Can't make up my mind about a second child and it's really getting to me

[alisonbella]

Hiya. Here to vent and perhaps get some wisdom.

Have a lovely 21m old DD, she's my whole heart.

Lately DH has brought up the subject of another DC but I'm scared, honestly. Scared about how it will affect the relationship between me and DD. Is that silly?

I grew up an only child and didn't mind it. I was actually very die hard about having an only and felt that's what I'd do. But lately I have started to think of family Christmases and such and for (ME personally, this is of course not a view I have of any other family choosing or winding up with one) that one just feels a bit awkward, or incomplete.

I actually imagined having another tiny DD this morning and I was so filled with emotion that I started sobbing, I so, so desperately want another baby girl, oh my heart, good thing I am home alone. Trouble is I don't know if this is subconsciously me wanting a "do-over" and for my DD to be tiny again or if it is me truly wanting another. I then imagine that DD as a moody teen, or it interfering with the relationship with my current DD, etc and it stops me in my tracks and I go "nope, nope, nope". What troubles me is that I do not feel this way about imagining a DS... that just fills me with fear honestly (perhaps because I don't have experience with having one?)

Someone told me that having a DC should be something you want with every bit of your being, but to be honest... I never felt that way about my DD and here we are. During the entire pregnancy I was actually had PND as I was so terrified about how it would change our lives. It was horrid. But she was the best thing I ever did. I swore up and down I'd never do it again but here we are, amnesia...

Then I think of the bickering, fighting (I have no experience dealing with siblings either), diapers, blowouts, 1AM and 4AM feeds, potential for health issues, pregnancy, LABOUR again, potential for regretting it, again my #1 fear, losing what I have with my current DD and the wonderful, relaxed one-child life... I don't know if I can do it.

Anyway this has rambled on hasn't it. I'd love to hear from anyone but especially those who:

1. Did your DH want another and you really weren't sure? What happened?

1. Anyone feel the same as me? What did you end up deciding? Any regrets months or years on?

Thank you all.

I had always planned on 2 with a big age gap but DS was a high needs baby and really put me off having a second. He is now 6 and we are trying for a 2nd. I couldn’t have coped before that. I would have felt I was taking away time that DS needed with me and I think there would have been jealousy and resentment. I think our bond is less intense (in a normal, healthy way) now and I hope we can give him a sibling.
I would quite like a girl this time after being desperate for a boy last time but that’s mainly so I can experience both. DS is the most loving, caring, thoughtful child and loves to look after me. I think it’s how you raise boys. They don’t all have to be a stereotypical “boy”

@alisonbella there's 2y4m between my two. I was really anti-small age gaps when I was younger (most of my family have at least a 7year gap and my brother and I are 11 years apart) but then once we were in the swing of things with ds1 it made sense to carry on sooner rather than later! It's been fine so far.

@Yippity thank you that's very reassuring! I've browsed a few posts and every single mum who has welcomed a 2nd DC said those worries melted away and they loved the DC like their first.

Feeling a bit silly I have imagined giving birth to a new (DD) all this morning and I've been in tears at just imagining cuddling her, I honestly think having that moment again would be the most beautiful, satisfying, heart-filling thing I could ever imagine. It's what comes after that, that has me worried. After all DCs don't stay babies forever. I also think I need to examine why I keep imagining a DD and why that thought feels so healing, fulfilling to me... like I said am I trying to relive DD's newborn stage or something?

Mind if I ask what do you mean by "you will feel totally differently if your second turns out to be a boy" I assume you may be speaking from experience?

@timeforawine regarding waiting until she is 6, my grandmother (rest her soul) and her sister were 6.5 years apart, never had you seen a pair so close. They would always laugh over this story of when their parents came home unexpectedly and nan was aged 16 or so drinking a beer at the table, her sister sat on nan's beer can to hide it then it was 10 more hilarious minutes trying to hide her beer soaked bum/chair/floor and a crunched up can in front of their parents! don't think they ever did find out. But they stuck up for each other and talked every day until my grandmother passed. I know full well siblings aren't always a guarantee but that's always something special I think of when I think of perhaps spreading DCs out a bit and how siblings can go right.

