Niece said my husband hurt her

[Momof4zena]

Hi everyone, I am new here but I am looking for advice. My husband was watching my 4yr old niece in a rental home we were all staying at and she said he "squeezed her and pushed her" while he was watching her.

My husband said he asked my niece to stop hitting him and she did not stop. She went to hit him again so my husband caught one of her punches and held it away from him and said in a stern voice "we don't hit" and when he let go she fell down. My niece said "I'm telling my mom." To which my husband responded with "I will tell her you hit me." Then my niece started crying out for her mom.

My sister doesn't believe my husband at all and said my niece had brought it up numerous times that my husband squeezed her and hurt her.

I've never seen my husband do this with my children and he keeps his cool when he is frustrated. If he does get frustrated he walks away. I really don't think he squeezed my niece. Could it be a language issue? Or would she just lie about it, even a few times at home? She did say later he didn't push her, but she fell. And I believe she was tantruming as he was holding her hand.

My husband thinks my niece lied because she want angry at him and wanted him to get in trouble.

Just looking to see if it's normal for a 4 yr old to lie like that.

Little kids say all sorts. I’ve no doubt you’ll get numerous people telling you that your husband is a monster though.

Have you ever witnessed your niece throwing tantrums involving hitting out? I am struggling to see why a four year old would or could lie about something like this

Oh yes, numerous times. she was hitting everyone that weekend and has aggressive tantrums.

What did your sister say about the tantrums/hitting out, and the fact that many people witnessed them?

She doesn't deny that she hit him and had a big tantrum/ is aggresive. She thinks he handled it poorly and squeezed her out of frustration and asked him not discipline her children and to come get her if there is a problem.

Your niece was running around throwing tantrums and thumping people the entire weekend, but your sister expects people not to react, not to discipline her, and to come and get her mother every time she plays up?

Sounds to me like you have a niece problem and a sister problem, not a hubby one.

Op I don’t know how I would have handled it differently, instinct would be stop child from hitting me, state nicely but firmly not to do so. He sounds like he did right, but I wouldn’t put him in this again position in the future. Wouldn’t be fair on him

Yes, I agree. He has asked not to be alone with them in the future.

I know my husband - I guess I am hurt by the fact that she is so on her daughter's side and thinks my husband is a monster.

I've had my toddler scream "NO, NO, STOP HUUUURTING ME!" because I was holding his head still just hard enough to stop him from throwing his skull into my chest repeatedly (his favorite way to express displeasure for a particularly unpleasant 6-week phase!).

I've heard him shout "OH NO YOU'RE SCARING ME!" and then burst into tears on the floor screaming "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" because someone said, in a normal tone of voice, "No, you can't hit your brother."

We've heard "My brother bit me!" when he was the one who bit his brother (who had the marks to prove it, unlike him!), and "NO HITTING STOP HITTING" when he was the person hitting and no one else had done anything of the kind.

He's a dramatic kid, prone to throwing massive tantrums, and we have managed to get most of it under control. When he's not tantruming, he's bright and sweet, charming and funny. But I've sometimes worried that other parents will see his "NOOO YOU'RE HUUUURTING ME" cries (which he does if you absolutely torture him by, say, taking him off a playground swing, what monsters we are!) and think he's being beaten behind closed doors.

I guess what I'm saying is, so much of this kind of thing depends on the child. If my older child tells me something happened, I've basically never known him to exaggerate. He has an almost hilariously realistic perspective (if he meows and you ask if he's a cat, he says "no, I'm pretending to be a cat!", big imagination but knows it's all imaginary), and is not prone to dramatics.

If he told me someone pushed him, I'd be 10x more concerned than if my younger son said it, because I know he's prone to exaggeration or even straight up reversal and projection of something he did.

You cant control what she thinks or how she treats her child. If the child is allowed to behave like she did (the tantrums and hitting), then I would refuse to be alone with her too. As well as your husband.

Of course she is going to defend her daughter. But I am guessing she doesn't really challenge her daughters behaviour in general?

Don't go away with them again until/unless your little niece's behaviour is brought under control. Such a young child hitting people is just not on, most of us would find a way of disciplining our child if they behaved like that, it's appalling. Nobody could blame your husband for wanting her to stop! Kids can really hurt. Anyone trying to ward off blows could end up pushing out of the way.

I don't understand why your sister doesn't address this problem, it would worry me sick to have the child from hell.

My eldest dc when around four memorably screamed hysterically ‘mum you're hurting me, you’re hurting meeeee help me please help me..’ I was washing her hair at the time. She was in no pain just angry at having her hair washed.

Four year olds IME have their own view on life and it does not necessarily correspond with actual facts, they get muddled up with their feelings and what’s actually happening.

I’d give your sister a wide berth from now on and refuse to mind her child for even a second.

Your husband very sensibly doesn't want to be alone with dn again, your sister is a fool to believe a 4 year old drama queen. She is mapping a very difficult life for herself and will regret allowing her DD to act this way.

Your sister is behaving like a tit, to be honest.

I have no doubt that your DH had to put some pressure on your niece's fist to stop her pulling them out of his hand and continuing to hit him, and no doubt that when she managed to get free that she did fall over (reactive forces at play) - but for your sister to be so ridiculous over it, rather than worry about her little girl's uncontrollable aggression and bad behaviour is wrong.

