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Parenting

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Original poster

First baby, worried about gender?

63 replies

KAD14 · 03/05/2020 15:34

Okay so....we are trying to conceive our first child. My husband has 3 boys from a previous relationship. I have no children of my own.

I have always dreamed of having girls and because my husband already has boys he’d love a girl too.

I was raised by my single Mum and she is absolutely my best friend. We are really close, talk all the time and love going out for days together. I really hope I have a girl so I could have the same relationship with my daughter.

My question is, is it possible to have the same type of relationship with a son? I mean as they grow up? I’ve always thought when boys become men they have less to do with their Mother’s and eventually if they get married they’d spend more time with the wife’s family. As generally daughters are closer to their Mum.

The thought of not having the same kind of relationship with my child, that I have with my Mum fills be with dread. And I genuinely worry it won’t the the same if I don’t have a girl. It really scares me that my husband can only produce boys??

Am I being stupid? What experience do people with adult sons have? Is it the same as a Mother/Daughter relationship?

Thanks

OP posts:

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Strangerthanstrange · 03/05/2020 15:37

You play a massive part in determining the relationship you would have with your adult children. I would imagine if a child grew up always feeling like a disappointment then your relationship wouldn't be that great. HTH.

Mrsfrumble · 03/05/2020 15:45

I would imagine if a child grew up always feeling like a disappointment then your relationship wouldn't be that great.

Yep, this ^^.

I think the “boys aren’t as close to their mums” thing is a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s also possible for a DIL and MIL to have a great relationship.

If it helps you to know, both of my brothers are closer to my mum than I am.

SuperficialSuzie · 03/05/2020 15:48

What Stranger said.

I have one of each, I'm equally close to both of them. I would hate to be a child who felt like a disappointment because he was a boy.

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Soontobe60 · 03/05/2020 15:48

Well, seeing as you have absolutely no way of influencing the SEX of any children you have, you have two choices. Either get over yourself and be happy with either sex or forget having a child completely if having a boy would cause you so much angst.

SuperficialSuzie · 03/05/2020 15:49

YY to MrsFrumble - gender stereotypes can be self fulfilling if they are repeatedly pushed on people.

TARSCOUT · 03/05/2020 15:50

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope all goes well and you have a happy and healthy baby.

TARSCOUT · 03/05/2020 15:50

Scrap that you aren't pregnant yet fgs.

StirCrazy2020 · 03/05/2020 15:51

Boys are great! Mine are bookish nerds likee, give great hugs and make me cups of tea. If I could have a guaranteed girl on a future pregnancy not that I've got time I honestly wouldn't bother. In fact during lockdown my house has been an oasis of calm pottering.

Dangerousminds · 03/05/2020 15:51

My brothers pop in and see my mum most days, much more than I do! If you have a girl there’s no guarantee you’ll be ‘best friends’ either.

K1999 · 03/05/2020 15:51

Say that to my brother who worshipped my mum! Even now she's passed away he talks about her every day. Took care of her when she was dying, made her dinner, the works. They were closer than even me and my mum and we were super close

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/05/2020 15:52

Just because you have a daughter it doesn't mean you'll have the same relationship as you and your mum have. You know, because you aren't your mum and your daughter isn't you.

You can have close relationships with sons just as you can with daughters. You can have more distant relationships with daughters as with sons.

I don't think you should contemplate having a baby unless you can truly be happy with either sex.

firstimemamma · 03/05/2020 15:57

Unfortunately there is lots of stereotyping in our society that conditions us to believe that having a boy is somehow 'second best' or 'just not the same'. In my opinion it's not true and lots of boys and men have great relationships with their mums. My fiancé is one of 4 boys and they all adore their mum to pieces.

I have a boy and I absolutely love being a boy mum. I actually wanted my first child to be a boy and was delighted when I found out my wish was coming true - I know this makes me a real outsider in the world of mumsnet but it's just how I feel.

A child of either sex is a blessing.

DramaAlpaca · 03/05/2020 15:59

I have three adult sons, I'm very close to all of them in different ways and we talk a lot and spend time together, or did before lockdown. I don't have a daughter so I can't compare, but while I think a mother/daughter relationship might've been different, I can't imagine how it could be any better than my relationship with my boys.

