Grieving over breastfeeding

[SunriseSunrise]

Have been trying for 2 weeks now and have been told I just don't have the supply. Pumping gets nothing, hand expressing a couple of drops - baby lost way too much weight so is on formula but will still latch on and try the breast. I've tried power pumping, massage, compressions. My baby was screaming and distressed although latch was fine, just hardly anything coming out. Is ravenous for bottles and so content afterwards.

My mental health is at rock bottom - I am crying constantly because I wanted to feed so badly and I just can't make what he needs.

DH is very worried and he and my midwife have said I should probably just move forward with formula for my mental health as it's making me ill but I just can't let go of how much I wanted to feed and to give baby the best start and have that bond and special connection.

But I'm so devastated to lose this and just worry that I'm harming my baby by bottle feeding. I love my baby so much and I so wanted to do this.
I have been miserable since just after the birth because of this and it's so hard with no family support etc at the moment.

Has anyone been through similar or got any advice? I feel like I've cried for two weeks non stop.

I'm so sorry your feeling this way. However formula is an amazing thing. Ot really is, there is no shame in making sure your baby is fed. Fed is best, 100% is. Go easy on yourself your hormones are still all over the place and you've had a tough time.

Personally, I'd follow your midwifes advice and switch to formula, give yourself time to recharge and become fitter.

Your doing a fab job don't forget that.

For what it's worth, my bond with my baby improved a million times once I switched to FF. I loved being able to feed him easily and without stress and just be able to stare into his eyes rather than be in pain / worry about the latch / supply issues etc. I know it's not an easier decision but the positives for my mental health and for DS' happiness won out for me. I was starting to resent every time he cried or woke up because I knew the stress was just about the begin again. You're doing a great job, whatever you do.

Didn’t want to read and run.... but not really sure I have any good advice. What I would say is that it sounds like you’ve tried bloody hard and it’s still not working. However, your baby has had the best start as you have fed them so they will have had some breast milk. I would either move completely on to formula - you’ll still bond with the baby feeding this way, enjoy the time with your newborn and don’t worry about breastfeeding or you could persist with breastfeeding but I’m not entirely sure how to go about that. Perhaps, spend a day in bed with just you and baby plenty of drinks and snacks and no bottles. I’m not an expert though so get advice if this is the way you’d like to go. I’d also phone a breastfeeding helpline and ask them for advice too. Good Luck x

It’s the hardest thing when you don’t have supply. I didn’t but did combo feed for a year. I would say this, although good for baby it took so much time and energy it actually made life harder for that year, with hindsight I should have switched to bottle feeding and we would had a much better time for it! Don’t beat yourself up, it will mess with your mental health. I am sure someone with the words very few people don’t have supply issues will be along soon which frankly doesn’t help but does make you think the worst. Formula is actually pretty darn good.

I understand OP. It's a devastating feeling.

And it isn't helped by people saying "Have you tried this? Have you tried this?"
At a certain point you need to recognize that yes you have tried and it is time to stop. It is really really difficult to do. That happened to me and all I wanted to do was scream "Yes, I have tried. I have tried until I was blue in the face and bleeding from the tits!".

If your midwife is telling you formula is the way forward, then I think you should try and do that.

I was more able to accept using formula when it was pointed out to me that my insistence that we not use it and that I push forward with something that was not working was stopping me from enjoying my time with my baby.
You have not failed, you tried and that is all people can ask of you. It will get easier. Just take it one step at a time.

I can’t express a drop but have BF my baby. What you can get out is no indicator of supply.

Why do you think there is no supply? Is milk coming out when baby feeds?
It is more likely an issue with latch and how baby is feeding.

You can get better help if it’s important to you to keep trying (but also nothing wrong with FF either).

Thanks, I did speak to a bf specialist who advised the power pumping, compressions etc but there doesn't seem to be much of anything there and it's taking over every moment of every day. I just feel broken hearted over it

Formula isn't poison, it has all the nutrients your baby will need. In fact, breastfed babies are encouraged to have vitamin drops when weaning starts but formula babies do not need them (because their milk contains those vitamins already). Before you know it, your child will be running around and asking for chocolate biscuits all day. Breastfeeding is empowering but so is formula feeding because you have been given the choice.

Hello. You are not failing or harming your child by formula feeding. Your job right now is to feed them, however that may be. Lots of people can’t breastfeed for a wide variety of reasons and there comes a point you just have to accept it’s not working and move on to the next option. I’m a child of the 70s and my mum told me how breastfeeding was just not done then and it was bottles all the way and me and the rest of my siblings are just fine!

Equally, it’s ok to feel sad that you can’t do it. But you need to accept that and move on. Parenting is full of hope/expectation vs reality situations and you sometimes need to accept that what you hoped would happen sometimes just doesn’t and it’s nobody’s fault. Mine are teenagers now and I still occasionally have moments of it as we encounter new situations.

Be very kind to yourself, you’re not a failure, you are a total success for realising it’s not working and taking another approach. That’s good parenting in a nutshell.

