Really don't want.my child any more

[Knocksomesense]

I'm desperately trying to parent the child i have and not the child I want but I'm just not strong enough.

He's an absolute toad. I've posted many many threads about him. There's nothing I'm enjoying at the moment.

I need help or something but no one is listening. He's been in time out twice today and urinated purposefully both times.

I'm failing this child and just can't work out what to do with him

Sounds like a tough day. Age 3 I've found the hardest. How long is he at preschool for? If he enjoys it there, why not use the 30 free hours and have him in there 3 or 4 days a week? They aren't particularly long days and the structure might help him.
We still get in the bed with our son until he falls asleep and he's 4. He would be very distressed if we didn't. At first I thought that was failure but I've accepted that right now that's what he needs and we go with it. It won't be forever.

I felt like this with DS1. He peed on my pillows, on the curtains, in his book box, and dropped my watch in the toilet. After having been told off. It got so I'd shut all the doors (he couldn't do the knobs) before telling him off.
That reminds me of my nephew. He was really horrible, and my DH (his blood relative) felt so bad about not feeling able to love his sister's child. But having been a really difficult child, he turned into a lovely teenager and an amazing young man. It's hard to square this successful and caring guy with the little boy who went out of his way to be mean to his sibling and cousins, and had my SIL in tears so often.

To use an old mn phrase, please be kind to yourself.
You are experiencing an incredibly challenging child and it is not easy.
It's not your fault.
It's just the way it is.
You have to get help for all your sakes.
Sorry if I've missed that you've explored all avenues , but have you had a frank discussion with your gp?
Hv as others have mentioned
Take as many hours pre school as you can, you need some breathing space.
I'm sending a handhold.
Keep posting you are not alone.

ASD. My son was just like this. Things are a lot better now with the right intervention and support. I really feel for you, I don't think I've ever quite recovered from those early years.

Have you had him assessed for autism? I am wondering if he might be on the spectrum. All your GP for a referral if you haven't already. (Sorry, I haven't seen your other threads).

It sounds to me too that you should get him checked for ASD. Being able to cope at preschooland not at home is normal.

You really have my sympathy. He sounds like hard work.

He sounds like my DD who has lots traits associated with asd/adhd (though her actual diagnosis is cerebral palsy). Age 3 and 4 were really really awful. But, a few months after she started school we turned a huge corner. She’s still a lot more challenging than the average child and things go up and down but she’s lovely a lot of the time and so so so much better than those pre school years.

Part of the turning point was getting her to sleep more/earlier. I stayed with her till she fell asleep, and still do now she’s nearly 8. She needs it to wind down. She now drops off within 5 minutes of me lying down with her so it’s not a big deal.

Hang in there.

I just don't understand why millions of mn threads are saying YES ASD, YES AUTISM. When school are just saying he doesn't present as having autism. It's frustrating.

I hash the same stuff over and over again and the conclusion is the same every time. I apologise for being boring and having so many of the same mn threads

I think there is an issue. School disagree.

I'm waiting for a call back from the hv. Hopefully tomorrow. She saw him a few weeks ago for a 3y check and he was mostly within the realms of normal

Ds1 also 'doesn't play' and lots of the things you mention ring true here. I believe he has sensory processing disorder, might be worth looking into this. It's helped me to understand where he's coming from sometimes.

To follow on from your latest comment. Likewise nursery & school haven't picked up on anything but I think that's just because he's good at 'hiding' it in the presence of others.

Check out your local children's centres. Ring and ask if a speech and language therapist is in attendance at any Stay and Play sessions. They can do an informal assessment. Then make a referral to the relevant agencies for further support.
Might be he needs strategies to be put into place and they'll advise you. Might be SEN based. Normally a child's paperwork in school had an education psychologist report plus S&L TRY resort.
Children's centres day it's easier to access support this way than their GP referral.

Having now read your other thread, well the opening post, I would really suggest you consider cerebral palsy as a possibility (perhaps dating from his infection at birth). CP is often thought of as a physical condition but it often comes with behavioural issues too. In my DD’s case the behaviour is much more pronounced than the physical issues though they are there too.

