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Original poster

First baby, worried about gender?

63 replies

KAD14 · 03/05/2020 15:34

Okay so....we are trying to conceive our first child. My husband has 3 boys from a previous relationship. I have no children of my own.

I have always dreamed of having girls and because my husband already has boys he’d love a girl too.

I was raised by my single Mum and she is absolutely my best friend. We are really close, talk all the time and love going out for days together. I really hope I have a girl so I could have the same relationship with my daughter.

My question is, is it possible to have the same type of relationship with a son? I mean as they grow up? I’ve always thought when boys become men they have less to do with their Mother’s and eventually if they get married they’d spend more time with the wife’s family. As generally daughters are closer to their Mum.

The thought of not having the same kind of relationship with my child, that I have with my Mum fills be with dread. And I genuinely worry it won’t the the same if I don’t have a girl. It really scares me that my husband can only produce boys??

Am I being stupid? What experience do people with adult sons have? Is it the same as a Mother/Daughter relationship?

Thanks

OP posts:

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Meredithgrey1 · 03/05/2020 16:32

DH is much closer to MIL than I am to my mum. I'm probably closer to MIL than I am to my own mum! Yes, maybe it's a bit more likely that girls are closer to their mums but there are so many exceptions I don't think you need to worry about it.

LolaSmiles · 03/05/2020 16:41

but I don’t think it’s wise to give birth with intention of creating a life long friend for ourselves. That’s putting a lot of pressure on the child too
I've seen relationships get strained due to the parent wanting a life long buddy from their child.
I've seen men end up in conflict with their mums because mum doesn't like the fact her little boy has cut the apron strings. Their mum ends up orchestrating some weird pick me competition where they try to drive a wedge between their little boy and his wife because obviously the wife has never liked mummy, why wouldn't wife want my unsolicited advice on parenting, I wasn't meaning to be nosy but (insert nosy questions here)

I've also seen women ending up tangled in guilt and other negative emotions from a complicated and unhealthy relationship with their mum who seemed to think there were conditions in the relationship, one of which was being a BFF. Eg Mum expecting mother's day to be making a huge fuss all about her even when the adult children have their own children, Mum getting stroppy about being left out of things if siblings do something together without them, overstepping boundaries by seeking more information on private matters, deciding they're going to be their daughter's birthing partner or first to see baby etc.

I've also seen poor relationships with dads too but have shared ones for mums because the OP will be a mum.

PatchworkElmer · 03/05/2020 16:59

@LolaSmiles, have you met my MIL?

Seriously OP, these outdated stereotypes are so flipping damaging. Every child is different. It’s bizarre that people get so wound up about whether their child has a penis or vagina.

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harper30 · 03/05/2020 16:59

I think it's strange that you find it 'heartbreaking' to think that you won't have a good relationship with a future child that you've not even conceived yet?
I'm sure quite a lot of people have some idea in their head of what sex child they might prefer, for whatever reason, but all children are unique and lovely and a lot of the time their sex has absolutely nothing to do with it.
My DP always imagined having a little boy to play football with etc and we had a DD, and he's obsessed with her and now can't imagine it any other way.
You can't plan to have a child to be your best friend as PPs have said, your job is to be their parent first and, again, for that their sex doesn't matter.

userabcname · 03/05/2020 17:00

If you don't want a boy then don't ttc. I've seen gender disappointment absolutely ruin one of my friends - he's now 3 and she is still not over the fact he's not a girl. Also sperm determines sex so the fact your partner has only boys suggests another boy is likely.

therealmrshardy · 03/05/2020 17:03

I have 1 son and 2 daughters. You determine your relationship with them. My relationship is the same with all 3 of mine, the older 2 are both equally loving and cuddly. However if you’ll be heartbroken about having a boy then I think that will show and your relationship won’t be good because he will know you’d rather have had a girl.

stairgates · 03/05/2020 17:06

Boys are absolutely awesome! and so are girls :) The best site I found for helping to sway gender through mums diet is the genderdreaming site but if you are pg already then congratulations! I say treat children how you would like to be treated and you will have an amazing relationship with whoever joins you, goodluck with your pregnancy!

LolaSmiles · 03/05/2020 17:07

PatchworkElmer It depends, are you my friend
Friend finds that MIL always has some sort of emergency that must be attended to by friend's husband even though she has other adult children closer. The difference between friend's husband and MIL's other children is that her other children continue to play the game of best mates with mummy.

