Please help me. Angry angry 4yr old. Broken mother.

[LemonadePockets]

The title sounds dramatic but I’m just broken. I don’t know what to do or how to help this.

I have one child. She’s 4yr old, her birthday was February.

She’s bright, she’s clever, she’s always been a character. Academically she’s above average for her age in areas. She was due to start school in August but I have deferred her due to her emotional immaturity.

She’s always struggled with self regulation, she’s a reactor. Her anger levels are now off the scale and I’m dealing with full on meltdowns every days more than once.
She’s screaming and crying and so cheeky and rude. She kicks and throws things about and tells me she hates me.

I can’t handle it anymore. My husband isn’t very supportive, he lets her away with quite a lot at times or tells me I’m too hard on her but I honestly just haven’t got a clue how to help her. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to start.

It can’t be healthy to be this angry at the age of 4.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated because I have never been this low in all my parenting life.

I just want to run away

Join the therapeutic parenting Facebook page.

No real advice but I think it would be best for her to go to school, my daughter was similar to how you've described yours. Since school her behaviour has changed dramatically. Maybe it's the routine and they learn to follow rules.

Do you live in the UK? I didn't know you could defer a child who is average age for the year?

I’m so sorry, that sounds awful for you, and her.

I’m no expert but have you tried what I think is called love bombing? Awful name but the idea is that you don’t punish the bad behavior. You just do lots of kisses and snuggles and hugs. So if she’s having a meltdown you tell her she’s fantastic, hug her, tell her you’ll read a story together. I might have got totally the wrong idea about it but hopefully someone else will see this and help you.
Chin up. Go into a different room if you can.

Send her to school her brain needs stimulation

It’s a moot point anyway as there is no schooling at the moment even if the OPs child had a place.

I've heard of a book called The Explosive Child which may help you.

Come now I bet you are a brilliant mum and I bet she does too. I would try a day where you just totally ignore everything you can (police only the absolutely essential) and see if that makes any difference. Just enjoy all the good moments and know that the bad ones will pass. See if she can articulate why she is angry. Just four is a confusing age. I used to look for ways to reset mine. Having a bath, baking or going in the garden etc. Good luck op. She doesn't hate you. She loves you more than anything on the planet. Go watch her while she is sleeping. Then you will see it.

My son has very poor emotional regulation. We have had a family support worker and are on the waiting list for a more intensive parenting intervention. The best advice I can give is the title of a training course I saw, 'when the adult changes, everything changes'.

It is horrible for children when they feel out of control like this. When my son is like he really needs me to stay calm and in control. I sit near him, or, if he wants to be alone, I tell him I am there for him when he wants me. He will often come and want a hug or reassurance as he starts to calm down. Occasionally, I can much later, say something along the lines of, ' I know it is not nice for you when you feel like that. My job is to help you when you feel like that. You can talk to me if you want to when you feel angry or upset'.

OP, I sympathise. It is very hard. Behaviour is communication. Your daughter is looking for reassurance and to know she is cared for. Other good advice I have had from a parenting course ' repair is more important than rupture.'

Thanks everyone. I’ll have a look at that FB page and book.

Yes, I’m in Scotland. The cut off for August it to turn 4 before Feb 28th. Her birthday is the end of Feb so they allow deferral because of how close it is to the cut off.

I worry being at school as the youngest would make it all worse. She’s been in nursery since 15months so routine has always been a part of her life.

I feel like she has no respect for anyone. She’s got an answer for everything..

I don’t know if I’m just feeling extra fragile today or what but I’m losing the plot :(

Definitely send her to school in September. Chances are that she will behave there with a more structured routine and it will give you a break from each other. Four year olds are meant to be emotionally immature and it sounds like she is intellectually ready for school.

@summerhouse thank you. That made me tear up reading your message. It’s so bloody hard some days.

@ITasteSpring thank you, sorry to hear you’re having issues too. I hope you get the help you need.

Thanks everyone, I just needed to vent which is something I rarely do. Lockdown is kicking my arse to say the least.

Thank you all x

I feel your pain!! So worn down by it and that just magnifies it all (especially in this situation). No real advice as I’m trying to work through it myself but we’ve found boredom breeds bad attitude and screens seem to affect her negatively too. Like your DD, ours seems pretty ‘able’ in the academic sense but very much needs support to express feelings appropriately. We’ve been doing social game activities like sorting the phrases into polite / rude (she has a tendency to be very snappy and demanding verbally!) then refer to our ‘posters’ afterwards to think about what would be a better way to e.g ask for something. Lots of praise for good choices and we discuss meltdowns well after the event because in the heat of the moment it’s impossible.

Also, as an aside- take bloody good care of yourself! I feel utterly broken by the tense atmosphere this creates but I know I can deal with things better when I’m well rested and have had some downtime. Once that’s in place (as far as possible) I try and spend some quality time with her to repair the connection. A sense of humour goes a long way too (tricky though!) You have my total sympathies, this is hard work!

