Can I ask for some stories/posts from people who love being a parent?

[AliasGrape]

I feel like I’ve read a lot of negative threads lately about people who don’t enjoy parenting or who regret having children. No judgement from me, I understand it’s very hard and I also understand it’s important to share these stories.

I’m expecting my first baby next month and I’m not going to lie, I’m terrified all of a sudden. I understand people saying ‘everyone tells you it’s easy and wonderful and it’s important to share the negative stories because otherwise you won’t realise that actually it can be really shit and awful’. I’m sure that’s true for many, but I feel that I’ve been hearing nothing but the negative ‘it’s shit and awful’ messages for a while - not just talking about on here, I’ve had it in real life a fair bit. For example I met up with two friends before lockdown and the subject of breastfeeding came up, when I said I was going to try it the responses were along the lines of ‘you’ll hate it it’s hideous try it if you must but you’ll end up giving up like everyone else does’.

I’m 40, I’ve longed for children for a very long time. I even considered trying to do it alone before I met my husband and was starting down that path, but met him and we very quickly realised we wanted the same thing so started trying together. We had fertility issues and it’s taken us 4 years to get here.

Whenever I would say about wanting children to friends/family members I’d get a whole lot of ‘oh you don’t know how lucky you are, don’t bother’ type responses. Followed by stories about how tired, poor, stressed etc they were. Once it became clear we were seriously trying/ struggling to conceive and definitely once I became pregnant they have luckily changed their tune to saying how lovely and exciting it all is, but there’s still an undertone of your don’t know what you’re letting yourself in for’.

In the darkest days of unsuccessfully trying to conceive I would think that if I could just have a baby I wouldn’t care if I never had a full night’s sleep again, that I’d give up all our boozy lunches, nights out, holidays etc etc in a heartbeat so I could be a mum and we could be a family and I’d never look back. Now here I am 8 months pregnant and I’m suddenly shitting myself that our life of pleasing ourselves is going to change, that I really love time to myself and I’m about to lose it all, that I’ll never have a completely chilled ‘drop out’ holiday again where I read on the beach for 8 hours, have a nice meal with lots of wine, sleep like a dead thing and repeat every day for a fortnight. I love those holidays!

I really thought we’d planned and discussed and thought about this decision in every aspect but I suddenly feel laughably unprepared and a bit ‘what on earth were we thinking?’ I suppose spending so long wanting it and not being able to get pregnant it started to feel like something that wasn’t really going to happen.

I’m rambling but I just feel like I need some positive stories to balance out the negative that I’ve been fixating on a bit lately. It’s perfectly possible I will fall in love with my baby and not regret becoming a parent isn’t it? It’s perfectly possible I will love being the parent I’ve longed to be for at least 10 years if not my entire adult life? I’m not saying ‘please tell me it’s easy and I’ll never have a problem or a shit day/week/month’. More ‘please tell me that it’s not automatic that I’m going to hate every second and regret it for the rest of my life’.

Everyday I wake up feeling sleep deprived and tired

But the joy I get from seeing the big smile on my DDs face just because she finally got my attention melts my heart

The random babbling of my toddler son trying to negotiate a deal with me to get me to play with him using laughable smart tactics to get me to comply is absolutely giving me pride

Every other moment I look at my kids knowing that I’m so lucky they came out of me and I managed to keep them alive this far but also... I managed to nurture them into who they are..

I don’t think I’ve ever done anything as satisfying in my life

I miss my individuality before motherhood.. being carefree. But not because I don’t enjoy my children.

I miss it because I miss my sleep and miss those ours I could decide to kill time and watch movies without feeling guilty.

But you manage to work around parenting and relationship so you can manage to get a good balance

The first year of parenting you’re adjusting . So many people struggle because they want that balance super fast

My advice is focus on enjoying parenting and then ease your way into a good balance

It’s an overwhelming sudden change of responsibilities that not many of us are prepared for culturally

So you need a full year of transitioning Nd not focus on trying to do well at everything ! Try to enjoy it and if you juggle too much you will overwhelm urself

So basically, naturally we fright to cling on to what’s familiar and what we are used to when we are faced with quick transition. So you will start thinking you want to go back to work or whatever..

