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Parenting

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Original poster

Non-Biological Father Being Unhelpful

85 replies

AmberLillyxx · 26/04/2020 15:42

Sorry in advance for the long post...

My child's biological father hasn't been around since I first became pregnant, I looked after my son for the first 4 months by myself and have recently got in a relationship with a guy who I've known since I was a teenager (my son is now 6 months old). Obviously me and my new partner had the discussion before we got together and he said he was willing to take my son on as one of his own and wanted to help out.

The only thing I'm finding at the moment is that he doesn't help out at all but I feel terrible asking him for help because technically my son isn't his biological son.

My son wakes up either during the night or really early morning and I'm always the one that gets him, feeds him and puts him back to bed... along with this I get up with him in the morning whilst my partner stays in bed for a couple of hours, sometimes he's not even asleep, just laying on his phone even if he can hear my son crying and me struggling. My son had a really bad night last night and instead of napping when he does, my partner has now gone down for a nap just as my son has woken up and he expects me to make and put dinner on for us.

He is constantly on his Xbox even when he can hear me struggling or know stuff needs doing, he expects me to make him breakfast, lunch and dinner whilst he plays his games or watches TV and also do the housework... occasionally if I say something he will help out doing the housework but it's like he interacts with my son when it suits him!

My partner has a child of his own but she lives with her mum and he doesn't tend to see her too much. He always reminds me that he knows how to look after a child but I just don't know how to go about it as he's not my sons biological dad, should it be down to him to help out? Or should I just leave it and get on with it?

OP posts:

LovingLola · 26/04/2020 16:16

This if what you yourself said about him. What responses were you expecting??

SavoyCabbage · 26/04/2020 16:16

Even without the not helping with the baby issue, he sounds like a bit of a loser.

Arsing round on his phone and playing on his Xbox. Having naps while you cook his meals.

Perhaps this level of 'parenting' is what his standard level is anyway as he doesn't see his daughter that much.

He needs to go back to his mam and when all this corona business is over and your baby is a bit older you can start to date him if that's what you still want then.

LovingLola · 26/04/2020 16:17

Is he giving you money?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3-6 months old 6-9 months old Babies & sleep Families

RedRed9 · 26/04/2020 16:17

he is with me at the moment due to the lockdown situation

Lockdown doesn’t mean you can’t now tell him to leave.

What kind of support specifically would you like? Because I’m 99% sure everyone here will support you in getting rid of him.

RoLaren · 26/04/2020 16:19

Statistically he is potentially the most dangerous person in your son's short life. Please God don't let your baby become a news story.

Smellbellina · 26/04/2020 16:25

The negative comments are about him, YOU and your son deserve better

titchy · 26/04/2020 16:25

He's not your child's father Ffs - he's a bloke you're shagging who you have very very very stupidly let move in with you. Boot him out and don't ever be so desperate for a man again.

Original poster

AmberLillyxx · 26/04/2020 16:27

Just a comment... I never mentioned that I had been sleeping with him, this definitely is not just a guy that I've let stay with me for sex

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 26/04/2020 16:27

I've known plenty of guys for 10 years. So what?

Doesn't mean I'll move them in after shagging them a few times.

And lockdown is a bullshit excuse. It's not like you're both locked in Alcatraz. He can move out.

SociallyDistant · 26/04/2020 16:28

Why are you allowing him to treat you like that? And I'm sorry but he's not the 'non-biological father's he's just your new boyfriend and you should not have moved him in. Put your child's stability and safety first ffs.

ElspethFlashman · 26/04/2020 16:28

he said he was willing to take my son on as one of his own

In fairness to him, he hasn't lied about this. He takes care of his own child the exact same way - by ignoring them most of the time!

rosiepony · 26/04/2020 16:29

sweetie you need to go without men for a while now and you need to put your son first. Kick this cocklodger out. He is not your partner or any kind of parent to your son, he is some guy you’ve been shagging.

Ruffins · 26/04/2020 16:30

I don't think a boyfriend of 2 months counts as a non-biological father.

This is a brand new relationship. I don't think you should expect him to act as a father to the child.

VettiyaIruken · 26/04/2020 16:30

So you do everything, he won't even help you out when you clearly need it but when people here say he's treating you badly and you don't need that in your life you turn on them?

MontysOarlock · 26/04/2020 16:30

Ignoring the fact that you moved him in quickly, so what if you have known him for 10 years.

He is an absolute cocklodger. What does he bring to the relationship except demands, demands that you should make his dinner, that you and only you are doing the housework.

What does he actually do in the house? Is he contributing financially?

nibdedibble · 26/04/2020 16:31

You’ll be able to gauge this better than we can but the way you describe him living with you while you do everything for him and he plays games all day makes me think he might be feeling very pleased at having landed on his feet for this lockdown period He sounds like a textbook cocklodger who has found a way into the life of someone he knows is maybe a bit vulnerable.

I could of course be far off the mark but this is how it reads the way you’ve described it.

Craiglang · 26/04/2020 16:31

I'm not really sure what kind of help or advice you were looking for. You've been in a relationship for two months, you have a baby, he doesn't help out. At two months in to a relationship, in normal circumstances, I wouldn't be expecting him to help me parent my child. He doesn't have any connection to the child. It's baffling to me that you moved in with him so fast when you had a baby to consider. He clearly thinks his behaviour is fine as he doesn't see his actual child, so of he's not bothered about his biological children, why on earth would he bother doing the hard graft of caring for a baby who isn't his?

Either accept this is how it is, talk to him and ask him to help more, or get rid.

helpmum2003 · 26/04/2020 16:32

OP i think it's difficult for anyone to find anything positive to say, they're not being purposefully unkind.

You are being taken advantage of - it would be a disservice to suggest otherwise.

Quarantina · 26/04/2020 16:34

If he isn't much of a father to his own child what made you think he'd be an active father for yours?

Pinkblueberry · 26/04/2020 16:37

I don't think a boyfriend of 2 months counts as a non-biological father.

No it’s not. And no sensible man would agree to being a child’s new ‘non-biological father’ after a few weeks of a relationship, whether you knew him and were friend before is completely irrelevant. Surely that’s a test to spot that he in fact really isn’t the right person to look after your child at best he’s just a silly young lad who’s really not thinking past the end of today, at worst he’s quite dangerous beyond what anyone really wants to imagine. You need to do some growing up and wisening up for the sake of your child.

MoonlightMistletoe · 26/04/2020 16:38

Sorry to be blunt but you can't expect this man to do the night feeds, get on with it.

If it's pissing you he's just laying around then tell him to get lost.

Pinkblueberry · 26/04/2020 16:40

In a way it sounds like you were looking for some mug to move in and take over as your child’s father so you didn’t need to do all the childcare, and it’s massively backfired on you.

MoonlightMistletoe · 26/04/2020 16:42

Reading further, it seems you just want the baby to have a dad. Honestly get rid of this guy, focus on your son and one day you will meet a better man.

firsttimemum30 · 26/04/2020 16:42

I third get rid.

KaptenKrusty · 26/04/2020 16:44

He does sound like a loser tbh - but he isn’t the child’s dad and really shouldn’t have to be Parent the child this early into a relationship? He should help look after you though - make your meals when you are clearly busy with baby !

Agree with others though - too soon to live together. You should focus on you and your baby!

I have a 13 year old step son - been in his life for 8 years - I would expect my husband to do most of the parenting - he’s not my child! I obviously look after him when needed and I love this child now, but - but when he is here, it’s mostly my husbands responsibility and I don’t contribute financially or anything to his child!

I think send this man away after lockdown and continue to date and get to know each other before moving in!!

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