Non-Biological Father Being Unhelpful

[AmberLillyxx]

Sorry in advance for the long post...

My child's biological father hasn't been around since I first became pregnant, I looked after my son for the first 4 months by myself and have recently got in a relationship with a guy who I've known since I was a teenager (my son is now 6 months old). Obviously me and my new partner had the discussion before we got together and he said he was willing to take my son on as one of his own and wanted to help out.

The only thing I'm finding at the moment is that he doesn't help out at all but I feel terrible asking him for help because technically my son isn't his biological son.

My son wakes up either during the night or really early morning and I'm always the one that gets him, feeds him and puts him back to bed... along with this I get up with him in the morning whilst my partner stays in bed for a couple of hours, sometimes he's not even asleep, just laying on his phone even if he can hear my son crying and me struggling. My son had a really bad night last night and instead of napping when he does, my partner has now gone down for a nap just as my son has woken up and he expects me to make and put dinner on for us.

He is constantly on his Xbox even when he can hear me struggling or know stuff needs doing, he expects me to make him breakfast, lunch and dinner whilst he plays his games or watches TV and also do the housework... occasionally if I say something he will help out doing the housework but it's like he interacts with my son when it suits him!

My partner has a child of his own but she lives with her mum and he doesn't tend to see her too much. He always reminds me that he knows how to look after a child but I just don't know how to go about it as he's not my sons biological dad, should it be down to him to help out? Or should I just leave it and get on with it?

Reading between the lines I feel like youve been treated badly before and you're so desperate to have someone and be in a relationship that you'll take whoever regardless of how bad they treat you. I think you need to lose him and work on your self esteem before you date again. This man doesnt love you or your son. He loves what you can do for him. Think about the lessons and values you want your son to grow up with and be selective about who you have around. Relationships should have mutual benefit. Xx

What the hell am I reading

I step-parent relationship has to build slowly. It’s easier with an baby, but it’s still not something you can rush.

The fact that you are doing all the non-baby related tasks is a huge issue. You need to talk to him about that. He either starts doing half of all non-child related chores tomorrow or he leaves.

My partner has a child of his own but she lives with her mum and he doesn't tend to see her too much.

He's not a partner - you've been with him for barely 8 weeks. He's a boyfriend at best. And by the sounds of it he's a shit father.

He always reminds me that he knows how to look after a child

Really? Would that be the child that he rarely sees? If so then exactly how does he know?

I just don't know how to go about it as he's not my sons biological dad

He's not anything to your son. And after 8 weeks of being with you he's certainly not his Dad.

I've got jars in the fridge older than your current relationship. What on earth were you thinking moving this man in when you've only been dating for 5 minutes?

Obviously me and my new partner had the discussion before we got together and he said he was willing to take my son on as one of his own and wanted to help out.

Hardly reassuring bearing in mind he doesn't see his own child.

Boot him out and concentrate on your child. If you want to carry on dating him then do, but he sounds like a complete loser - doesn't see his own kid, dosses about gaming and is lazy in the house. Raise your standards.

Hey OP,

You had a baby four months ago and another one moved in.

You can't care for two kids. Kick him to the curb, you've only been together two months and he is giving you nothing. He wont ever give you anything.

Rather you than me OP. Hes taking you for a mug.

Get shot of this loser asap your son is your priority. He is a cocklodger of the highest order.

Hes not your babys father in any sense whatsoever. Hes your new boyfriend and hes literally treating you like his mummy/slave.
Im sorry OP, but this wont get better. Maybe you were better off as friends

I appreciate you think people are being harsh and horrible, but it's because we find the situation you have described so extreme and shocking.

You are rapidly finding out that there is a very big difference between being friends with someone and being romantically involved with them. Even without having a small baby to care for, moving in with a boyfriend after a couple of months is very very fast. Bring a baby into the mix and it's a disaster waiting to happen. Small babies place an incredible strain on solid relationship - you don't have to hang around on the Relationships thread before that becomes very clear.