I would definitely recommend trying to exhaust every avenue for BF support before you stop as it's clearly something you really want to do, and I get that.

I did that, and I was able to feed and my baby was gaining great, but breastfeeding was extremely painful for me. I struggled on, started mix feeding at 6 weeks gradually increasing the bottles and by 10 weeks DD would no longer take the breast anyway so that was that. I pumped a bit for the next two weeks just to gradually reduce supply so I didn't get uncomfortable and she had those last bits too. I was v upset and cried a lot BUT I agree like PP that my bond with my baby started to improve the more I bottle fed her and much more so since I had stopped BF and pumping. Spending hours and hours and hours of every day in agony essentially caused by feeding your baby does not so wonders for your bond! I hated it and would often cry when I fed her, I would be anxious when she was napping as I would dread her waking up for a feed. If you have to move to formula, your baby will be just fine and it may be that you will feel much happier without all this stress and become better able to bond with and enjoy your baby. I would wager a more engaged and responsive mother is a bigger factor for a baby's development than whether they are BF or FF and I certainly was a more engaged and responsive mother when I was formula feeding.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby! Firstly, your body is amazing, and it hasn’t let you down. You just made an amazing little human and brought him into the world safely! That’s incredible, don’t forget that! And you love him so much you’re putting yourself through all this misery just trying to do what you feel is best for him. What a wonderful thing for him, to have such a loving mother.

I totally understand why you’re so keen to breastfeed, especially in terms of bonding and closeness. However, your baby needs to be fed, and you are providing that with formula. He is getting everything he needs to develop and thrive from the formula, you are not harming him. You are nourishing him. You’re not letting him lose weight or scream with hunger because you know that’s not right for him. You’re putting his needs first - before your desire to breastfeed. You’re doing the best thing for him.

If trying to breastfeed is causing you distress, then you can really just stop. It might feel like you need permission to stop. You can give yourself that permission. You can decide that you tried, and it didn’t work out. That doesn’t make your baby any less loved, and won’t make you any less bonded with him.

Instead of spending time trying to express and feeling down about breastfeeding, you could spend that time doing skin to skin, having a bath with him, looking lovingly into his eyes, holding him close. You can make sure you’re doing responsive bottle feeding, that helps you to mimic all the emotional benefits of breastfeeding. That will help you to bond and him to feel comforted and secure far more than you being distressed over feeding.

You are doing an amazing job. Do whatever means you get to enjoy the time you have with him when he’s so little. Take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Have you looked into a supplemental nursing system? If your baby is latching well then you could use some formula while still feeding and getting all the benefits from the breast (and increasing milk production). I used one with my first and it saved our breastfeeding relationship. The hospital I had my baby at gave it to me but you can buy them online.

but I just can't let go of how much I wanted to feed and to give baby the best start and have that bond and special connection

Relaxing over whatever method of feeding you use, and your general happiness and well-being being good will achieve that bond and connection. You don't need to breastfeed to form it.

Formula feeding is perfectly fine. I couldn't feed due to medication. It hasn't affected our bond, quite the opposite in fact. I was able to share the feeding with my husband and it made me a far more relaxed and rested mum than if I'd have been spending all night and day struggling to breastfeed.

My son is perfectly healthy. At 18m old now, how he was fed is irrelevant. He doesn't have formula or bottles any more. You can look at him and the rest of our antenatal group and you can't even tell who was and wasn't breastfed. Anecdotally, he's had significantly fewer infectious illnesses than his little mates (despite going to nursery)

The best thing you can do for your baby is relax and do what's best for you all as a family. That might not be what the textbooks say.

I know exactly how you feel because I felt the same. I managed for two weeks and had to give up. I even paid 500quid privately to have his tongue tie sorted to give up the day after. I felt like the worst person in the world and couldbt believe I put my two week old baby through that to give up the day after. I had the supply I just struggled to stop suffocating him with my boobs. I have rather large nipples which would cover his nose so if I pulled the skin away it would come out of his mouth. I had the breastfeeding team round all the time. My husband was in tears watching me in tears watching baby in tears. I expressed for a while next to my husband who fed him via bottle. Once husband returned to work it wasnt possible to continue because my milk supply was up at feeding time but I couldnt express because I was feeding him. My favourite photo of him is of him latching on. Cant look at it yet as when I do it makes my whole body ache. Cant explain it.

Now I regret beating myself up so much because I spent more time stressing about breast feeding instead of enjoying my baby.

He is now 14 weeks and weighs 7.2kg and is thriving.

I still think about it quite often but dont get upset. Now I regret giving up especially in lockdown as I would have had more time to really try to establish so really I cant win

I really hope your okay @SunriseSunrise

You are allowing this to take over your life. This should be a very happy time and you need to stop putting this pressure on yourself. Formula feeding is not a big deal. Of course your baby is content after a bottle, he's had a good feed and feels full and happy. You are not harming your child by formula feeding, lots of children are FF and are absolutely fine.

