How to get 6 yo to eat with knife and fork?

[FraterculaArctica]

Mealtimes feel like a constant battle of reminding DS (recently 6) to use his knife and fork rather than his fingers to eat. Is this normal at this age? How would you handle it? We try taking the plate away after a certain number of "chances" to follow our reminders, but it's not making any difference.

Yes - lack of stamina in writing (as a PP says) was a key sign for us too. DS loves making up stories and loves reading, but he gets physically tired of writing very quickly.

If it's lack of stamina or poor fine motor skills cut his food up and make sure he eats with a fork and/or spoon.

Smaller cutlery and take his meal away if he refuses to use it. Don’t give it back if he screams. He’ll not die from not finishing a meal once or twice. He’ll learn quickly enough.
Not being able to use cutlery properly is a huge social disadvantage.

Do you cut it up for him if he needs help? Does he have child sized cutlery? A knife can be tricky, but he should be using a fork / spoon. That said making mealtimes a battle is never good. Could you enjoy a meal with someone constantly criticising or snatching your plate away?? I’d probably opt for plenty of praise when he (or the 3 year old) does it correctly, and only very gentle correction if not. I’d also watch if he struggles with other fine motor skills (writing, shoe laces, etc).

I'm fairly strict but a bit 😲 at the posters saying don't give his food back to him! You are going to cause a nervous anxious child at dinner times if he thinks his food is going taken taken away surely?

CoachBombay it’s fucking awful.

Repetitive reminders low key fork fork fork everytime he puts it down
My 7 year old is not nt so is still still using his fingers according to the school he uses cutlery there his friends say he doesnt I'm inclined to believe them they remind him and nag him into using cutlery there

Some replies here are tough, we have the same issue with my almost 5 year old and 3 and half year old I kind if think baby led weaning sort of plays a part and we generally eat quite a lot of buffet style meals rather than spaghetti bolognese etc but I just keep reminding them and showing them how I cut food (I use knife and fork in the wrong hands but I don't see a problem with that and don't get how so many people are so obsessed with that) both are great with motor skills can hold pencils correctly fab at transformers type toys,can thread beads so I think it's just practice and gentle reminders I wouldn't worry!

@CherryPavlova that's awful! A child who eats a healthy diet is much more important than if they use a knife and fork correctly!

We rarely use cutlery, but thats cultural.

Could you do games with cutlery? E.g who can pick up the most balls of playdough etc to continue to improve his cutlery skills. As his skills get better he may feel more inclined to us cutlery, but it also brings a positive message to cutlery as well.

Why are you being lenient with the 3 year old? Is it only quite recently you started expecting him to use cutlery?

It could just be a very ingrained habit if you have only started enforcing it now.

I remind my 2.5 year old to use cutlery a lot but I would expect to at that age. I do have to remind my 6 year old often to cut food into smaller pieces rather than just stick a fork in it, hold it up and bite bits off.

Are you sure he is physically able to hold and use cutlery? How is he with other fine motor skills, how is his handwriting?

DS does this - it’s part of his ADHD. He does use cutlery, but for certain foods he can’t help but touch them. It also means he’s quite adventurous when trying recipes you eat with your hands eg tacos.

A six year old is perfectly capable of making choices about conforming and doing as they are asked or going without.
The more attention the worse it gets. Fussy eating comes from fretting about what they eat and letting them get away with blue murder for fear they might be unhappy at a sanction.

Why would you teach any skill with anything other than kindness?
I cannot understand taking his food away - that's just cruel and controlling. He's struggling to master this skill, he needs help and encouragement. Meal times are supposed to be enjoyable occasions, not places of conflict.

soda my son also has ADHD I never made the connection before! He also loves a taco, burrito anything hands on food!

The skills would be taught with kindness. Persistence in refusing to do as asked isn’t about the skill. Nobody is suggesting unkindness, unless not allowing children to set the basic rules of a household is unkind.

I am amazed at this thread, why make meal times such a battle for the sake of etiquette it sounds awful to shout at him and take food away like that I definitely think you need to step back from this being an issue Hel never enjoy a family meal like this! My kids love taco night and eating with hands is fine in the right place!

cherry removing a child's food is tantamount to neglect, it's one thing to say "if you don't use a knife and fork properly for your main meal, there will be no afters" but to remove one of their main meals because of it, is depriving them of norishmnent.

You are only making a rod for your back also because in an hour or so time they will be nagging for food or a snack because they are genuinely hungry!

Don’t be daft, CoachBombay. You’ve clearly never seen neglect.

I suggest sticking with food that requires cutlery - for consistency. So no pizza or burritos or trips to McDonalds. Otherwise you are giving mixed messages.

Obviously, the children need to learn that some food (sandwiches, fruit etc) should be eaten without cutlery, but until they have a consistent understanding and demonstrate they are able, they shouldn't get these foods. You can re-introduce these finger foods at a later date.

Wheresthebiffer2

Are you kidding, the child is 6 FFS.

Not being able to use cutlery properly is a huge social disadvantage

He's 6, who do you think he is socialising with who gives a shit about whether he uses a knife and fork.

Op I would pick your battles, try and remind but don't worry too much. If the school haven't mentioned anything he must be eating okay there unless he doesn't have school lunches.

CherryPavlova

Curious to know what qualifications you have that mean you can dole out these pearls of wisdom. What a load of BS. If you want kids to be fussy eaters and anxious the best way to do that is to make a big deal about what and how they eat and punish them by withholding food. You clearly know nothing about disordered eating.

cherry I have witnessed neglect, and I can tell you now, if I knew of a person withholding food from a young child on a regular basis as "punishment" for not using a knife and fork, I'd demand a multi agency safeguarding meeting and a strategy to safeguard the child, I'd also want to know what other "parenting strategies" were being used to enforce social etiquette and good behaviour.

@CoachBombay he has good fine motor skills, just has a very haptic way of learning. Taco, burritos, curry with popadoms and naan bread, pizza, burgers all favourites and a voracious fruit eater.

He holds his pencil awkwardly and cutlery (which he sometimes this gets in the way of eating and enjoying his meal). I would rather champion his adventurous food choices than demand use of cutlery at all times.

CoachBombay who suggested withholding food on a regular basis? Clear misinterpretation. Asking a child old enough to know better, who is misbehaving, to leave the table or have their meal taken away is not ‘withholding food on a regular basis’. I assume they have other meals in a day? It wouldn’t be a regular basis. They learn quickly. They get rewards for positive behaviours.

It’s not refusing them food, it’s about not being afraid to parent.

No fuss either, no great drama but clear consistent boundaries. It works for most behaviours that are unacceptable. In fact, take all emotions out of food. Offer. Set expectations around behaviour. They choose whether to eat or not. No praise for eating but praise for behaviour. No requirement to finish. No alternatives. No punishment around not eating something. Nice chat, gentle support but firm rules around behaviour.

Enough postgraduate qualifications in child health to know what I’m talking about. Lectured in child health with a specialisation in development at a U.K. university for a good while.