Advice: Husband accidentally let him cry for 30 minutes and he won't settle now.

[Firstimemam]

Just a bit of a back story, I never let my child cry, I don't believe in it and don't like it, so he knows when he cries or calls for us, we're there. He's 15 months, clever, beautiful - god don't we love our children??

It took me a long time to do gentle sleep training but eventually, he now puts himself to sleep by himself at nap time and in the evening. Yesterday, my DH put our child to sleep, came downstairs, we had dinner (the monitor was right next to him), plugged in but he never turned it on. Dinner was done, I walked up the stairs and my child was wailing, I've never seen him in a state like this, so distraught, he kept making that breathing sound for ages after he had calmed down. It took me another 2 hours to settle him to go to sleep and I knew when I went downstairs that my OH has destroyed all the hard work I have put in for months and months, so it nap time today came, the same routine as every day and he screamed his head off when I left the room, I tried for 2h to get him to sleep but ended up giving up. It's almost 4pm and my 15 months old has not had a nap.

I have to do it all over again and I'm so distraught over it, I'm now taking the next three days off work because I'm so upset over it all and I can't help but resent my OH For doing this even though it was an honest mistake.

& please don't try telling me this is not the reason why he didn't settle for his nap today, I know it is the reason. No point in even posting this but had to let it all out.

Thanks everyone, clearly I am overreacting reading all your responses.

I am very routine driven and like a solid routine, even if my own routine gets thrown over, I struggle, so that's where this may all come from. I had bad PND but that cleared, the current situation may not be helping aka not being able to socialise at all.

He used to nap in the pram and I was so proud of all of us for him napping in the bed, all my himself. Don't worry about DH, I know he didn't mean to, I'm not mean towards him or anything like that. I told him I've forgiven him which I have but still a bit bitter on the inside - does that make sense? I haven't had a week off since September and been really stressed out about work, so yes, I'm overreacting but I believe the break from work to spend quality time with toddler will also be good.

" I'm now taking the next three days off work because I'm so upset over it all"

How did you not hear him? Do you live in a mansion with sound proofed walls between rooms?!

Have you considered that you being distraught is the reason he won't nap?

You've told him you've forgiven him?! What the fuck?! What is there to forgive? Your child cried for a bit and nobody heard him. What harm do you think has been done? You can't always control everything with regard to your child. What's going to happen when your child develops a mind of his own?

Its actually both of your fault, you didn't hear him either but quite aside from that it's really REALLY not a big deal.

I told him I've forgiven him

Why would he need your forgiveness he didn't do anything wrong neither of you noticed it wasn't switched on or that he was crying?? Surely it was a simple mistake and no one needs forgiveness??

Glad to see your response OP - please do consider reaching out for extra help, this is a really tough time for all of us and it sounds like you could do with a little more support.

You’re colleagues must hate you, 3 days emergency leave for absolutely nothing, dumping them with extra work when they’re probably pretty stressed out themselves too. But hey yeah fuck everyone else my toddler didn’t nap properly so I need 3 days to recover.

Cop onto yourself before you give yourself a heart attack with the stress.

Total overreaction

1. Unless you live in a high mansion you would have heard the baby cry without a monitor

2, taking three days of work is a massive overreaction to the situation 3 if you are always going to have problems if you don’t let them cry a bit, but go running at every murmur, but each to their own 4 I am sure he didn’t deliberately forget to turn the monitor on, and anyway why didn’t you check? Most seem to have a light showing they are on 5 calm down

Why can't dh get him back into the routine? And in the nicest possible way, don't overreact. Is your dh normally the voice of reason? If so, listen to him. This is an anxious time for all of us! One night won't have ruined his routine so don't let him pick up on your anxiety. And a routine shouldn't take months of work, that does't sound fun at all.

And 3 days off work - for that? What the hell would you do if something with getting upset about actually happened if this is how you react to something as minor as this?

Now taking time off to have quality toddler time?

We’d all like to do things like that.

Meanwhile. Back in the real world...

You have forgiven him? One day you will take your eye off the ball and your ds will fall over and graze his knee etc. All perfectly normal. But when this happens you won't need forgiving either because accidents happen. Alarm bells ring for me with your constant statements about YOUR 15 month year old. He is your oh's 15 month old too. You come across as very controlling and I think you need to try not to be for the sake of your relationship or you will hit crisis at some point

I totally get it and think those accusing you of being anxious as if it is an insult are a bit ott to be honest.

