on, and remember constantly thinking if I could just get to 8 weeks, 12 weeks, 20 weeks, viability, full term etc etc I’d feel a bit calmer and not be so anxious. It took a while for it to dawn on me that this is my life now I will always be worried about this little being.

I appreciate hearing both sides!

It's the best thing you'll ever do. Is it hard? Yes it is sometimes. Thank s it the best job in the world? Absolutely.

I look at my DCs and I could actually burst with how much I love them. I don't feel like I've missed out on anything by having them etc and they bring so much love and laughter to my life.

I've always been quite strict routine wise and they are both absolutely great.

Good luck on your parenting journey, the best years of your life are about to begin!

I have four children, and if it weren't for all the dirty dishes and laundry I would honestly have four more. I absolutely love being a parent. If I could go back in time I would do it all again. They are the absolute light of my life

Also I think when you are pregnant then giving birth feels like "the hurdle", as it were - you soon realise that giving birth was the easy bit (and I say that as someone who had a very traumatic and long labour).

I know what you mean about all the negativity when you're pregnant. It's like everyone always asks you when you're having a baby and you can't possibly go through life without having children but once you're pregnant they can't wait to tell you you'll never sleep again and your life is over! That's how it felt to me anyway.

My DD is 2 now and makes me laugh and gives great cuddles and is learning new things every day. Doing stuff as a family is great, watching her face light up when we go to the beach or the zoo etc. She must be alright as we are trying for another

Also I expected breastfeeding to be difficult as that's what I'd heard from everyone, and it was painful and constant to start with, but it doesn't stay like that. I stuck with it way longer than I thought I would and did it for 9 months in the end

It's funny because I did think about this last night strangely.

We are very rural and they were clipping. They all had a few drinks afterwards, in the shed, all live here so all family.

I brought Dd home for bath and bed. I cuddled her in for story and lay there listening to the laughter in the yard and thought nope, there's nowhere in the world I would rather be right now then cuddling this little person.

Normally I love the post clipping, lazy Sunday drinks in the sun.

I love being a parent its wonderful and I cant understand it when people are negative about things like the summer holidays/ spending time with their children etc it makes no sense to me but everyones different. Its really really hard to start with yes and Im sure it will be really really hard again during teenager years etc but mostly its lovely and worth it by far over all.

I do think lowering expectations and doing things slowly helps - knowing its going to be hard means reality is less of a shock - there is little sleep and they do jump on your head alot - but once you take things slow and put cebebbies on in the morning while you have coffee and are happy that thats fine (or whatever similar coping thing etc etc) and do things your way then it becomes so much easier. For example when I had my first I got so stressed trying to figure out why he didnt sleep and trying depsperatly to make the routine work that he would sleep at night and everyone had their own opinion - that was waaaay harder time than when I had my second and accepted there would be little sleep, co sleeping would work best and stress would be worst and everytime someone asked the annoying questions like "are they a good baby, do they sleep well?" I say " Oh yes! Sleeping like a baby!!" Much more postive for my well being than thinking why dont they sleep, whats wrong, what can I do to get sleep! Accept there is no sleep and then all sleep will be a bonus! The hard stuff isnt for ever, mine now sleep fine and its really really lovely - being a parent is fab with sprinkles of really hard!

I definitely felt in mourning for my "old life" for quite a long time - I'd say definitely 6 months if not getting on for a year. But going back to work really helped in that respect.

I don't think there are certain ages I've found harder than others either - they were all difficult and also lovely at each stage for different reasons.

I have 4 children, so we did enjoy it enough to keep going! 🤣

People who enjoy parenting a lot tend not to spend as much time posting on forums, I think. Personally, I absolutely adore my DCs, even when they're behaving in difficult ways, and so far it's amazing and humbling how much they seem to adore me and DH too, even when we're behaving in difficult ways . My life would be immeasurably poorer without them, and they give me so much delight every day. Just yesterday, my toddler ds4 woke me up by kissing my eyes and whispering softly in my ear "read a book? Pleeeease please please?" (it was 5.30, but still cute), ds2 carefully saved a bee from our paddling pool, gave it a name and sang a buzzing song to cheer it up while while it dried off, DS3 drew a colouring-in picture for ds4 as a special present, and ds1 came downstairs after bedtime and just as I was about to tell him off, he got a bit teary and said that DH and I hadn't both come up to hug him in bed, and without a hug from the whole family he felt like a jigsaw missing a piece and couldn't rest properly. All little things, but each special to me.

However - from moment to moment, there are still hard bits, boring bits, bits that make me want to swear and throw things... The trick for me is being really present in the good times, and understanding that a tantrum is still a learning process, and it's ok if some days the house is a bit of a mess, all the food was beige, and everyone cried at least once, including me.

The biggest thing I wish I'd known with number one is that (a) a baby will pretty much always cry at least once in a day, you're still being responsive and doing fine, (b) if you need structure that's ok, but if you want to safely cosleep and carry them in a sling all day like a kangaroo and spend zero moments a day swaddling and teaching them to sleep properly that is fine too (and for me, infinitely more restful) and (c) when the baby is crying and everything is going wrong it will feel like an emergency but it is not an emergency, if you do one thing at a time and prioritise hugs you will get there ok. My first had colic and some medical issues, and I didn't get a total rush of love that some people seem to - I was totally protective but he felt quite alien, in a sense. For many mums, there's also a sense of loss of your old life before you can enjoy your new world, especially if things are tricky in the early days. It's only now when I look back and see the million photos I took of his most uninteresting moments that I realise we were totally in love from the start, just so blitzed by the whole experience.
My DH found it harder, I think because he missed his old life more. It's harder, imo, if you try to hold on to your old life but with a baby in tow (it might work with an easy newborn but not a busy toddler), and better if you try to throw yourself into new ways of being and engaging, while finding ways to hold onto old friends and favourite activities.

Breastfeeding has been hard for me in the first weeks but a great thing overall - I intended to feed for the first 6 days, then 6 weeks, and ultimately fed 3 mine into toddlerhood, other than one who stopped in week 2 due to medical issues (and he's just fine too). People in the UK are very strange about it, do keep in mind that the UK has one of the world's lowest bfing rates and what is 'normal' here is very much not elsewhere. My family live in a Nordic country where 80% of babies are still breastfed at 6 months, a smaller percentage are breastfed by 6 weeks here - it's ok whatever you choose to do, mixing is possible, and seek help early if you need.

You sound like this baby is so.wanted, and you will do an amazing job, and joy will come!