In truth all you need is to sit down, guilt free, nap all day and cuddle your baby.. coo over it. Enjoy the moment. Put a pause on everything else

Once you see the world in a simple way, through the eyes of your baby, you will see immense pleasure and fun that you cannot replace

The best advise I was given was that having a child will be the hardest, yet most rewarding thing you'll ever do. And it's been so so true. The newborn/baby stages are hard, and relentless, and I think everyone has days where they wonder what the hell they've done, but as that baby grows into a child, and you get to experience life through their eyes, it's the most wonderful thing. My children have brought a whole new dimension and meaning to my life, and I just couldn't imagine not being a parent now. I look forward to each stage I will get to experience with them, and look back wondering why I wished those baby years away at the time, wishing I could hold them that tiny again. Congrats op xx

I just adore my daughters. They are the loves of my life (I love my DH, but it isn't the same). Yes, there are hard times, annoying times, but none if it matters. I have a great career, lovely family, friends & husband. But my kids are the absolute centre of everything.
Tbh I think the vast majority of people feel like this, but don't voice it because it sounds cringey, smug, insensitive etc.

I don't love being a parent, but that doesn't mean I don't adore my children. Like you I didnt have children until my 40s because I didnt get married until then. I found the adjustment hard, and tragically my husband died when they were 4 and 6. But they were the reason I got up every day. I had sine terrible times for a year or two afterwards, but if I didnt have my beautiful kids to look after I don't know where I'd be.
Yes they can break your heart, but they are also the best thing I've ever done.

I have really enjoyed parent hood so far. I had quite severe depression before DD was born and the 2.5 years of her life have been the happiest of mine so far.

If I had any advice it would be to do things the way you want to do them and don’t put any pressure or expectations on yourself. I got a lot of comments from friends and family about holding the baby too much or that she slept in our room for too long (until she was 8 months) but at the time I thought to myself “you know what, you never know what’s going to happen in life and this might be the only time I ever get to experience having a baby so I might as well squeeze as much enjoyment from it as I can”. So I cuddled her every opportunity I got and I still cuddle her to sleep every night and I love it.

I have a toddler and the only way I can describe it is it is like having a crush. You know those butterflies you get in the pit of your stomach when you first meet someone, you can't stop thinking about them and it just gives you a warm feeling inside.

It's a constant feeling. Some days stronger than other days but when you go to bed at night however tough the day has been I find I forget the problems they caused and the tiredness and the warm feeling comes over me again.

I’m excited for you OP. There will be the inevitable struggles ahead - lack of sleep, lack of spontaneity, tantrums, the usual things you hear about, but speaking personally nothing I have ever done has been better or more worthwhile than becoming a mum. I have 3 degrees and am a professional but none of it matters. I have a 2 year old DS and a DD who will be making her way into the world in a few weeks. The love I feel for both of them is infinite. My little DS is so precious - every day he does something that stops me in my tracks. There’s no better feeling than holding a little tiny hand in yours as you walk along or when they tell you that they love you. My heart breaks with the weight of my love every day! He just stopping breastfeeding a fortnight ago and at times it has been hard but very worth it. Not everyone gives up immediately - you’ll do what’s right for you.

It does seem to have become fashionable to talk about how awful parenthood is and how hideous children are. I know that the trend started as a counter to the pressure to be a perfect parent and to reassure people who are finding things hard that they are not alone, which is great, but I think things have swung too far the other way now. It is almost like nobody allowed to be happy as mother or to say nice things about children.

Obviously everyone has good and bad days. I don't think anyone genuinely loves every minute of motherhood any more than anyone loves every minute of their job, relationship or whatever. But for most, the pros outweigh the cons. If that wasn't the case, why would anyone do it twice?
It takes some getting used to. Sleep deprivation is tough. The learning curve is steep. The responsibility is huge.But you do learn, you aren't really all alone, and its not actually as complicated as it seems at first. Tough phases pass. Life will never be the same, but that's the whole point isn't it? We choose to have children because we want something different?

