Grieving over breastfeeding

[SunriseSunrise]

Have been trying for 2 weeks now and have been told I just don't have the supply. Pumping gets nothing, hand expressing a couple of drops - baby lost way too much weight so is on formula but will still latch on and try the breast. I've tried power pumping, massage, compressions. My baby was screaming and distressed although latch was fine, just hardly anything coming out. Is ravenous for bottles and so content afterwards.

My mental health is at rock bottom - I am crying constantly because I wanted to feed so badly and I just can't make what he needs.

DH is very worried and he and my midwife have said I should probably just move forward with formula for my mental health as it's making me ill but I just can't let go of how much I wanted to feed and to give baby the best start and have that bond and special connection.

But I'm so devastated to lose this and just worry that I'm harming my baby by bottle feeding. I love my baby so much and I so wanted to do this.
I have been miserable since just after the birth because of this and it's so hard with no family support etc at the moment.

Has anyone been through similar or got any advice? I feel like I've cried for two weeks non stop.

I agree with @Mumoblue and this And it isn't helped by people saying "Have you tried this? Have you tried this?"

I’ll also add my 2 cents worth.

Firstly I just wanted to say congratulations on the birth of your baby.

Secondly I really think you need to listen to your midwife who knows and has seen you and not a load of randoms on the internet asking if you’ve tried various different things. I think the “have you tried xyz?” type advice you’re being given is only going to make you question whether you’ve tried hard enough, whether you’re giving up too easily and is going to worsen the guilt you already have over not being able to breast feed- none of which is going to help your mental health.

I know people on here are well intentioned, but if you’ve been told by a professional you don’t have the supply that’s the advice you need to follow and not the advice of half the posters on here. You absolutely will not harm your baby by formula feeding. The most important thing here is that your baby is fed, that’s far important than how they’re fed. The small amount of breast milk you have managed to express will be beneficial to your baby so it’s great that you have managed to do that.

Bottle feeding really will not affect the bond you develop with your baby. What will affect the bond with your baby and I mean this really gently is your mental health being at rock bottom and not being able to enjoy your baby due to your guilt over not being able to breast feed.

I really think as hard as it is, it’s time to say “enough is enough”, you’ve tried more than hard enough to breast feed and I honestly think now is the time to stop. That doesn’t of course mean you can’t be upset and disappointed that you’ve been unable to continue with it, but I really think you should ignore all the well intentioned advice on here suggesting you continue. I know it’s not easy, I’ve been there.

I'm sat reading these replies and crying because of all the lovely people in the world who care about someone's problem they don't even know!

Thank you all for your advice. I'm lying with my gorgeous baby on my chest and really having a think about what to do - I looked into supplemental nursing but they have very mixed reviews and couldn't get one delivered till late next week anyway.
I just so treasure the closeness of when they are latched on but I suppose that can come from skin to skin etc.

I think it's all compounded by the fact that I didn't get anything like the birth I dreamed of, it ended up being a really stressful and medical experience after a very hard pregnancy with lots of scares and then this whole lockdown thing has just added to it. I dreamed of breastfeeding.

But at the end of the day I have a child that I have longed for for years and just needs fed. DH got emotional earlier and said he was scared for me and so upset that I was spending this time miserable and that shocked me a bit. I don't want to be miserable when I have all I've ever wanted!

Exactly OP, treasure the things you do have! I promise that you have so many lovely moments coming for you regardless of breast feeding

OP, if I may also say this very gently (because I've been there!)

It takes quite a while for your hormones to settle after having a baby, and anything related to them can make you very emotional. Please give yourself a couple of weeks to let things settle down, cry if you need to, watch funny box sets and have hubby bring you lots of tea and biscuits.

I think pregnancy, birth and feeding used to be just something you 'did' in order to have a child and a family.

Now it has been turned into a huge market, an 'experience' which is wholly unrealistic and implies your worth as a mother is invested in having this 'experience' and joining the exclusive group who were lucky enough to have it all very smoothly.

Its baloney. Motherhood is about making sacrifices for your babies, you have already done that by putting what your baby needs before your own wants. So you are an excellent mother already

Is your child gaining weight? Do they have enough wet nappies to suggest they're well hydrated? Breast pumps aren't always the best indicator of how much milk you have. If your answer to the above is no then fgs put your own need to BF on the back it we and feed that child formula milk. A fed baby is what matters. Sorry you're going through PND- I've been through it twice so know what a bastard it is- but stop making things any more difficult than they need to be.

