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Parenting

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Original poster

9 year old ds is a compulsive liar

54 replies

16more · 03/05/2020 16:07

My son will not stop lying about absolutely everything and is so unbelievably rude and argumentative. At first it was silly little things. Now it’s getting more serious and the lies are getting bigger. I’m so worried about how it’s going to escalate as he’s only 9 what’s he going to be lying about when he’s 13! He gets caught out and digs himself even deeper. Because of something he lied about on Friday, which was the worst yet, he had to stay in his room on Saturday which he was devastated about but still hasn’t learned his lesson as today we’ve had battle after battle about the lies. I really don’t know how to handle this. He just doesn’t seem to care about consequences - only in the moment. I keep thinking I must be doing something seriously wrong or he must be in a horrible environment but I really can’t put my finger on what’s wrong. Last night we had a lovely chat and spoke about his feelings etc and I thought we’d turned a bit of a corner but nope. Sorry this is so long, it’s not even the top of ice berg really.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

poolsofsunshine · 03/05/2020 16:13

Children lie for a reason. Punishing makes them lie more, in the hopes of not being caught.

You need to work out why he's lying. Some lying is developmentally normal but experimental lying usually wears off by 9.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 03/05/2020 16:16

This sort of lying is usually pathological, there's often a psychological component. Has he had any therapy? It sounds like that could help.

Landlubber2019 · 03/05/2020 16:16

Sorry to read this, but I think most children lie, mine do. But then I lie....do you not?

When people ask how i am, fine I reply.... This may not be true

Someone recently said to me " we should go out" I replied "sounds good" because I didn't want to hurt that persons feelings in saying no, but the reality is we are unlikely to go out....and that's ok

My children will lie about stuff and its my job to catch them out.... As long as its not bad stuff, I accept that they lie and so do I and I just accept this x

Don't worry, don't make it a biggie and don't let it punish your child to a degree that your relationship suffers x

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Windyatthebeach · 03/05/2020 16:19

Imo punishing a dc by making them stay in their room is cruel...
You risk long term damage to his mh and your relationship with him..

Desmondo2016 · 03/05/2020 16:19

I think him having to stay in his room all day is an extremely cruel punishment. I'm not sure how many lies a 9 year old could actually tell that were so believable they actually caused issues? Could you not just ignore them ? I would try completely changing your reaction/behaviour around it for a while and then you may get a clearer picture of what lies he's telling, why and how you can help him. Ie is he doing it for attention,or is it a pathological problem that may need some specialist intervention.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 03/05/2020 16:20

landlubber i think OP is talking about more than the odd lie about who ate the last cookie though, she's talking about compulsive lying, which is unacceptable in children or adults.

Original poster

16more · 03/05/2020 16:57

Well he is 9 years old, was allowed to ride his bike in front of the house for half an hour in his own. When I went out to find him he was gone. I knocked on the neighbours door who’s son he is friends with and he told me they’d ridden their bikes to the next village (which his son is allowed to do). My son is absolutely not at 9 years old allowed to ride to another village unaccompanied without permission full stop. Let alone in a pandemic when we’re not even meant to be socialising, so yeh I think that warrants him spending a day in his bedroom and is not a little lie. This is was I’m worried about, if he would do that and be punished, then still lie. What on earth is going on?

OP posts:

Original poster

16more · 03/05/2020 17:00

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow he hasn’t had therapy but I am leaning towards that. I don’t know what else to do. He’s not lying about little things he’s lying about things that he’s done which aren’t allowed, today he went in the garden and came back covered in paint. He said it’d fallen on him. After a few hours he confessed to getting the paint out and using it on something in the garden, it’s stuff like that all the time. It was DPs paint and he’s been warned about touching his work stuff loads of times but doesn’t listen.

OP posts:

KingaRoo · 03/05/2020 17:02

So what was the lie? Did he say he hadn't gone to the next village?

I have zero tolerance for lying. Honesty and integrity is so important and the basis for good relationships in life.

I don't lie and don't accept my DC lying to me either. They know that if they have done something wrong they can come to me and tell me and I won't get cross. If they lie about something or try to hide it and I find out, they are punished. In our house that means no screen time for a certain time and they also have to apologise.

So it is in their interests to own up and be honest about things they have done wrong.

Original poster

16more · 03/05/2020 17:03

@kingaroo yes he lied and said he was only round the corner. He didn’t realise I’d already spoken to the other boys dad and been out looking for him

OP posts:

Original poster

16more · 03/05/2020 17:04

I have tried taking electronics away etc but He just isn’t bothered. the only thing he cares about is his bike. So him not being able to go outside on his bike is all I can do really

OP posts:

poolsofsunshine · 03/05/2020 17:06

Is he lying because he's afraid of being punished?

It sounds as though his impulse control might actually be the problem.

Punishing without addressing the issues making him lie is making him lie more. He's probably got into the habit of lying because you apply arbitrary hefty punishments. A whole day in his room is a very long time and doesn't address what actually happened. All you do is show him he needs to come up with a better life next time.

AmandaHoldensLips · 03/05/2020 17:09

Have you told him the story about the boy who cried wolf? I think kids have an entirely different concept of what lying means and how seriously adults take it.

