Can't make up my mind about a second child and it's really getting to me

[alisonbella]

Hiya. Here to vent and perhaps get some wisdom.

Have a lovely 21m old DD, she's my whole heart.

Lately DH has brought up the subject of another DC but I'm scared, honestly. Scared about how it will affect the relationship between me and DD. Is that silly?

I grew up an only child and didn't mind it. I was actually very die hard about having an only and felt that's what I'd do. But lately I have started to think of family Christmases and such and for (ME personally, this is of course not a view I have of any other family choosing or winding up with one) that one just feels a bit awkward, or incomplete.

I actually imagined having another tiny DD this morning and I was so filled with emotion that I started sobbing, I so, so desperately want another baby girl, oh my heart, good thing I am home alone. Trouble is I don't know if this is subconsciously me wanting a "do-over" and for my DD to be tiny again or if it is me truly wanting another. I then imagine that DD as a moody teen, or it interfering with the relationship with my current DD, etc and it stops me in my tracks and I go "nope, nope, nope". What troubles me is that I do not feel this way about imagining a DS... that just fills me with fear honestly (perhaps because I don't have experience with having one?)

Someone told me that having a DC should be something you want with every bit of your being, but to be honest... I never felt that way about my DD and here we are. During the entire pregnancy I was actually had PND as I was so terrified about how it would change our lives. It was horrid. But she was the best thing I ever did. I swore up and down I'd never do it again but here we are, amnesia...

Then I think of the bickering, fighting (I have no experience dealing with siblings either), diapers, blowouts, 1AM and 4AM feeds, potential for health issues, pregnancy, LABOUR again, potential for regretting it, again my #1 fear, losing what I have with my current DD and the wonderful, relaxed one-child life... I don't know if I can do it.

Anyway this has rambled on hasn't it. I'd love to hear from anyone but especially those who:

1. Did your DH want another and you really weren't sure? What happened?

1. Anyone feel the same as me? What did you end up deciding? Any regrets months or years on?

Thank you all.

I had my 2nd when dc1 was 2yr9m tbh it was all a bit of a blur how I coped but I did somehow. I was SAHM dont know if that helped though. Dc2 wasnt nessessarily planned but not prevented either. I think if you are already in the baby phase then its easier to just keep going with it for dc2 than stop and start again. I had a much bigger gap with dc3(an accident) even tho he was "an easy baby" I still found it so much harder and PND affected me really badly maybe because I was older (30s instead of 20s like the older 2) or because it was an accident or I was out of the baby phase who knows.
There is never a right or wrong or best time for another baby everybody deals with things differently

OP i feel exactly the same! I also wonder if it's that i want a do over with my daughter and i cannot picture a boy either, i wish i could help but mine is nearly 4 and i still haven't decided, i know it sounds terrible but if i could guarantee a girl i'd be more open to another, i do have the same worries though re fighting, affect on my daughter etc
My husband is happy with 1

@timeforawine oh I'm happy at least someone is in these shoes as terrible as it can feel sometimes! do you mind if I ask a question, with a nearly 4 year old do you feel that your bond is less "intense" with her over time? Of course, not loving your DD any less but it's less all-encompassing? I thought perhaps by the time she turned 3 I would feel more relaxed about adding another DC as she isn't so baby-like but this intensity shows no signs of letting up.

Like you - yes! If somehow I could guarantee another girl I think I honestly would end up going for it sometime within a year, but a boy, I just don't know. At risk of sounding like a horrible person there is just something cemented in my mind and heart now about having a sweet baby girl, I feel so much less attached to the idea of a boy. Irrational? Perhaps but I can't help it.

I can't seem to get it off my mind and I feel like I'm "Screwing things up" either way. Perhaps I need to visit a therapist to get to the bottom of these feelings, I saw one when I had PND with my DD and she helped immensely.

What if it’s twins?

I grew up an only child and can really relate to festivities being a little awkward with only one child. As a result I have 3DDs. If long term you see yourself with more than one child then I'd say it is worth pushing through pregnancy/the newborn stage as otherwise you may have regrets.