BF on the back burner*

Ps. Apologies if I've come across harsh, I didn't mean to be but come on, you've got a beautiful baby, a fantastically supportive husband and lots of time to learn at becoming a family together. Enjoy the good times and let the crappy bits wash away. Life is too short.

I just wanted to say that I’ve been in the same position as you. Stressful pregnancy, traumatic birth and then struggled to feed to my DD for 2 weeks before switching to formula. I beat myself up about it for months and looking back I’m so annoyed I let my misplaced guilt about not breastfeeding ruin the first few months. DD is now 4 and is happy, healthy and we are very close. DS came along last year and breastfed no problem. I think it was only after I had my son I realised I hadn’t done anything wrong first time, breastfeeding just wasn’t right for my daughter.

The best advice anyone ever gave me was this- as a parent you nourish a child in a thousand ways how you feed them is only one.

Whatever you decide to do about feeding just enjoy your baby. Congratulation.

I have been in exactly the same position, right down to crap pregnancy and traumatic birth ending in EMCS.

Midwives in hospital were actually the first ones to give my baby formula, after she cried for hours and hours of me trying to breastfeed her. I kept trying for two or three weeks after she was born but my poor baby wasn't getting enough food and lost too much weight. I was in pain from feeding too (despite tonnes of help and a very well renowned lactation consultant visit) and starting to hate it.

I felt like formula was poison too - I couldn't even give her any myself but every time we did, that would be the only time she seemed to feed properly and fill herself up and be content.

Giving up and switching to formula was the best thing I've done for her so far! Overnight she turned into a much happier baby because she was actually full. She started gaining weight. She's now 15 weeks and is thriving on formula! It's massively improved our bond, because I'm not forcing either of us to go through the ordeal of breastfeeding. Im going to have her whole childhood to give her the best possible nutrition too, it's not all about breastfeeding.

Also my midwife told me that when it's going well, breastfeeding is good for postnatal mental health but when it's going badly it can be very damaging.

Who was the bf expert you spoke to? I had a lot of negative experiences when beginning bf because of misinformation from midwives and 'experts'. Laleche league, breastfeeding network or if you can go private with an IBCLC, even find some information online. Pumping isn't an indicator of supply, some can't pump at all and feed baby very successfully. Latching baby as often as possible is the best way to up your supply. Make sure you're eating and drinking enough, it's such an easy thing to miss in the early days as you don't always think about food and water yourself particularly if you're so stressed. Do you know about cluster feeding? That wasn't discussed once throughout my pregnancy or after from any of the hcp, if you aren't aware that could feel like they're not getting enough. They really can be on you 24/7 in the early days. The real indicator of a healthy supply is they are having enough wet and dirty nappies as well as steady weight gain.
Of course nobody thinks formula is poison, that's not the only reason someone might choose to bf. Claims women feel like they need permission to change their feeding method is quite insulting.
Bf is totally natural but not always straightforward unfortunately. It doesn't mean you have to give up AS LONG as baby is thriving. I didn't see you explain why you think you're having problems?
A difficult and medicalised birth could also be reasons for bf not going smoothly initially, stress can be a factor too.
Even medications which state on pack 'safe for use when bf' such as some antihistamines can dry up your supply so check medications carefully. I found this out the hard way and had a few hours one night i had to keep latching him until the supply returned after taking one antihistamine. However if you need the medication that needs to be priority.
If you have chosen to bf and it's important to you then getting the right support is crucial. Its not as supportive as some might think to tell a mum who desperately wants to bf well formula is just as good. Imagine the outrage if a baby wasn't thriving on formula and mum was told well you should have bf. And at this point we don't even know if baby is affected negatively! Hopefully everything works out for you. Congratulations on your new baby.

Sorry went back and seen that baby had lost more weight than expected (sleep deprivation has a lot to answer for!) Has baby been assessed for things like tongue tie to ensure they are able to transfer milk from breast efficiently? Women not producing enough milk with no reason isn't the common thing we are led to believe. I don't have the research to hand but there's a lot of info out there showing that. If baby is still happy to latch as well as bottles it might be worth trying nipple shields which are often more bottle like than nipple like. I used medela ones temporarily due to shallow latch and nipple injury and they made a huge difference for him. They're a little messier than feeding direct but can help little ones at the beginning. Good luck!