I'm not going to claim to have loved every minute because I haven't. You don't have to be on Cloud 9 continuously to be happy overall. Its ok to have bad days, but chances are that the good days will far outweigh the bad.
We might just have been lucky but so far (eldest is 22, youngest 14) there have been no major problems with behaviour or anything. They are bright, witty and caring young people and there is nobody on the planet I would rather spend time with. Yes, we have the odd heated discussion over untidy bedrooms or piano practice, but nothing serious. It is not inevitable that the twos will be truly terrible or that teens will go off the rails. There will be things you can't do any more and places you can't go, at least for a while, but children also introduce you to new things, places and people. Having children has enriched my life in many, many ways.

Go with the flow. Don't feel you have to be perfect or to be happy all the time. You will make mistakes. You will miss elements of your old life. But with an open mind and heart you will discover lots of new stuff. Be aware that there isn't only one right way to parent. If people give you advice, take what works for you and leave the rest - don't feel you have to conform to one school of thought or parenting "method". Its fine to mix and match! I think your worries are normal and very common. Its probably the single biggest change most of us experience in our lives so it would be strange if we didn't have anxieties. But you're not alone, and like most of us, chances are, you will be fine.

Parenting is what you make of it. You have to remember that when you become a parent you are still you. You won't magically become an Earth Mother or some bizarre stereotype that you have to live up to.

You'll find your ways of making things fun, easier for you and enjoyable for the kids. One parent might find soft play fun, another taking the kids to the park. It really doesn't matter as long as you and the kids are happy. It's easy to read about negative experiences but you live and learn from them and adapt accordingly.

Don't make things difficult for yourself! Don't try to be something you're not.

YES, the sleepless nights are bad. They are. But know that they won't last forever, they really won't. And when people say sleep when the baby sleeps, listen to them!

Hands down the best thing I have ever done ( and I am writing this whilst up breast feeding (plus topping up and winding and clearing up sick) babies 3 and 4! Yes it has its moments (twins are hard) and I am dreading all my help finishing in the next few weeks but....wouldn't change it for the world! And yes I have an amazing husband

Ah, they are brilliant. It's not easy but you will love it. Their cheeks are so soft and their hands are plump; physically I have just adored the cuteness of them. No doubt about it, your world becomes smaller and there will be times of mad sleep desperation but they will adore you and drive you mad at the same time. It will be mostly lovely.

Posted too soon

Even when your babies are asleep you can’t sit down and relax because you have to get ready for the next round. There is soooo much cooking and cleaning and washing to do! The only time you get to yourself is when they go to sleep for the night (IF they go to sleep for the night) but by then you’re too tired to do anything except maybe have a bath. Washing your hair becomes a “treat”.

BUT... My babies are the loves of my life. Even when I’m half asleep and desperate to go back to bed, the 2 year old will come out with something unexpected and hilarious that will make me burst out laughing and think “Where did he come from?!” because he’s just so original and unique and clever and funny. (Objectively, he just is!) As much as I complain about not having time for my hobbies and interests, I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. Children bring so much richness into your life, they really do. You’ve never known love and happiness quite like it. You have so much to look forward to!

I felt anxious during pregnancy and had this sort of feeling when I was a parent I'd have to Know Everything At Once. Which of course isn't at all what being a parent is like: they grow and change slowly and you've got time to learn new things. There's only so many things you need to understand at each stage: you don't need to know about teenagers to parent a newborn baby.

Mine are grown-up now but here is a list of things I really enjoyed at different stages:

Changing nappies. It's a lovely bonding time. When they were old enough to laugh we used to play a little tickling game (very gentle) and they would love it.

Singing to them Dh who doesn't have a musical ear used to do something he claimed was Tibetan nose-singing which seemed to have magic baby-soothing properties.

Cuddling them to sleep in your arms. That whole feeling that you are someone's security. I remember one of the first nights at home with my eldest. I sat on the bed after feeding her and sang lullabies and she fell asleep. And then dh who was stretched out next to us fell asleep too. And I sat there thinking Now I really am Mummy.

Imaginary play. You'll hear a lot on MN about how people hate doing imaginary play and some people don't enjoy it. But I did. I loved playing with the teddies and dolls and hearing what they were thinking. I loved taking dc into the woods and playing at Robin Hood and Knights of the Round Table. I love hearing that my tall bearded 20yo still remembers that fondly.