You mentioned in your other thread that ASD doesn’t quite fit, it sounds possible that CP could be a better fit. PM me if you want to ask anything.

My DD could always mask autistic traits at school etc due to the routine.
No one wld ever believe the quite different child we have at home.
She puts all her effort in at school, is sociable has lots of friends etc but at home we still have meltdowns, sensory issues etc.
She needs parented completely differently from her older brother.
You are doing your best, it's bloody hard.

Many children do not show ASD traits at school.. it is often masked by the routine of school. I have a little boy with ASD in my class, you would find it hard to know who it was but at home he cannot cope and has multiple melt downs a day. Home is their safe space where they can act how they need/want too! I would speak to your GP/HV

My Gran always said “you are never given more than you can’t cope with”

A religious sentiment but I like the idea. I try and remember it often.

It doesn’t particularly help and I have no useful advice but Just wanted you to know you are doing your best and, in my Grans opinion, he was sent to you because you are the best one to be his Mum 🙂

I can relate OP.
I have a boy who is 2 and a half and has recently settled in well at nursery. At home it’s a different story. Tonight he kicked me in the face because he didn’t want his nappy changing.
He won’t do anything he is asked. He’s constantly running away from me. He pinches and scratches and bites. All. The. Time.
Tonight I put him to bed with no story because after the kick to the face I couldn’t stomach it.
I’m certain he’s NT and nursery agree, I’m just hoping is toddler behaviour in the extreme.
I don’t have any help at all from family, but him starting nursery has helped me to have time to sit and have a cup of tea in peace.

And I feel guilty for not reading him a story after he kicked me in the face!!!

He and his brother are very close in age. Could either you or his dad give each child more one on one time? It might help.

Peasfox Tue 10-Mar-20 21:24:08
My Gran always said “you are never given more than you can’t cope with”

A religious sentiment but I like the idea. I try and remember it often.
.........
I've heard that too.

Not sure that it's always true.

OP nursery staff are not qualified to decide whether or not he has ASD. You need a referral to paeds ASAP - they are the ones who can decide if he is neurotypical or not.

@Lynda07 probably not! I often say it to myself through gritted teeth if I’m having a bad day! 😂

OP, honestly, kids can be such ratbags, and it's unfair that we just have to take it. My boys once or twice just walked up and punched me in the face when they were little. They deliberately destroyed stuff. They certainly didn't listen much, if at all, to instructions, unless treats were involved.

That being said, they do seem to get better with age. Mine are in primary school now and I can see them trying to be good. They grasp the basic concept now, I think. Before, they didn't.

The difference between ratbag kids and the well behaved kind seems so vast when they are young. I also have kids who would never initiate violence, for example. I thought at first there was something wrong with the other ones (psychopathic tendencies? Criminal monsters?) but no. Everyone said, no, they are normal. And that is turning out to be true (?)

That doesn't mean it's true for you, of course. But it might be. With mine I find the only solution is being super strict. Punish them when they break the rules, reward them when they do the right thing, without exception. It's not my first choice for parenting style, that is for sure, but it works best for them. 3 is still young though. I didn't see much progress until a few years after that, so sorry.

OP I have also found some good support from my local Children’s Centre.

I would consult with a HV or your GP and push for further tests. He displays autistic traits, to me.

OP, school isn't qualified to say if he has ASD or not. It's also entirely possible he's masking in his other setting and letting it all go when he gets home - that's incredibly common. Also ASD is hard to diagnose at 3 - most 3 year olds would display some autistic traits particularly as this is the age where the gap between what they want to communicate and what they can communicate is huge.

I know it's overwhelming, but a diary is a great idea.

As is reading up about ASD and PDA strategies.

This is the one thing I wish I'd done with my DS: treating him as if he were autistic (ie using ASD strategies) right from the start. Especially as it took him over 3 years to be diagnosed.

If he doesn't have ASD, using ASD strategies will do him no harm at all. If he does, you'll have a head start. And at the very least, you'll feel like you're doing something.