My friend's 2.5 toddler hit my 1.5 toddler on the head, and was told it was "OK, because it wasn't a hard ball"!!

[Woollymummy]

I want to know what you think....is it OK for me to give her some advice, or share my worries for her little boy. My feeling is he will get his head kicked in, or worse, one day because he hasn't been shown the correct boundaries. My little girl was shocked and scared, he thought it was funny, he practises hitting his sisiter regularly and as far as I can see is allowed to get away with it. I don't know what to do, I am scared for him and his mum, dad and sister, as he is obviously annoying them and yet nothing is being done about the situation.

What should I do? I want to email her, can't quite gather my courage to put a phone conversation that direction, and cannot talk to her when visiting as the kids would be there. Help!!

If the parents mention worries about their child then it is ok to give them advice.

You could mention different resources that help with childrearing - pointing it out subtlely by saying 'oh x helped me on my weaning/milestone etc worries'. You can mention programmes like surestart (depending on age of child) or other organisations that help parents.

If you are truly worried you can contact their HV (if the child is young enough) or social services.

What you never do is offer unsolicited advice, to a parent who has not asked for it, whatever age the child is - unless you want to lose that friendship.

If you are worried a friend isn't coping you could try asking them 'are you ok, you look a little down/stressed'.

What you don't do is come out and say 'I think you are parenting your child wrongly' in whatever form of words you choose when nothing the parent has said has made you think they are not coping, or they haven't shared any worries/stress with you. It;s the most likely way to get someone's back up and stop them asking for help/advice if they need it.

development delays can be caused by many things. Some of them have nothing to do with stress or the home environment.

I would think it was extremely unlikely that growth development was caused by something purely psychological rather than physical.

By the way, Armadillo, I am not talking about parenting knowledge, I have none, I was talking about my own instinct and feelings, and what I felt was right. I have no knowledge of how to raise children, I have never done it before, and what knowledge I have is not amazing it is patchy and picked up as I go along, what I read here or what people tell me, so please don't think I am trying to tell people what to do. I am seriously wondering what you all do, what you think is OK and what isn't. Perhaps I should have started the thread at a different time of day to catch other people...thanks for your understanding.

Look I really don't know what you want.

You asked what people thought of the situation - they gave you their answers.

You asked what they thought of your friend's parenting techniques - they gave you their answers.

You asked when you thought you should approach other parents about worries about their children/parenting/whatever - you got an answer.

I really don't know what the issue is anymore. Maybe you didn't like the answers. Maybe bumping it another day/time will give you different advice, but I give up, completely confused, headachey and tired.

Good night.

I am as confused as you armadillo.

Developmental delays are NOT caused by having a boisterous brother. Nor are they caused by 'bad'/inefeective parenting (not that I've heard any evidence at all of bad parenting on this thread). What sort of developmental delays is the girl showing? If she is on the small side perhaps its from being a twin, or perhaps its just her - ds2 is small compared to his brothers, ds3's feet (3 years younger) are only a size smaller than ds2. It's this sort of suggestion that made me think you were on a wind up (although I suppose I was blamed for ds1 not talking when he was just under 2- was told I must be talking over him or I must be ignoring him- now he's 8 and still not talking those same people have disappeared back under the rock from which they originally crawled- not that I'd have anything to do with them anyway).

You are making a huge leap from normal 2.5 year old behaviour to a violent teenager with no boundaries and uninterested parents. Stop thinking of a normal 2 year old in the same terms as an 18 year old.

If the mother raises concerns about the development of her dd she needs to ask her GP or HV for a referral to a developmental paediatrician. At 2.5 signs of concern would be lack of any speech, having had speech and lost it, failure to point out things of interest, to a lesser extent problems walking down stairs etc None of which would be caused by her brother. IF she has concernes about her size then I guess HV would be the first port of call, although again I can't see that her brother would have anything to do with her size.

good grief. have read beginning of thread, then skimmed the rest..

wooly, get a grip. find some time to unwind fgs and stop obsessing about other peoples normal children (wtf is normal anyway? i dislike the term, just for the record).

you are so going to feel like a nob when you have more/older kids - i hope you do.