I think I'll feel better as well if I can ask DD if she wants a sibling, of course not guaranteed what a child says but it might make me feel a bit better, maybe as a sign if I still can't make up my mind.

I will say as an only child I got to do a lot of holidays with my parents that they would not have been able to afford with more DCs - I am very thankful for those experiences and travel.

As with anything in life so many advantages and disadvantages and unknowns on either side, life does have a way of working out though.

That's lovely OP :-)
It is hard, you've no idea, regardless of age gap, whether they'll get on or not
Hope you find your answer :-)

I felt (and feel) very similar OP. DD is 3 next month, and I am due DC2 in August. I was sort of resigned to just one, but things have got much easier as DD has got older, and she is an absolute delight. In all honesty, I have no real desperate desire for another child, and don't feel broody at all (although also felt like this with DD), but I know she would love a sibling. She is so, so excited already, and I haven't even said that much about it.

Our life now (well, pre - lockdown!) is lovely, and pretty relaxed. I know all this will change soon and am feeling quite nervous about it all to be honest.

2yr 9mth age gap here and a stay at home mum. Although it was relentless at the time as both were terrible sleepers it was definitely the right decision. They have an instant play mate and company. I look at my single child friends and they all wish they'd bitten the bullet and had another.

Honestly I could have written your post! I have a 21 month old DD!

I have 4 siblings, I love our Christmases and get togethers. DH is an only child and I find his family dynamic very difficult or maybe intense is the word- that may just be his parents though.

I am more wanting another one than he is. DH is quite against it. Our DD was a very very unhappy baby, she’s amazing as a toddler but equally with her personality I feel than she really does need someone to play with. In a way I think two children may be easier than one as they could entertain eachother to some extent.

Personally I would love another daughter too. Like you, I see myself with girls and whilst I’d love a boy for some reason it does scare me a bit too. Not sure why. And It’s just going through the baby stage again that’s worrying.

I wouldn’t want much more than a 3 year age gap so I hope to come to a decision soon. It’s not like I can even get my mirena removed at the moment though so that’s a factor!

OP I’m in the same boat. I’m really unsure on a second child because like you, I was an only child (dad had children but I was older and never lived with them) so I was effectively an only child for the best part of my childhood.

We lost our dad suddenly last year and I am so thankful to have had siblings around me. They were such a tonic and made things easier since they were experiencing the same loss. They are also great with my dd when we visit home.

DP is very keen to have another, my dd is 18 months so age gap similar to yours. I’m just worried that having 2 will be too hard but DP who has children from his previous marriage tells me it was easier with 2 (I take this with a pinch of salt as he wasn’t the main caregiver his wife was!).

I’ve actually run out of my pill so we’re not using anything at the moment and it makes me feel a bit nervous as I’m so happy with our life now, for the first time everything is good and I don’t want to upset the balance.

Knowing my luck I’ll conceive straight away and I’ll be shitting myself whilst DP is overjoyed.

Fireandfury it sounds like you don’t want another! Get another prescription and then decide!

Yes, that’s two so,en now having contraception issues and assuming that they can’t be fixed because of this lockdown . That’s not true. Contraception is very important and doctors are still open!

Typo - women

We wanted 2 or 3 DC. DS1 was incredibly hard work from conception and he was 21 months before I could even entertain the idea of a 2nd pregnancy.

My 2 boys have 2yr7months age gap and play together (and occasionally squabble) all day every day.

I adored DS1 so much I was really worried about not feeling the same for DS2. It took about 2 months to really feel the love due to 2 things: 1) I had complications after the birth so spent a LOT of time at Dr appointments and the rest juggling a newborn and toddler so felt quite disconnected from everything and 2) newborn DS2 had a lot less personality than toddler DS1 so I felt I didnt know him as well.

However after 2 months I suddenly realised I loved them both the same and that has never changed.

Personality wise they are VERY very different. DS1 remains hard work but having DS2 has diluted him - he tramples over what I might want/need but understood and still understands that his little brother has wants and needs too so is easier. Plus he has a permanent playmate which he adores.

