9 year old ds is a compulsive liar

[16more]

My son will not stop lying about absolutely everything and is so unbelievably rude and argumentative. At first it was silly little things. Now it’s getting more serious and the lies are getting bigger. I’m so worried about how it’s going to escalate as he’s only 9 what’s he going to be lying about when he’s 13! He gets caught out and digs himself even deeper. Because of something he lied about on Friday, which was the worst yet, he had to stay in his room on Saturday which he was devastated about but still hasn’t learned his lesson as today we’ve had battle after battle about the lies. I really don’t know how to handle this. He just doesn’t seem to care about consequences - only in the moment. I keep thinking I must be doing something seriously wrong or he must be in a horrible environment but I really can’t put my finger on what’s wrong. Last night we had a lovely chat and spoke about his feelings etc and I thought we’d turned a bit of a corner but nope. Sorry this is so long, it’s not even the top of ice berg really.

Op ... What did you do when your son told the truth about the paint???

It’s really important to not punish when telling the truth. I’d try and say something along the lines of - if you tell me the truth now x won’t happen. Or if I find out this is a lie then you will lose your Xbox for the day.

But if he tells the truth straight away ie getting paint over himself, don’t punish him just say - thank you for telling me the truth, that was the right thing to do. Please don’t touch the paint again though because xyz.

He sounds like he’s lying to avoid punishment, so by punishing him for the act when he tells the truth, is basically punishing him for telling the truth and rewarding lying - this then increases the chance he will lie again and less likely he will tell the truth.

Trust. Does he understand that you need to be able to trust him? A lesson on trust and it’s importance might be useful.

Maybe tell him you are worried for him. Tell him that him riding a bike to the next village can bet him injured. Be very brutal about the dangers. Tell him if he falls or is kidnapped no one will know where he is and be looking for him. Tell him you will be very sad, crying and missing him a lot. Tell him you love him a lot and that it is breaking your heart that he leaves without telling you.

As for paint - maybe his dad can do the same. Tell him the paint is very important for his work, and that if it gets damaged, daddy will be sad and unable to work and in trouble.

Does he have enough "daredevil" games in his life? Does he go on adventures, have a chance to get messy (makes me think him playing with the paint may have been him either trying to imitate his dad or just being bored). (sorry if this is not relevant, it just crossed my mind).

I'd connect his wrongdoing, with your feelings. He loves you, and he needs to realise that by his acts he is hurting you.

As for the lying I would not address that now. The lying will go away when the real problem is addressed - him doing things you tell him not to (he then lies about not doing it, but if he does not do things he is not allowed he will have nothing to lie about).