Can't shift this feeling about breast feeding

[Ginandtonic31]

I just wondered if anybody else ever felt this way and can tell me eventually the thoughts get better. I am an anxious person anyway so I'm probably making a bigger deal than most to start with.

My baby is 6 weeks and before having her I said I would try and breast feed but I wasn't feeding biased - if she needed formula not a problem. So I breast fed her and her latch was brilliant but she was difficult to feed in the day as she slept so much and at night fed constantly from 12-7 for two weeks. After two weeks she had lost 11% birth weight and we got sent to hospital. They suggested my milk was slow coming in (due to a lot of blood loss at birth) and to pump and top her up with that after a breast feed until it came in better. I was so exhausted and beaten however I went home and just pumped and fed and never put her on the breast again. We then got her onto formula. I was fine with that at first as life got easier and I started to enjoy my baby.

However, 4 weeks later I regret it so much. I was so beaten and exhausted I made a decision for me and not my baby. I look back and think if only I had tried harder I could have done it, I was selfish. I know it takes 6 weeks to establish and now at the 6 week mark i can't help thinking we would have cracked it by now. I wish I could watch my baby grow from my milk. I just feel like I'm pumping her full of rubbish even though HV has told me it's not rubbish at all. I worry she's over feeding as at 6 weeks she's quite often taking 7oz bottles and 40ish oz in a 24 hour period. She's gone from 8lb 1 at birth to 11lb at 6 weeks. I keep being told in online baby groups she's over feeding and will result in being obese which is making me anxious as she did gain a lb in one week and is now so chunky (I know babies need to grow!)

Basically I'm just generally anxious about her feeding and I've spoken to HV and feel better for an hour then start worrying again. I'm torturing myself that I'm not breast feeding her and over feeding. She's got reflux and on anti reflux formula which sometimes makes her constipated. I keep telling myself these wouldn't be issues if I had fed her myself.

Did anyone else feel similar around breast feeding and get over it? X

@IgglePiggleNotInBed your post really helped. Thank you. It's so nice to hear similar stories and know that I made the best decision. So many people said to me it's impossible for your body not to make enough milk you need to just carry on! Easier said than done and perhaps some of us just never ever will have enough. Especially with hungry babies! So it's nice to hear that other people just couldn't make enough too. One thin I do remember at the time a lady across the road had a two month old and I would see her in a morning sometimes washing her baby's bottles and of course she could be expressing and feeding by bottle but at the time I remember being utterly jealous that I HAD to breast feed (pressure I was putting on myself) and I longed to be washing bottles and formula feeding. I remember when we got sent to the hospital for her weight loss I was desperate for a doctor to just say to me why not formula feed. So I obviously wanted to do it. It's the after thoughts when you feel more yourself that are the worse. But like others have said why put ourselves through it.

@Gruffawoah I was tempted at the weekend to try and relactate but the thought of it all filled me with dread and that's why I know it isn't right. The same as when we got back from the hospital the thought of having to breast feed any more after two weeks of really trying filled me with dread. I look back on those newborn days when she slept all day long and wouldn't even wake for a feed, the poor thing was probably starving! She became so much more alert when we started giving her formula. I wish I could rewind a video and watch back to remind myself how hard it was and the difference formula made.

Said friend text me yesterday to tell me how much weight little one had gained in her first few days of breast feeding

Wow, OP. You make it sound like you did the right thing to make the choice that worked for you! Having a baby is a serious hit to the body and mind - making the right choice for you at this point is absolutely crucial. You undoubtably did the right thing.

Sorry that should say “did the wrong thing to make the choice that worked for you.”

Incidentally, and just in case, it’s a really common symptom of PND to fixate on things - especially baby’s health - and feel guilty. If this feeling becomes overwhelming, please seek help just in case.

I was worried about overfeeding, i was combination feeding as that worked for me. My health visitor said you can't overfeed a baby as they will just either throw it up or refuse it. Please do not worry you are doing amazing!!!

Also as an aside as they get older their bottles start to become in a lot more of a routine so then you don't feel quite so much like you are overfeeding!!