Reading aloud. There are so many good children's books and more are written all the time. It's such a lovely together thing to do.

Discovering the big outdoors Which doesn't have to be very big for a small person. Splashing in puddles. Finding a caterpillar. Talking to the birds.

A cup of cold water and a slice of half-burnt toast in bed for Mother's Day because they did it all themselves.

Watching them become independent. Seeing them wave to a family across the road and realising they know people you don't because they go to school and have friends. The first time they go to the shops alone. When they come home and tell you about a difficult decision they had to make and you realise that the values you have tried to represent have actually made a difference.

Hi, congratulations on your pregnancy.

For me, I had a tough pregnancy (HG and coccydynia which meant I couldn't sit down for any length of time without pain from about week 18 and just general aches and tiredness etc plus anxiety and depression). I also found my labour/ birth experience traumatic (initially left in a room with no pain relief til I was 8cm, eventually had an instrumental with no working pain relief). I was still having pelvic floor physio when my DD was about 10 months old after I'd already returned to work. I hated breastfeeding, it was so so painful for me and I got lots of support but nobody seemed to know what the problem was. My DD eventually developed bottle preference at 10 weeks after mix feeding for a few weeks and would no longer latch then but I was relieved if anything. It destroyed my mental health.

DD was 'high needs' although did sleep pretty well overnight which was her saving grace. She screamed all day every day for months on end. I was depressed and woke up every morning with palpitations and anxiety. I hated much of it initially and struggled to bond with her.

It got gradually and slowly better and better as she reduced her screaming and started to nap better and moved on to cows milk and got more interactive etc. I went back to work at 9m which also helped me. From 1 things were much easier and much more enjoyable. She's just turned 2 and the last year for me has been much more fun and much less stressful than the first year. I feel like I love her more as each month goes by as I am getting to know who she IS now that she can communicate better etc. And it is awesome! We are planning to start TTC again later this year. We both wish we could just have a 1 year old sent to us by a stork as that first year isn't our thing at all plus I'm terrified about another birth and highly likely to suffer from HG again, but it hasn't put me off. DD was worth all of it and I'm sure the next one will be too.

Mine are 4.5 & 6.5 now and they're bloody brilliant, i couldn't imagine life without them.

The baby phase i found hard with DD (the oldest), but not so much DS. Now they are so much fun, and all that heavy, physically intensive baby/toddler wrangling is fading away, and I'm getting lots of bits of what I loved to do before back - can sit and read a book for an hour on a sunday morning now, and its glorious :D

Some people love the newborn stage, some love toddlers (i actually think there is nothing funnier than a 2 year old), and primary-school age kids are often considered easiest. You'll find something lovely in all the phases I think

@Fairenuff I am pregnant and just watched that video you posted and now I am sobbing 😭😭

OP, I think everyone has said it - yes, there are hard bits (and everyone’s hard bits will be different), but that’s not what you asked for.

I adore being a mum, I literally think it’s the career/job I was made for (although still going back to work! Ha ha). The look on my baby boy’s face when he sees me in the morning, watching him grow and learn new things, his hugs and slobbery kisses, the way he reaches his little arms around my neck when he bumps himself, when he falls asleep all warm and often sweaty in my arms, seeing his little personality develop... I could go on, I’m pregnant with number 2 and emotional! There are so many wonderful things and I love that he’s my little human. I love seeing him laugh and I love doing the things I know he’ll enjoy.

I think I’m a different person than before I had a child, not totally but subtly. My career and “my life” are still important to me but I don’t think I’ll be the promotion-chaser that I once was. I’d be very happy to continue doing the job I enjoy and spending time at home. Family, and being close to my family has become more important. Putting the needs of my baby (babies) before myself is automatic. I care less about other people’s opinions, office politics etc, it just all feels less important.

I have 3 under 7. The first few years, I won't lie, were utter hell BUT that was because I had a nightmare first born. That little nightmare is now a funny, intelligent, empathic little 6 year old, and I would be nothing as a human without him or my other children. They give my life the meaning no "career" or money or holidays or "quiet life freedom" ever could.