Can't read anymore and not comment: I agree and don't agree.

Teaching that hitting with softer ball is bizarre way to deal with hitting problem - you then get the problems of 'well is this one soft daddy, or this one?' Perhaps daddy at that point would say - 'well bash your sister on the head with it and if she cries hard, it's not soft enough'?? It is not acceptable - end of story. HOWEVER - he is 2 1/2 and it's totally normal, unacceptable behaviour. Most 2 1/2 yr olds know that they're doing wrong, but it's so much more fun just carrying on! My ds did lots of things at 2 1/2, and 3 and then stopped - he just grew out of it and I kept the messages very simple, the attention very low for nasty occurances (time away with no discussions on the subject) and lots of positive praise. He won't (in all likelihood) grow up to be a teenage thug - although I hope they don't start comparing baseball bats to iron bars in the future for possible hitting aids (I am only half joking)

It's extremely annoying having a child who consistently means your children can't enjoy themselves for fear of getting hurt - I've had it happen many times and I've just kept on with the friendship and at the times had lots of conversations with the other mums re: boundaries, how exhausting are they, why do some do it and others not etc, etc. Sometimes we chose somewhere else - i.e. not soft play - always seemed to bring out the worst in them! I always suggested reading/re-reading 'toddler taming' by Philip Green - simple and common sense. FWIW, my ds was a pretty well behaved ds - no hitting, just lots of 'hammering' on everything with any implement he could find; dd1 was easy, dd2 hit everyone, all the time - she's 2 1/2 now and has almost stopped doing it - except when my dad gets hold of her and they have 'fun slapping games' - at which point my dad gets a lecture on being a twit from my mum and I!!!!

i think thats what i meant, it is normal, naughty behaviour, and they are not treating it the right way. i cant think of anything worse than telling one of my kids its ok to beat up the other one. you dont know the family, i do, i have seen how the boy gets his own way in everything from feeding to where to go out. i dont think its nice to wish that i feel like a nob when i am older and have more kids, i was asking what you thought and found your answers contradictory and confusing, which is why i kept on. i rely on this place for help, mainly as a lurker. i might just go back to that way. its obviously annoying to you to have people a=thinking differently from you

You might think its not the right way, but it is a way that clinical psychs etc suggest for repetitive impulsive behaviour as I've repeatedly said on this thread. I know that because as I have also repeatedly said when ds1 was thwogin heavy stuff down the stairs (which would have potentially killed anyone caught underneath) we were advised to redirect his throwing activities to soft objects that would not harm. IE not to stop this behaviour (as it was felt that wouldn't be possible) but to redirect it.

"its obviously annoying to you to have people a=thinking differently from you".

I don't see where anyone has got annoyed because you think differently.

I think there has been a certain amount of exasperation from other posters who have spent a lot of time offering advice gleaned from their experiences, and perhaps feel you haven't taken it on board?

And I think you may have got annoyed with those who think differently to you!

i hoped you had more and older kids. not that youd feel like a nob. i think you will prob cringe at your assured judgment of others when you do.

i feel that you are unreasonable in your judgemtn of this family, and that you are resistant to people explaining to you that may be the case. if you only want people to agree with you, then you need to stick to v non contraversial topics. there are many opinions in the world and mumsnet is a place to find them and discuss things. but you have to be prepered to listen too.

FGS let it go.

He is 2.5 hardly the making of an axe murderer.

If you don't want your DD exposed to this sort of behaviour, don't see them anymore.

It aint rocket science.

(That's my first FGS on MN, ever).

OberonKenobi - I definitely agree with your last point - my usual fault!! Thanks for all your wisdom, I'll report back in 10 years time

"(That's my first FGS on MN, ever)."

ditto dejags!

wooly yes I do understand what are you trying to say here.

I had friend who commented on how I was dealing with DD (being very clingy at 1.10 - normal toddler behaviour) and offered suggestions. I welcomed them with open arms. we are not experts, especially with first LO and sometimes a different point of view based on different experience can be extremely welcomed and useful.

It does not have to be followed but if it might be good and resolve the situation. and make life easier for the kids and yourself.

that's my opinion. there's no arm in offering positive advice.

Thankyou Pippi!