Bubbletrouble43 · 03/05/2020 17:09

In our family my dB is closer to my mum as they have sooo much in common ( literature, history, academia, hobbies) and I always was more like my dad ( outdoorsy, sport, music taste, humour etc) though we all get on great. There's far more to it than the sex of your child.

Dangerousminds · 03/05/2020 17:17

@BeingATwatItsABingThing yes I’m well aware of that, thanks. In fact that was exactly the point I was making.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 03/05/2020 17:25

@Dangerousminds

How was that the point you were making? You ‘secretly wished for boys’ and got boys. You claim they are the best but do not clarify that that has anything to do with them as people instead of their genitalia. You secretly wishing for boys is the exact same as the OP wishing for a girl. I openly wished for a baby of either sex!

Dangerousminds · 03/05/2020 17:39

@beingatwatitsabingthing
Haha I’m sorry I didn’t realize I had to ‘clarify’ my posts to you. Of course they’re great as people regardless of their sex. Seriously you don’t know me, stop looking for an argument and move on, you’re preaching to the wrong person.

maria860 · 03/05/2020 17:42

@BeingATwatItsABingThing yes I get what you mean I'm just highlighting that boys can be just as great as girls and you can still have a close bond with a boy I'm not saying girls don't do this or that girls aren't equally as lovely.

maria860 · 03/05/2020 17:47

Also please just be grateful you can conceive if it happens my oldest brother can't have kids he wouldn't care what it was. Please don't be sad about having a boy

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 03/05/2020 17:49

@Dangerousminds
You don’t have to clarify your posts to me. I responded to your comment (as I’m allowed to do on an open forum) and then to your reply. The OP was talking about wanting a girl specifically so I am trying to make the point that any child is great. I’m sure your boys are lovely but at no point in your post did you say anything about if they had been girls.

@maria860
Absolutely! Boys or girls will be great and loving. That’s the message that should be spread by everyone. Children are great and loving. They’re their own little people as well as a product of their upbringing. That’s my point. Neither girls nor boys are ‘better’ than the other. They’re all amazing!

JKScot4 · 03/05/2020 17:53

I have 3DD, 1DS, my relationship with my girls are all individual, my DS is 20, live a at home, we are very close and have a great laugh together, likewise my Sil I get on great with, like another son.
It’s down to personalities, don’t get worried, enjoy your child.

MikeUniformMike · 03/05/2020 18:00

You are statistically more likely to have a boy OP.

QuixoticQuokka · 03/05/2020 18:03

I don't think the sex of the child matters. Anecdotally neither of my sisters nor myself get on very well with our mother, as she didn't with her mother. We all get on better with our father. My teenage DS and I are very close with much in common, people call him my 'mini me' and say we are more like brother and sister. 20 year age gap and it has always been just the two of us.

Ohhgreat · 03/05/2020 18:03

OP, your husband has 3 boys already, this makes it really quite likely that any child you have will also be a boy. You need to come to terms with that.
Of course boys can be close to their parents just like girls can.

Dangerousminds · 03/05/2020 18:03

I do get what you’re saying my post doesnt come across well or how I meant it. I’m so tired. Any child is great that is true and I am so grateful I could even have children. I was saying they are the best really to point out to Op that boys are great too. Of course if I had girls they would be the best too! A child is a child and I’m grateful for either.

Dangerousminds · 03/05/2020 18:04

Sorry that last post was to @BeingATwatItsABingThing

1forsorrow · 03/05/2020 18:05

Having had a 1 hr conversation with one son yesterday, 2nd son phoning me Friday, Saturday and today, 3rd son on the phone for 1.5 hrs today I think you can be close to sons. I am close to 2 of their partners, 1 is very quiet, solitary sort of person and we get on OK but I don't think I could say we are close. ExDIL lives closer to me than sons and she has been on the phone today as well.

I've found my sons loving and lovable.

Noworrieshere · 03/05/2020 18:06

What if you have a girl and your relationship is not like your relationship with your mum? There is every chance your relationship will be different, you will be two different people.

Nothing is guaranteed.

mencken · 03/05/2020 18:08

I am female. Had a perfectly normal childhood and very fond of my mum. But we are completely different people and that's fine. I would find the kind of relationship you had with your mother absolutely stifling.

your daughter may not share your interests. Your son may. Or neither may. They may emigrate. They may have a job that takes them beyond day trip distance.

You don't have children to provide yourself with friends!

SallyWD · 03/05/2020 18:09

It's really down to personality not sex. My DH is 40 and very close to his mum. They go on holidays together, have days out etc. My brothers are very close to my mum and spend a lot of time with her. I really don't think their relationship with her is any different to my relationship with her.

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