DD1 is 14 months. I'm 29 and DH and I tried for years to get pregnant unsuccessfully and after investigations I was told it was unexplained fertility on my side, and it crushed me. We went for IVF and amazingly fell pregnant after our first go - I had an elective section and hearing her cry while I was on the table made me bawl my own eyes out at how happy I was that she was finally here. Fast forward and we're now expecting DC2 in November - completely naturally! Unplanned and still a total shock to the system, but I can't wait.
Yes, the lack of sleep is hard, and you'll probably find that your own DC choose who they will settle for each night, and you'll also wonder what you used to do with all of your free time, but it's amazing! Best job in the world 😊

Thanks everyone.

It’s so nice to hear the stories - hard bits and brilliant bits and all.

I teach Early Years. My first nephew was born when I was 5 and I have 8 nieces and nephews who are all adults now, I was helping look after them and babysitting since being a child myself - I’ve now got 8 little great nieces and nephews and have spent loads of time babysitting, doing holiday childcare, having them stay with me for weekends and so on. I never thought it would totally prepare me for having my own but figured I at least had the basics down, but I think I’m realising I’m still clueless really 😂 At the same time I’m so looking forward to doing all the lovely things I’ve enjoyed with all the children I’ve cared for but this time with my child. DH is amazing with my little nieces and nephews he plays all kinds of mad games of their own devising with them and makes up stories about the dinosaur that lives at the bottom of the garden or the fairies in the woods and they hang on his every word - I can’t wait to see him get to be a dad and enjoy those things with his own child too.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! ❤️

For me, I struggled my entire life finding a purpose until I became a mother. Until that point, I had no idea who I wanted to be or where I wanted to go. Having my first child truly settled me. Pregnancy was truly amazing to me, both times. That my body can achieve so much magic without me having to do much at all. You hear such horror stories about everything all of the time which is such a sad, sad shame. I remember the feeling of giving birth of my son, when the midwife held him up into the light and said “It’s a boy”. We cried. She placed him on my chest and my only words were “Oh. THERE you are”. I had been waiting for him my entire life.

The love you feel for your child ... it’s beyond anything I have ever experienced. It is so pure, so raw, so beautiful. That my body has created this beautiful person, who was made from my flesh and attached, literally, to my body. People can say kids are annoying at times all day long to me, it goes in through one ear and out the other. Find me a single person you love who has never upset or annoyed you. It’s nothing, that’s not what you focus on. There will be good moments and bad moments, but what you will truly care about is the time you spend together and how much you adore your person.

As for child birth, breastfeeding/formula feeding, who your kid looks like the most (yes, it’s THE most boring conversation in the entire world) ... who really cares at the end of the day. No one ever asks when your kid was potty trained when they are 17, except for anxious new mothers feeling like they’ve done everything wrong. Just smile and say “We will get there when he/she is ready. How was your day?”. Trust me. I made the mistake of thinking people truly care. They don’t, they’re trying to take an interest in your life. They’re trying to show they care, but they don’t realise how much it makes you worry about your parenting. Just do YOU. We are all trying our best, with everything in life. We are all on our own journeys.
What I TRULY wish I’d known about parenting? How I am EVER going to live without them. ❤️

I miss being able to relax and do what I want when I want, but that’s it.

DD (3) is the light of my life. She is just such a wonderful little human and my (our) proudest achievement. I can’t quite believe this bright, curious, funny, beautiful little person is my child. I have just loved watching her grow and develop, and I feel like I love each stage more. My favourite thing at the moment is watching her interact with friends. It’s magic! I feel excited about what’s to come in the near future for her (school, more friends, hobbies etc), as well as watching her grow into an adult.

I bf for a bit but it was knackering so I stopped, and we were really happy with that. With formula and a routine DD slept like a dream. When she was a few months old I was getting more rest than I had pre baby! I used to nap in the day with her sometimes which was bliss.

I’m expecting number 2 in August and a bit nervous as I have loved being a mum to DD so much, I can’t imagine loving another like this.

