Can't shift this feeling about breast feeding

[Ginandtonic31]

I just wondered if anybody else ever felt this way and can tell me eventually the thoughts get better. I am an anxious person anyway so I'm probably making a bigger deal than most to start with.

My baby is 6 weeks and before having her I said I would try and breast feed but I wasn't feeding biased - if she needed formula not a problem. So I breast fed her and her latch was brilliant but she was difficult to feed in the day as she slept so much and at night fed constantly from 12-7 for two weeks. After two weeks she had lost 11% birth weight and we got sent to hospital. They suggested my milk was slow coming in (due to a lot of blood loss at birth) and to pump and top her up with that after a breast feed until it came in better. I was so exhausted and beaten however I went home and just pumped and fed and never put her on the breast again. We then got her onto formula. I was fine with that at first as life got easier and I started to enjoy my baby.

However, 4 weeks later I regret it so much. I was so beaten and exhausted I made a decision for me and not my baby. I look back and think if only I had tried harder I could have done it, I was selfish. I know it takes 6 weeks to establish and now at the 6 week mark i can't help thinking we would have cracked it by now. I wish I could watch my baby grow from my milk. I just feel like I'm pumping her full of rubbish even though HV has told me it's not rubbish at all. I worry she's over feeding as at 6 weeks she's quite often taking 7oz bottles and 40ish oz in a 24 hour period. She's gone from 8lb 1 at birth to 11lb at 6 weeks. I keep being told in online baby groups she's over feeding and will result in being obese which is making me anxious as she did gain a lb in one week and is now so chunky (I know babies need to grow!)

Basically I'm just generally anxious about her feeding and I've spoken to HV and feel better for an hour then start worrying again. I'm torturing myself that I'm not breast feeding her and over feeding. She's got reflux and on anti reflux formula which sometimes makes her constipated. I keep telling myself these wouldn't be issues if I had fed her myself.

Did anyone else feel similar around breast feeding and get over it? X

Please stop beating yourself up. Have you spoken to the hv about how you are feeling in general? Sounds like you could have pnd and anxiety.

You are not harming your child. You are feeding and nurturing your child.

As for the reflux. I breastfed my ds and he had horrendous reflux for 4 years. It was nothing to do with how he was fed. I am breastfeeding my dd and she also has reflux so please don't blame yourself for it.

OP, I am sending you a hug. I was unable to breast feed either of my babies fully, and had to switch to formula as they were losing weight.
I remember that feeling of failure, of being miserable and beating myself up as an awful mother, etc, etc.
But now, 30 years later, I look at my thriving, beautiful, intelligent, adult daughters - and think “What the hell was I so upset about?”
Please don’t get things out of proportion. You are tired and hormonal and at risk of becoming depressed if you obsess about breast feeding like this.
There is nothing wrong with formula milk - it is certainly not the poison that the breast feeding mafia would like you to think!
The vast majority of my age group were bottle fed, and we are the healthiest and longest lived generation in history.
Please listen to your health visitor, and to me (retired doctor) - you are doing a fine job as a mum, you just need to relax and enjoy your baby.

You're being too hard on yourself @Ginandtonic31 I had it in my head that I would try breastfeeding but would switch to formula if it didn't work, both me and DH were formula fed, and we're both healthy adults so never worried that it would be detrimental. Your baby is gaining weight which is the main measure of good health and development in newborns, if you're concerned about her putting on too much weight then speak to your HV or GP for advice.

I'm breastfeeding but my DD also has reflux and we've had to start giving her infant gaviscon. Babies get reflux because their digestive system are still developing regardless of whether they're on formula or breast milk.

There's always something to worry or feel guilty about as a new parent, but just try to enjoy your baby and share any concerns with GP or HV.

Thank you @Babdoc. Rationally I know what you're saying is right. And both myself and husband were formula fed and are functioning adults with degrees and good jobs etc. I think I would be dealing with it better if I wasn't worried she's over feeding because I've been told it will result in obesity which is worrying me. But I know in my head you're right.

@Pinkflipflop85 I do suffer with anxiety in general but normally I can just deal with it. Because this is about a precious person it bothers me. I'm also feeling worse as a friend with a newborn keeps telling me how well breastfeeding is going, how passionate she is about breastfeeding and not using formula, about how amazing it is when they grow and you know it's your milk that has done that and photos of how much milk she's pumped. Then I spiral again! It's like a kick in the teeth!!

I have spoken to HV about anxiety and she's given me all direct numbers if I'm worried and a text line number too. I don't feel like I've got PND as I'm generally happy and enjoying my baby (apart from being in lockdown) but I know the anxiety is there as I often find things to worry about regarding her.

