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Parenting

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Original poster

only want 1 child, is it ok?

25 replies

2hot2cook · 11/09/2007 12:40

hi, just wondered if any of you are mums to only 1 child, and if you think it has advantages? we have 1 son of 7 and have made a decision to keep it that way, due to money, housing etc. are we being selfish?

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goingfor3 · 11/09/2007 12:42

I am an only child and didn't mind as a child but as an adult would love to have a brother or sister around to help with my mum, enjoy my children and also just to have someone around who had the same up bringing as me.

fireflyfairy2 · 11/09/2007 12:43

You are entitled to have as many or as few children as you decide.

So, yes, of course it's O.K. to only have one child

LucyJones · 11/09/2007 12:44

I don't think you're being selfish at all. There is no right or wrong way to have a family.
I have two (1 and 3) who at the moment adore each other. But I know that will chop and change over the years and as adults could easily end up living miles away from each other.

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callmeovercautious · 11/09/2007 12:46

Sounds like you are being sinsible to me. If you can't afford/don't have room at home, for another Child then you are being considerate imho.

callmeovercautious · 11/09/2007 12:46

sEnsible even

Hulababy · 11/09/2007 12:46

Of course it is ok and definitely not selfish at all. There are pros and cons of having one child, same as different pros and cons of having 2, 3, 4 ....or 10 children.

Siblings do not necessarilty get on and do not necessarily help one another when oldereither. My MIL is finding this out as she is dealing with family stuff alone, as her brother is not helping one tiny iota. Being a sibling has been of no use to her and she would in many ways have been better off as an only child right now. Having a sibling not helping or being around is actuallu hampering stuff.

I have an only child. Not through choice but likely to be the case permanently now. My DD is perfectly fine. I am trying to ensure she has he rown supprt network if famiky and friends, and I would hope this will grow and evelop as she grows up and becomes an adult.

CountessDracula · 11/09/2007 12:48

I'm the same as Hula

kittylouise · 11/09/2007 12:49

I think a lot of people have the opinion that it is sefish of people to have only 1 child, which is madness. My dd (age 11) is an only child, she is well adjusted and happy. I said I had some important news a couple of weeks ago (we're moving house) and she said "oh no, you're not pregnant are you?!", which sums up how she feels.

I like that I can give her more attention, I work full time and I don't think I could cope with 2. Also the financial and housing aspect. Mine is an open house as well where her friends are concerned, so I don't worry that she is lonely.

I do get pangs sometimes, when thinking about babies, but I know that I made the right decision for our family. So don't feel guilty!

CountessDracula · 11/09/2007 12:50

All the grown up only children I know have superb relationships with their parents I must say.

Original poster

2hot2cook · 11/09/2007 12:54

hulababy, i agree, my dh has a brother that he hasnt seen in over 10 years, and although i have 2 sisters one lives over 200 miles away ( im lucky if i see her once a year) and my other sister is so different from me id rather spend time with my friends!

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Blu · 11/09/2007 12:58

Works for us!
We make 'adjustments' to make sure that DS has lots of family contact and friends etc etc, in the same way as we would make 'adjustments' if we had a huge brood to ensure that each child had some quality 1-2-1 attention when they needed it.

MaryAnnSingleton · 11/09/2007 12:58

Another one here with 1 child (boy aged 10) - not selfish in my opinion and of course there are pros and cons as with the pros and cons of having several children. Our family unit felt complete after he was born and it feels right. Sometimes I do think that a brother or sister might've been a good idea ( for later in life - maybe helping each other when we're old and batty) but ds seems to be growing up into a sweet, good natured and kind boy - quite self possessed, maybe a little unworldly, and very sweet with other children.

Original poster

2hot2cook · 11/09/2007 12:59

kittylouise, countessdracula, thanx x x

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Again · 11/09/2007 14:29

It's not a good idea to have a child as company for another child -you have to want them in their own right. It sounds to me like you love your little one and that's the most important thing. I was an only child until I was 10, when my brother was born. I love him to bits, but it's not really a sibling relationship. Because of the age difference I was always more of a third parent to him.

