How do we ease DD into the idea that DS will be moving into her room soon?

[Crumpetsforthequeen]

DS 9 months is now finally sleeping through the nights and we're planning on moving him into DD7's room as there is no room in our bedroom, we have to climb over the bed in order to get to his cot and it's been a nightmare. Her room is big enough for them both.

We currently live in a small 2 bed house and are planning to move into a 3 bed as soon as one comes avaliable, we're hoping by Christmas at the latest, so it won't be for that long.

We've tried explaining this to her but she's having none of it. I worry that she feels like he will be invading her space, I feel like she already had to share us when he was born (she didn't take very well to him) and now she has to share her space too. DH says I'm over analysing the whole thing and she'll get used to it.

We would keep him in our room but in all honesty it's a health hazard, if anything were to happen it would be more difficult to get to him than if he were in her room if that makes sense.

How do we let her know we aren't trying to force him on her or that we don't care about her and its all about him? (something she's expressed before)

Fact of the matter is its happening whether she likes it or not but we would like to make it as easy for her as possible.

Before anyone says we can't switch rooms either for reasons I'd rather not get into right now.

Thank you all for getting this far, this whole 2 DC thing has been a bit of a shock and not gone how I thought it would lol

[SnuggyBuggy]

I think the awkward age and sex miss match here is likely to get worse as they get older so I'd only move her if you are likely to be able to move to a 3 bed in a year. It's not going to be a good long term option but might be manageable short term.

[Crumpetsforthequeen]

@Qgardens I read that last bit as sleeping pill haha we have thought about adjusting her bedtime eg bedtime story with us, 'grown up girl' time which she'd love so I think that might be a good route to go down too.

We did say to her about reduced playing space, that we're happy for her to play downstairs with her stuff if she wants to as long as she tidied it up before bed, which really has always been the case so was really more of a reminder that she could do it.

I think eventually she'll be fine with it but it's that first idea and first few weeks of it actually happening thats the problem.

Always feels like just when you think you've got a handle on parenting they grow and completely change lol or you have another baby and it all goes to pot

[canigooutyet]

Honestly, keep things as they are and keep working on your issues. And get someone in from the fire station to do a safety visit. They will show you the best ways to get out, as you always need more than one plan.

Do mock fire drills so she knows how to get herself out. She cannot stay waiting for anyone to get out no matter where she is in the house.

Dealing with this now will also help when the 3 bed stays on the market long enough.

[Michelleoftheresistance]

Just a thought too - dividing the room cuts down on her playing space, which is the practical issue. It's going to be a eighteen months or more before ds will want or need space to play independently or with more complicated toys, or would be upstairs in his bedroom out of your sight. Managing ds's cot position to maximise dd's floor space might have less practical impact on her.

[Qgardens]

Divide the room and give her a, slightly later bedtime to allow the baby to settle on his own, and her a few extra minutes of you/story time, to sweeten the pill.

Alternatively swap the rooms and install extra fire alarms in each room.

[JayeAshe]

OP lots of ideas on Pinterest for dividing rooms

[Isadora2007]

My friend has the large 16 square Kallax unit from ikea as a divider for her two boys. Each have a different colour of box and a few shelves with their books on. It’s big enough to separate the room but with functionality as well.
But isn’t your daughter going to share the bunk with Her brother? In which case I’d just say she can move to the top bunk and other than that nothing needs to change. Get bedguards for ds and as soon as he is mobile teach him that babies go backwards to climb down off the bed or a sofa safely.
Acknowledge her feelings about it all but reiterate that she and her brother have a relationship too that is a special one she can build on and one day will appreciate. Help her see her baby as hers too and not just yours... and yes treat her to some redecorating to help make her top bunk special. Maybe a wee shelf with secret stuff the baby can’t get to- Or a net canopy with twinkly lights to make her move better.

[Michelleoftheresistance]

It's a change, changes can be initially hard, but this is how families have to work. You do what everybody needs, and sometimes that means making the best of things. Mum and Dad make the right decisions for everybody, this is what is happening because this is what needs to happen, now how do we make the best of it? Which might be a privilege for the 'big girl' in the family, or something nice for her part of the room etc.

I'd be really careful about over projecting your concerns on how she might feel on to her, or encouraging her to concentrate on, get attention and reinforcement for and work on growing her indignation and blame/behaviour on what you did/didn't do when you were very poorly from having a baby, or having to necessarily share her space because the family as a whole have a temporary wait for a larger house. You might be accidentally setting up a long term issue there for her and her resilience, and for parenting her.

[GrimmsFairytales]

@Crumpetsforthequeen

The other issue we have is we live in a small village so 3 bed houses don't come up that often and they're in high demand as everyone seems to be moving here from the city lately and they tend to go within a day so there's no guarantee that we will actually be able to move within 6 months, we've been looking for one since we found out I was pregnant.

I've had counselling and I'm also a trainee counsellor so I try my hardest not to put that stuff on her as I know about the potential consequences of it.

So this could easily be for another year or even longer?

I think that changes things. Does it have to be that particular area? If you've already been looking for over a year, and houses go that quickly it could be several years before you move, if you move at all, unless you look further afield.

