Class teacher issues

[lovehissmile]

Hello mums

Hope you all coping well with the lockdown. Been a big fan of Mumsnet, got lots useful advice from you all, never feel like I had to post something until...

DS is at Reception in a State school (August born, might not be relevant). He enjoyed his school and seems to like his class teacher.

We both work full-time, so son goes to BC and ASC most days in a week. However, I always tried to attend his Friday reading session and pick up at 3:30pm on the same day and Parents evenings to ensure I can see his class teacher for updates.

The teacher is in her 20s, newish to teaching. She seems loving and caring and son likes her. But...i strongly feel she avoids conversation with me when i turn up for pickup (zero word with husband so far). For example, avoid my keen eye contacts as I approached her for a conversation, she would turn her back to me or (pretend) to do something??? When I actually can catch her, she would not say more than 2 sentences then cut it short??She never gave me any face to face updates except once when DS just started school (I take it as it is mandatory for all parents). But, she always have long conversations with other parents. As for DS, I attended a couple of sit in classes, and felt her interaction with/attention to DS was next to nothing (didn't encourage him to answer questions, didn't check his class works, but she did that with other kids).

Today, I was really really upset :-(

We have been uploaded homework to tapestry through out the lockdown. Every Friday, the Star of the Week is announced. Well, all good. So we uploaded loads phonics, maths, reading, arts and crafts, etc every week for at least 2 -4 times a week.

I promised to get DS a kinder egg if he got the award and used that as an encouragement for home schooling. He really buys that and wants to be the star of the week. To add, this award is a continuous from week 1 at school.

He has never got one from his teacher. I am only aware of this thing from overheard conversations from the teacher and other parents like before Christmas. Don't know what qualify for that, but DS told me the kids got it "listen to instructions, being kind, line up properly etc".

Anyways, during lockdown, looking at the comments on Taspastry, the kids got it because they do the addition and subtraction, make something, writing cooking ingredients etc. So I feel it is doable and really want to help him to "win" once for encouragement.

To add, we have been consistently uploading the similar quality of work every week with different subjects.

This week, I uploaded pictures and videos of him of the following:

1. a picture of 24 Oxford Reading Tree Band 2 books with him in it along a video of him reading it (as he completed it)
2. a picture and video showing he learnt sizes and measurements (16 pages completed of a workbook)
3. 5 mathematic worksheet (30 questions each sheet showing his correct and wrong answers, 80% accuracy, and his rework on wrong answers)
4. A science experiments video as a"wild" factor.

She commentted positively and gave the thumb up. But, then gave the award to another person because : keeping up with learning (didn't specify what), made a playdough caterpillar and wrote sentences using tricky words.

As far as I know, its not the first time this child gets star of the week, so as other previous "winners".

I nearly cried. I was upset, angry, annoyed, disappointed.... Don't get me wrong! I am happy for the kid and whoever gets it. I am just confused why HE never has one. I just wanted him to be encouraged and felt a bit of pride as a result if his good actions. I just wanted his teacher sees his progress (he could only draw circles when joining school, in her own words, in a parent's evening).

I did thought about send her a message, but don't want to feel like asking for an award :-(

Is it not enough? What can I do differently?

In the kindest way OP you sound a little full on (this is understandable and of course, your child is incredibly important) so the teacher may be avoiding you for this reason. DS is one of at least 30 in his class so she won’t be able to constantly give you her undivided attention, especially if you over emphasise things that, in the grand scheme of the million things she has to do, are small.
If you’re upset about the star of the week then message and ask her if she would consider him.
Sometimes, parents don’t see the bigger picture and can catastrophise things due to their worries about their child. Try to relax a little if you can, a chilled approach is always more effective. Going to her Head will not get you what you want, you do not want to alienate her, you need her on side.

@veryvery yes, will get him one today. We (or I) plan to make a yummy chocolate cake and will need some help from DS, right? Thanks for your comments

It sounds like you were already having a bad day and star of the week was the straw that broke the camels back. We all have days where it's all overwhelming and the smallest thing can tip the scales. It sounds like you are a really caring and involved parent. I once approached my childs teacher at pick up after I had attended a funeral to ask why my child didnt have as many stars as everyone else when they worked hard and behaved well and I burst into tears - I felt so silly after. You could send a polite email enquiring but then if your child got a star award next week you would wonder if it was only awarded to appease you.

@Lolliloo1234 yes, I do realize its only Reception, and these are small things and how busy a school teacher is. I admit that I keep a very close eye on DS on nearly everything and as you can imagine school is top priority on my list anyways. But, i am slowly learning to adjust and adapt. Definitely need to calm down

OP, if you're not hearing any reports at the end of the day you can be fairly assured that your child is doing just fine. Teachers generally don't stop parents at the end of the day to say little x listened really well today. Unless you have major concerns I would leave it, it wouldn't be the norm to have an arranged meeting with a parent of a child to discuss their progress if there were no concerns.

Usually no news is good news! Some parents dread to see a teacher coming every afternoon if they have to discuss an incident or behavioural issues. As teachers, even with these types of children you don't report back every single small incident unless it is warranted.

