Class teacher issues

[lovehissmile]

Hello mums

Hope you all coping well with the lockdown. Been a big fan of Mumsnet, got lots useful advice from you all, never feel like I had to post something until...

DS is at Reception in a State school (August born, might not be relevant). He enjoyed his school and seems to like his class teacher.

We both work full-time, so son goes to BC and ASC most days in a week. However, I always tried to attend his Friday reading session and pick up at 3:30pm on the same day and Parents evenings to ensure I can see his class teacher for updates.

The teacher is in her 20s, newish to teaching. She seems loving and caring and son likes her. But...i strongly feel she avoids conversation with me when i turn up for pickup (zero word with husband so far). For example, avoid my keen eye contacts as I approached her for a conversation, she would turn her back to me or (pretend) to do something??? When I actually can catch her, she would not say more than 2 sentences then cut it short??She never gave me any face to face updates except once when DS just started school (I take it as it is mandatory for all parents). But, she always have long conversations with other parents. As for DS, I attended a couple of sit in classes, and felt her interaction with/attention to DS was next to nothing (didn't encourage him to answer questions, didn't check his class works, but she did that with other kids).

Today, I was really really upset :-(

We have been uploaded homework to tapestry through out the lockdown. Every Friday, the Star of the Week is announced. Well, all good. So we uploaded loads phonics, maths, reading, arts and crafts, etc every week for at least 2 -4 times a week.

I promised to get DS a kinder egg if he got the award and used that as an encouragement for home schooling. He really buys that and wants to be the star of the week. To add, this award is a continuous from week 1 at school.

He has never got one from his teacher. I am only aware of this thing from overheard conversations from the teacher and other parents like before Christmas. Don't know what qualify for that, but DS told me the kids got it "listen to instructions, being kind, line up properly etc".

Anyways, during lockdown, looking at the comments on Taspastry, the kids got it because they do the addition and subtraction, make something, writing cooking ingredients etc. So I feel it is doable and really want to help him to "win" once for encouragement.

To add, we have been consistently uploading the similar quality of work every week with different subjects.

This week, I uploaded pictures and videos of him of the following:

1. a picture of 24 Oxford Reading Tree Band 2 books with him in it along a video of him reading it (as he completed it)
2. a picture and video showing he learnt sizes and measurements (16 pages completed of a workbook)
3. 5 mathematic worksheet (30 questions each sheet showing his correct and wrong answers, 80% accuracy, and his rework on wrong answers)
4. A science experiments video as a"wild" factor.

She commentted positively and gave the thumb up. But, then gave the award to another person because : keeping up with learning (didn't specify what), made a playdough caterpillar and wrote sentences using tricky words.

As far as I know, its not the first time this child gets star of the week, so as other previous "winners".

I nearly cried. I was upset, angry, annoyed, disappointed.... Don't get me wrong! I am happy for the kid and whoever gets it. I am just confused why HE never has one. I just wanted him to be encouraged and felt a bit of pride as a result if his good actions. I just wanted his teacher sees his progress (he could only draw circles when joining school, in her own words, in a parent's evening).

I did thought about send her a message, but don't want to feel like asking for an award :-(

Is it not enough? What can I do differently?

In all honesty, and I mean this in the kindest possible way, I think you need to calm down a little bit.

You seem like you're doing a load of work and doing a great job with schooling your son. On the face of it, it does seem unfair that your son hasnt got an award, but you dont know the ins and outs of it. I have a friend whos a primary school teacher, she doesnt give awards to kid who are good and capable consistantly. She gives awards to kids who are a bit crap, then do good stuff.

Maybe tie your treat for your son to something else? Something you can control?

It sounds like your son is very capable and well supported. It is hard but I imagine she gives the star to those struggling more (however all children should get 1 I think). Your post comes across as quite full on. When you grab her for a chat do you have something specific in mind? Or is it just a general update? Is it always on a Friday afternoon? Why not ask about the star of the week... Is your son genuinely unhappy at not getting it.. Or not getting the kinder egg because he didn't get something which is out of his control?

