How do we ease DD into the idea that DS will be moving into her room soon?

[Crumpetsforthequeen]

DS 9 months is now finally sleeping through the nights and we're planning on moving him into DD7's room as there is no room in our bedroom, we have to climb over the bed in order to get to his cot and it's been a nightmare. Her room is big enough for them both.

We currently live in a small 2 bed house and are planning to move into a 3 bed as soon as one comes avaliable, we're hoping by Christmas at the latest, so it won't be for that long.

We've tried explaining this to her but she's having none of it. I worry that she feels like he will be invading her space, I feel like she already had to share us when he was born (she didn't take very well to him) and now she has to share her space too. DH says I'm over analysing the whole thing and she'll get used to it.

We would keep him in our room but in all honesty it's a health hazard, if anything were to happen it would be more difficult to get to him than if he were in her room if that makes sense.

How do we let her know we aren't trying to force him on her or that we don't care about her and its all about him? (something she's expressed before)

Fact of the matter is its happening whether she likes it or not but we would like to make it as easy for her as possible.

Before anyone says we can't switch rooms either for reasons I'd rather not get into right now.

Thank you all for getting this far, this whole 2 DC thing has been a bit of a shock and not gone how I thought it would lol

Tbh if it's only until Christmas I would suck it up and keep him in your room. I'm not one for pandering to kids and generally say my house my say, but 7 and 9 months isn't a great age gap to be sharing and for the sake of 6 months and not making your DD resent him (as 6 months is a lot longer in a 7 year old's life than an adult's) I would just hang on.

I'm prepared to be flamed for this but if she is as resentful of the baby as you say, are you sure she can be trusted alone with him overnight? Even just poking or pinching him, Young children often don't fully understand the possible consequences of their actions.

Promise her the choice of rooms in the new house (and give her a clear timeline)? I'm sure there must be a very good reason why you can't swap rooms such that you can keep the baby with you, but that might not be clear to your daughter who likely feels maligned by the whole process. If you can explain the situation to her she may feel more involved? Decoration tips are a good idea, and so is making sure she gets more of your time. My eldest (younger than 7) was worried a new baby would mean sharing his room, and said he'd be charging rent. Thankfully for our bank balance, we have enough rooms, but maybe rent could come in the form of special pocket money that can teach her to manage incomes, and the 'tenant's' expectation that she keep the room tidy and safe?

Other commenters who disagree with room sharing: look, I agree in principle, but they can't exactly return the baby?! I don't really get what these comments seek to achieve.

As it's a short period, I'd keep him in with you.

I really think it's quite unfair to put such a young baby into her room at her age. It's different if they are, say, 1yo and 3yo, but this is too big a gap.

What if she wants to read in the morning when she wakes and the light wakes him? What if she has a later night but then has to creep around her room because the baby is asleep? What about when ds goes through leaps or is teething or sick? Her sleep will be massively disturbed.

You need to find a way to keep him with you or find somewhere else in the house to put his cot.

I wouldn't do it. I took from your OP that DD has the biggest room, is that right? If so she can move into the smaller one and you continue to share with baby.

If not I'd leave it as it's probably only going to be until Christmas anyway

The age gap is not great for sharing a room tbh. I'd suck it up and keep him in your room if I were you for both of their sales. He's already 9 months, so you've had this situation for 9 months already. It's only until Xmas as you say.

If it's only until Christmas I'd be tempted to leave the situation as is but on the basis that's not feasible I'd try and give her some control over what's happening.

So as a start I'd talk to her about how the room could be arranged so they have their own spaces.

As pp's have already suggested paint and inexpensive room dividers etc are a good start. I'd also find a way to address the privacy issue of you can.

You are going to want to check in on the baby on an ad hoc basis which means as well as the room being shared it also becomes a space where you and your DH will regularly "invade". So you might want to think about how you position room dividers to give her privacy.

I'd also acknowledge that it's not ideal but it's also temporary and talk about the new bedroom she will have when you move and how she'd like to decorate it.

If I'm honest I'm not usually one to pander to kids in this way but I think having been an only until 7 it's a big adjustment for her.

I'm a only and tbh if my parents had presented me with a sibling at that age I'd have been upset/confused/disoriented by the change.

If its only 6 months I would keep him in with you. Sounds like she already resents her sibling and this is not going to help the bond. Surely her bedtime is later? would she have to stay out her room whike he naps? You say you cant swap, how about putting your mattress and cot mattress on floor so you can get to him easier?

Could either you and DH or the baby sleep in the living room?

As others have said I would either swap rooms so you have more space, or I would keep things as they are as it's only for a little while longer.

I wouldn't put a 9 month old in with a 7 year old.

I would look at swapping the rooms round first.
Any chance the move could be hurried a long a bit?

Or maybe talk with her rather than telling her. It’s her home as well afterall. Who knows she might be ok. She might have a solution.

