Working mums - does it become bearable or should I call it quits?

[sooveritalready]

Been back at work 18 months, have one DC who's amazing, but quite wilful and needy. Sleep has been very challenging.

Went down to doing the same job four days a week. It's not CEO level or anything but reasonably senior, has a team of 4, manage a big budget. It's in a huge multinational so standards are high, lots of pressure and responsibility, male dominated.

I bloody hate it. I used to be good at my job but now have barely got a grip on it. I'm always behind, can't see how I'll catch up and it's really getting me down.

Does it get better? Is it going to be better when DC is at school? Will I feel better about it after terrible 2s, or will I always have to plead with dc about every little thing!

I need to decide if it's all worth it? Sure it gives me some money for nice things but seeing most go straight out the door for childcare and travel to work means I actually work bloody hard for not very much.

Any hints or tips? Much appreciated.

Yes ime it got hugely better! When they started school was a real turning point for us but it got better before then when they could talk and control their impulses a little better. My youngest is 7 now and I am SO glad I stayed working.

Getting a cleaner was one of the best things we did and doing all our washing on Sunday. I went down to four days a week for a few years while dc were at nursery.

Oh thank goodness, so good to hear!

Do you have a partner to share the load, specifically the nights?

I sleep trained DS shortly after returning to work, it was the only way to survive.

That and an equal partnership.

I hear you.

I work three days per week. My girls are 5 and 2 and I am drowning.

It is so hard to get back to where you were if you leave altogether.
Is there any possibility you can cut your hours further for the next few years? I did just 2 days pre school, just kept things ticking over, then gradually increased my hours again. I did have to change role to go to 2 days. I also work for a huge company and they did find me something for the hours I wanted, it is hard for them to decline.

I’m in a very similar position to you (level seniority, budgets etc), and I’m a LP to a 3 yo and work 4 days.

It does get a bit easier, but I’m still in the trenches really. Work 4 or 5 nights a week 8.30- 12.30 to keep on top of things, and consequently am always tired and house always a mess.

On the other hand, love my colleagues, and love working so not sure I’d give it up... I’m just looking forward to the days when DS can get up on his own and grab a bowl of cereal so I can get a little more sleep...(and not at 5.30am as it usually is now...)

I do have partner.

He's ok, happy to take a back seat. DC has been super clingy for me and I've def has the brunt of bedtimes, night wakings, getting her up and out. And all the wife work. He's good at taking buns out and the garden lol

Hi. I did v similar for 18 months after DC1. It was just about do-able but I always felt really stressed. Felt on the back foot at work, totally on the back foot with the DC when I got home. After DC2 came along (and had also become a single parent shortly before his birth) I know u couldn't do it any more.

I temporarily decided to move down a level at work so that I wasn't managing anyone and was only responsible for my work. That made a huge difference. Without the team mgt I also went down to 3.5 days a week too.

Is there any way you could do something like that in your line of work? Obviously a flexible employer helps too.

Oh and meant to say.. DC both much older now (1 at secondary and 1 in year 5) and I am full time with 2 days a week from home. I never did go back to managing a team. I felt like I was doing enough 'managing' at home! It has made things a lot more flexible with work over the years as you are not so accountable. Maybe not the best story to prove you can 'have it all' but to be honest it has worked brilliantly for me as I don't feel as if I've missed out on anything the DC have needed me for it's been a great balance.. pits I'm just not stressed in a way I know I would have been if I'd have stayed at a more senior level

Maybe consider cutting to two days a week or maybe even change companies or change jobs altogether.
Now you are unhappy maybe time for a change. Even if it's something that's not as senior as you are used to, as long as you are happy that's all that matters. X

Lol? It's not funny
You are clearly intelligent (since you have a good job) so you must surely realise that men are capable of more than bins and gardening?!
This is why some working mums fall apart, they do everything and don't seem to question why their partners are not doing their fair share.
Different for single mums of course, they don't have a choice and I salute them.

Yes it definitely gets easier. Age 3 is a big step forward IMO and when they start school it gets easier again.

It sounds like the biggest thing you need is for your partner to step up properly. I have two DC aged 5 and 2 and work 4 days at a busy corporate job with a longish commute (1hr+). My life works because:

• cleaner
• reliable childcare
• ruthless prioritising and saying no at work to nice-to-haves and non-value-add shit
• choosing to work for orgs with cultures of flexibility and good w/l balance
• supportive bosses
• sleep training. We have boundaries around sleep once they are old enough to understand them. My health matters too.
• most of all, DH does his bit. We share time off for appts/school events/ sick days. He does all meal planning and most of the cooking. We share laundry. We shift the balance as needed - I do more of the hands on stuff with the kids but we negotiate and renegotiate if things change so it is fair.

The consequences of stepping out are huge and long term. If you enjoy working, don't do it until you have exhausted the options for better managing your DC's routine and sharing the load more. Dad can cope with clingy kids, and they'll be less clingy if they don't always get you.

I work FT as does DH. What works is:

• having a cleaner.
• DH doing his fair share. He does the morning routine. Batch cooks. Does the laundry when needed. And does the bulk of the parenting on the weekend.
• being ruthlessly organised
• it goes easier when the kids slept better

He needs to step up then and do some 'wifework'.
We had many arguments as I went back to work full time and wanted to spend weekends with my child not catching up cleaning. It all came right in the end.
He pitched in more, I lowered my standards and it did get easier.
So much so we had another 🤣🤣.

Yes it gets easier!!

You are in the thick of it now but I promise you it does get easier. Both DH and I have extremely senior city roles and two DC. The best thing that I could have done was pay for help: housekeeper, cleaner, gardener, home PA etc. It meant that when I wasn’t working I could concentrate on the DC.

I feel your pain - also back in work with an almost 2 year old, senior ish role. I would try to do all you can to sort the sleep issue - my son was a bad sleeper for a while and I honestly thought I couldn't keep everything going. But now he sleeps through again and work seems much more manageable.

Am glad everyone is saying it does get easier! Agree my main reason for staying in work is that I think it would be impossible to get back in again at this level with a gap...

It gets easier! Similarly to a previous poster, I had to make some changes at my work but it’s worked out just fine. I started a brand new career after maternity, started off full time. I only lasted 10 months, 5 dats was just too much. I changed to 32 hours for 4 days. DS is now at school, I have moved up a fair bit in my career, I love what I do and have a lot more flexibility now too. I stepped away from managing people though, I found that this was just too much and was significantly affecting the flexibility.
DP works 12h shifts so sometimes he just can’t physically be there for us and it sometimes all just gets messy and chaotic. However, it’s still a lot easier than 6 years ago and I never ever regretted working.
All the best for you OP

@sooveritalready I could have written your op word for word, only I’m expecting dc1 and worried about this exact same thing! Thank you for posting as it’s great to get others experience and suggestions, and to see that I’m not totally irrational for thinking I may experience this!!

A little bit worried about people mentioning sleep training!
But from people who I've spoken to, it does get better.

Depending on his work pattern I would force him to do more by splitting the mornings and evenings between you, taking it in turns, and being either out of the house before everyone gets up, or home early to minimise evening stress. She'll soon get used to him. Equal parenting is vital, plus the hour I sometimes get to the office before everyone else is when I get most done. Are you being as focused and ruthless about your role at work as you could be? Look at what you are actually being paid to do, and do that, cut any extraneous crap. I would actually consider going back to 5 days and buying in more help, as people on 4 days at your level often tend to be doing a full time role anyway, but are paid 20% less