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Parenting

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Original poster

Niece said my husband hurt her

55 replies

Momof4zena · 16/05/2020 03:12

Hi everyone, I am new here but I am looking for advice. My husband was watching my 4yr old niece in a rental home we were all staying at and she said he "squeezed her and pushed her" while he was watching her.

My husband said he asked my niece to stop hitting him and she did not stop. She went to hit him again so my husband caught one of her punches and held it away from him and said in a stern voice "we don't hit" and when he let go she fell down. My niece said "I'm telling my mom." To which my husband responded with "I will tell her you hit me." Then my niece started crying out for her mom.

My sister doesn't believe my husband at all and said my niece had brought it up numerous times that my husband squeezed her and hurt her.

I've never seen my husband do this with my children and he keeps his cool when he is frustrated. If he does get frustrated he walks away. I really don't think he squeezed my niece. Could it be a language issue? Or would she just lie about it, even a few times at home? She did say later he didn't push her, but she fell. And I believe she was tantruming as he was holding her hand.

My husband thinks my niece lied because she want angry at him and wanted him to get in trouble.

Just looking to see if it's normal for a 4 yr old to lie like that.

OP posts:

mangoinafrillydress · 16/05/2020 06:33

Kids lie!!
My 4 year old accused me of hitting her wrist when I gently led her away from hurting the dog.

mangoinafrillydress · 16/05/2020 06:33

hurting her wrist*

blackcat86 · 16/05/2020 06:35

Your sister is setting up a dangerous narrative about your DH here and you need to be going LC with them I'm afraid. You know your DH and DN. If she went around hitting people and behaving awfully all weekend without your sister doing much then that's a big issues but the fact that she believes your DH used inappropriate force is not something to forget. It sounds like she is doing your DN no favours.

Chinchinatti · 16/05/2020 06:56

Him holding her arm probably caused him to squeeze her arm. It probably would have frightened her. Men are strong.

guanciale · 16/05/2020 07:10

time to not see your niece for 6 months at least

Aridane · 16/05/2020 07:12

I am struggling to see why a four year old would or could lie about something like this

😂😂😂

KatherineJaneway · 16/05/2020 07:14

My sister doesn't believe my husband at all and said my niece had brought it up numerous times that my husband squeezed her and hurt her.

Sounds like your niece is used to getting her own way and not being disciplined so your husband acting as he did was a shock, hence the repeating of the 'he hurt me'.

Bluntness100 · 16/05/2020 07:17

I’d agree this could be about perception, he may have accidentally held her too tightly, and whatever he did, resulted in her falling over, and it gave her a fright, and he didn’t quite realise as it was a split second and not his intent. So they are both kind of right.

If someone had been watching, they may have felt he was behaving fine, or they may have felt he was too rough.

The issue here is he is never going to admit if he did do it a bit too strongly because the fall out would be horrendous.

Alittleshortforaspacepooper · 16/05/2020 07:25

I am struggling to see why a four year old would or could lie about something like this

Lol

Moondust001 · 16/05/2020 07:28

I think I'd tell my sister that she can look after her own child from now on. What she or anyone else thinks about how he handled it (because everyone is always so perfect themselves when it comes to handing out advice) is irrelevant - her child behaves badly and appears to know that she can do so with impunity because her mother will back her up. If she wishes to allow her child to hit people because she thinks it's fun, that's fine - she can allow her to hit her.

walkingchuckydoll · 16/05/2020 07:35

I am struggling to see why a four year old would or could lie about something like this

My oldest nephew lied through his teeth about absolutely everything at that age if he thought it would get him attention.

StormBaby · 16/05/2020 07:45

Your sister is creating a monster there. My teenage stepdaughter will still tantrum and punch people who try to stop her then scream "child abuse" loudly when reprimanded. I've also seen her beat up boys then say she'll tell the police they hit her first because she's a girl she will get away with it. I've had to stop 'parenting' her as I consider her to be so potentially dangerous. I feed, clothe and do fun activities with her, but the minute she starts to misbehave, which is numerous times a day, I'm out. Not putting myself in that position. I suggest you and your Dh do the same.

NataliaOsipova · 16/05/2020 07:51

Sorry to be blunt, but it sounds like your sister is one of “those” parents who is bringing up one of “those” kids. And, frankly, after this it isn’t fair on your husband ever to put him in that sort of position again. Do not leave him on his own with that child again, even for a second. Do not offer to look after her - even for a short time - without her mother there if it is the two of you.

And yes, totally normal for kids of that age to lie like that. My DD had a friend who would tell the most strung out, plausible lies (and we were talking about a 5/6 year old!) - where she’d been, when she’d been, what she wore etc etc....only for her mother to come along and have to contradict everything she’d said. It was quite astonishing.

Quartz2208 · 16/05/2020 08:14

How long ago was this

I agree with math anxiety

You say in your op that when he gets frustrated he normally walks away he didn’t this time

lottiegarbanzo · 16/05/2020 08:18

"I will tell her you hit me."

That was a big mistake. It confirmed to the child that the two of them had been fighting against each other. Your DN then went to 'get her defence in first' by talking up your DH's 'attack'.

After all, he had just told her that he had indeed attacked her in a tit for tat action!

Yes, holding her hands and saying 'we don't hit' is fine. Then he needed to move away from her. Then, if she didn't stop, go and find her mother. (Unless the mother had specifically delegated childcare to him and briefed him on how to respond to hitting).