Oh dear you are going to find the school years very stressful OP if you don’t relax

That level of work sounds way too much and all the videos etc- she may actively not want to suggest to others that it is what they should be aiming for.
The whole star of the week thing is daft and the only way to manage it at home is to pay it no heed whatsoever

By telling your son he can have a gift if he achieves an award that you or he have no power over you have put pressure on him and he’s FOUR.

Seriously. Step back. This is reception. None of it matters.
Do a bit of work with him, have fun, buy him the kinder egg for trying so hard and then just go hang out and forget about all this drama.

You will honestly make him anxious and it really isn’t worth it. When he’s 15 you will look back at this post and either laugh or cry at how on Earth you were bothered about such minor issues in thy e grand scheme of things.

Teacher may find you a bit overwhelming or may be focusing on kids who don’t have support at home or whatever. If she may be overlooking your kid and unkind but tbh you asking for him to have an award or presenting ever increasing hours of work at this age is daft and deep down I think you know it.

Huge mistake to promise him a prize that you can’t control.
Huge.
Maybe the teacher doesn’t like you? Maybe she doesn’t like your son?
Maybe she has her favourites in class?
You don’t know what’s happening in the “winners” lives....maybe they need more support/ encouragement. Maybe their little lives are absolutely shit at the moment and this gives them a boost.
You sound like you and your son are doing brilliantly, don’t let it slip for a stupid teacher award!

**She gives awards to kids who are a bit crap, then do good stuff.

This in spades weekly certificates aren’t for the hard working high achieving kids, they’re there to encourage the complete opposites

Manage this truth however works for you

Good god woman. Calm down. Your child is 4 and you're worrying because other children are getting an award and the teacher doesn't talk enough to you? It's the teacher's decision, not yours who gets the award. Just let the teacher do her job and focus on something else. School is going to be very hard for you and your son if you don't.

She may not have kept a record of who's had it, or the record is still at school. Just drop an email to ask if it's possible he could have it some time soon as he's aware he hasn't had it and is upset.

Oh please don’t email the teacher begging for an award!

Why don't you just award him 'star of the week'? At your house. You could ice a star on a biscuit or give him a star sticker, find an appropriate song etc. You've been doing his work with him. You are the person he sees so you are the most qualified to award it.

Beyond this, though, it is his learning that is invaluable. No one can take this away. And somewhere down the line it will be recognised.

You nearly cried because your 4 year old didn't get the star of the week?

Have you actually heard yourself?

This post makes you sound a bit crazy OP, please don't contact the teacher. If your son is progressing steadily that's all you need to worry about.

Well I'm a teacher and would be perfectly ok with a parent emailing me to ask if there child could have the award because they hadn't had it yet,which is why I suggested it! It might be an oversight on my part which I would want to be corrected. If there's a reason they haven't had it, like there are still 10 children who haven't had one and they will all get their turn, I would share that with the parent.

their child

I don't do star of the week or anything as I think it is actually counter productive. But FYI most teachers I know have a check sheet and every pupil will ed up getting the award. The reasons they receive it are very loosely based on something the teacher saw that week. It could have been a kid who finds settling into carpet time difficult but managed it once that week eg. You sound like you're doing a great job with your kid, try not to take things personally.

There are some parents I find easier to talk to casually at pick up time (this won't ever be about school unless there is a specific incident). Some parents are hard to chat to, don't look into things or take things personally, you're making a serious rod for you own back if you do. If you are actively seeking the teacher out to discuss progress at pick up then I'm not surprised she's trying to avoid you - if you have a concern make an appointment.

Also, I'd really avoid promising rewards for something that isn't always achievable, this is setting up for disappointment.

Chill

Ps If I received an email from a parent upset their child didn't get 'Star of the Week' I would think they were unhinged.

You need to address your own feelings of disappointment about this (frankly irrelevant) award and focus on building your own self-esteem, otherwise it will rub off on your child.

@Letsallscreamatthesistene, @Gizlotsmum, @Alwaystwomagpies, @OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe, @worldsworststepfordwife, @DippyAvocado, @ooooohbetty

I love you all! Being my first post at 1am, I don't expect any replies when I wake up the next day. Thank you so much, mummies, I feel so supported

Alll of you asked me to calm down otherwise will find the whole school life stressful and I totally agreed with you.