When it’s come to siblings, major changes etc, I’ve found including them has worked better than telling them. And when it involves things like rooms, they had more say. It’s their space. And after 7 years of sleeping alone to suddenly have this noise on you is a big ask.

They do wake up. The do move, snore, fart etc. They do still occasionally have the 3am stink out nappy. Throw up. Cry because they are teething etc.

Some babies take time to settle in their new rooms.

I was that spoilt princess. Same age gap and it really didn’t work. I would often wake up exhausted. Oh and the night time wake up and babble bit, that was fun. Using the side of the cot to learn how to stand at 1am.

You said that you can’t swap bedrooms but could you re-arrange things in your bedroom and put some furniture into the living room to make it easier to get to the cot?
As PPs I think that it’s quite a big gap for sharing a room. Having 9 month old in the bedroom will disturb your DD’s routine and her sleep a lot and will basically take away her space at all. She would remember this even if it’s for a few months and actually you can’t promise her any timescale with moving so you might end up with your DD being even more upset and resentful because of your broken promises. I would put your energy into preparation for moving rather than into redecorating her room.

Honestly for 6 months or until you get your 3 bed, I would keep DS with you. Your DD is clearly very unhappy about the proposed arrangement (which I don't actually think is fair on a 7yo tbh) and you don't want to damage their sibling relationship by forcing this on her (as she has clearly already been negatively impacted by DS' presence, not that it is your fault, but you need to look at it from her perspective).

Could you not swap rooms with your dd so you get the bigger room and the baby can stay in with you

I think you should brave it out for the few extra months until you can move. You risk ruining her relationship with both you and her for the sake of a couple of months of something you’ve already been doing for 9.

Don’t put her at the bottom of your priorities, and she shouldn’t be made responsible for her baby brother.

Sorry just read where you said you can’t swap rooms.

How is your baby's sleeping? Usually I'm all for just telling kids this is how it needs to be but he's so young, if he's still waking in the night I just wouldn't do it. It would end up being a logistical nightmare of them both waking each other up, and the whole family will end up lacking sleep and grumpy.

If your DD has the biggest room I would swap so there's room for you and the cot (and this is one of the reasons I think it's short sighted to put a child in the biggest bedroom), but your OP makes it sound like there's a specific reason it needs to be this way around so it's hard to advise on that. Otherwise I would just wait it out, the chances of something happening in the few seconds it takes you to climb over the bed to the cot are surely quite slim.

You’re problem here is that you’ve let her know there’s an option. There is no option, 4 people, 2 bed house.

Can you imagine a little tribe all sleeping/living in one room and one kid suddenly kicks off that they want their own space? 😂

Tell her this is what happens, sorry kid, suck it up

DS has been sleeping through the night for about a month now, we wouldn't put him in there unless he was as we see that as unfair on her, they go to bed at the same time, they both fall asleep incredibly quickly and they both wake up naturally around the same time.

The reason I don't want to swap rooms is because i was in a house fire when I was younger and her room has the best escape route, if we swapped rooms and it happened again those few seconds of going to get her to then go back to ours to escape makes all the difference. I know it's a fear on my part and the probability of it happening again are so slim but I'd rather not take the chance.

I've also had multiple miscarriages so again huge fear I'm going to lose them so I want easy access to them (none of these fears have ever been realised to her).

Where does your son nap?

DS has been sleeping through the night for about a month now

There is no guarantee that he will permanently. Mine slept well. But teething/growth spurts/learning to walk and talk etc All threw up periods of rough sleep.

Also, have you had any counselling? Even if youre not articulating the reasons for the fear, it will be evident to your children and potentially impact their own behaviours (source - childhood with a mother with similar unresolved trauma leading to me, an adult with crippling anxiety about everything, even though she never told me she was scared, and would probably have said i didnt notice)

He doesn't nap, he's never really been a napper, he's so active during the day he's zonked out for the night

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

DS has been sleeping through the night for about a month now

There is no guarantee that he will permanently. Mine slept well. But teething/growth spurts/learning to walk and talk etc All threw up periods of rough sleep.

I agree with Bernadette 9 months is still very very young, he could easily stop sleeping through for any number of reasons.

I really do think keeping him in your room until the house move is the best option.

I think you need to give her some options so she at least feels in control.

I’m not sure if you and your OHs room is the larger room but if it is perhaps you could move into the smaller room and give the kids the larger one to share.

Otherwise you could discuss how it would work
Initially and what the future would look like. So assuming the baby will start off in her room in his cot then you could say eventually he would be in the bunk bed and the free space could be changed into something fun, like a teepee or a den etc.

You’ve got to find a way to spin a positive. I assume the plan is to move to a bigger place in time? If so then focus on that. Make her understand it’s a temporary measure until such a time when she can get her own space again.