Really don't want.my child any more

[Knocksomesense]

I'm desperately trying to parent the child i have and not the child I want but I'm just not strong enough.

He's an absolute toad. I've posted many many threads about him. There's nothing I'm enjoying at the moment.

I need help or something but no one is listening. He's been in time out twice today and urinated purposefully both times.

I'm failing this child and just can't work out what to do with him

Don’t worry about school’s opinion .Their thoughts count to an extent, but you live with him. I think you should push for autism assessment with HV.
In the meantime, read up as much as you can about autism in toddlers/early years so that you can understand more about why he might be behaving the way he does and about how you can support him.

He may conform to the routine at school or nursery.
Doesn't mean you can't get support.

Writing a journal if you have time to will really help you with logging patterns of behaviours. You may find that there are triggers which are causing him to have these outbreaks.
You are doing the right thing by keeping things consistent and that's really important.
Preschool should be helping you though!! Working in childcare I can tell you now that they have access to family support for behaviour management. Talk to management and if you dont get a reply go to tour health visitor and ask them.
You're not alone in this and there is support out there for parents/families with a child with "challenging" behaviours so please dont feel isolated.
Again, keep a journal and log what's happening as this will help give you some clarity later when you reread it.
Wish you all the best!

I love how your post apparently 'screams' asd after a few paragraphs, according to pp's. I diagnose asd and nothing you've said would make me think asd over a multitude of other potential things. If he behaves differently for other people and in other environments and then it sounds like he's a clever boy who knows how to push your buttons. And it's now become a cycle. Yes children with asd can mask but it's very hard for a such a young child to do that in every other environment apart from 1, consistently.

Can you access a family worker, parenting course, early help in your local area?

My SS masks his ASD, it took a long time to get anywhere near a diagnosis.

He is an angel at school and was at nursery too. Yet I would end up with bruises, scratches, a black eye, nose bleeds...totally beaten up by him. He hurt his baby brother, strangled him to the point that he was blue (my husband was in the toilet and I was packing my bag with my lunch for work and he was left alone for 1 minute). He would smash things and just scream, he also used to urinate on the living room wall on purpose.....but no, as far as they were concerned, no problems and no help.

I met him when he 14 months (he has been with my husband since birth and very little contact with his BM so I am the woman who raised him since then) and I knew the moment I met him he had ASD.

He is now 8 and FINALLY school got on board when he was about 5 and a half but still half heartedly and we have our final diagnosis appointment on 17th March, had the 1st part with the computer assessment which said ASD.

Thankfully he is very rarely violent anymore, 1 incident at home in the last year. He is able to control his anger much more now. However he suffers with severe anxiety and talks about wanting to be dead a fair bit but then getting terrified of certain things causing his death like fires ect.

You are doing nothing wrong, it is hard and just keep seeking help. Go to the GP and you can start the referral process, that is the way we had to do it. They referred us to a paediatrician and child psychologist and although the process has been slow the end is finally in sight.

However, a diagnosis doesn't really do much, but you an access different services and get more support depending on your area. Thankfully my area has a fair amount. We also want an EHCP plan in place for secondary school as I know he won't cope in mainstream.

Anyway, I am rambling, but you aren't alone. You are doing your best and love him. Keep trying to seek help and you will get there in the end!

I haven't read your previous threads, but my DD has gone through phases on extreme resistance to anything and everything, biting and hitting me, screaming in my face etc. I have found praising every small achievement has helped a lot recently. If his behaviour is good at preschool, he could be reacting to stress at home and cannot express it in any other way, so acts up. Hang on in there, it will change, he wont revenge wee forever.

What are his motor issues? Do pre school agree he is behind on those?

If you can't keep a diary can you try and take quick photos of places, damage, injuries, incidents so you have some kind of record? I take a quick pic and email it to myself with the same subject title every time so I can search for them.

I have a challenging younger child (she's 11). I've learnt the hard way to not use traditional parenting techniques as it just doesn't work.

3 yrs can be so so hard. Ds1 was so easy and Ds 2 was a massive shock. At 3 he was refusing to potty train taking off nappies and weeing everywhere and he could moan all day long. Later very stubborn in play dates. Would just leave the child, walk off and ignore them if he wasn’t interested.
Now he’s older and things are much better.
You are doing your best. It’s all we can do as parents. Maybe his day is too much for him? And he lets it all go at home.
In the end I stopped all play dates. It just wasn’t worth it and he wasn’t interested.
If he likes purposeful activities would he enjoy playing with non breakable kitchen items? Or if you have a garden a mud kitchen? Does he like rough play with his Dad?
Hopefully the Hv can help. Sometimes is helpful to video the difficult behavior so health professionals can see what is going on.
I don’t know if this is helpful but I stopped asking mine to do things and issued instructions. Simple instructions- put your shoes on rather than can you put your shoes in. Ds terrible 2s lasted into age 4 and called down as he got to 5. Looking back I think he was frustrated with all the things he wanted to do but couldn’t.