My advice is to smile and say hello to the teacher and make it clear you aren't trying to start a chat about progress.

@wastingtimeworrying that was exactly my dilemma to msg the teacher.But teachers here say they don't mind..I see your point about the number of stars, it is something hanging at the back of my head. I now adjusted to if he gets his normal range of stars or points, I don't ask further.

@saoirse7 thanks for your advice. I kind of figured it out it is the way as you described. So I actively use the "formal " communication channel to "test the water" by uploading DS's school work to try get feedback from her. Is this the right way?

Hope you feel better today! Sounds like it all got on top of you yesterday. I’m a teacher & a parent so here’s my experience fwiw. The rewards etc are really for the children that find it hard at school - as others have said x who normally won’t engage with number work but does one task will get it, the child who loves numbers and breezes through the tasks won’t. My dd never got told off at primary (like actually not one negative comment ever) but hardly ever got any rewards, she found it deeply unjust at the time, but understood when it was explained to her. Personally I hate star of the week, and I gave it to each child on a rota - some had a longer wait! I also think it can give a false perception to the parents of an otherwise ‘naughty’ child who gets it!
As a teacher, there are definitely parents I avoid, the ones who write ridiculous emails, I obviously answer but 🙄. There are some I just like more and feel more on the same wavelength as. Some are annoying, some are lovely, some are nasty, some have a weird perception of their own child... The parents that approach convos from an accusatory angle much harder to deal with than those that want to ‘work together’. I’m sure most people feel this. I also know which kids are being well supported at home and don’t need anything extra from me at the moment- I am concerned when they are doing too much though.

In summary it sounds like you are doing a great job - I think you’ve already realised you don’t need a star to confirm this! ⭐️!

@Gizlotsmum nothing particularly in mind, i maybe too used to his nursery style of communication at the end of each day and the pictures and lengthly write ups on progress etc. It is normally Fri PM, and son is not that bothered as I do for the Star of the week thing. I think I just got over the top and yes, I can't help to be full on. Will learn to adjust myself and achieve a balance.

I meant to arrange a meeting for progress updates ( in ref to your initial post). It is hard to give in-depth feedback marking via online platforms, especially for a reception child who has completed work to a high standard beyond saying 'Absolutely excellent work! You have shown you can use full stops correctly 👍' a R child wouldn't be able to read half of those words so extensive marking is pointless.

I'm confused as to what want in regard to feedback, I would never see a parent submitting work as a plea for a progress report. You'll get an end of year report with in-depth feedback of progress. Like I say, unless there is a concern I wouldn't expect to hear from the teacher with regards progress.

Your child is lucky to have you supporting him, relax a little!

@sittinonthefloor Yes feel better. I guess I would not be too bothered about the Star of the Week itself, but more worry the reasons why he doesn't get it. I am an OP, but a working together type of OP ( does it make it better?) At the end of the day, I just want DS to achieve what is expected and with a little stretch if possible. That is honestly my objectives for him, which i feel is reasonable.

I maybe too used to his nursery style of communication that the end of day chats, the regular lengthy write ups, pictures and videos. I know it is impossible to get the same from school. Just the drop is like from 100 to 10 made me feel a bit helpless.

I still keen to get some regular feedback from his teacher. As I realized face to face doesn't work, I actively upload his work on the app to get feedback. Yes for confirmation but also checking we are on the right track to support him (not just for lockdown homeschool, hut in general). I am happy to get just 1 ponit from her like try writing sentences with tricky words. I will go off to do it. Just that I found it hard to get the points across so have to read guidance myself to get going. However, i would love it to be more specific. I don't need lengthly write ups, just useful 1-2points a term. Does it sound a lot?

I completely agree with sittin you have to realise that there are usually 30 children in a class and 39 weeks of teaching. Everyone should get the star of the week at least once but they are trying to encourage certain children to behave in a particular way, for reception that is sometimes merely sitting at a desk and doing what is asked with little distraction as possible.

You have no idea what children's home lives are and whether them just being able to sit at a desk for 20 minutes is an incredible achievement for that child. They may have SEN, attachment disorder, divorcing parents, a dad in prison, anything, their dog could have died and they are struggling in school. Rewards are given for the most ridiculous reasons sometimes. Occasionally a teacher will single out a child that they want to reward that week and spend the week trying to find the one thing that child did right! Because they want to focus on the positive. Set the tone for if you do X then you get rewarded.

My sons are teenagers now but I volunteer in a primary so I still see this. Parental rewards are far better than school rewards. If your son wasn't encouraged to work in a classroom it is probably because he is more capable than you think, plus maybe a teacher is wary of a parent in their classroom because the vast majority of parents are all defensive with the whole why did you pick on my child stance.

Just because someone is a good teacher does not mean they are great with parents. It can be very daunting.

Ds2 was overlooked all the way through primary with rewards and star of the week etc, but in year 6 won the academic achievement for being an outstanding high achiever. It was a shock at leavers' assembly. In secondary he is regularly rewarded and singled out by his head of year and the principal. So it all pays off in the end.

