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Original poster

Having a second child..?

23 replies

OneWellyBoot · 01/04/2020 14:47

For those of you that went on to have a second, how did you decide to? How do you have time for your relationship? Time for yourself?

And the reverse. If you stopped at one how did you know you were done?

PFB isn't 1 yet. But I can't imagine having the time or energy to have a second. To start from scratch again. At the same time the idea of stopping at one is upsetting me. Maybe once PFB is a bit bigger (and hopefully easier) having another won't seem so scary.

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SundayGirlB · 01/04/2020 14:53

Placemarking! Could have written this myself.

Manda34 · 01/04/2020 14:56

Always pictured 2 or 3. I grew up with siblings. We started trying when DC was 5 months. Got pregnant, miscarried. Got pregnant again, miscarried at 12 weeks. Got pregnant again and DC2 born when DC was 23 months. 2 is far better than 1 in my opinion, especially now they are 3 and 1 and play together. First few months are a bit of a blur and being pregnant with a toddler/baby was hard. But it's so worth it! I am 100% done now though after all that!

ParkheadParadise · 01/04/2020 15:00

When I had dd1 I knew she would be a only, I definitely didn't want anymore I was very young when I had her.

23 years later I went to the doctors with a suspected kidney infection. Turns out I was 5 months pregnant. To say I was in shock was an understatement. I couldn't remember how to make a bottle or change a nappy🤣🤣.
Dd2 is 4 now she is one of the best things to happen to us.

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userabcname · 01/04/2020 15:02

For me it was like a switch flipping over night. I went from "God I could never do this again!" to "I want another baby NOW" in an instant. DS1 was about 8 months old at the time. We started trying when he was 1yo and it took 8 months to conceive DS2. Having two has been pretty straightforward, massively helped by the fact that DS2 is a very placid, content little thing and sleeps really well (unlike his older brother!). I guess I don't get loads of time to myself but it's a temporary phase. The fact DS2 is a good sleeper means DH and I do get more time for us as bedtime is relatively smooth. I think if you have 1 child then a second doesn't make too much of a difference. 0-1 was definitely the biggest shock/adjustment. Oh, and DH wants 3 kids so it was very easy getting him on-board for number 2!

Jellycatfox · 01/04/2020 15:07

I had a second. Only a few months old now. I love them both but...
I should have thought this through. I am always split in half and not fulfilling their needs, I sometimes get frustrated with my first, or the second. My relationship with my first is barely there now, because I am always with baby.
There isn’t a second for myself which is fine. But I am a different parent now. I used to be all gentle and wholesome and now way too snappy.

wineymummy · 01/04/2020 15:15

We knew we wanted a second but decided to time it so that DD1 would qualify for 30 hours child care funding so she could stay at nursery 3 days a week and newborn could have my full attention in those times...

DD2 is due in a few weeks, obviously DD1 is no longer in nursery and our whole plan has gone tits up. Time to keep reminding myself that a second child is a long term benefit for DD1 and that the nightmare that lockdown with a 3 year old and newborn is going to be will all be worth it in the end...

Stet · 01/04/2020 15:19

I knew before having DD that I would most likely only want one. I was a very happy only so that's probably why! She has actually been an incredibly easy baby and toddler so far, good sleeper, very good natured, plays independently, etc. but I like the balance of life with one. I just don't have any urge for another, and I love that I still have time to myself to pursue my interests and that I can dedicate all the time I want to just her. I also can't stand noisy households and every house I've been in with multiple young kids has made me feel exhausted

I'm a big believer in not taking on more than you can handle or something that would actually make life more difficult just because you think you 'should'. It's fine to just have one. There's no point in having another just because it's 'what people do'.

TobyeBella · 01/04/2020 15:29

DS is nearly 4 and will be an only, I wasn't sure for a while but a combination of awful delivery, PND/A, silent reflux and awful sleep meant I wasn't keen. A while later we realised DS has a significant speech delay and is possibly autistic, that was the final nail in the coffin of my wanting another, I knew I couldn't cope with any more worry and anxiety, DS needed all of our time and resources, physically, financially and emotionally.

Having a child with special needs obviously adds a different dimension to our decision but ultimately it came down to what we personally and as a couple could cope with, despite it all DS is so much easier now, I have time to myself (not at the moment thanks to lockdown), we have time as a couple as my parents adore having DS and I couldn't imagine now going back to all the baby stuff, trying to breastfeed, weaning, teething, potty training. We've been selling all our baby stuff and it's felt good to move on.

I needed to be the best version of myself, for me, DS and DH and that meant having no more children. You'll get loads of people saying, it's cruel, you can't have an only, sod them, if that's what you want. I'm sure my DS would prefer to have parents who are happy married with good mental health than a sibling.

NameChange30 · 01/04/2020 15:33

I've always wanted two children but pregnancy, birth and the first 2 years with DC1 were very difficult. I wasn't ready to contemplate having another until after DC1 turned 2 (which is also when I stopped breastfeeding). I got pregnant with DC2 when DC1 was 2y9m, so there will be a 3.5 year age gap. It's daunting now but feels doable which it didn't for the first 2 years!

QueenofmyPrinces · 01/04/2020 15:53

We decided to go for number two when our first one was 18 months old. It took a long time to get pregnant so our first son was actually 3.5 years old when the second baby arrived.

The most deciding factor for having a second was that I didn’t want DS to be an only child.

It was exhausting for the first year in particular and it has meant less time for me and DH as a couple but it has been 100% worth it.