At very best, you have both moved too fast and he's still catching up with the whole caring for a baby thing. Although if he already has a child, he should know better. At worst, and you may think this harsh, but he saw you coming a mile off and thought, desperate single Mum, I'm in there, she'll do everything for me.

I think the best thing you can do now, is to return to your previous housing arrangements if you can. There's nothing in COVID rules to prevent this. Tell him, it's not working, you've both moved too fast and you need to put some distance between you for a while. Doesn't stop you continuing with the relationship and getting to know each other romantically (although he's done himself no favours with how he's been treating you). If he's like this right at the begining of your relationship - doesn't look good. If you want my honest opinion, he's not the man for you. Put it down to experience and move him out.

He sounds like a shit dad to his own kid don’t expect him to step up for yours

he expects me to make him breakfast, lunch and dinner whilst he plays his games or watches TV and also do the housework...

Regardless of your baby and his amazing stepdad skills, regardless of the length of the relationship - why are you putting up with this? Kick him to the kerb for this alone. He’s a lazy arse who doesn’t respect you.

How can any woman call their boyfriend of 2 months 'non biological father' of their baby 🤦🏼‍♀️

My son gets up early, wakes up in the night, needs help going to the loo, having a bath, getting dressed etc. I wouldn’t expect my boyfriend to do it because he’s not his Dad, yes if he offers any help that’s great, but it certainly isn’t expected.

The lack of housework is a completely separate issue to your issues with boundaries.

He is not your baby's father. You are putting your son at risk to play out your happy family dream. Move him out and put your son first.

You might have known him as a 'friend' for years but you have only known him on a deeper level for 5 minutes. Moving him in was very irresponsible.

As for expecting support, the reason you aren't getting any is because what you have done is wrong. There is no way of sugar coating it.

He’s not the non-biological father, he’s your very new boyfriend.
Get rid (and in the meantime don’t get pregnant).

Your expectations were to high. Non-biological father is usually a term used to refer to an adoptive parent, not a recently acquired boyfriend.

You need to set the bar very high for someone to get that parenting role.
Pleas don’t try to make every causal boyfriend become a parent. It’s okay now because Your son doesn’t know, but it will be damaging when he is older.

Imagine if a friend was staying with you, they would help a little with the baby wouldn’t they, ask what they can do, offer to let you have a nap during the day?

This guy wants nothing at all to do with your baby. He isn’t the non biological father, he is a new boyfriend who sounds like he can’t be bothered with the hassle of a small child.

You need to be honest about what you expect from him, I suspect he doesn’t see his role in the same way you do.

I would ask him to leave and concentrate on my son.

He's a shit dad to his own child. So what on earth makes you think he'd be a dad to your child, after a few weeks shacked up together? Dump the cocklodger. You, and your child, deserve better.

Everything aside, why are you together? Just that.

Stop seeing the negative comments as attacks and take the fucking advice. People are speaking to you this way in the hope that it will be a huge wakeup call!

You've acted irresponsibly by moving this man into your home after only 2 months! I can't understand how you would possibly trust this person with your tiny baby!

Take note of the comments on this thread and get this man out of your life ASAP!

Being friends with someone and being in a relationship with them are 2 different things

Given his poor parenting history he probably thinks he's acting like dad of the year - id lower your expectations if I were you

Wouldn't matter if I had known him 10 years or 20 years I wouldn't be moving him in and having him play "daddy" after 8 weeks

Sounds like you've got yourself another good one there OP

What made you think he’d be a better dad to your son than his actual real daughter? Ah let me guess, his ex is the problem? I think you’ve worked out now that he is the problem and you’re the mug

Obviously me and my new partner had the discussion before we got together and he said he was willing to take my son on as one of his own and wanted to help out.

You’ve been together for 2 months? 😂

Sorry but how can you expect anyone to commit to being a step parent in such a short time frame, 8 weeks? Your child, your responsibility frankly. It should be you looking after your baby, and tbh why does your boyfriend even live with you? Why did he move in so quickly? Does he have nowhere else to live? Very odd set up.