@Winnietheshit yeah that's crossed my mind as well :-/

Just got so many of these what if's spinning through my mind.

@myfav Ooh. If you don't mind me asking what's it like with 3DDs after being an only? Did you always see yourself with 3? Do you find it challenging raising siblings after not having any frame of reference yourself?

I do see myself long term with more than one, when I think of just the one throughout life I feel sad. Yet relieved like a weight is lifted, I don't have to go through the anxiety and complications and "what ifs" of adding another. Lots of thoughts and emotions gone into it I think.

I know i don't get why i'm not keen on a boy, maybe mine stems from having a bratty younger brother who i hated (get on with now), he stole and broke my things even after being disciplined for it, maybe it's given me a tainted view of little boys, or maybe it was growing up i always pictured a girl and that just cemented in my mind, i do feel awful for feeling that way but i can't shake it.
Also my daughter has been mostly a dream and i'm scared, boy or girl, i wouldn't get this lucky again, plus as Winnetheshit says, what if it was twins?!
My bond is just as strong with her, she's like my mini best friend, we go shopping together, snuggle up with a movie etc, i like as she grows it's easier and we can do more together that she understands and appreciates.

I’d see a therapist. There’s stuff going on here. I think it will help you a lot.

in this lockdown though I am so happy I now have two....

3 boys here always wanted girls not ashamed to say that I was upset at 20 weeks scans to be told it was a boy (again). Fast forward to now and I have 2 nieces I'd have boys any day! Yes boys are full of energy but also full of love especially towards their momma girls are high maintenance!

@timeforawine I think perhaps my view of little boys has been tainted too, there is a stereotype of hyper, in-your-face, obnoxious, punching, throwing, hitting, always on the go, getting hurt, yelling, fighting and none of that sounds appealing to me! A lot of mums say their DS's are so sweet but again not having any personal experience with it, my first reaction is to get mentally exhausted and fearful at just the thought.

I do think that if I end up with a DS and he's like that I wish I'd have stuck at one. Maybe that says something?

My DD is mostly a dream too. She's going through a bit of early terrible twos I think and I have trouble dealing with her tantrums and screaming at times, lately it's a good 20 minutes of crying at mealtime and throwing her sippy across the room and pounding on the floor. But lately I have started watching 30 min of a Disney movie with her before bed, she will snuggle in my arms wrapped in a blanket and will sit quietly and watch, I really cherish these times and it's like a stab to the heart thinking "it won't just be us anymore".

At the same time I know it won't last forever anyway and she's going to be 12 years old and a hormonal nightmare before I know it, just as I was, maybe during those times I'd appreciate having a younger child who still loves mum?

Such a tough thing.

They say a large age gap 5+ yrs is a good way to get the benefit of an only w/o the risk of being alone. It’s a less intense relationship with the parents, too. In a good way! You could consider that if you’re young enough. And they generally adore each other, from what I’ve heard.

Slightly different in that I did want a second definitely, but I know exactly how you feel about worrying you can't possibly love a second as much as the first. You can! I love ds1 so so much; I had terrible guilt during pregnancy about having another and then when ds2 was born those initial couple of weeks I got upset a couple of times e.g. when I was feeding ds2 and ds1 wanted a cuddle. But we all got through it. Ds2 loves his little brother so much and I love watching them together. I love ds2 with all my heart and couldn't imagine our family without him now. I will say though, I obviously had 2 of the same sex but they are very very different! From pregnancy to now (ds2 is 6mo), it's been a totally different experience. Ds2 is his own little person and honestly the two of them are chalk and cheese. So don't expect it to be the same even if you have another girl! Also I'd be hesitant of conceiving again if you think you'll have gender disappointment- I have a friend who had it badly and she still has it now and her child is nearly 3. Think carefully.

Dont be afraid of losing your bond with your eldest that never ever fades but you do create an equally special bond with each child. When you see the love between siblings honestly it makes your heart burst. They will of course fight thats inevitable but the love between them far outweighs it.