OP I get how complicated this can be, I think people fall into two camps - want to give BF a go but don't mind switching, and people who have an inner 'need' to BF their child and regardless of how good they think formula is they will still be bereft if they don't BF. It's not a feeling that can be controlled, and neither is it a judgement of what other people do.

I don't know what to say as in the end bf came 'right' for us, but I was on a cliff of a deep deep grief about not being able to do it, and it wasn't because I was pressuring myself, or I thought it was better than formula or anything like this, it was like a deep primal urge (again not something that would make me better than anyone else) and the thought of not BF was awful for me.

Whatever you decide, and if you like attempting the BF it is ok to put your baby to the breast first and then give fomula at the end, there will be a way through the grief, not being able to BF if it was important to you is a loss, be kind to yourself.

From what you hear on sites like this, you would think breastmilk flowed straight from the river of the gods and created some kind of psychic otherworldly connection between mother and baby.

Dont get me wrong, it is a good think to do - cheap, environmentally friendly, healthy etc.

But honestly, in my experience (and that of many others) your bond with your baby isnt strengthened by breastfeeding, but by enjoying your baby, and your baby feeling loved and enjoyed.

The health difference between and bottle fed and breast fed baby are so tiny, you can only see it at a national level. Walking down the road, could you tell who was breastfed and who wasnt?

Please dont beat yourself up. Within a year, nobody will even ask how they're fed and it wont enter your mind. You will be too busy pureeing food, helping baby to toddle and teaching them to say 'mama'.

Parenting is a lifelong commitment involving thousands of 'good' things you can do for your child. Breastfeeding is just one of them, and a very temporary one at that.

Enjoy your babba

Hey OP. I’m not a parent so I can’t empathise with your emotions but I can talk about some practical experience. My sister couldn’t breastfeed her child so my niece was solely FF. She’s at nursery now and the staff there are blown away by her advanced social skills and verbal ability, they thought she was older than she is for a while. She and my sister are very, very close - their bond isn’t an issue. She also has a beautiful relationship with her dad. They’re a super happy family. I’ve brought this up because you seem concerned about the effects FF could have on your baby.

If you do want to continue trying to breastfeed - and there's nothing wrong with saying "enough is enough" and stopping - you could try lactation cookies and/or nursing tea.

I had a difficult, slow start with breastfeeding and found them very helpful boosting my supply. I went for Boobix cookies and Neuners tea but there will be others out there too.

Also baby being ravenous for a bottle doesn't necessarily mean they haven't had enough from the breast. Similarly, not all women produce milk when pumping but it isn't always an indicator of low supply.

Kellymom is a really fantastic resource for all things breastfeeding, well worth a look.

Obviously BF is the ideal thing BUT if it comes down to a stressed mum with a limited supply and possible MH issues caused by not being able to BF vs a happy mum and well (formula) fed baby there really is no contest.
I didn’t even try to BF, I just didn’t want to. I bonded with both babies and (mostly) enjoyed them. They are both very happy and healthy teenagers now.
Thankfully there hasn’t been any of it on this thread yet but I hope that the “bottle feeding your baby is poisoning them” brigade read posts like this and realise the harm they can do.

I would second trying a supplemental nursing system if That's what you want.

I couldn’t breast feed my first dc, once I accepted that the bottle was ok things improved hugely. I felt less stressed, baby was calmer and my DH could help out which was wonderful. It might feel awful now but you seem to have really tried and if it is not working then try a bottle, honestly as others have said it is no failure and you will still bond.

To say you're harming your baby by bottle feeding is kind of insulting.

FWIW, I was in the same situation as you. My baby lost a lot of weight, my mental health was in tatters. The difficulties over breast feeding were effecting my relationship with my son. When I switched to formula things got 100 times better as I was able to satisfy him and give him what he needs. I took the view it would have been selfish of me to try to continue as it clearly wasnt giving him what he needs. I was trying deaperately to breast feed for me, not for him.

I can also share feeds. I dont want to be the only one who can feed him nor should I be; its nice for his Dad to be part of it. From someone who has been through struggles with breast feeding and stopped, please understand that it isnt the only way to bond with your son. Its not the be all and end all.

Also, second what pp said about formula. It is amazing. My son has been on it for 2 months (hes 10 weeks old). Hes asleep now, but before he dozed off I was pulling silly faces at him and he giggled and laughed. Its lovely.

You'll get lots of people who'll say 'it's getting you down so use formula, it's not the end of the world' and that's true, but if you want to breastfeed then it's worth getting proper support. In my experience, health visitors and those who formula feed are quick to say if it's not working then go to formula.

There's some brilliant lactation consultants on Facebook who are sharing advice for free during lockdown. They're clear that their view is about providing mums with information and support to do what the mum wants to do. La Leche League is also a great source of advice and support.

We supplemented for a period to start with and now DC is exclusively breastfed. It was needed whilst we got over some issues with feeding but I'm really glad we stuck to our guns and got proper support and advice. If you want to PM me then I'm happy to chat.