I AM stressed about DS, as being a summer born (only child), as we both work full time (so cannot dedicate more time to him than we wish), the every day school runs (plus real runs for us to catch the trains for work afterwards) lots more, but just every day life that normal people get!

At times, I feel I might be pushing DS too hard and I did that last night before bed :-(

I was thinking about this Star of the Week thing all day and managed to go off to the wrong direction...I had an argument with DH in front of DS (after DS failed to produce some maths work to my hash standards). We argued if we should increase his home school time and share it between us. I said to DH "you didn't help him do this and that", he then got upset and said he did, but..he is busy at work too and did the house renovation work for us (we just moved, and it is another whole drama with builders for 5months), he said I didn't set him a time table, I got angry and said I got conference calls all day, timetable won't work, need flexibility.. then we both said bla bla bla...as we continued...

DS cried..:-( He said you two stop talking to each other so loud.. one talking at a time not the same time, mama needs to say sorry to Baba, baba says sorry to mama, and say sorry to me...

I realized because of my stress, I passed it on to the entire family and made every body upset. More importantly, this is the first time I heard DS's feelings (bad ones, he is a happy boy) directly from him, and I was the one, created all this nonsense just for a stupid award!!

I apologized to him and DH and DH did the same. DS managed to smile again and moved on.

Hence my panic post at 1am and slept so badly last night zzzzz

I woke up this morning feeling guilty about my actions last night. After reading your comments, I decided to calm down, take a step back, have fun, and do what we can for home school.

I should focus on the positive sides of life that we are one happy family, son is doing well (he is a good baby), we finally moved and kind of finished this builder drama, we are all good!

As for the Star of the Week? Whether it is for good kid or bad kid, SCREW it.

Thank you so much again! Have a lovely weekend.

PS I will hand out a Kinder egg to DS for trying (whatever).

I think teachers try to give everyone star of the week at some point in the year. It’s u fortunate if your son is one of the last to get it. Maybe you can give home little rewards? Perhaps if you didn’t stress about it so much he wouldn’t either

As hard as it is try not to worry about star of the week. There are still quite a few weeks left before summer and that may be the reason he hasn't had it. It sounds like you're doing a fab job with the homeschooling and it will really help his learning. However, young kids learn through everything they do so if you want to relax a little then do. All the toys you have will teach him something and going for a walk will be just as good as all the work too.

No as a teacher I'd side with the parent on this one. At this age, none gets stars twice until they've all had it. It's that simple and that important. You want to reward good behaviour and encourage a live of learning. I'd speak to the head and gently raise your concern without making it sound like a complaint.

@DippyAvocado, thank you for your comments. Now I know from a teacher's perspective. I hesitated for a long time, but I always feel there's no harm for a frank conversation. I don't have issues with the teacher other than the limited updates I can get from her. I don't always need to know progress, I actually more keen on his behaviour such as if he is listening? If he happy? What did he do today? Any concerns etc.. Just hard to get things out given the limited face time i have with her. Parents evening is only 15 mins, and it went so quickly like 1 sec! Should I book an appointment to have a longer chat?

Well done Op for taking what everyone said onboard.
Your Ds and the whole family will be much happier if you manage to chill out a bit about school. Star of the week is a total farce in most schools anyway - there a sort of rota at DSs school to make sure they all get it at least once a term. The kids figured it out pretty quickly - especially when it was given to someone who had left the term before!!!

You definitely need to calm down a bit.

I think you are probably coming across as "that mum" and we have all come across one.
I'm not surprised the teacher is avoiding you. You need to teach your son that you can't always win rather than promise him something thats out of your control.

Glad you are feeling better OP!

Homeschooling is stressful - trying to find a balance of completing work but not going overboard (and I'm a teacher!) Sounds like you are doing a great job and I would definitely focus on rewards at home as it sounds like your DS is working really hard!

I would also think about other activities you can use as learning experiences such as cooking, creating an obstacle course, nature walk etc

@mdh2020, but it is approaching the end of year now and the previous winners keep having it repeatedly. No idea, but I don't care anymore. Thanks for your comment.