@SarahMused we’re August starts here, I‘ve already give up her place. There was an option to discuss getting it back but I’m not sure how that would work now with everything being upside down.

I do lots with her, we work on all different things together to keep her occupied and challenged but sometimes the tiniest thing will kick her off. Half the time I’m sitting scratching my head trying to work it out and she’s going nuclear.

Is there someone you can talk to (phone/WhatsApp/email), and vent, @LemonadePockets? If you need someone to listen, and to reassure you that you are doing a great job and are a wonderful mum, I am happy to be there for you.

My youngest was explosive as a teenager - it was such a hard time, and I can empathise with how hard it is for you at the moment - but ds3 came out the other side, and is now a lovely young man, and a pleasure to know - and you will get there too, I am 100% sure.

{{{hugs}}}

I would also suggest letting her go to school in September - she might surprise you. My DS certainly did - I have posted on here before for advice on his challenging behaviour and I was dreading him starting last year. He was still crying every day at nursery drop offs, needed to take a comforter and I also had concerns about his anger / temper. However he has made an amazing start - he loves it and is the model student, academically much brighter than I'd realised, sociable and most surprising his behaviour is excellent. I was and still am so shocked. We still have problems at home - in fact I felt we went backwards in the first term and I was at a total loss particularly around the anger issues (he's a hitter). But as the term went on and before the lockdown he was getting better and showing better control over his emotions. Lockdown is proving hard - despite loving school he is not taking to doing school work with me and he is having more angry / naughty spells - I think he is missing the challenge of school.

I can honestly say that starting school was a real turning point so maybe it will be for your daughter. I also started the year having no quarms about taking him out for the odd day - I thought he'd need it but I actually haven't ended up doing that. It also gave me space for the first time in 4+ years so I wasn't constantly beaten down by his behaviour and could actually prepare myself for an after school / evening with him - my patience and consistency had worn thin but just a few hours to myself (luckily I only work 3 days) allowed me to build these back up.

I hope that helps!

I would also see what I could do to get her into school in August. Have you tried ringing the local authority (assuming that is the point of contact in Scotland, sorry, I only know about the education system in England). She sounds ready for school. If she is bright, she will be wanting the challenge, and you may be surprised that her behaviour in school may bear no resemblance to what you know at home.

@thebearandthemare thank you. Did you create the social game activities yourself? I could definitely do with something like that as she can be quite demanding too. And so rude at times!

She can articulate her feelings. She’s never been a violent kid but there was a biting incident at nursery. Another child had been tormenting her and goading her and the child wouldn’t listen to DD’s requests so my DD bit her! I was absolutely gutted when I was told. Nursery were shocked because she’s never ever been a biter or hitter, this thankfully has been an isolated incident. When we were speaking about it afterwards my DD told me she did it because the other child was ignoring her requests to stop whatever it was she was doing and her behaviour was stressing my DD out. My DD said she was sorry that she hurt the child but wasn’t sorry she done what she done because she felt it was the only option at the time.

We spoke about hurting people, she knows it’s wrong and as I said, it was an isolated incident but she seems to understand right from wrong. What’s acceptable behaviour and what isn’t. She just wants everyone to be nice to her and for her to be able to do what she likes!

I think I’ll look into her starting school. I’ll find the letter on who to contact.

Thank you all so very much. @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I have one close friend who I vent to, they know my child well and have talked me out of selling her on eBay more than once.

I really appreciate your offer x

She is bright, bored and worked out the most effective way to get what she wants plus lots of attention.
Ignore when she gets angry, don't engage. When she is calm talk about feelings and alternative ways of handling anger. Praise every tiny positive thing she does, explain why you are praising her.
Send her to school in September.

Get her into school. They’ll be able to help with coping strategies as well as perhaps identify anything that’s not right. She would be in the older half of the class in England by starting school at 4yrs 6months - she’ll be fine and you’ll get a break.

To be honest, biting a kid as a one off is not massively unusual, especially if provoked. All 4 year olds want to do what they want and for people to be nice to them.

Why have you kept her off school op? It sounds like every one of her issues will be helped by school. She’ll be stimulated and entertained, she’ll learn and grow. She’ll develop emotionally maturity and be taught self regulation with a professional teacher experienced with all sorts or children. Keeping her at home for another year is going to lead to more boredom and hold her back

I'm not sure sending her to school is the answer. Lots of DCs do defer so she could end up being almost 18 months younger than her classmates and then she'll seem even more immature iyswim
I second love bombing, remembering she is her own little person so her behaviour isn't an extension or rejection of your's . In other words, try not to take it personally.
Read 'How to Talk...' It has great techniques to take the heat out of situations and put a bit more fun back.

It’s hard to remember she’s only just 4, her level of speech and language is a bit older so her back chat is like that of a teenager!

I’m currently reading on the FB page suggested above. I think if I cope with it all better then I’ll be able to help her..

In Scotland the kids don’t do a reception year, just straight into p1 from nursery. My cousins daughter goes to reception this year at 4yr 1month.

Will hunt out the school letter to see who I speak to about reclaiming her place.

Thank you all !