It's quite concerning that you'd consider having a child when the sex of that potential child bothers you so much.

maria860 · 03/05/2020 15:59

I've got three boys I raised them alone after their dad left my oldest two are at seniors my little one is seven. I can honestly say I'm closer to my own boys than I probably was to my own mother at their age.
They are so loving always asking if I'm ok and say you look beautiful etc we have lovely chats all the time. My oldest is 14 still come and hugs me everyday their all quite sheltered as they don't play out and things like some kids around here but I've bought them up well to respect women and respect each other.
They fight now and again but I have to say for boys their really good to each other and very close like best friends.
I always wanted a girl but I accepted I was a boy mom and completely happy with that as we are so close.
I'm not actually having a girl and I'm over the moon but was also a little sad I won't hold a sweet baby boy.
Your relationship is what you make it and all my brothers are still close to my mom we all are so I think the daughter thing isn't always set in stone so try to be happy with a boy as you would a girl.

Original poster

KAD14 · 03/05/2020 16:00

Thanks for your responses. It’s so lovely to hear from those who have great relationships with their sons. I’m sure it’s because it’s so different to what I know, so it worries me, and the thought of not being close to my future child is heartbreaking.

Who knows what the future will bring!

OP posts:

maria860 · 03/05/2020 16:02

It meant to say I'm now having a girl * also agree above post about stereotyping and I would rather have three boys then three girls any day of the week

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 03/05/2020 16:07

If you wouldn’t be happy with a child of either sex, please don’t have one. All babies are unique and you can’t predict a fantastic, best friend relationship just because you’ve had a girl. My DD is a complete Mummy’s girl but her ‘best friends’ in the family are my dad and my sister.

I’m expecting another girl in September and people are already asking how DH will cope being outnumbered. Exactly like he copes now. Brilliantly because he knows you can play with cars and bricks even if you have a girl. If we were expecting a boy, I would have done all of the same things I do with DD.

LolaSmiles · 03/05/2020 16:07

My brothers pop in and see my mum most days, much more than I do! If you have a girl there’s no guarantee you’ll be ‘best friends’ either
I was going to say the same.

I do worry that there's a bit of self-fulfilling prophecy that happens where people idealise this mum and daughter best friends forever relationship, whilst also promoting the Mum and son oh no we'll never be close and then he'll dare to meet a woman and I'll no longer be the main woman in his life story.

DH gets on brilliantly with his mum, as do I.
I also know a lot of unhealthy mother/daughter relationships and some of them are strained precisely because of the mum pushing to be their daughter's BFF for life.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 03/05/2020 16:11

They are so loving always asking if I'm ok and say you look beautiful etc we have lovely chats all the time.

You’ve got loving children. Their sex has nothing to do with it. My DD is the same. I can’t stand the ‘boys are more loving’ crap you hear (looking at you, colleague) because it’s nothing to do with what’s between their legs.

mightym · 03/05/2020 16:11

My DH is really close to his mum, as is his brother (and sister). We spend more time with his family than mine. Really don't worry about it!

Dangerousminds · 03/05/2020 16:15

I didn’t realize wanting girls so badly was a thing until I joined Mumsnet! I would have been happy either way of course but secretly was hoping for boys, which I now have and they’re the best!

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 03/05/2020 16:20

secretly was hoping for boys, which I now have and they’re the best!

You’d have probably said the same if you had had girls. Everyone thinks their children are the best. My DD is the best. If I’d had a boy, he would have been the best. I can’t wait for my next DD but if I’d been told I was having a boy, I wouldn’t be able to wait for him.

Please can we all stop saying that our children’s genitals decide if they’re loving or caring or the best friend you’ve ever had. They don’t!

Healthyandhappy · 03/05/2020 16:22

Buy an ovulation kit I used it twice and have 2 girls everyone I know who used clear blue also have girls

Pinkblueberry · 03/05/2020 16:24

The thought of not having the same kind of relationship with my child, that I have with my Mum fills be with dread.

It’s lovely that you have such a close relationship with your mum, but that’s never guaranteed just because your child is a girl. Plenty of mums and daughters don’t get on. Plenty of sons and mums do. I think this is a futile thing to worry about. Your daughter could turn out to be very much a ‘daddy’s girl’. You could completely clash with your daughter, as many mums and daughters do. Obviously we want to have great relationships with our children l, that’s always the hope and the plan - but I don’t think it’s wise to give birth with intention of creating a life long friend for ourselves. That’s putting a lot of pressure on the child too. I would be weary of ‘trying to hard’ if you do have a daughter.

Alonelonelyloner · 03/05/2020 16:29

I have daughters and I have sons.
I am also a daughter.

Being a daughter does not give one a good relationship with one's mother. You are lucky. Many aren't. Many don't care.

You are just as likely to have a good relationship with a son as a daughter. Seriously. That's on you not their chromosomes.

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