How do we ease DD into the idea that DS will be moving into her room soon?

[Crumpetsforthequeen]

DS 9 months is now finally sleeping through the nights and we're planning on moving him into DD7's room as there is no room in our bedroom, we have to climb over the bed in order to get to his cot and it's been a nightmare. Her room is big enough for them both.

We currently live in a small 2 bed house and are planning to move into a 3 bed as soon as one comes avaliable, we're hoping by Christmas at the latest, so it won't be for that long.

We've tried explaining this to her but she's having none of it. I worry that she feels like he will be invading her space, I feel like she already had to share us when he was born (she didn't take very well to him) and now she has to share her space too. DH says I'm over analysing the whole thing and she'll get used to it.

We would keep him in our room but in all honesty it's a health hazard, if anything were to happen it would be more difficult to get to him than if he were in her room if that makes sense.

How do we let her know we aren't trying to force him on her or that we don't care about her and its all about him? (something she's expressed before)

Fact of the matter is its happening whether she likes it or not but we would like to make it as easy for her as possible.

Before anyone says we can't switch rooms either for reasons I'd rather not get into right now.

Thank you all for getting this far, this whole 2 DC thing has been a bit of a shock and not gone how I thought it would lol

[Crumpetsforthequeen]

The other issue we have is we live in a small village so 3 bed houses don't come up that often and they're in high demand as everyone seems to be moving here from the city lately and they tend to go within a day so there's no guarantee that we will actually be able to move within 6 months, we've been looking for one since we found out I was pregnant.

I've had counselling and I'm also a trainee counsellor so I try my hardest not to put that stuff on her as I know about the potential consequences of it.

[SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]

He doesn't nap, he's never really been a napper, he's so active during the day he's zonked out for the night

It's incredibly unusual for a baby that age to not nap, i would 100% be prepared for him to need at least one nap once he starts walking/talking.

[BillBaileysBum]

I am sorry for the things you’ve been through. I do understand trauma... I don’t think it’s fair to do that to her because of your anxieties really though. Could you try and see this as an opportunity to work through your own issues instead?

Some ideas: If it’s just till Christmas, push your bed up against the wall/window where I assume the cot currently is, and put the cot the near side of the bed. Or move a chest of drawers into your DD’s room to make more space or something.

[SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]

I try my hardest not to put that stuff on her as I know about the potential consequences of it.

But you are putting it on her! Far and away the best solution here is for her to have the smaller room and you and the baby to move to the bigger one - the only thing stopping you from doing the best thing for everyone involved is your irrational fear.

[Inforthelonghaul]

It’s a tricky one but I have two with a 7yr gap though boy girl so other way round and I have to say it’s not an easy age gap. Plus it won’t be that long before your DD starts getting more self conscious about body changes and privacy. My DD is 9 and no way in a million years would she be happy sharing a room with a brother however old.

Personally I would keep as is if you really will be able to move in a few months. The problem it could cause will potentially last longer.

[Crumpetsforthequeen]

I feel we've got a bit off topic, this is why I didn't want to mention why I didn't want to swap rooms as I knew I'd be laid into about it, it's somthing I am working on so let's leave it at that.

I like the idea of room devider so she gets her own space still, can anyone tell me how they work exactly?

[GrimmsFairytales]

@Crumpetsforthequeen

The other issue we have is we live in a small village so 3 bed houses don't come up that often and they're in high demand as everyone seems to be moving here from the city lately and they tend to go within a day so there's no guarantee that we will actually be able to move within 6 months, we've been looking for one since we found out I was pregnant.

I've had counselling and I'm also a trainee counsellor so I try my hardest not to put that stuff on her as I know about the potential consequences of it.

So this could easily be for another year or even longer?

I think that changes things. Does it have to be that particular area? If you've already been looking for over a year, and houses go that quickly it could be several years before you move, if you move at all, unless you look further afield.

[Michelleoftheresistance]

It's a change, changes can be initially hard, but this is how families have to work. You do what everybody needs, and sometimes that means making the best of things. Mum and Dad make the right decisions for everybody, this is what is happening because this is what needs to happen, now how do we make the best of it? Which might be a privilege for the 'big girl' in the family, or something nice for her part of the room etc.

I'd be really careful about over projecting your concerns on how she might feel on to her, or encouraging her to concentrate on, get attention and reinforcement for and work on growing her indignation and blame/behaviour on what you did/didn't do when you were very poorly from having a baby, or having to necessarily share her space because the family as a whole have a temporary wait for a larger house. You might be accidentally setting up a long term issue there for her and her resilience, and for parenting her.

[Isadora2007]

My friend has the large 16 square Kallax unit from ikea as a divider for her two boys. Each have a different colour of box and a few shelves with their books on. It’s big enough to separate the room but with functionality as well.
But isn’t your daughter going to share the bunk with Her brother? In which case I’d just say she can move to the top bunk and other than that nothing needs to change. Get bedguards for ds and as soon as he is mobile teach him that babies go backwards to climb down off the bed or a sofa safely.
Acknowledge her feelings about it all but reiterate that she and her brother have a relationship too that is a special one she can build on and one day will appreciate. Help her see her baby as hers too and not just yours... and yes treat her to some redecorating to help make her top bunk special. Maybe a wee shelf with secret stuff the baby can’t get to- Or a net canopy with twinkly lights to make her move better.

[JayeAshe]

OP lots of ideas on Pinterest for dividing rooms

[Qgardens]

Divide the room and give her a, slightly later bedtime to allow the baby to settle on his own, and her a few extra minutes of you/story time, to sweeten the pill.

Alternatively swap the rooms and install extra fire alarms in each room.

[Michelleoftheresistance]

Just a thought too - dividing the room cuts down on her playing space, which is the practical issue. It's going to be a eighteen months or more before ds will want or need space to play independently or with more complicated toys, or would be upstairs in his bedroom out of your sight. Managing ds's cot position to maximise dd's floor space might have less practical impact on her.

[canigooutyet]

Honestly, keep things as they are and keep working on your issues. And get someone in from the fire station to do a safety visit. They will show you the best ways to get out, as you always need more than one plan.

Do mock fire drills so she knows how to get herself out. She cannot stay waiting for anyone to get out no matter where she is in the house.

Dealing with this now will also help when the 3 bed stays on the market long enough.

[Crumpetsforthequeen]

@Qgardens I read that last bit as sleeping pill haha we have thought about adjusting her bedtime eg bedtime story with us, 'grown up girl' time which she'd love so I think that might be a good route to go down too.

We did say to her about reduced playing space, that we're happy for her to play downstairs with her stuff if she wants to as long as she tidied it up before bed, which really has always been the case so was really more of a reminder that she could do it.

I think eventually she'll be fine with it but it's that first idea and first few weeks of it actually happening thats the problem.

Always feels like just when you think you've got a handle on parenting they grow and completely change lol or you have another baby and it all goes to pot

[SnuggyBuggy]

I think the awkward age and sex miss match here is likely to get worse as they get older so I'd only move her if you are likely to be able to move to a 3 bed in a year. It's not going to be a good long term option but might be manageable short term.