And yes, they're perfectly capable of lying through their teeth at that age, and younger!

My 2 boys - the younger one was always attacking the older one, but would always claim that the older one started it. Most of the time I was aware of what was happening and knew that the attacks were largely unprovoked but sometimes I would catch the older one needling the younger one before an attack. This started when the little one was around 18mo and he would always blame DS1. ALWAYS.

Your DN needs to be supervised by your sister while at yours at all times. Be upfront about that. I have a nephew who went through a phase of punching people’s crotches and then lying and telling people they hurt him (with the parents believing it) - we refused to have him without their parents and if he ran upstairs or went into somewhere he shouldn’t have we flat out told their parents to get him.

As sad as it can be, you need to avoid them. It is not fair to deal with such aggression and lies while fearing you can be accused of doing things to a child that you didn’t.

It is not fair on your husband and you and you are unlikely to convince your sister her DD needs more discipline, better to stay away as much as possible.

Reduce contact with them for awhile.

And then I’d avoid any of you being around the niece unaccompanied by your sister.

It is a difficult situation to be in. But it sounds as if your sister needs some time to address the issues of her daughters aggression. And having additional adults around that she evidently doesn’t trust is not helping her and seems to be providing a distraction from the main problem (which is her daughters aggression).

This is tricky as the parent sides with the child understandably and may not believe that their child is capable of such mischief!

My youngest had a phase of shouting "stop you are hurting me" which would often get his brother into bother, it only stopped when I caught him out and stomped into the room and told him to pack in as his brother was with me in another room and he got punished for fibbing.

I think you need to let your sister get on with things as she sees fit, but to ensure both and your husband are protected from any allegations at all times.

Your husband reacted to hitting exactly as we react to hitting. Was he supposed to let her hit him? Say to your sister that's fine to leave the discipline to her but then she needs to be in the room with dd at all times in order to discipline.

I can see both sides. I can see how your husbands version is completely plausible and how that would have happened and why you’d believe him, I can also see how a mother would be protective over their child and know if this is an accusation the child would make if she was angry etc, or if it’s highly unlikely her child would make it up, and then continue to repeat it. I can also see why your husband would not wish to admit it.

For me, it’s always best to believe children when they tell you something like this, because if it’s true, even if it’s just their version Ie how they saw it, then you wish them to also tell you the next time something happens to them.

I think it’s best both parties agree not to leave him alone with the child again, for both their sakes, and put it behind you and move on.

Your H should have got up and left the room. He should not have waited for things to get to the point where he would be fielding punches.

She thinks he handled it poorly and squeezed her out of frustration and asked him not discipline her children and to come get her if there is a problem.

I have to say I agree with this assessment of your sister's.

My niece said "I'm telling my mom." To which my husband responded with "I will tell her you hit me." Then my niece started crying out for her mom.
This exchange is not OK and your H needs to sit down and examine it carefully. Here are the problems with it:
(1) Your H got down to the level of tit for tat tattling.
(2) He counter-threatened a child who was intending to talk to her mother about her perception of what happened. I am not saying your H is a monster but this threat from him is the script of someone who has actually done something abusive to a child.

Children are taught to tell if someone hurts them. They do not always understand cause and effect.
(3) The exchange is typical of one where the protagonists have been involved in some sort of fight (for want of a better word) for a little while, with both getting somewhat heated. Your H shouldn't have let it get to that point. He is the grown up.

Steer clear of this child. Do not be in the same room with her without her mother present. But your H needs to look dispassionately at what happened and recognise where he went wrong.

I think the fact that your husband no longer wants to be alone with her in the future says enough.

I would believe him.

If your sister is not parenting effectively then that will be why the niece was so shocked and it sticks out to her enough to keep going about it when someone did. I would have no problem someone acting this way with my child, if he were doing that and I wasn't there.

That’s how we react to hitting. You can’t let them continue. Our kids have definitely said similar at that age. “Daddy hurts my hand and shouted” and i witnessed it meaning he actually stopped her hitting and and said stop.

I would be very careful around the niece at all until this is under control. What are they doing about the hitting?

My nine year old has had a spare or hurting my arm recently when she has been in a hormonal rage. It’s very difficult to know how to deal with it.

I had one who from around 4-6yo would tantrum in public and then when I tried to get them up off the floor, take them to the car etc would scream out ‘help, help, you’re not my mum’. I have had a 5 year old child (not mine) tell me ‘if you don’t do what I want I’m telling mum you touched my privates’ when I had never touched the child. I also had a friend whose child would tell anyone who would listen about how they stabbed them so hard in their stomach with a knife and blood spurted out, the day care called child protection on that one who found that the parent never did that (obviously). One of my kids as an older child accused me of physically abusing an older sibling, belting them with a certain kitchen implement. I never did this and nothing either I or their older sibling could say about how this never occurred was believed because ‘they saw it’ and supposedly we were both lying. Needless to say the older sibling was very confused. Even now as an older teen that child still has this memory and believed it happened when it did not.

People will come here though and will say that kids never lie about this stuff.