Stop! Drop! Give the bottle and look after your mental health.

You've done a great job and no one will ever ever question how your baby is or was fed in 12 months time.

If it was relevant the Daily Mail would include it in their articles as another way to be mean about people.

I could have written your post 2 years ago OP. I tried everything to get my supply up to meet my sons needs but no amount of latching pumping and skin to skin would increase it. Like you I agonized and beat myself up over giving up and moving onto formula. In my experience it proved the right decision to FF and I have absolutely no regrets or guilt. I'm not suggesting that's what you do, its entirely your choice I'm just saying if you do move to Formula dont feel guilty about it, you do what's right for you and your baby.
I've think you've had some great advice already so the only thing I want to add is moving on to formula doesnt mean you cant still put the baby to your breast if you want. Once I'd decided to FF I would give my son his bottle then when he was full and content I'd latch him on to my breast to get what little amount was there (probably none at this point) and just sit with him close to me whilst he slept. No screaming from him and no stress about feeding him from me just mother and child together.
Good luck whatever you decide x

I had a crap pregnancy and difficult birth which ended in an EMCS. Then had an infection (as did baby) and trying to breastfeed was a nightmare. My milk never 'came in' properly as I think my body was too shocked and trying to mend itself.

Midwives recommended I do combination feeding. I really wanted to breastfeed and was a bit shocked at how hard it was (despite having been to an nhs class on it) given what a natural thing it's meant to be. Kept persevering and by week 2/3 was thinking I was getting the hang of it (so had upped the breast feeding and decreased the formula) so was surprised and sad when I took my daughter to be weighed and they said she had lost a huge amount of weight. I felt like such a failure. I kept trying for a few more weeks (rented a pump, tried a weird cookie recipe that was meant to help with supply, basically anything and everything the feeding specialist suggested) but it was utterly exhausting and made the first few weeks so, so hard. I kept thinking if my daughter got an illness later in life it would be my fault because I hadn't breastfed.

When I decided I couldn't carry on with it as it was making me so unhappy and anxious it was like the most enormous weight had been lifted. I did feel guilty for maybe a day or two but then I really started to enjoy being a mum for the first time since my daughter was born. I found the routine of the formula and the fact my husband could do some feeds brilliant. (If you do decide to switch to formula I can recommend a perfect prep )

I was so much happier once I made my mind up to switch to formula and my baby seemed happier to - I think because she was finally getting a full tummy at every feed I thought I might feel judged by other new mums at groups when I whipped out a bottle rather than a boob but this honestly never happened once.

If I have another baby I will feel so differently about breastfeeding. Hindsight is an amazing thing. Fed is best. End of.

You have to do what is best for you. Good luck with everything and congratulations on your new baby and managing all of this during a bloody pandemic!

Wow. That was really long, sorry!

OP If the lack of a supplemental feeding system is what’s stopping you giving that a go, I’d suggest asking your midwife or your local LLL branch if they can source one quickly for you - I know my local LLL could (and I mean, within hours).

Until then, drip drop feeding is a no tech option - a good video here www.llli.org/drip-drop-feeding/

I completely understand that drive to breastfeed, almost against logic. I had it, too. Do whatever you need to do and what you think you will regret least.

Honestly formula feeding is fine! Only on mumsnet is it made on to not be but I know it's the facts that you wanted to bf so much that hurts as well. When baby gets older this feeling will pass as you will be moving onto new milestones getting a bit more out of them rather than feeding, sleeping, changing and baby will still love you regardless.
I lasted 3 days of upset and bleeding nipples unless I moved into formula and it was brilliant baby was thriving

Just stop. Please.

You'll look back on these times and wonder why you got so very upset and worried over essentially absolutely nothing.

Your mental health is the priority here.

Bonding can be easily replicated with a bottle by having skin to skin

OP, I could have written your post. It turned out I had insufficient glandular tissue (breasts never developed properly at puberty) and could never have breastfed. It was such a loss to me.

I worried, and still worry, that DC will be disadvantaged as a result. But in reality I remind myself that DC is a better sleeper than any of their breastfed peers; that I was better-rested than my exclusive-BFing friends because DH could share feeding; that DC is healthy and not a fussy eater; that they are 3 with a reading age of 6; etc.

I have felt like you have and I know how awful it is. I knew it wasn’t entirely rational as my baby was fed and healthy and happy but I felt like we’d lost so much and the guilt was overwhelming.