Create your own reward system at home, stickers, bubble mix, a funky pencil are all winners.

This seems huge to right now, just like when a baby rolls over or walks for the first time. But you will move on, it is fine to care, that is ultimately what this is, you caring about your son. Don't worry about working full time, teachers have children and work full time. Be kind to yourself.

i cant blame u, i think its important to share the love amongst all children, to encourage the poor ones and to reassure the good ones to keep going.

Do u feel u r putting a lot of pressure on her by being there every friday? I taught children for a year and some parents are very intimidating. Being there to observe is extremely uncomfortable, please reduce the number of times you show up for feedback.

The more u complain, the more barriers you'll create for your child. Be moderate, at this moment, u dont appear to be.

@saoirse7 I don't mean lengthly reports on an app. Say I upload some addtion and subtraction works within 20. He obviously will get some wrong (especially within 11-20) and is shown to the teacher on the app.

I am trying to get some feedback from her on how to tackle the wrong ones. So maybe she could say :try counting down in your head without physically counting fingers and toes. Or try to use a number line to help with minus... I only need 1 point as advice as direction of support. I can and have been googling and YouTube, but I prefer to stick with his teacher's method.

It is really hard.. Especially if you aren't there everyday. It is very different from nursery. If there was an issue the teacher would ask to see you and you sound like you have realised yesterday was a bit of a rant and will adjust.. Which is all you can do.. School is a learning curve for all of us...

I would email her with the request about how to help with the subtraction, you may find that she hasn't fed back because she doesn't expect 100% correct yet...

Just as an aside OP, I think you were right to give your ds his Kinder egg for effort rather than outcome.

It's generally considered the most useful way to motivate children - you praise them for the bit they can do something about (how much effort they put it) and don't rely on arbitrary external rewards (star of the week).

You sound very intense. The teacher probably is avoiding getting into a conversation with you in all honesty. You know after school she will be in meetings and have loads of work to do, she tired and wants a quick brew before she gets to her meeting.
How about greeting her with a cheery smile and hello and not getting into a conversation. You don't need an update every time. That's just strange and really OTT

Can I ask something that might not come across the right way?
You referred to you and dad as “mama and baba”. Are you Chinese?
Are you being a bit “tiger mummy” here about your 4 year old’s education and the expectations you might have in regards to his teachers and his achievements?
I don’t mean to be offensive, but could it be a cultural mis-alignment?

With regard to the end of day chats, my son's school and the one I work at does parent chats by arrangement or in the 15 mins before registration. After school they want the kids to leave asap so will (politely) discourage conversation. Your son's school should have communicated this more clearly though if that's their policy.

If a parent said to me that their child was keen to win SOTW and you wanted to check they hadn't been missed I wouldn't mind, as long as they were nice about it. I do keep a list but mistakes can happen.

OP I wrote a post last year expressing surprise that DD's teacher had virtually nothing to say about her at parents evening early in the term and received similar advice to some of the reponses you've received here, i.e. no news is good news. Feedback on her academic progress was positive and I understand that if a child isn't struggling then a teacher won't have a great deal to say but I still found it disconcerting that my daughter's teacher didn't seem to have a single observation about her personally.

At her second parent's evening I specifically asked about her friendships, if she was playing nicely (kindness is a big thing for us adn her Y1 teacher pointed to a couple of small issues around her behaviour in the playground with a couple of other kids). Her teacher responded that DD doesn't ever tell her if there are problems with other children so "either everything is ok or she just doesn't want to talk to me about it, I really don't know". She is a really lovely woman but I kept thinking roll on Y3. I also know I'm comparing her unfavourably to DD's amazing Reception & Y1 teachers.

So I do understand why you'd be upset at the lack of conversation. However I agree that you need to chill out a bit with the workload which honestly sounds a little intense for a child in Reception.

For what it's worth, during lockdown DD's teachers have sent out a newsletter each week praising specific children for work they've completed. DD hasn't been mentioned once despite also completeing the same tasks and it does rankle a tiny bit but I tell myself there are much bigger things to worry about:)

@chunkyriverfish thanks for your encouragement (to me :-)). I do understand how busy a primary school teachers are and therefore actually do not expect a lot. I have a friend too who is teaching reception, and I was shocked by the hours and amount of work demanded from teachers. Yesterday, I was probably over the top! I made the right decision to come to this forum. Hearing from you all, really made me relaxed and adjust my expectations vand approaches to DS' s school life.Thanks a lot for your comments.

I am a teacher and a mum to two small children in reception and year one. It's unfair that your child hasn't got star of the week. I usually keep a record and then ensure all the class get one. But also I give my own a small prize on a Friday (poundshop) for good behaviour work being kind etc. Could you get something for him like that ?

@Gizlotsmum DS's school doesn't give out teacher's emails as far as I know. However , will definitely change my way of communication to her or teachers going forward. I feel like I was so silly to let this get me yesterday. Don't regret coming here at 1am asking for help, thanks a lot!

@Bflatmajorsharp yes yes, lessons learnt! I should focus on things that can be controlled by myself. Thanks for your comments