My godson was (and still is) the most awful liar. It makes him pretty unpleasant to spent time with.

poolsofsunshine · 03/05/2020 17:09

Does he understand why riding his bike to the next village without permission or telling you was a problem?

Does he understand why using his dad's work materials is wrong?

Do you give him a chance to make things right instead of punishing?

Original poster

16more · 03/05/2020 17:13

@poolsofsunshine yes he knows to both of those. But he thinks he knows better than us and can do what he wants anyway. Spending the day in his room was a last resort as I think what he did was so serious. and just for the record I gave him plenty of activities, he was by no means stuck in there with nothing to do or no way to entertain himself.

OP posts:

00100001 · 03/05/2020 17:17

"After a few hours he confessed to getting the paint out and using it on something in the garden, it’s stuff like that all the time. It was DPs paint and he’s been warned about touching his work stuff loads of times but doesn’t listen"

So did you acknowledge and/or praise him for telling the truth.... Or punish him for it?

fronttoback · 03/05/2020 17:20

He is lying because he is afraid of being told off / punished for something he's done, so he lies to cover it up.

For a short while I did this when I was about that age. My parents sat me down, and told me in no uncertain terms that no matter whatever I did that was wrong, they would always be much more angry about the lie than the misdemeanour. The lie itself was what I would be told off for.

They also explained how important it was to always tell the truth, because if people thought you were an habitual liar, they would not believe you when you told the truth about something really important.

There are few things worse than telling the truth and not being believed.

Does he know the story about the boy who cried wolf?

mklanch · 03/05/2020 17:21

my brother was like this growing up and still is (hes 23 now), he learnt it of my mum as she also lied about everything.
he was also very aggressive and hyper as a kid and would literally make our lives hell. the worst thing was my mum always stuck up for him so he never felt like he needed to stop
my suggestion to you would be to take him to some counselling to try and figure the cause and try and help him to stop lying before its to late.
could he have learnt this behaviour from another family member?

mklanch · 03/05/2020 17:27

the people on here saying he lies because he is scared have no clue.
those sort of liars are normal. its the liars that literally lie about everything for no reason that are the problem.
my brother once told everyone he got awarded a trophy for helping a family in a fire.my whole family believed him. but the trophy he was showing everyone was on my dad found in a house (he does house clearance), it wasnt until my nan was telling us how amazing it was that me and my sister told her that he was lying and it was just found in a house.
one time he came home with a bunch of vegetables and fruit from the market and told everyone he got it for helping out, my and my sister didn't believe him so refused to eat it. came to find out he actually got the box out the bin, the fruit and veg stall throw away all the spoilt fruit or the stuff that falls onto the floor.
the list goes on for him lies. and have gotten worst as hes gotten older.
if he was telling me the socks he was wearing are green i wouldn't believe him. thats how much he lies.

poolsofsunshine · 03/05/2020 17:30

16more my youngest is 9. I can't imagine making any of my children stay in their room all day.

We've always worked on the "my job as a parent is to keep you safe while you're a child and help you grow up to be a good adult able to look after yourself" approach. If one of them does something dangerous or damaging I make sure they can tell me why it was dangerous or damaging and repair the damage - pay for the paint out of pocket money or birthday money because dad needs it for work, to earn the money to pay for food and bills, write a note to the neighbour's son explaining he won't be able to play out on his bike for the rest of lockdown because he forgot that he isn't allowed to go on bike rides without telling you, because you worry about him and wouldn't know where he was in an accident, and because mixing households isn't allowed because the covid-19 bits speads like that, and because X, y,z...

You can teach impulse control to some degree but it also comes with age. I think this is your real issue, not the lying. The lying is a response to your parenting, which is a response to his impulse control issues.

Original poster

16more · 03/05/2020 17:31

The thing is how do you separate punishment for lying, and punishment for the thing that they’ve done wrong and then lied about? He wasn’t punished further as I already knew he was lying and I took his bike off him.

OP posts:

Mkh873w · 03/05/2020 17:33

Is there anything else going on? ADHD? PDA?

fronttoback · 03/05/2020 17:35

How do you separate the punishment? You don't - you punish for the lie only and you make it very clear that the punishment would have been far less harsh had he only told the truth in the first place.

poolsofsunshine · 03/05/2020 17:37

16more you don't punish.

You help him understand that actions have consequences.

The consequence of riding his bike to the next village without telling you is not being allowed out on his bike without you watching him until such and such a date.

The consequence of lying is your disappointment and sadness at not being able to trust him to tell the truth, and if you like also writing an apology letter to you or an explanation letter to the neighbour (which will be somewhat embarrassing but also clarify in his head the reasons why what he did was wrong).

Fanthorpe · 03/05/2020 17:38

It sounds like he has poor impulse control, he’s focused on getting what he wants and then tries to ‘ make it right’ afterwards. For him, ‘making it right’ means denying it altogether.

Was peer pressure an issue with going off on his bike? Or would he have been trying to impress someone? How’s his self-esteem? Does he chat with you or his dad, spend time with you? Does he get to make choices about his life?

Some people do just tell lies, but I think it’s a good idea to try and get to the root of his behaviour before he alienates people. Punishment for this behaviour might reduce it but it’s better to look at why he feels the need to do so.

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