DS2 is fantastic. Loads easier than his brother and has an amazing imagination. Both boys are incredibly loving and cuddly. They are 6 and 8 and I still can't sit on a sofa without 1 or both coming to lie on me for a cuddle. They tell me they love me every day. DS2 makes nice comments about my clothes and they both like shopping for them, and DS2 likes looking for clothes for me too.

I'm concerned that your DH wants another child but you're not sure. Since the majority of the childcare will fall to you and not him, and your career will the one to take the hit, think very carefully about YOU making the sacrifices. It's very easy for him to declare he wants more children. Even if he's a fairly hands on dad, he is not the one who will be doing all the shitty bits. Think very carefully about the impact on you.

The gift you give your existing child is a sibling relationship - when you watch your kids play together it's priceless seeing their love and joy for each other. Kids have way more energy and imagination than adults and their lives are much more enriched for having other children around. Also makes life easier for you and your partner as you don't have to constantly entertain your kids - they just entertain each other. You don't have a finite amount of love, you won't be chipping off some existing love of child 1 to give to child 2, your love multiplies.

I had a dd first and assumed dc2 would be a girl from the moment of conception - like you I couldn't imagine having a boy. But a boy he was and I wouldn't change him for the world. He is totally different in character to my dd but despite my reservations about being able to love another child as much, I most certainly do. They are now primary school age and yes there is a stereotypical difference in the way they act most of the time - dd will sit for hours doing crafts and bits while ds literally cannot sit still for more than a minute (and is by far more loving) but they get on so well and at times like this I feel all the hard work in the baby and toddler years has paid off as they are so close. They are currently dancing in the kitchen together while I'm drinking tea in peace!!

I didn’t want a second for at least 3 years and then suddenly I did. Whilst I feel the same about my first dc, she has never really gotten over losing my sole attention and it’s over 5 years later. We have a very small family though - what’s your extended network like?

If you have an only you need to think about the issues and how you would deal with them. This is what we've done:

Christmas - we're either with my family or DH so there are always 2 or 3 other kids of a similar age around.

DD went to loads of toddler groups, plus a few days at nursery from a young age.

We've moved to a a road full of families and there are children next door and behind us v close in age to DD whom she plays with.

She does lots of extra curriculars.

We had DD at exactly the average age so we have lots of friends with similarly aged children and also children ranging from babies to teens, we usually see some of them at the weekend.

If we go on holiday just the 3 of us we go somewhere DH and I would like to see but stay in a family friendly hotel with kids club/playground/disco.

It really is a decision only you can make though.

All my lovely paragraphs disappeared!

In this day and age it’s more important to think of the potential kids future rather than the wants of the parents. In the up coming decades there will be catastrophic happenings because of human overpopulation. There’s enough nutrients in the uk soil for 60yrs of crops. That’s it. There will be extreme weather, millions of climate refugees, food shortages, water shortages, more pandemics. Is it fine to still be contributing to this? Will it be worth it just on the off chance that people’s current kid might play with a sibling for a period of a few months and pose for an Xmas photo in between fighting?

PippaPegg
What an assumption

"Even if he's a fairly hands on dad, he is not the one who will be doing all the shitty bits"

Whilst many men don't throw themselves into parenting others do. Both of our careers have been ok impacted. Both of us are up at night. Both of us deal with the shitty bits. Right now, my husband is wrangling baby and toddler after getting up early, making breakfast, doing chores etc and will be looking after them for the day whilst I work. He was up for one prolonged wake up in the night, me for 4 shorter ones, but then he left me sleeping in bed to make up for it. Other days we do the reverse, and then we just both muck in where needed at the weekend.

Some men take an equal partnership and equal parenting seriously. You can assume inequality in all cases just because it's the historical and cultural norm.

If in doubt do nowt

I also worry about Christmases and stuff being a bit dull. We have a small family as it is (no cousins and spread out over the world) and I just worry he'll be lonely or bored.

Little boys are great though! They're not all rough and loud, just like not all girls sit around twirling their hair. I was terrified about having a boy but he's perfect.

@alisonbella I have one of each and can hand on heart say that my boy is by far the gentler, calmer, and quieter of the two!

Just another thought- when pregnant with DS2 I only imagined having DS1 in my arms again. Because that was my only experience of being a mum. They looked identical for the first week and then DS2 changed and became himself.