Hi op, your ds sounds like mine, but much younger. I've just started an online course called positive parenting and it's by some child psychologist - Amy something. It's early days for us but I think it's working. It's hard because you have to shake your negativity first and change your behaviours before you start to see a change in their behaviour, so at the very start you think why am I even bothering to invest so much time and emotional energy when I just feel like giving up, but actually it is starting to make a difference now, thank goodness, so it's really worth it. Maybe if I'd started at 3yo it would have been easier.

DD1 was 3 before anyone truly listened that she was hard work and I was a terrible parent. She has SN (a brain malformation) and goes to Special School (she's 14 now).

DD2 was 'interesting' and I raised concerns about her from about 18 months, on and off. Despite her struggling at 2 schools to the extent that she had to leave (anxiety), it took until she was 9 for anyone to take me seriously and 11 to be diagnosed with ASD. She actually got diagnosed really quickly once she saw the specialists because they could see she had ASD from the first meeting so we skipped a few appointments and went straight to assessment after sitting on the waiting list.

My top tips (I'll stick to 3, but have many!):

1. Keep a diary. Try to look at the ABC: Antecedent (what happened before the incident) Behaviour (what did he/ you do) Consequence (what happened as a result). For example, you might find a pattern that when plans change, he sees himself. What seems deliberate could be a reaction to being out of control. It is so helpful to be able to say "when this happens, this is the result..." instead of 'he's really hard work!'

1. Reduce your words. If he struggles to process,

use key words only. So "Thomas, shoes on", then "Thomas, shoes." If this creates a huge negative effect, then you'll work out he's demanded avoident, so you can switch to the 'side activity' approach: "Ooh I need to go to the shops... I need shoes on. I'm going to put my shoes on..." (aim is he joins in without you telling him to).

1. Try using 'Now, Then' 'Now we go to the shops, then we go to the park.'

Most of all, be kind to yourself. It's utterly exhausting

I think there is an issue. School disagree

School are not qualified to diagnose autism and many people who work in schools wouldn't recognise autistic traits at all. some schools actively discourage parents from getting help for their children, they blame poor parenting and "don't see" any issues and say a child is "fine"

The difference between a child's presentation at home - letting all the frustrations out as it's where they feel safe- and their presentation at school - quiet almost model pupil - is typical of autism.

You know he's very different to his peers, go and see your GP and explain that you are concerned, take a diary of incidents with you and ask your GP to refer for assessment.

@minipie yes school have highlighted his motor issues. Their words are "he is more unsteady on his feet than we would expect"

He falls over a lot. He used to just fall on his face but thankfully protects himself now. He looks clumsy when he walks and runs. He sort of lurches when he walks. His legs get tired quickly. He has only in the last couple of months learnt to jump - initially clumsily but now kind of ok. His spatial awareness is poor - he will crash into objects and people. He isn't confident on the stairs and prefers to hold hands but is now able to do them independently. His fine motor isn't great either according to preschool but I can't really comment as I'm not sure.

He also has glasses as his vision isn't great and both eyes squint

I'm reading your comments with great interest. Thank you all so much.
Hopefully the health visitor will be supportive when i hear from her. I've met her several times and she knows us. We have a massive file with the health visitors I imagine

You could be writing about my DS. Our home life was hideous at that age. We took him for a private ASD assessment, and low and behold, he has ASD - and ADHD.

I know people are well meaning when they give you advice IRL, but until you understand how your DS's mind really works, you will continue to sink. This isn't about your parenting. Help him - and yourself - and start swimming again

Honestly, we went through all of that with DD1. She was 'clumsy' and 'unsteady', we were told. So we bought sturdy trainers instead of the summer sandals she was wearing.

Then she was 'tripping' a lot. So we took her to the GP who said she had an ear infection.

Then she was falling over but they couldn't work out why (by then she had 1:1) and I finally had enough. I took her to the GP and said "First she needed 1:1, now she's falling over for no reason, there must be something! She said 'what would you like me to do?' at which point I exploded. I said 'I don't know, I'm not a doctor. What do you think you should do?' She sent us to the hospital that night and she was diagnosed with epilepsy (drop attacks) and global development delay.

Sounds exactly like DD. Any history of lopsidedness eg did he favour one hand or arm as a baby? (hemiplegia) Or very stiff legs? (diplegia)

If you can’t get the behaviour taken seriously by nursery or medics as it’s only at home, then ask them to look into the physical stuff.
It may be easier to get the physical stuff looked into as it’s all the time/not subjective. Also IME medical people tend to be more focused on physical issues.

In your shoes I would ask your HV or GP to refer to a paediatric neurologist. We saw a paed neuro when DD was nearly 4 and she was able to diagnose her with CP just from one consultation (although it was later confirmed with MRI). If the neuro doesn’t think it’s CP they can refer you on to developmental paed to consider asd/adhd/dyspraxia. CP is easier to diagnose/rule out compared with ASD/ADHD I believe, especially at young ages, so it makes sense to start there.

