Can't make up my mind about a second child and it's really getting to me

[alisonbella]

Hiya. Here to vent and perhaps get some wisdom.

Have a lovely 21m old DD, she's my whole heart.

Lately DH has brought up the subject of another DC but I'm scared, honestly. Scared about how it will affect the relationship between me and DD. Is that silly?

I grew up an only child and didn't mind it. I was actually very die hard about having an only and felt that's what I'd do. But lately I have started to think of family Christmases and such and for (ME personally, this is of course not a view I have of any other family choosing or winding up with one) that one just feels a bit awkward, or incomplete.

I actually imagined having another tiny DD this morning and I was so filled with emotion that I started sobbing, I so, so desperately want another baby girl, oh my heart, good thing I am home alone. Trouble is I don't know if this is subconsciously me wanting a "do-over" and for my DD to be tiny again or if it is me truly wanting another. I then imagine that DD as a moody teen, or it interfering with the relationship with my current DD, etc and it stops me in my tracks and I go "nope, nope, nope". What troubles me is that I do not feel this way about imagining a DS... that just fills me with fear honestly (perhaps because I don't have experience with having one?)

Someone told me that having a DC should be something you want with every bit of your being, but to be honest... I never felt that way about my DD and here we are. During the entire pregnancy I was actually had PND as I was so terrified about how it would change our lives. It was horrid. But she was the best thing I ever did. I swore up and down I'd never do it again but here we are, amnesia...

Then I think of the bickering, fighting (I have no experience dealing with siblings either), diapers, blowouts, 1AM and 4AM feeds, potential for health issues, pregnancy, LABOUR again, potential for regretting it, again my #1 fear, losing what I have with my current DD and the wonderful, relaxed one-child life... I don't know if I can do it.

Anyway this has rambled on hasn't it. I'd love to hear from anyone but especially those who:

1. Did your DH want another and you really weren't sure? What happened?

1. Anyone feel the same as me? What did you end up deciding? Any regrets months or years on?

Thank you all.

For a long time we thought we only wanted 1. DH and I are both only children and I had a really awful delivery with DS1 so thought I could never go through that again. When he was 3 I started thinking I might like another, but due to life circumstances we waited another year. DS2 was born when DS1 was about to turn 5. For us it is a great age gap, we had lots of 1-1 time with them both as babies as DS1 started school when DS2 was born. They play together really well now, not much bickering at all thanks to the age gap (they are now 5 & 10). They are totally different characters. No regrets at all, they are everything to me and I love them both equally with all my heart! I wouldn't change a thing.

They say there is a period - is it between about 3 and 5, I’m not sure, you’d need to research it - when the existing child is more aware of the new arrival, remembers being the only child, and has not yet developed his or her own “life” away from mum and dad, with own friends, activities etc, plus child cannot yet reason - the hypothesis being that the first child in this age group is more impacted by the new sibling and more likely that sibling rivalry results. This is confirmed by two families in my circle.

I have some regrets and part of me wishes I had stopped at one. But that may be depression caused by this lockdown. It’s challenging looking after two small children alone Monday to Friday with nowhere to go. The second is still a small baby feeding several times a night, so I start each day exhausted. And then having to come up with new ideas to entertain a boy who’s used to playing with his friends at nursery every week.

Nutella, it’s almost certainly the lockdown. It’s so unnatural.

I still have a while to decide as DS is only 5 months but I always only wanted one. Now I think I might be being mean by saying he can never have a sibling. I do however think if I could skip being pregnant I'd probably have one more. I hated being pregnant and I'm receiving treatment for PND. Not sure if I could handle it all again even in a few years.