Non-Biological Father Being Unhelpful

[AmberLillyxx]

Sorry in advance for the long post...

My child's biological father hasn't been around since I first became pregnant, I looked after my son for the first 4 months by myself and have recently got in a relationship with a guy who I've known since I was a teenager (my son is now 6 months old). Obviously me and my new partner had the discussion before we got together and he said he was willing to take my son on as one of his own and wanted to help out.

The only thing I'm finding at the moment is that he doesn't help out at all but I feel terrible asking him for help because technically my son isn't his biological son.

My son wakes up either during the night or really early morning and I'm always the one that gets him, feeds him and puts him back to bed... along with this I get up with him in the morning whilst my partner stays in bed for a couple of hours, sometimes he's not even asleep, just laying on his phone even if he can hear my son crying and me struggling. My son had a really bad night last night and instead of napping when he does, my partner has now gone down for a nap just as my son has woken up and he expects me to make and put dinner on for us.

He is constantly on his Xbox even when he can hear me struggling or know stuff needs doing, he expects me to make him breakfast, lunch and dinner whilst he plays his games or watches TV and also do the housework... occasionally if I say something he will help out doing the housework but it's like he interacts with my son when it suits him!

My partner has a child of his own but she lives with her mum and he doesn't tend to see her too much. He always reminds me that he knows how to look after a child but I just don't know how to go about it as he's not my sons biological dad, should it be down to him to help out? Or should I just leave it and get on with it?

In a way it sounds like you were looking for some mug to move in and take over as your child’s father so you didn’t need to do all the childcare, and it’s massively backfired on you

This

I am just amazed/horrified that you have moved him in with your six month old baby! How could you be so selfish?!

I never mentioned that I had been sleeping with him, this definitely is not just a guy that I've let stay with me for sex

I say this gently, if it's not for sex, what are you getting from this relationship? It doesnt sound like you are getting much. In fact, it sounds more like hes willing to take you on as his own mother.

Oh dear. This is all kinds of messy. And very sad.

Op why on earth would you refer to him as a "non biological father"?

How has he earned the right to be called a father to your child, non biological or otherwise by his actions to date?

We have been in lockdown for five weeks or so? Does that mean you were in a relationship with him for two or three weeks when you asked him to move in with you?

Very ill thought out. Very unfair on your child. Very unfair on him as well. Yeah, he sounds a bit of a waster, especially re comments on his commitment to his other child ( that should have been a warning bell?) , but ultimately this one is on you I think.

I'd ask him to move out for now. If you need help can you ask family?

By all means continue the relationship casually for a bit until your get to know him better, but please don't get pregnant with him.

Slow down and do what's right for you and your baby

I’m guessing from your post that you are very young - maybe twenty one? If you’ve known your boyfriend for ten years, you probably met at the beginning of secondary school. The majority of women responding to your post are probably a fair bit older and more experienced than you. They know how situations like this play out. They are very worried about your baby. I know it’s difficult, but I think it’s really important you set aside your hurt feelings and take the advice you’ve been given.

Your baby’s father turned out to be the wrong person with whom to conceive. Please don’t let that set a precedent for the rest of your life, and accept any idiot into your life. You don’t need a partner at all, certainty not now, while your son is so new, tiny, and vulnerable. I’m afraid life may be tough for a while, as you will be a single mother. It’s hard work. But plenty have done it, in much more difficult circumstances than you. You need to have enough respect for your son and yourself to get rid of this boyfriend and devote yourself entirely to this tiny baby. I’m sure he’s worth it. That way, your future opens up to all sorts of wondrous possibilities. Who knows what wonderful, loving man you’ll meet one day? You won’t meet him if you stay with this dick head.

Exactly what @Orphlids said eloquently and kindly. OP what did you want out of this post? Ideas on how to get him step up when he hasn't with his biological child? Tips on training a man child?

Ive been you when younger and I get it to a certain extent but please promise me you'll dump this cocklodger and spend some significant single times where you work out what you need and deserve from a relationship, not just for you but to set an example to your son on how women should expect and deserve to be treated 😕 It is going to be so tough doing this alone and feeling lonely and unsupported etc but your son didn't ask to be born into this situation and you owe it to him to forget how tough it is and set an amazing example. Otherwise you're just allowing the cycle or having babies with the wrong person and walking away to continue 😔 You can make life better for yourself and your son, but you're going to have to take responsibility for bad decisions and step up- it's going to be horrible but doesn't your son deserve it? Don't you deserve a man who will be a partner? Don't you deserve an amazing relationship with your son and future grandkids rather than a child who follows the example his mum's boyfriends have shown him? This is the time to act- you can do it!

You don't need to have this idiot in your or your child's life. He sounds like another kid.

Are you desperate for a man in your life?

He's a terrible father to his own child. Why did you think he would be a better one to your child?

I've just read this 4page thread and it's not a good read either.

Op please tell me you've booted this useless man out of your home?