[Crumpetsforthequeen]

I feel we've got a bit off topic, this is why I didn't want to mention why I didn't want to swap rooms as I knew I'd be laid into about it, it's somthing I am working on so let's leave it at that.

I like the idea of room devider so she gets her own space still, can anyone tell me how they work exactly?

[Inforthelonghaul]

It’s a tricky one but I have two with a 7yr gap though boy girl so other way round and I have to say it’s not an easy age gap. Plus it won’t be that long before your DD starts getting more self conscious about body changes and privacy. My DD is 9 and no way in a million years would she be happy sharing a room with a brother however old.

Personally I would keep as is if you really will be able to move in a few months. The problem it could cause will potentially last longer.

[SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]

I try my hardest not to put that stuff on her as I know about the potential consequences of it.

But you are putting it on her! Far and away the best solution here is for her to have the smaller room and you and the baby to move to the bigger one - the only thing stopping you from doing the best thing for everyone involved is your irrational fear.

[BillBaileysBum]

I am sorry for the things you’ve been through. I do understand trauma... I don’t think it’s fair to do that to her because of your anxieties really though. Could you try and see this as an opportunity to work through your own issues instead?

Some ideas: If it’s just till Christmas, push your bed up against the wall/window where I assume the cot currently is, and put the cot the near side of the bed. Or move a chest of drawers into your DD’s room to make more space or something.

[SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]

He doesn't nap, he's never really been a napper, he's so active during the day he's zonked out for the night

It's incredibly unusual for a baby that age to not nap, i would 100% be prepared for him to need at least one nap once he starts walking/talking.

[Crumpetsforthequeen]

The other issue we have is we live in a small village so 3 bed houses don't come up that often and they're in high demand as everyone seems to be moving here from the city lately and they tend to go within a day so there's no guarantee that we will actually be able to move within 6 months, we've been looking for one since we found out I was pregnant.

I've had counselling and I'm also a trainee counsellor so I try my hardest not to put that stuff on her as I know about the potential consequences of it.

[justanotherneighinparadise]

I think you need to give her some options so she at least feels in control.

I’m not sure if you and your OHs room is the larger room but if it is perhaps you could move into the smaller room and give the kids the larger one to share.

Otherwise you could discuss how it would work
Initially and what the future would look like. So assuming the baby will start off in her room in his cot then you could say eventually he would be in the bunk bed and the free space could be changed into something fun, like a teepee or a den etc.

You’ve got to find a way to spin a positive. I assume the plan is to move to a bigger place in time? If so then focus on that. Make her understand it’s a temporary measure until such a time when she can get her own space again.

[GrimmsFairytales]

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

DS has been sleeping through the night for about a month now

There is no guarantee that he will permanently. Mine slept well. But teething/growth spurts/learning to walk and talk etc All threw up periods of rough sleep.

I agree with Bernadette 9 months is still very very young, he could easily stop sleeping through for any number of reasons.

I really do think keeping him in your room until the house move is the best option.

[Crumpetsforthequeen]

He doesn't nap, he's never really been a napper, he's so active during the day he's zonked out for the night

[SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]

Also, have you had any counselling? Even if youre not articulating the reasons for the fear, it will be evident to your children and potentially impact their own behaviours (source - childhood with a mother with similar unresolved trauma leading to me, an adult with crippling anxiety about everything, even though she never told me she was scared, and would probably have said i didnt notice)

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

DS has been sleeping through the night for about a month now

There is no guarantee that he will permanently. Mine slept well. But teething/growth spurts/learning to walk and talk etc All threw up periods of rough sleep.

[SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]

Where does your son nap?

[Crumpetsforthequeen]

DS has been sleeping through the night for about a month now, we wouldn't put him in there unless he was as we see that as unfair on her, they go to bed at the same time, they both fall asleep incredibly quickly and they both wake up naturally around the same time.

The reason I don't want to swap rooms is because i was in a house fire when I was younger and her room has the best escape route, if we swapped rooms and it happened again those few seconds of going to get her to then go back to ours to escape makes all the difference. I know it's a fear on my part and the probability of it happening again are so slim but I'd rather not take the chance.

I've also had multiple miscarriages so again huge fear I'm going to lose them so I want easy access to them (none of these fears have ever been realised to her).

[hfrdgftcsdg]

You’re problem here is that you’ve let her know there’s an option. There is no option, 4 people, 2 bed house.

Can you imagine a little tribe all sleeping/living in one room and one kid suddenly kicks off that they want their own space? 😂

Tell her this is what happens, sorry kid, suck it up

[aSofaNearYou]

How is your baby's sleeping? Usually I'm all for just telling kids this is how it needs to be but he's so young, if he's still waking in the night I just wouldn't do it. It would end up being a logistical nightmare of them both waking each other up, and the whole family will end up lacking sleep and grumpy.

If your DD has the biggest room I would swap so there's room for you and the cot (and this is one of the reasons I think it's short sighted to put a child in the biggest bedroom), but your OP makes it sound like there's a specific reason it needs to be this way around so it's hard to advise on that. Otherwise I would just wait it out, the chances of something happening in the few seconds it takes you to climb over the bed to the cot are surely quite slim.

[ThanosSavedMe]

Sorry just read where you said you can’t swap rooms.