Grieving over breastfeeding

[SunriseSunrise]

Have been trying for 2 weeks now and have been told I just don't have the supply. Pumping gets nothing, hand expressing a couple of drops - baby lost way too much weight so is on formula but will still latch on and try the breast. I've tried power pumping, massage, compressions. My baby was screaming and distressed although latch was fine, just hardly anything coming out. Is ravenous for bottles and so content afterwards.

My mental health is at rock bottom - I am crying constantly because I wanted to feed so badly and I just can't make what he needs.

DH is very worried and he and my midwife have said I should probably just move forward with formula for my mental health as it's making me ill but I just can't let go of how much I wanted to feed and to give baby the best start and have that bond and special connection.

But I'm so devastated to lose this and just worry that I'm harming my baby by bottle feeding. I love my baby so much and I so wanted to do this.
I have been miserable since just after the birth because of this and it's so hard with no family support etc at the moment.

Has anyone been through similar or got any advice? I feel like I've cried for two weeks non stop.

It's also normal to feel this way and grieve about not being able to breastfeed or things not going to plan. Yes formula is great but it's also a good idea to be able to chat through your feelings about breastfeeding potentially not working out. It really does mean a lot to people, that's normal and should be validated.

I would also say the best thing you can do is call the National Breastfeeding Helpline. They will talk through your feelings, help you come to your own decision on how you want to take things forward. ❤️ 0300 100 0212

Thank you so much again to everyone replying - I think baby might be making the decision for me as seems less patient to try and latch.

The silly thing is I know she doesn't care and actually the bottle feeds are lovely and we stare into each other's eyes rather than both crying as a PP said.

It will definitely be a grieving process if I decide to stop fully - I don't know if keeping it going halfheartedly is part of the problem as my heart hurts a little bit every time we get latched on for a few moments thinking why can't it just be this easy, like the mums on the telly! And I end up sobbing.

*he doesn't care

Yes. It turned out I had hypoplasia which means I had very little glandular tissue. I did everything, medical grade double pump, hours locked away doing skin to skin with baby on the breast, herbal supplements, oats, eating fat more than I needed to even got my gp to prescribe me domperidone which only gave me diarrhoea. I just didn't have the equipment and nobody actually examines your breasts to see if you do. Everyone just presumes all women can. I had to be satisfied with giving her a bottle and then letting her have ten minutes on the one breast that had a little more in the way of milk ducts. Managed like this until she was 4 months at which point she rejected the breast. I grieved as you are doing. Terribly. I had awful pnd. And one breast hanging on my stomach from the amount of pumping it had undergone. Six years on I wonder why I tortured myself. She's a beautiful happy healthy child. No damage done from having formula. I'm pregnant again and won't even be attempting it and will feel no guilt

I bf both of mine, but even I would say don't worry about giving formula. It's perfectly safe and healthy for your baby. You may be suffering from some PND so hopefully the HV will help you with this. It may be worth giving your baby a small amount of formula to reduce the initial hunger, then putting him to the breast once he he more settled. After sucking for a while, switch back to the bottle to finish the feed?

Stress also is a major problem with successful breastfeeding.

@pinktaxi agreed.

I firmly believe that the pressure to bf actually impedes it.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I also wasn't able to breastfeed, I tried everything- public and private resource support for weeks on end, the works. I ended up doing a mix of expressing (which I hated) and then topping up daily with formula. I cried constantly about it during the year and as you describe I very much grieved my inability to have the feeding journey and bond with my son that I'd assumed I would. I don't feel it was ever made clear to me before birth that breastfeeding doesn't work out for some people, I thought it was a choice people made and in my mind "breast was best".
It's OK for you to feel upset and to grieve not having had the option of choosing how you fed your baby. In those early days and months feeding can feel like such a dominating and overwhelming topic, especially when it doesn't go as you'd hoped.

One thing I would say is that my son is now nearly 3 years old, and time has given the ability to be so much kinder to myself about it. I have a child who (most of the time given he's a toddler!) is happy, content and healthy. I don't believe that not breastfeeding has negatively affected his bond with me or his overall health. I was very hard on myself at the time but I know with hindsight (and more sleep, which really does make a world of difference!) that it was all OK, I did all I could, and having to give my child formula didn't make me a bad mum. Try and be kind to yourself OP xx

I have hypoplasia and low supply and used an SNS for 15 months with DS and 7 months with DD ( once she started eating solids I had sufficient supply for her and she’s still breastfeeding at 17 months)

Low supply is very difficult, I think you do need to grieve the loss of exclusive breastfeeding because it is (probably) never going to happen for you and in many ways for me it was a relief to stop trying to make it happen.

The important thing is that your baby has sufficient food and you and he are happy.

For me that was breastfeeding with formula in an SNS
For others it means
Bottle feeding With formula
Bottle feeding with donor milk
With some adding in some of their own pumped milk and with some breastfeeding for comfort and some milk.

Accept you can’t do everything to increase your milk supply and care for and enjoy your baby. Do what works for you and him. I could have pumped to increase supply,
I didn’t, it wasn’t right for us.
For some people the happiest solution might be to

stop direct breastfeeding and use that time for pumping.

The choices aren’t breastfeeding or bottle feeding with formula, there are many ways to feed and love a baby and find out what works for you. You neither need the ‘breastfeeding is vital’ or the ‘just give up, formula isn’t poison’ messages. There is a middle ground.