Regardless of label, if your DS is struggling physically he will be very very tired, which will (partly) explain the awful behaviour. Does he go to nursery only in the mornings? DD was well behaved at nursery because she was only there in the ams and wasn’t tired. By pick up she was exhausted and it all came out at home. Can you get him to nap?

@minipie that's massively useful, Thankyou. He has his third paediatrician appointment coming up in May. The vision and physical issues have become evident since his last appointment in November. Or rather we didnt know it was an issue. He is with the paediatrician due to gastric issues.

He goes to school three mornings as he doesn't have the stamina for much extra. Falls asleep every time on the way home. In fact, he still naps 90m daily.

His growth is kind of lacking. He continues to slowly and gradually drop centiles for height. I've spoken to the paediatrician by phone recently and he said the next step is to check his hormone levels. He's a very good paediatrician with an interest in gastric issues but i don't think is a specialist.

It just feels like we won't get his numerous issues sorted before he starts school. He should be increasing his preschool hours in april but I don't think it will be good for him

I just don't understand why millions of mn threads are saying YES ASD, YES AUTISM. When school are just saying he doesn't present as having autism. It's frustrating.

Many schools are very bad at spotting autism.

Make a list. Go to your GP. Ash for a referral to CAMHS.

Another one here with an absolute hell-raiser - I think one of my biggest regrets at the time was assuming adapting our parenting could address all of his issues and that he didn't need assessments etc. Now he's in the system and recieving various diagnoses and support, I see how valuable they are.

I say this because I know how emotionally draining it is to be in the middle of it and not feel you have the ability to take notes/send emails/make applications etc. But I wish I had spent a little less time reflecting on my parenting and more time trying to access support. So do whatever you need to to try and make a bit of headspace for yourself(for me it was more screen-time for the kids and less cooking from scratch!) so you can invest your energies in the right place.

Also, totally resonate with what you've said about him not playing and only wanting purposeful activity. My DC are still the same many years later. It can be channelled though - our house is neater and tider and our DC achieve more around the house than the vast majority of our peers, largely because I take the approach that if they're awake (and therefore not playing/entertaining themselves) then I'll be channelling them into some sort of useful/helpful activity. DC (7yo) cooked dinner three times for us this week because, for him, it's a preferable activity to 'playing' or otherwise entertaining himself.

Finally, music, headphones and audiobooks have been an asbolute godsend. Whether its to help with leaving him to sleep, or just providing some stimulation that isn't directly linked to a screen, this has been wonderful for our DC.

Can you access your local children’s and family’s services- usually via the council or ss. They can help in terms of facilitating asd assessments, ehcp’s if required and also parenting courses to help with parenting a “difficult” child, coping strategies and the like.
I feel for you- most children go through a period of being absolute toads but when it’s relentless and nothing you do pleases them it’s soul destroying and makes enjoying time with them so hard. You love them but you don’t particularly like them at times.

I mean difficult in the sense that asd or none nt children often require differing parenting strategies than an nt parent would naturally attempt. (One asd teen and one nt toad)

Ok, so it’s good you are already with a paed as you’ve got through the GP gateway (barrier!!) already and they will refer you on to other paeds with different specialisms more readily than a GP. That’s my experience anyway.

The gastric stuff, my DD also has reflux on and off, although we didn’t realise till she was 6ish. Reflux and vision issues (esp visual field issues) are common with CP. I don’t know about growth, we haven’t had growth issues, but I do know kids with CP are often shorter than they “should” be iyswim so it must have some impact on growth. Does he eat much or do the gastric issues affect his eating?

All in all I think there’s plenty of reasons to ask for a referral to a paediatric neurologist to consider CP. Especially if he was very ill at birth as then the history fits too.

He must be finding all those physical difficulties very tiring and frustrating. And painful too if he has reflux. So it will come out in his behaviour. It’s really good that he naps. How does he sleep at night?

Be prepared even if you go through all the assessments to being told your child doesn't meet the criteria. We have a DS with one diagnosis which I firmly believe will be changed to ASD in the next 18 months. The labels help in terms of trying to access support and directing you towards parenting techniques. You might not get the 'right' diagnosis (if there is one...) for years. The only thing you can do in the short term is take care of yourself (most important), find support, try different parenting styles (if you have the energy..) and see what seems to work, start understanding how his issues may affect his experience with education - you will need to be his advocate (and that is exhausting in itself) but yes it is very hard to love your challenging child sometimes... like when my 8 year old called me a 'fucking idiot' at drop off today....

Just re read and saw he has a squint in both eyes. This is also very common in CP. Sorry to be a broken record! If it is that, the good news is that things will get better - the CP will always be there but as he gets older he will get stronger and be growing less fast and so will find everything less tiring.

One other thing, DD takes fish oils, magnesium and multivitamins and I think they help. Fish oils are also believed to help with ASD and other neurodiversities so worth a try.