Unfortunately the feeling stayed with me until I had my second baby who I did manage to breastfeed. The problem was I couldn’t get her to stop and at three she was still waking up 10+ times a night and then required a filling because of the night feeds I was too knackered to stop. This totally replaced my formula feeding guilt.

I bonded with both my children equally and they’re both fantastic and loving people, and how I fed them has had no impact.

Let yourself grieve for a while but please be kind to yourself. This stage is really difficult but it does get better.

I think you’ve done amazingly well to carry in. But it’s ok to stop. You have no idea how much I wish someone had said that to me. I struggled on for a whole year and eventually I was suicidal as my baby was so just unhappy and wanting feed all the time. I had no professional help, everyone sees that you’re breastfeeding and tells you to keep at it. It wasn’t as simple as switching to formula for us as dd has allergies and they wouldn’t prescribe the formula she needed. I stopped breastfeeding last month so I could start on anti depressants and honestly I wish I’d had the support to stop sooner. She’s a different baby. Having spent her first year crying pretty much non stop, she’s now genuinely happy, the difference is unbelievable. In me too tbh, I finally feel that I’m enjoying her. Breastfeeding isn’t the be all and end all, though I know how disappointing it must be if you had your heart set on it. You’ve done your very best and that’s something no one can take away. It’s ok to be sad that it hasn’t worked out. But there’s so much more to bonding than breastfeeding. I struggled on and tbh in hindsight I should have fought harder to get formula for her. There were no lovely cuddly feeds with me contentedly gazing into my baby’s face. There were lots of feeds where we both ended up in years and frustrated. Our bottle feeds now are lovely

Being a good mother is so much more than being a good udder.
All other things being equal, if it's a straight up choice between easy no fuss breastfeeding and formula feeding than sure, breastfeeding is probably better.
This is not you. You have low supply and nothing has been easy and no fuss for you. I'm really sorry about that. The difficulty you have trying to feed one particular way is now impacting on other parts of you being a Mum. So feed the other way. It's amazing that we have that option.
It's good to know for yourself that you've tried, but please don't waste these moments of precious, irreplaceable newborn time pumping and struggling and desperately trying to do 'the right thing' instead of lying around with your baby, feeling the weight of them on your chest, feeling the gratitude of having them with you and just being with them.
The relationship you have with your child and the kind of love you give them is so much more important than where their milk came from. Their milk can come from other sources, their love from their Mum only comes from one place. Let that flow. Grieve breastfeeding if you feel you need to, but celebrate your baby being in the world. Don't let anything block out spending quiet and loving time with your new little person. You're a Mum and a really good one.

I'm so sorry about the way you're feeling. I felt the same after the birth of my twins but I think I cried for a day. Go easy on yourself. Formula is not poison. To be honest when I researched the research on breast vs bottle, the evidence is patchy. There is not enough information and thorough research in my opinion.

I have beautiful twins and they haven't had a drop of breastmilk. Maybe I managed to give them some colostrum. They haven't been sick either. And are intelligent kids.

I hope you feel better soon.

I experienced something not dissimilar in my attempts to breastfeed - so desperately wanted to do it, it had barely even occurred to me that I wouldn't for any reason - I thought it was simply a choice on the part of the mother - and, despite many efforts, it didn't work (for reasons that I won't go into here).

Grieving over it is a good description; grief is not an immediate process, it takes time to work through it (and for me it did take some months), but the emotional pain of it does pass.

Although I didn't really feel it at the time, I can now look back and 'give thanks' that we live in a part of the world, and a time period, where we have this amazing alternative in formula, which we can use in a safe way, and babies who are fed on it grow, are healthy and thrive.

Wishing you all the best.

You are not harming your baby by bottle feeding. You are harming your mental health by continuing in the way that you are. Your bond with your baby will be strong no matter how you feed them.

My close friend went through very similar situation to you and was desperate to BF. She was trying everything with expert lactation consultant help, but her baby was fading before her eyes and looking back she feels she missed out on those early weeks as they were so consumed by stress over BFing. So if you switch to FF, grieve if you need to but try to accept it, move on and most importantly enjoy your baby. I have been lucky to EBF three babies but two of them were challenges for different reasons and I was close to giving up with my last one. It isn't easy and seeing my friend suffer so much stays with me. But it may give you hope to know she went on to EBF her second child with no issues. So that experience may still lie ahead of you if you want it.