Intervening verbally in a way that implied she was 'telling tales' and which also implied he was angry with her for 'telling on him' and, was trying to prevent her from doing this - and talking to her mum about something that had upset her, was a big mistake.

mummmy2017 · 16/05/2020 08:27

Binge watching Johnathan Creek.
Child in tears... MUMMY he cut my horse's head off.
Mummy goes mad at JC for upsetting her child and hurting her.
JC it was a photo, just check the stable.
Later on the child writes horse killer on a desk , so the family just turn the desk round.
When found out the mum does that embarrassed shrug.
Child do lie.

Letthemysterybe · 16/05/2020 08:32

Does your sister actually think that your husband is ‘a monster’? Or is she just asking him not to get involved with discipline at all because she thinks only she should discipline her child?

I wouldn’t escalate this any further. Simply, ‘yes he stopped her from hitting him, no he didn’t squeeze her excessively, ok we will always fetch you in the future’. And then move on. Don’t get involved in any back and forth.

Jeleste · 16/05/2020 08:37

When DD was 3 she once started screaming and crying once in her room out of nowhere 'Brother hit me! Brother hit me!' i went to check and let her know that her brother is currently at school.. she looked around, started crying again and screamed 'Dog hit me!' pointing at the dog
Turns out she hit her head and just wanted to blame someone.

Kids lie and they exaggerate when they are angry, hurt etc.
Your DH probably held her a bit too firm and she was angry because she couldnt get out of the grip.
Your sister sounds exhausting and i would tell her to watch her daughter better if she doesnt want other people disciplining her.

DancyNancy · 16/05/2020 08:37

Ah jesus. If my kids are in a tantrum and I'm holding their hands/arms to stop them making contact with me they often cry that it hurts, but it hurts(and a lot of the time I don't think it even does) because they are fighting against my attempt to stop them from hitting someone. And also totally dramatised by their current state of tantrum. I'm sorry but I don't think it's right either to teach a 4 year old (and I have two of them right now) that you won't get resistance from trying to hit someone.

OP I'd be with your hubby on this one and would politely decline to mind that child in future. Not because the child's tantrums , but because your sister obviously has her own way of dealing with it and leave her to it

crazychemist · 16/05/2020 08:51

In a completely cool state of mind, perhaps it would have been better if your DH to say “we’ll go to your mum together and talk to her about what happened”. But that’s really easy for me to say sitting on my sofa. I suspect in the heat of the moment I’d react a similar way to your DH, and I wouldn’t feel bad about that. It’s reasonable to stop a child hitting you by gently restraining them!

Her version may not be wrong from her point of view - it may well have hurt, I bet she was twisting around. If a kid thrashes around, it’s very easy for them to get a little hurt by accident, and that’s not the fault of the person restraining them if they are doing their best to be careful. Talk to your DH, he’s probably feeling quite frustrated and needs room to vent, but this doesn’t need to damage his relationship with DNiece (who has probably forgotten about this, or will as soon as she’s had 5 minutes in your company again) or Dsil.

A child bringing something up multiple times doesn’t mean much. My DD (3yo) has a friend who is a year younger. She misses him hugely at the moment. But that doesn’t stop her saying “R bites ears” over and over again. He did it once when he was much younger, it was absolutely ages ago! She’s not at all upset when she says it, it’s just something she repeats.

If your DSis feels strongly that it is her job to choose how to discipline, then you either avoid solo interactions, or just always leave the situation and go straight to her when DNiece misbehaves. That might mean saying no to looking after her until she’s quite a bit older, but it’s not worth risking accusations.

ABucketOfShells · 16/05/2020 08:53

How long has 4 year old been saying this? I can’t imagine a 4 year old would persist with this sort of lie for long.
They’d come clean once they’re out of the moment.
Yes, she shouldn’t of hit him and I’d of sat her on the bottom step for 4 minutes, ask for an apology etc. But it does sound like he got caught up in it and squeezed her out of frustration/retaliation.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/05/2020 08:54

Perfect.

I think it's really hard being left alone with other people's children, when they haven't actively delegated supervision to you. You need to be absolutely sure whether they're a 'takes a village' person who is happy for any known adult to discipline their child, or whether they expect you to call them when anything difficult happens. Or just to let it unfold, then tell them about it afterwards!

I've found this is often the case - they want to get on with something else and see you as 'supervision light' i.e. having an adult in the room might inhibit bad behaviour, up to a point. Beyond that point, you either call them in, or allow the child's screams to have the same effect. I find it very uncomfortable e.g. being left in a room with children who start fighting. Is this tolerated in their house? I don't know.

Wolfiefan · 16/05/2020 08:57

I wouldn’t be seeing them. Not for a long time. A 4 year old who throws violent tantrums and her mother who then blames the person trying not to be smacked and hit by her?
She’s going to be a bloody nightmare teen!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/05/2020 08:58

I also agree with everyone saying your DH should never be in a position of looking after your niece again - and nor should anyone else apart from her mother, as the child is a menace for lying and aggressive behaviour, and her mother is too dim to realise it.

timeisnotaline · 16/05/2020 09:01

I am struggling to see why a four year old would or could lie about something like this
Seems pretty obvious. 4 year olds are psychopaths.

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