I think in my head breastfeeding would be perfect and solve all her issues but I know each feeding type comes with it's own issues too.

It’s most certainly not too late to go back to exclusive breastfeeding if that’s what you want?

I am very pro breastfeeding but your friend is being a dick. I would mute her presence from social media for a while.

Don't blame yourself in the slightest OP, you had so much on your plate by the sound of things.

As an aside it is possible to reinstate lactation if you want to, especially when baby is so tiny and you haven't stopped breastfeeding that long ago. Although you would obviously need to continue with formula while you establish your supply.

I'm just wrangling my terrible two at the moment, but I will go and look shortly and see f I can find you a few links which might be a good start, should they be of interest.

You're doing an amazing job, those early days with a newborn are so hard, especially with coronavirus disrupting all the support networks that a new mama needs.

I also agree about muting your friend on SM at the moment, pics and comments like that don't help at all, and it's so important to look after your mental well-being as well as your baby

Don't be so hard on yourself OP! I was in a similar situation where i was advised to give DD some formula at 3 days old but then we fell into a formula trap and she had a bottle every day until she was formula fed only. I was gutted about the BF but I know she is getting all the nutrients she needs.
The thing is, your baby is gaining weight and thriving where they were losing weight before so you absolutely did the best thing for your baby!
Fed is best and your baby still gained so much from the breastMilk you did give. If anyone is making you feel bad, then they should do one quite frankly!!

before having her I said I would try and breast feed but I wasn't feeding biased - if she needed formula not a problem.

You had the right attitude from the very start! Please remember this and be kind to yourself.
Also, if that friend you speak of knows what you’re going through and is continually telling you things like that then they are not your friend. Distance yourself from that kind of talk.
Also it’s really hard to ‘overfeed’ a six week old, or a six month old for that matter. They are very good at knowing when they’re hungry. Formula won’t make a child obese - overfeeding food once weaned (whether from breastmilk or formula) is what makes children obese, and that’s entirely up to the parents. I hope your anxiety improves.

@HighInTheHills and @PinkyU I have thought about it but I sold my pump and we are concerned that she's obviously so hungry now that she would end up losing weight. And I just sort of feel she's sort of settled now apart from pushing like she's constipated. I think I know in my head formula was the right choice for my family, especially so my husband can feed her too, but my heart breaks when I look her taking the formula and not taking it from me. I think I know formula is best for her but I just worry about the over feeding and obesity thing. My mum tried for 6 weeks to feed me and still never established a supply sufficient enough to stop me losing weight and satisfy me so I fear I would end up trying again and inevitably end up formula feeding (especially when corona is over and she spends time with my parents) and just confusing the poor little thing.

I think feeding on demand is best and I wouldn't worry about over-feeding. The thing about obesity is that there are many more factors other than breastfeeding. Both my mum and aunt were breastfed and both are obese! Equally, I'm sure there are many people at a healthy weight who were formula fed. The first few weeks of having a baby are very emotional and hormonal. Stop beating yourself up - take care of yourself and rest assured it sounds like you're doing a great job! Keep an eye on your anxiety and mood - do seek extra help if you think you could be suffering from PND. Congratulations on your little one.

You didn’t make a selfish decision, you made the right decision for you and your baby at that time. An exhausted mother is not an effective mother. Just because you have a baby doesn’t mean that your needs and well being no longer count. If anything they are even more important as you need to be fit enough to look after your baby.

I think you should call the National Breastfeeding Helpline www.nationalbreastfeedinghelpline.org.uk/ and have a chat with them.

Stop going on the online forums, they are not medical professionals and probably have an agenda. Mute your friend, she’s a dick.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Breastfeeding is incredibly hard for most people in the early days.

I struggled with breastfeeding. And I persevered and persevered. I was pumping and getting a few ml, then switching to formula, then pumping. And my baby was hungry and cranky and I was miserable. I honestly wish I’d just accepted it didn’t work for me, switched to formula and enjoyed that time with my baby. You tried, you did your best and something else worked better for you and your baby. Please don’t worry. Just enjoy your lovely baby.

I had a baby with a tongue tie, and was also told to pump between feeds. I then took the executive decision that as my baby was following the growth curve I won’t express and just did bf. It was so much easier. The overfeeding he was doing via bottle stopped as soon as I started breastfeeding and a lot of his problems like wind went away. Can you get the HV to weigh him regularly? If he’s following a curve then bf should be fine.