OP get a copy of cribsheet by Emily Oster and read the chapter on breastfeeding. It's a neutral look at the scientific studies on breastfeeding. Upshot is that breast milk is best but only by a tiny margin.

Everyone stops breastfeeding eventually. Your early milk will have given her benefits. Don't beat yourself up. She'll be fine.

As to size - I'd just stop weighing her and stop worrying. Once she's crawling around she'll use loads more energy.

If you wanted to relactate (not saying you should) you could just feed once a day and do formula the rest of the time. There's no law against it!

Contact your friend and tell her you're finding feeding hard and would rather not discuss breastfeeding with her. If she doesn't shut up then she's not a friend you want to have. IME if you're having an easy time of it with feeding or sleep you should keep it to yourself around other mums!

Ps your friend won't be smug forever, she's bound to find something hard sooner or later, it evens out ;)

@Ginandtonic31 I completely empathise, I remember it well. Thankfully I do feel a million times better about it now, and am proud that I took the choice I didn't neccessary want myself but knew was best for DS; that's what we do as mums and is exactly what you have done, it sounds like you're doing an amazing job. I am genuinely at peace now, and when I was in the midst of it as you are now I never believed people when they told me I would feel like this in a years time, but you will. If your friend is the type of person who assumes that other people are particularly arsed about their babies weight, I am sure you will receive all sorts of texts as her little darling grows up about things as equally pointless, I know it can be hard to hear though. But it sounds like your baby is thriving, that's what is important, so be kind to yourself as well because you deserve it.

@Ginandtonic31, don’t beat yourself up - I did enough for all of us 11 years ago with DS! There are many ways to nurture a baby, how you feed them for their first few months is just one of them.

Please don't worry about your darling girl's weight. I was lucky enough that BF worked for me and both my babies, and when my son was a babe he had rolls on his rolls. He's 7 now, like a whippet and walks miles and miles without complaint.

If you are worried she's overfeeding, could you try a dummy perhaps? Some of the feeding is a need to suck, and some babies (like my first) are very, very sucky babies. Had I not used a dummy with him I would never have been able to put him down (and this was a BF baby)

Both my babies bottle fed. They both drank huge amounts of formula, slept continuously, unless feeding, and were Buddha babies. Very fat. They were both incredibly healthy, and bright young children, and are now small and slim Size 8 young ladies. Love them, nurture them, look after them. They will be happy and content whether fed by breast or bottle.

There's nothing wrong with a lovely squishy baby! You are not going to end up with an obese child just because your baby loves milk. I would honestly stop weighing your baby and tell your friend that she is being a bit insensitive if she tells you anything else negative about formula.

On a practical note, you could try a dummy as your baby might find the extra sucking comforting and therefore be more settled between feeds.

You're all so lovely and helpful. Thank you.

@CallItLoneliness we do try a dummy but if she's hungry she just keeps spitting it 😂 but we are trying different things to see if she can go a bit longer. We've noticed she can go a long time naturally in the day then packs it all in in the evening!

@Gruffawoah this thread has already made me feel so much better and accepting of it all  I know I did the right thing. Seeing that other people struggled helps me accept it is real and not just me packing in too soon.

@ludicrouslemons definitely going to give that a read!

@firsttimemumhere my midwife said the same when we moved to formula which is why we just kept giving her what she wanted. It's other people/reading that's out the thoughts in my head re over eating.

The first few weeks of breast milk are most important and you gave her that, so you should be really proud. I understand how you feel because I gave up breastfeeding earlier than I wanted to with my oldest - there was a lot of pressure to stop once she turned one and it was seen as weird by my friends and family so I stopped when neither of us were ready and I still feel sad about it now. My second I breastfed til 2 and a half and she is in no way happier, healthier, more bonded to me etc etc. You made the decision that was right for you at the time and thats nothing to feel bad about but its okay to feel sad that it didn't end the way you wanted it to. Also all mine were breastfed and they all had reflux - its horrible at the time but it passes and it's nothing youre doing wrong.

Fed is best, how doesn't really matter. You have to do what is best for both you and your baby. Want anyone else thinks is irrelevant.

I never wanted to even try breastfeeding so I didn't. I never regretted not trying as I knew it wouldn't be right for me at all. I don't feel guilty for not trying either