How to get 6 yo to eat with knife and fork?

[FraterculaArctica]

Mealtimes feel like a constant battle of reminding DS (recently 6) to use his knife and fork rather than his fingers to eat. Is this normal at this age? How would you handle it? We try taking the plate away after a certain number of "chances" to follow our reminders, but it's not making any difference.

Is it just dry food he picks up? How does he eat e.g. chicken nuggets and chips compared with spaghetti Bolognese or curry and rice? I would just keep encouraging him. I think sometimes children find to hard to cut things up so maybe help him with that and encourage use of his fork to start with?

Also don't make this a battle. If he eats well then that is the main thing. Using fingers is fine for loads of foods. I like to use my fingers too for some things.

No, Bolognese as well! (Though he only likes the pasta and leaves the sauce). He's a reasonably good eater, getting better than he was. I just feel that by 6 a child should know that the default is eating a meal with a knife and fork!

I don’t think it’s acceptable either but I wouldn’t take his plate away. Have you tried a sticker chart? Do you need to help him cut up the food first? Perhaps let him have a “special” grown up drink with his meal only if he is grown up and uses his cutlery .

Not normal or acceptable . Do you eat with him, does he have models to copy ? I bc am afraid at 6 mine would have been roundly told off for eating improperly, actually by then it would have been cutlery held correctly as well and one of mine is dyspraxic.

You could try these - www.nrshealthcare.co.uk/eating-drinking-aids/cutlery-aids/kura-care-childrens-cutlery-set?fee=19&fep=613&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI6bzChNve6QIV1-vtCh0lngfCEAQYASABEgKsE_D_BwE

Do you always eat with your child at a table? Model good practice is the best, and say look how I am eating? So that they copy you. Obviously some food can be eaten with fingers or just a fork, but pasta and sauce is not one of them.

You really need to address this now.

I have 2 step children (now 12 & 15) who have appalling table manners (in my opinion). At mums they eat with their hands. I don’t think it’s acceptable to eat for example beans on toast with your hands.

It’s become a constant battle. The default is everything is eaten with hands, if bowls of food are out into the middle of the table (with serving spoons to help yourself) they jurist reach in with their hands to put into their plates or mouths.

It’s become a real problem for me as good for able manners are really important.

Even at 12 - the boy struggles to use a knife and fork and mostly eats his food like a lollipop as he can’t be bothered to cut it up.

My only advice would be to lead by good behaviour and positive reinforcement.

Sadly my own mealtimes with the DSC are now a battle as this hasn’t been addressed by their parents.

Sorry terrible typos in my post! Hope you get the gist!

Can't abide bad table manners, mine were trained from an early age!

at 6 he should be using cutlery, how does he get on at school ?
they wouldnt allow fingers there, i know i didnt , even our reception lot know how to use cutlery even if they need help cutting stuff up

Yes we eat with the DC (also have DD aged 3, with whom we're a bit more lenient about use of cutlery, and DS2 aged 6 months) and model appropriate table manners ourselves.

DS is a child whose behaviour is very unresponsive to incentives or sanctions. If we offered e.g. a special drink he will negotiate endlessly about how many times he has to use the fork to get it (is one time enough?) or if we remind him/take the plate away just screams "I forgot! I forgot!" and won't change his behaviour. We have the same with many other aspects of life (won't go outside because he has to put on suncream; won't get dressed; won't go to the toilet; doesn't want to do schoolwork). Life just feels like an endless screaming battle in so many respects, we are so worried about what he will be like as an older child and teenager, surely these should be basic skills he should be close to mastering by now.

We have the same issue with my 6 year old. Today I said “if you eat one more mouthful with your fingers you won’t get that toy I ordered (which he knows about). Funnily enough he then ate the whole meal with cutlery.

BakedBeeeen we are endlessly threatening consequences of that sort but he just screams "no!" and either tries for about 5 seconds to use the cutlery, or doesn't use it at all. It's like he can't make the connection between the behaviour and the consequence, even when we explain it clearly.

What cutlery are you giving him? Is it maybe too big or two heavy? Maybe let him choose a set he likes online and have it as his special cutlery?