Sipperskipper · 01/04/2020 18:25

I was never sure. Awful labour & recovery with DD, PND and generally just found the early months / first year really hard. She will be 3 in May and it is all so much easier in so many ways. I have never had the desire for another child, and have never been 'broody', but she is such a sociable, loving, chatty child and I know she would love a sibling. I loved having my brother growing up, and I hope for the same for her. I'm pregnant now, and the age gap will be 3y3m - I wouldn't have wanted anything less. DD is out of nappies, sleeps well and is in a lot of ways, very independent. She will also have her free preschool hours in September (she's been doing 2 mornings for about 10 months and loves it!) so I will get some time one on one with the baby too (covid allowing preschool of course!)

Still don't feel broody or anything (although didn't with DD), but I love the idea of her having a sibling relationship.

NameChange30 · 01/04/2020 18:46

We were supposed to get free preschool hours starting today and I'd been so looking forward to it 😭

In general I would recommend a 3+ year age gap for that reason!

Temple29 · 01/04/2020 21:00

DS turns 1 next week and I’m 17 weeks pregnant with my second. I always wanted to have more than one child and I have loved being a mother more than I thought I would. DS is a brilliant sleeper (actually excited to go to bed) and an easy going baby so it’s been a great experience so far.

Original poster

OneWellyBoot · 02/04/2020 11:47

@Jellycatfox how old are your 2 if you don't mind me asking?

OP posts:

Jellycatfox · 02/04/2020 12:12

@OneWellyBoot three years apart. I love them both but...

bookworm14 · 02/04/2020 12:19

My DD age 4 is almost certain to be a only. I’ve not felt the slightest bit broody since having her, and sticking at one makes sense for us in terms of finances, space and health. I do feel guilty on DD’s behalf that we’re not giving her a sibling, but having a child we don’t want and would struggle to cope with would be a terrible idea.

Original poster

OneWellyBoot · 02/04/2020 15:07

@Jellycatfox this is my worry.

Plus I think PFB is hard work. Not a great sleeper, clingy etc. My fear with having another is that PFB turns out to be the easy one and I didnt realise.. and child 2 turns out to be even harder

OP posts:

QueenofmyPrinces · 02/04/2020 16:00

onewelly - in terms of issues/problems my second DC had so much more than my first son had, but because I was already used to being a mum and all that the role encompasses, DS2’s issues didn’t stress me out at all.

Things are always harder the first time round purely for the fact that it’s the first time you’ve ever had to be a parent. There’s a reason why people say that going from 0-1 is harder than 1-2, and that the second baby just slots into family life

FartnissEverbeans · 02/04/2020 17:30

DS is 3.5 now. He was a pretty easy baby (well, as easy as babies can be) and even though he was a surprise, and I hadn’t actually planned to have any children, I took to motherhood pretty well and really enjoy most of it. He is amazing and fascinating and hilarious and brilliant. I’m so glad we had him.

But... again?! Really?? I already did it once! And now that I know what it actually involves, I’m finding it really difficult to picture putting myself in that position again. If I could skip the pregnancy bit that might help but unfortunately that’s not negotiable!

I never felt broody and I don’t now. I can’t imagine I ever will. And if it’s not an emotional decision, it has to be a rational one - but having a baby is completely irrational.

I’m 36 tomorrow. Tick tock

Lovelymonkeyninetynine · 02/04/2020 19:34

I wondered so much about this. Had a 2 year gap and all the stuff you mentioned suffered: relationship, social life, time to myself etc. Really think about what support you have in place, it was a tough year or 2.
But, I'm so so glad we had dc2. They adore each other. I am more snappy at first yes, yes, but their bond is the most wonderful thing ever.
Plus a small gap means they have so much in common and can be really good buddies.

surreygirl1987 · 02/04/2020 20:39

I have an almost 18 month old and am pregnant with my second. We always intended for two. I grew up with my brothers and wanted to give my son a sibling. It was important to me for them to be close in age if possible as my brother is 18 months younger than me and we were brought up like twins. My pair will have a 23 month age gap. I know the early days with baby 2 will be horrendous. I had such a hard baby for my first one and really struggled. However, I'm thinking of the long term and the fact that they will have each other to play together with growing up, and they will always have each other throughout their lives. I also don't think I'll want to go through the awful baby stage again im a few years time when I've got used to being myself again so want to get it all out of the way now. Plus I want to get my career back on track so may as well do the baby thing as close together as possible. Finances will be awful for a while but then great in a couple of years when they're a bit older. They'll start school just one year apart.

user1493413286 · 03/04/2020 10:02

For the first 12-18 months after DD was born I really wasn’t sure about having another; I struggled with the fact that I always saw us as a family of 5 (including our DSD) but was worried about how hard the early years would be but then something just clicked and it was no longer a decision but a really strong urge to have another. My second is now a month old and there’s a 3 year age gap; I couldn’t have done a smaller age gap. It’s hard but not as hard as when I had my DD as I’m already used to having limited time to myself and the relationship with my DH has already gone through the adjustment of having a child.
I also can see that some things in the future will be easier; with my DSD being an only child she needed entertaining a lot especially on holiday etc and I’ve seen that with other only children whereas with siblings they will play with each other.

Mammy1987 · 27/03/2021 00:25

We were so undecided but decided to go for it and I can honestly say it's the best thing we ever done. We have found going from 1-2 easier than 0-1. I was worried sick that I wouldn't be able to get out and about but I have and worried about nothing.

Mind my nearly 3 year old is brilliant so half the battle. I'd like to wish you the best of luck xxx

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