If he’s sleeping badly you are, and this feels so much worse from the perspective of someone who is overwhelmed, over tired and feeling guilty for “letting” their child cry so long unattended and unheard.

It’s an unfortunate accident and I’m sure there’s no lasting damage. Lots of reassurance and stick to your routine and it will be ok by this time next week. Enjoy a few days off, make sure you get some time to yourself and try not to over think it.

I know in the moment bedtime & naptime routine can be all consuming but I promise in a few years time you will look back at this complete over reaction and laugh.

Not the point I know, but how big is your house that you can't hear a screaming child for half an hour?

To be fair I live in a house with a flying freehold above my neighbours, this means that the toddler's room is above our neighbour so I wouldn't always be able to hear her cry if I was in a downstairs room on the opposite side of the house.

OP, I think you're overreacting just a bit, your baby will be picking up on your tensions around nap time so maybe hand over to OH and let him settle the baby for their nap?

I can understand it’s upsetting, but taking three days off work and acting like it’s the end of the world is a MASSIVE overreaction. How do you know DS was crying for the whole 30 minutes? Sometimes my daughter, who is a similar age, will wake up and INSTANTLY start wailing. It could be that he’d only just woken up.

It was an honest mistake and your DS will be absolutely fine. Honest.

This has got to be a wind up

Also, how did you not hear DS? We don’t even need to use a monitor in our house as we can hear DD from any room. Unless your house is enormous I don’t see how you couldn’t have heard him.

In any case, it’s really not a big deal. It may seem upsetting now, especially if you’re already anxious and sleep deprived. But it is NOT the end of the world. Be kind to yourself and DH.

You are, with all the good will in the world, being absolutely ridiculous.

The toddler cried. That's all. It's not caused him any long term damage.

You don't need to take three days off work because your toddler cried.

Your husband hasn't neglected, abused or harmed the toddler in any way, shape or form.

And if you think this is distressing, you need to read up on the reasons why toddlers cry. Giving them a biscuit when they said they wanted a biscuit, stopping them from eating an armchair, singing Ring a Ring of roses when they wanted to sing Ring a Rose of Roses or you didn't fall down quickly enough, crying because you came running when they cried - you have a whole world of crying to come.

Might be a plan to resign from work now, really. Because there is no way you can stop a child from crying.

Three days off work?
OH has destroyed all the hard work I have put in for months and months
And you couldn’t hear a screaming child?
I know you say you have a strict routine OP but honestly that really makes child rearing very hard work. Your child is both of your’s child, DH made a minor error, not a big deal in most people’s eyes. Poor chap having to be ‘forgiven’ 😳.
There are going to be umpteen minor bumps, accidents and mistakes in the years to come.

I think you need to give yourself a slap and pull yourself back into the real world. Unbelievable reaction. And your husband doesn’t need forgiveness, he’s done nothing wrong.

Neurotic parents create neurotic children.

Hi all,

I get that people are nothing but honest but the abuse from some isn't making things easier for me to be honest... to say something like: your colleagues must hate you... I have 35 holidays left because I haven't taken any days and it has finally calmed down and there is nothing for them to take over, so no, nobody is going to hate me.

I was very distraught finding my child so distraught, he apologised and I forgave him. I would have apologised as well. When my child fell over the other day and I didn't manage to catch him in time and he got a bruise on his head, I apologised to DH and he forgave me. I think that's just perspective. I love my DH very much and we don't argue much, Max like 1x every three months and we have a very very happy relationship, he's the man of my dreams, has been for 8 years and will always be, this is making me sound like I'm a monster which I'm really not. Haven't we all overreacted before?

And yes, I am a very anxious person but I'm also tired, overworked and I was so happy for us to be in the place we were in. I will take a step back, the time off will help me and DS. In addition, getting help is also not very easy in these times as all of you may know.

Thanks for everyone's input, I get the point that I'm overreacting.

Oh, and by taking that time off work, you've messed up your toddler's routine. Expect crying.

Being so rigid and stressed could be feeding into your child. Sometimes anxiety breeds anxiety. Don't spend two hours trying to get him to nap. If he doesn't go down just get back up again and carry on with your day. Nothing terrible will happen if a 15mo goes without a nap or has a short nap one day.

I mean this kindly, but you are going to drive yourself crazy if you aren't flexible about stuff. And your stress will be radiating out of you. Sleep is not linear, it doesn't change because he was crying for 20 mins or whatever one evening.