Advice: Husband accidentally let him cry for 30 minutes and he won't settle now.

[Firstimemam]

Just a bit of a back story, I never let my child cry, I don't believe in it and don't like it, so he knows when he cries or calls for us, we're there. He's 15 months, clever, beautiful - god don't we love our children??

It took me a long time to do gentle sleep training but eventually, he now puts himself to sleep by himself at nap time and in the evening. Yesterday, my DH put our child to sleep, came downstairs, we had dinner (the monitor was right next to him), plugged in but he never turned it on. Dinner was done, I walked up the stairs and my child was wailing, I've never seen him in a state like this, so distraught, he kept making that breathing sound for ages after he had calmed down. It took me another 2 hours to settle him to go to sleep and I knew when I went downstairs that my OH has destroyed all the hard work I have put in for months and months, so it nap time today came, the same routine as every day and he screamed his head off when I left the room, I tried for 2h to get him to sleep but ended up giving up. It's almost 4pm and my 15 months old has not had a nap.

I have to do it all over again and I'm so distraught over it, I'm now taking the next three days off work because I'm so upset over it all and I can't help but resent my OH For doing this even though it was an honest mistake.

& please don't try telling me this is not the reason why he didn't settle for his nap today, I know it is the reason. No point in even posting this but had to let it all out.

Oh how we didn't hear him: we're in a town house and he's on the third floor - the ventilator was on.

Also, sorry for so many messages but you are all right, me stressing will project onto my DS. Not sure how to not stress though. I sound like an awful person, I'm really not that awful x

I'm glad you've recognised you are being unreasonable but I dont think all this needing to forgive each other stuff is healthy. You are parents, equal parents, and your child will cry, get injured and hurt themselves as they grow setting an expectation that this perfectly normal behaviour needs to be forgiven by the parent not on watch is madness!

Your child fell over and you felt the need to apologise to your dh and he forgave you? He forgot to turn on a monitor and you’ve now forgiven him for his mistake. I find this all very odd. That’s just life... things happen. I think this lockdown is affecting you both as things are being blown out of proportion. Maybe try and get some time to yourselves over the next few days as you need to chill.

OP all this apologising and forgiving stuff between you and your husband seems really OTT and weird. Kids cry! Kids fall over! You're putting way too much pressure on each other, there's no need for all the handwringing and self-flagelation, it's super unhealthy.

Why do you go running to him every time he makes a sound? My youngest always had a little grizzle before falling asleep, there was nothing wrong with him. He's not a newborn and you don't know how long he was crying for. I couldn't parent if it meant having my baby constantly stuck with me, mine got used to lying in their Moses baskets awake and having naps in there for my sanity, sometimes they cried before they fell asleep! They are now 6&4 and they are fine, not traumatised at all!

Honestly, if neither of you heard your DS crying, it's very unlikely he was hysterically upset for the whole 30 minutes - it probably only took a couple of minutes for him to get worked up if he's used to you running to him the minute he makes a sound! He's not going to be traumatised. Give yourself a break.

How do you know it was 30 minutes?
And how thick are your walls that you can't hear anything without the monitor?

Cross posted about the house - but still, a furious toddler is pretty loud

I was brought up by strict parents who believed in allowing a baby to cry. There were routine times for changing, bathing, feeding and so on. The philosophy was that a baby should not be allowed to dominate the entire household with whinging to attention when they had been changed, fed and burped.

There are people now all these do gooders who say it leads to low self esteem if you leave your kids to cry when you KNOW there is nothing seriously wrong.

What a load of tosh.

Not surprising that kids today are such a bunch of over privilaged princes and princesses.

but still, a furious toddler is pretty loud grin

Aint that the truth! Haven't needed to use the monitor since he was about 12 months old- I am pretty sure they can hear him on the space station.

I hope he settles soon. Your baby is going to cry lots as he grows up. It isn't a sign of failure on your part.

Why would you apologise to your DH for your child falling over? That's what kids do, why does everything have to be a massive deal?

Perhaps it's not the being left to cry that's upset him. Perhaps whatever woke him in the first instance is still bothering him. Just go back to what you were doing and seee how it goes. Either way I wouldn't blame it on being left to cry for 30 minutes. It really won't be that big a deal for him in the context of a loving family. I think in your shoes I think really long and hard about a second as this level of anxiety and overthinking just can't be maintained with more than 1 kid really.

Yes, I'll speak to DH about apologising because no clue why we do, we just do if that makes sense but we are genuinely happy. And yes, I'm just realising how how much I let my child determine my / our life. Just had a massive cry and feeling better and will try to be more flexible, less controlling and not get so stressed out. It's good to hear other people's perspectives because sometimes you're so stuck in a rut without talking to anyone about anything like that, this is our normal whereas I believe things have to change in my household coming from me, my OH is very laid back anyway.

Im saying this as someone who treated my daughters sleep routine like a military operation - this is absolute madness.

Also you cannot possibly know he was crying for thirty minutes. Surely he has cried where you couldn't instantly console him before (teething etc) it doesn't take a long time for small children to work themselves up into a state. It could have been a few minutes for all you know.

@Firstimemam, I think your DH needs to take over and do the sleep training again. I think he should be the one to put him to bed tonight, nt you
You sound burnt out, exhausted and at the end of your tether. If your dh is at nice as you say, he shold be proposing to you to look after his dc so yoiu can rest. And you should let him.
Alternatively, you should demnad he steps up so you can recover so of your energy during those 3 days off work.

this is our normal whereas I believe things have to change in my household coming from me

That sounds like a great step forward. It can be hard to see what's normal and it's positive you have recognised just how abnormal your reaction have been. Hopefully this is the start of a much less stressful life.

not letting your child cry pft I feel sorry for all of you

Sleep is definitely one of those things where it's easy to lose perspective and obsess a bit! I find life got easier when I just accepted whatever was going on with it for what it was: a phase. We are co-sleeping at 14mo when she slept alone (as in in her own cot) from birth till ~13 months but I figure that's just what she needs right now so I'm not stressing about it. It'll change again some day!

How do you know he crying for 30 minutes?

here's a biscuit. You are being pathetic. Put your big girl pants on and grow up

You’ve had a massive cry and feel better now?

Tells you a lot really?

It’s healthy to cry. You sound insanely strict, it’s not healthy at all.

3 days off work!

I've heard it all now!

I think it's time you took a few days off, but not for the DC, he'll be fine. For you.
You need a break, stress is getting to you.
Take some time to chill, OP, it will do you a power of good.