Different children learn at different times. There is no end date on the ability to learn table manners, and being strict about it and using terms like ‘normal’ to imply he or his behaviour is abnormal, or ‘acceptable’ to imply he or his behaviour is unacceptable, is likely to get more pushback. You don’t want the process of eating to become a stressful battleground, this is how issues around food and diet arise for many people, including those who witness this every day. Let him learn at his own pace and he will get there. If this was the biggest issue you had, then congratulations. If not, then why make it the hill you die on?

My DS5 is a bit like this and it's worrying me.

He has special children's cutlery which he chose, his own plate. We eat every meal at the table, I obviously use knife and fork but he always regresses to hands with some dishes.

Things like rice, curry, pasta he does use a fork for thankfully though, and yoghurts, ice cream, custard. But presented with sausage and chips, chicken nuggets and chips , it's back to hands. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I just have to keep reminding him, no fingers please copy mum.

I think you’ve gone too far with it. Him having to shout ‘ I forgot I forgot’ whilst you are taking his plate away sounds awful.

I’d leave him be for a while to try and undo some of the damage you’ve probably caused. Meal times should be the least traumatic times of the day as food issues follow children in to childhood. My mother was a bloody nightmare at the thanked.

‘Don’t hold your fork like that’
‘Close your mouth whilst your eating’
‘Your lips are too tight together whilst your eating’
Stop scrapping your plate with your fork’

My mil was like this with dd2 when she was nearly three. I told her to quit it immediately.

Go buy him a knife and fork set he picks out and let him choose one thing to eat with.

At 6, he really should be using cutlery, assuming he is NT?

Mine liked heavy, chunky cutlery at this age.

My ds is 6 and prefers to use his hands and I don't see it as a big problem. He knows to use cutlery in restaurants, its just his preferred way of eating. We spent a year in Africa last year though and so pretty normal for him, don't forget other cultures use hands and that's fine. Instead of getting annoyed about it why don't you embrace it and use it as a way to learn of other cultures rather than shouting at him for it. Let him try chop sticks, using chapatti to eat etc. Teach him why countries are different in how they eat and therefore why its expected here etc. And why cutlery is useful etc for hygiene. It will be interesting then instead of a battle. Meals should be fun and relaxed and never a battle.

Don’t be so lenient with the 3 year old, because you’ll have the same problem when they are 6!
How about a concerted effort on both of them at the same time? Mine were using knife and fork from as soon as they could hold them, it’s the default in our house

My mum nagged about table manners the second my food left my plate. It seemed normal to me, then I saw her do it to my DC, when I realised how diminishing it is. There's a time and a place for everything - 6 is too young.
So be wary of putting him off his food.
Eating with a knife and fork takes fine motor skills and it's absolutely normal that at 6 those are still developing. I have one DS who still needs to be reminded to use knife and fork at 11. Unsurprisingly he is the one who has least stamina for writing.
So remind him and encourage him to use K&F, kindly, but don't let it turn in to a battle, and don't let him feel that he is 'bad' if he doesn't follow etiquette at 6.
Take it as a hint that he is tired, and that he might need support to build those fine motor skills.

I have one DS who still needs to be reminded to use knife and fork at 11.

Really?!

So if he screams In forgot’ do you bring the food back ? I would not bring it back it will only be a couple of times before he remembers . It sounds harsh and I am considered pretty lenient generally but table manners are non negotiable . Ghastly to sit next to someone as an adult who doesn’t know how to eat .

Less drastically , gentle reminders before the meal is served , no discussion , A reward after

My DS (7) is like this. It was driving me up the wall - but on closer inspection I think it might be a problem with fine motor skills.

He also struggles to do up/undo buttons, hold a pen with the right grip and do other small fiddly tasks with fingers. I have started working on improving finger skills more generally (there are lots of exercises online) and we have seen some improvement with the cutlery.

Like you, I had thought it was a mixture of laziness and temperament - we too had the “I forgot!” and the negotiations - but now I think he genuinely struggled with the physical skill.