Of course when it's your own children, you will also have more of the moments when they don't want to share whatever you try to share with them. My youngest hated being told things, so all the lovely moments we'd had with his sister in museums and art galleries fell by the wayside as far as he was concerned. My eldest turned out to have a medical condition which meant she couldn't really tolerate cold very well- so my dreams of camping and walking holidays had to be modified. But there was always something we could enjoy- and then as they got older, things they could introduce us to. Our world has got immensely richer and more interesting from everything they have taught us.

Having children is the best thing you will ever experience.. yes some days I want to return him for a refund and run miles away.. but then he'll toddle over and ask for a hug and instantly all the stress/ and frustration just vanishes and you feel overwhelming love for them. Even in the middle of his naughtiest craziest moments he'll do something sweet and innocent to melt me and those moments make everything worthwhile. There are far far more good times than bad.. and nothing will ever come close to watching your very own little person grow and develop their own little character.
I failed at breastfeeding and it ruined my first few weeks, I was desperate to feed him myself and it took over my life.. I was more bothered about breastfeeding than anything else.. you will find your way of doing things and if your baby is fed, loved and clean then you're doing an amazing job no matter how you do it.
You will miss sitting on a sun lounger without a single care in the world.. but you won't want it over running round playing with your child.. you can miss your old life whilst loving your new one!!
I struggled with infertility and took me a long long tome to get my baby.. I think these feelings of 'regret' are perfectly normal but rarely talked about.. you spend so long protecting yourself from disappointment that it becomes automatic.. a part of you probably still doesn't yet believe that you will be a mother so them feelings are your way of making it ok if something goes wrong.. because when you've struggled so much we always think the worse will happen. I never believed I'd be a mother until I physically held him in my arms and I had all the same feelings you did while I was pregnant. I don't have a single regret.
You will love being a mother.

Me!! I have a 2.5yo and 5mo sons. I adore them and love being a mum. It is hard. And yes, nothing can prepare you for it, it's like being steamrolled at the beginning but I wouldn't change a thing. I'd give my job up in a heartbeat to be a stay at home mum. My 2.5yo drives me insane, but he's so funny and clever. Today I took him to a secret troll bridge (a run down wooden bridge over a crap stream near me) and he said 'it's OK mummy, I'm here, your safe' because he thought I was scared. He's a wonderful little person. He makes me laugh twenty times a day.. My littlest smiles at EVERYTHING which on the darkest shittiest days makes my heart swell. He ADORES his older brother and follows him with his eyes everywhere and cries when I don't put him on the floor to play
They are my whole world. You will be fine OP, ignore the negative posts.

I love being a parent and have so far enjoyed all of the different stages. Of course there are the days where you feel worn out and want a bit of peace and that can’t happen but it all passes and as they grow they get more independent. For example, at first you have to do everything for them but then soon enough, they can get their own shoes on or climb into the car themselves, then they can get their own breakfast and wander downstairs and put cartoons on for themselves so you can have a bit of a lie in at the weekends.
Secondly, you can make it easier and more enjoyable for yourself and the best way to do that is to DO IT YOUR WAY. I can’t stress that enough. As soon as you are able to relax about the fact that for you actually co-sleeping means you all get more sleep, or rocking your baby to sleep every night works the best or you don’t fancy the idea of controlled crying. Whatever it may be that works for you or what you are happy to do, do that and totally ignore any stress or pressure from anywhere else to do things differently. That’s when the stress comes in, when you try to do something you’ve been told is best or worked for someone else but you don’t feel happy about it. It was a revelation when I worked that out and since then I have been able to enjoy all of my 4 DC because I just did what came naturally and didn’t care that other people thought my methods wouldn’t work for their house. In my years I have co-slept with all 4, breastfed to sleep, sometimes driven in a car to get them to sleep, let them sleep on me for naps, all things you get told not to do and that it will cause you a rod for your own back but I can assure you that every one of them now sleeps in their own bed, sleeps all night and can get themselves of to sleep no problem so even if they didn’t do that at 3 months old or whatever, it doesn’t mean they won’t at some point.

It’s natural to be apprehensive about the changes heading your way but the vast majority of them are positive and brilliant and if you are ready to accept this next stage of your life then there’s no need to mourn for the past.