@GrumpyHoonMain I think I may have confused you with my post. I was breastfeeding at the start and her weight dropped dramatically. It only started to increase when we started to formula feed.

@NataliaOsipova this sounds like how my mum was with me. In the end she did just end up formula feeding as she said I was always hungry and miserable and she couldn't pump enough or feed enough so she just accepted formula was the only way.

@puds11 I think I look back on it like you do an old job or something - with rose tinted spectacles. Only remember the good bits etc. When I was sat up 12-7 in the night I would just sit crying. As night came I started to tense up as I knew it would start again and I was lonely through the night. But I beat myself up thinking if only I had just been strong it would have passed. But who knows. Maybe it never would have.

That's very true @KatnissK. I think if she was taking the right amount for her age I wouldn't be worrying so much but 7oz just seems excessive. If we try and give her 6oz she will still want the extra at the end.

You did exactly as much as you possibly could at the time - it’s easy to forget what sleep deprivation is like once you have recovered a bit. Looking at “paced bottle feeding” might help you regarding the over feeding worries - lots of info if you Google.

I know anecdotal evidence is not evidence at all but I have one baby that I ff from 4 weeks and one who bf till nearly 2 years old and now at 14 and 10 they are both perfect weight for their heights!

I'm sure you won't over feed her, that sounds like a comment made without any grounding to it.

Have a read up on "paced bottle feeding", that might prove of interest.
This is the first article that came up when I googled, it is in reference to bottle feeding breastfed babies, but the principles, and benefits, are exactly the same for formula fed babies.

All the best OP

@Ginandtonic31 please don’t bear yourself up about, it’s not worth it

Your baby is fed and thriving.
Come off these FB groups, full of harpies and self appointed experts.

OP, I am sending you a hug. I was unable to breast feed either of my babies fully, and had to switch to formula as they were losing weight.
I remember that feeling of failure, of being miserable and beating myself up as an awful mother, etc, etc.
But now, 30 years later, I look at my thriving, beautiful, intelligent, adult daughters - and think “What the hell was I so upset about?”
Please don’t get things out of proportion. You are tired and hormonal and at risk of becoming depressed if you obsess about breast feeding like this.
There is nothing wrong with formula milk - it is certainly not the poison that the breast feeding mafia would like you to think!
The vast majority of my age group were bottle fed, and we are the healthiest and longest lived generation in history.
Please listen to your health visitor, and to me (retired doctor) - you are doing a fine job as a mum, you just need to relax and enjoy your baby.

THIS

You are doing just fine darling xxx

Oh bless you! I had a very similar experience a few months ago. I was also then worried about over feeding as my baby's weight sky rocketed up to the 94th percentile after being born on the 50th (and he dropped to the 12th when I was struggling to breast feed him). He's now 5 months and his weight gain and milk consumption has very much settled down now- we kept on feeding him on demand and he's such a happy little baby. Purely anecdotally, a few of my friends and family members formula fed their children for various reasons and their children are now skinny as rakes. Don't worry- a chubby baby is a healthy baby! They'll be sick if they drink too much!

That “friend” of yours sounds like an insensitive idiot who wants bragging rights for a biological process over which she has no conscious control.
If she had hypoplastic breasts, nothing she could do would produce an adequate supply. She’s just been lucky with genetics.
Either that or she is insecure and trying to boost her ego by banging on about her milk yield, like a prize heifer.
Do you remember the character Nursie in Blackadder 2? Every time your friend upsets you, just imagine her as silly Nursie with her breast feeding obsession, and have a good laugh!

You certainly aren’t ‘pumping her full of rubbish’ and have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for. You made the right decision for you both in what sounds like very challenging circumstances and were not remotely selfish in doing so. Don’t use this tiny aspect of parenting as a stick to beat yourself with or some sort of benchmark for your abilities as a mother. Post natal anxiety can manifest in so many ways and is something to consider discussing with your gp or health visitor if you find your focus on this decision is taking over your thoughts too much.

I don’t think for a moment you are making your baby obese, and generally speaking if you feed responsively and in a baby-led fashion you will not overfeed her. With that said it is generally the case that babies with reflux manage better feeding little and often and it does sound like her daily volumes are at the higher end of the spectrum. As a broad rule health professionals usually advise somewhere in the region of 150mls per kg of weight per day. There will clearly be some variation in this from baby to baby and during periods of illness / growth spurts etc, but it is a good general guide and worth considering your volumes if your baby is routinely having way in excess of that.

Chin up, and if you do change your mind and decide you wish to reintroduce some breast feeds it is almost certainly not too late.