@fascinated hope you don't mind me asking, and I know you aren't a psychotherapist but did you get the feeling there's some deeper issues at play here, just as an outside perspective? I think there might be honestly. I'm actually going to ring my old therapist tomorrow or send her an email. She really helped me uncover things I couldn't see myself when I saw her before.

I always said 3 or 4. Actually since the 3rd I'm not sure we'll have a fourth as I feel as though I'd possibly be pushing my luck and something go wrong. Even though I had previously wondered what it would be like to have a boy I'd actually be worried to have one now in case it changed the family dynamic.
The hardest part i suppose is not knowing when to step in if the have an argument that type of thing. Luckily they do play nicely together most of the time. I do still get the odd comment about me being an only child and it does stir up some negative emotions still.
It is difficult knowing what to do but I felt deep down I'd have regrets latter on if I didn't have at least 2.

@uhoh2020 each mum of boys has said that, I think! Funny how our experiences have shaped us, like I mentioned to a PP there's just something that's entered my heart about a DD now that I can't imagine a DS.

I completely think that boys are a bit less trouble in the psychological department, obviously not trying to dismiss anyone's experience or to stereotype but I was just talking with a friend last night how the women he manages are at each others throats and he's tired of the drama, why do women stir shit up etc. Girls seem to definitely be more drama.

OP you might be interested in a group on Facebook called 'One and Done on the Fence' that is full of discussions from people who are in a similar position of wondering whether to have a second child

My view is that if you feel that strongly about it it is almost certainly because if some unresolved issue. And you’ve had PND before, so you’re aware of a risk of issues. It’s such a big decision, it’s worth delving into it. Especially for the onlies among us! What harm can it do? Good luck. Some of us need to think more deeply about things, and that is ok - It’s actually good. It’s self care and personal development.

Two boys, never wanted a girl for a second. Think I'd have been devastated if my second was a girl! I had doubts about having our second tbh, and it's bloody difficult. But they adore each other and our family really feels complete now.

@KatnissK thanks for sharing that experience, do you mind if I ask the age gap? I know gaps don't seem to matter much and it's more the personality but I think I would feel better about this if I could speak with DD and explain what is going on and for her to understand.

Yeah gender disappointment definitely a consideration. I didn't care if DD was a girl or boy but now that I have a girl I just can't imagine having a boy. I know that potentially sounds silly, I just cannot help it right now.

I only wanted one originally, I have a beautiful DD, but now I wish I could have a second.

We are too old though really and don’t have the funds for 2 in nursery. If we had the time for a 3-4 year gap I would have another but we are 42 and 47 with a 7 month old so it’d have to be now, and we just can’t.

I have a brother, 3.5 years younger. We get on ok but I think I’d have been ok as an only too. But I do worry about my DD not having a sibling.

I think if you picture a 2nd baby in your future then go for it, the boy/girl thing won’t matter when they are here. I can’t see a second baby in ours, try as I might .

There are lots of pros and cons to having another hold. But I can pretty much guarantee that if you DO:

1. you will feel totally differently of your second turns out to be a boy. You won’t be disappointed or upset. You’ll adore him with every fibre of your being.

2. your bond with your DD won’t change.

The second would be a teenager too one day :-D that's what i remind myself.
I know i've been no help but i feel EXACTLY the same as you so know where your coming from, honestly thought it was just me but was scared to post in case i got ripped to shreds re the boy thing but so far everyone on here has been lovely.
To be honest i'm giving it until she's 6, if i haven't made up my mind by then i'll take it as a sign and stick at 1. My boss has 1 and the 3 of them are so close even now she's 12, they enjoy sports together, travelling, eating out etc.
My daughter lovers her holidays too and i know if i have a second holidays will take a hit due to increased costs, as it stands i'd rather travel as much as possible and enjoy all these experience with her.
I ask my daughter if she wants a brother or sister and she says no, so that's something

I'm in the same position as you OP! And I haven't decided 🙈 although my little boy is only 9 months but me and my husband are 33/36 so not sure how it's going to pan out!

Sorry that was no help but your not alone!!