Original poster

2hot2cook · 11/09/2007 21:59

again, yes your right. i would only be having another child as sibling for my son, not because i really want another child.

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widgypog · 12/09/2007 21:32

have just seen this and I have the same dilemma. Have dd nearly 4 and she was v difficult birth. I have friends with 2 and it just seems so hard. My dh def doesnt want more but will if I REALLY want one. I have been told I am selfish and my dd will be spoilt (she isnt) and lonely(she isnt) . v tricky I think!!!

Original poster

2hot2cook · 13/09/2007 13:28

hu w, yes i know its hard isnt it! our problem is more financial, we both work f/t but still use our credit card to buy food at the end of the month! but actually we kind of like having one child. he isnt lonely or spoilt, and i sometimes look at friends with 2 or 3 and they look shattered!( but still have nagging doubts)

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HonoriaGlossop · 13/09/2007 14:21

DH and I have chosen to stop at one, and we feel our little 'magic circle' is complete. I'd say we were a very happy family and that my ds has hugely enjoyed and benefitted from having our full time and attention.

The only reason you should have another is if YOU want one; don't try to second guess the future. Some only children do feel it would be nice to have someone else around as an adult and I'm sure it can be lovely if you're close adult siblings. But there is just as much chance of that never happening; my brother and I live on different continents now. I know loads of families where all the 'work' of older parents falls on one child unfairly even when siblings are around!

The only downside I see for ds is that the parental heat can be on. There is no sibling to use up your time and resources and worries, so all is focussed on the one, which perhaps could be suffocating. I really try to remember not to worry about everything with ds. I think "would I worry about this if I had a two year old round my ankles and was trying to bf a newborn as well?"

Furball · 13/09/2007 15:00

I've only the one ds who has just turned 6. There are pro's and cons, but we did what we wanted not what anyone thought we wanted. It's easy for someone to say 'it's cruel' etc (as someone has told me, quite how it's cruel I'm not sure?) It's not their decision to make. There have been 1001 previous threads about only children and everyone of them is positive.

It's your life, your decision if you and your dh want one child that should be decision enough.

Original poster

2hot2cook · 13/09/2007 20:33

thanx ladies, im new to mumsnet so sorry if ive brought up an old subject. its just some people are so bloody personal, you know the things they say, "oh not having any more" and looking all surprised. i feel i have to keep justifying myself.and yes, people have said to me "its cruel". i think its cruel to have another child just to "play" with the older one. im happy with one, but we are considering getting ds a dog! maybe start a new thread on that one! x

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widgypog · 14/09/2007 09:10

funny you should mention the dog thing as we have two cats(very much part of the family) and until recently amuch loved old horse so my dd has learned empathy and sharing mummys time and love from them. I think it is important having one that they learn they are not the centre of the universe. Also what some other posters have said I have a great relationship with my sister but my husband doesnt talk to his as they are just sooo different.

HappyMummyOfOne · 14/09/2007 13:48

We only have one child and planned it that way. I get sick of comments like "whens the next one coming" or "doesnt he get lonely" etc but now just ignore them and smile politely.

Its down to personal choice, DS is 4.5 now and I havent changed my mind about having another.

We have plenty of time to spend with DS and dont struggle financially. Having another would mean moving house to gain the extra bedroom and possibly having to give up work as childcare for 2 would be more than my wages.

I have 2 brothers and a sister and only really have regular contact with my youngest brother, there is no guarantee that siblings will get on.

Iklboo · 14/09/2007 13:51

I'm a mum to one and it's definitely staying that way. I'm an only one myself and DH says he only ever wanted 1 child

Theclosetpagan · 14/09/2007 13:53

I'm a Mum to one and it's fine. I didn't necessarily plan it that way but this is how it's turned out. I do worry about DS as an adult having no brothers and sisters to turn to, however, both my in-laws were only children and both say it has been fine as an adult.

Original poster

2hot2cook · 14/09/2007 20:35

yes, that does seem to be a common worry for parents of only children. i have 2 sisters but hardly ever see them, life is so different now to say 50 years ago, when entire fanilies lived in the same area. one of my sisters lives 200 miles away. i see more of my friends!

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