Working mums - does it become bearable or should I call it quits?

[sooveritalready]

Been back at work 18 months, have one DC who's amazing, but quite wilful and needy. Sleep has been very challenging.

Went down to doing the same job four days a week. It's not CEO level or anything but reasonably senior, has a team of 4, manage a big budget. It's in a huge multinational so standards are high, lots of pressure and responsibility, male dominated.

I bloody hate it. I used to be good at my job but now have barely got a grip on it. I'm always behind, can't see how I'll catch up and it's really getting me down.

Does it get better? Is it going to be better when DC is at school? Will I feel better about it after terrible 2s, or will I always have to plead with dc about every little thing!

I need to decide if it's all worth it? Sure it gives me some money for nice things but seeing most go straight out the door for childcare and travel to work means I actually work bloody hard for not very much.

Any hints or tips? Much appreciated.

@Finfintytint Please don’t despair for me. I work but also look after my children full time.
@Divebar ‘if you are in a position to’
@ChainsawBear you’re welcome 🤪

This subject obviously hits a guilty nerve with some people! Why work if it’s only to pay for childcare for your kids and be constantly stressed? There are lots of other options out there.

It's very tough going, OP, but keep going. Once you've dropped down, it's very hard to pick up and your confidence will be knocked forever. I speak from experience. You do need a supportive DP. And also get a cleaner, someone to do garden/odd jobs, good home hairdresser. I'm a lone parent now as DP refused to pull weight.

he's not perfect but does do more than just bins and gardening

But not half, right?

What made the difference for me was paying for a cleaner, and a recognition from my DH that he needed to do half the school/nursery runs. The second one was absolutely what saved me from feeling stressed all the time. Days where I had to get the kids up and out, commute, do a days work, commute again and get there in time to collect them were awful, still hate it when I have one of those. We arrange ourselves so that one of us is responsible for the children each morning and the other one each evening. Makes a massive difference to me

OP, is jobsharing a possibility? Best thing I ever did post-children: I was able to work in a senior role 3 days a week without feeling guilty that the work wasn't getting done on the other two. I appreciate that a) you may not be able to/want to reduce your hours and b) your firm may not be open to it.

So glad to hear all this feedback. I also took a step back from managing a team of 6 to just managing myself in a more technical role and this was the best decision, as I felt I was already managing enough at home! Although I always questioned if I was letting myself down.

DH definitely does 50% if not a little more as DD is very clingy with him. Agree with every one about online shopping, cleaner and keep going, it gets a LOT easier when they turn 3, well, most of the time...

I'm going back to work in 7 weeks when DS is 18 weeks old. Compressed hours to do 4 days a week. Reading all these tips is super helpful.

I have three year old twins, worked full time (nurse) before they were born and went back full time into a less senior position in a different area (my choice). I then dropped my four day week so I was working three 12 hour shifts and that’s been such a struggle, I’m now in the process of dropping down to two days a week which will help massively.

We’ve been struggling a lot over the last year and it’s been very very difficult but come August the kids go into full time nursery and I can see things improving from then.

I've found the responses really interesting. I've worked part time since the first of my the children was born 26 years ago. I work in a professional role and only had one promotion in that time. It has always felt balanced. We've not had lots of money to spare, functional cars and we did buy in a cheaper part of the country. My husband had a moderate salary. I don't feel as though I have achieved all that I could have at work, but it has always felt sane and I could breathe. There are many opportunities out there for talented women. Can you ask for a sabbatical to see how is changes things?

Yes it gets easier.

Organisation and routine are key for a family with 2 working parents - bags unpacked and repacked night before, dinners that are in the oven on a timer or just need pots turned on when you get in rather than lots of chopping and stirring and adding bits and pieces, learn to let go certain things temporarily etc.

When you walk in the door from work, priority is hot food fast. While waiting for food to cook, it’s time to empty bags and chat to DC about their day. Open washing machine (let it run while you’re out in the day) and throw clothes into dryer. Maybe repack bags then if practical (otherwise in the after dinner slot). Get DC to help with jobs while you chat - “what was the best game today, and can you get me a clean pair of socks please?” Kind of thing.

Clean dry clothes go somewhere in a basket during the week to rummage through if needed, but only fold at the weekend or a relaxed evening when watching tv - can be a good job to do together with DH (and even DC - pairing socks is a good small person job). My approach was to have plenty of clothes for all when DC was small so we shouldn’t need to rummage too often midweek, taking pressure off.

Some evenings that are more relaxed, or at the weekend when you are in the kitchen anyway (I used to do it while cooking a Sunday roast) make a big pot of sauce for the following day and to freeze some for the following week. Curries, bolognaise sauce, chilli, and even whole meals like lasagna, cottage pie, smoked fish and broccoli pie etc are all good to freeze.

While not for every week, learnt o shop online for groceries frequently. Try to do your major food cupboard items (pasta, rice, jars of sauce, bottles of squash, tins, etc) and cleaning items those weeks as well as enough fresh for that week. So the weeks you go in person are more about the fresh foods and having some time to See the conveniences available (some of which aren’t on the online shelves ...grr!). And embrace convenience- have good jars of sauce (fresh in fridge or longer term jars in cupboard), fresh pasta (cooks really fast), a few storecupboard items that can turn into meals (tuna, corn, frozen peas, eggs, cheese) always on hand etc. You can still do nice meals on non working days, and even still fresh on working days but they need advanced thinking and prep (night before peeling the veg or getting things from freezer etc).

If you can afford it, get a cleaner.

Build some time for you to clear your head for work. The occasional coffee en route to work after dropping DC to childcare. DH collecting one evening so you can go to the gym or for a walk/run alone/with a friend. Or doing the home childcare to let you get out one evening a week for exercise or a hobby.

I started a masters in economics when dd was 9 months old and my head for numbers had been completely scrambled when she arrived - but I made time to swim before Uni 2 a week, and I was also working FT again while doing the thesis from her being 17 months (I got 8 months out of the office for the academic year taught part). It feels like that time was a fog now, but I got through it and was put on a desk managing serious economic and political numbers just as the economic crash happened.

It was slightly hairier for a short while when she got to primary school as that was near home rather than a Creche near work, but it settled after a few months again once we figured out the new routines that worked. She’s in secondary now and I’ve been back travelling internationally for a good few years again and feeling on top of work.

And don’t forget to fake it til you make it. Men tend to not show any weakness or insecurity - whereas women definitely feel less confident in their ability and results even when they are doing just as well if not better than their counterparts!! Seriously!!

Yes I forgot to mention staggered pickup and drop-off, which we've always done. I get up early, dress and leave, and can fit the gym in before work. DH wrangles and does handover. I then leave early, pick up and do bedtime, except on the day a week we flip it so I can go out after work. My nanny feeds them tea so don't need to cook when in the door - we have adult dinner when they're in bed.

DH built a meal planning spreadsheet () and we get our shopping delivered.

(I was back at work FT when DD was 5 months old. DH did a fair amount of baby related stuff too, and we shared drop-off/collections generally each doing one per day but juggling when one or other needed extra flexibility.

And our cleaner comes once a fortnight, which is enough to have a good clean done, including mopping floors etc, she'll change sheets if we leave clean ones out, - but we can keep the kitchen clean ourselves daily and do the bathroom a couple of times in between her visits so the house is ready for her to come again but not like a bomb hit it entirely).

I understand this. I work 3 days a week and have an 19 month old. DH does his fair share.

I also feel like I’m drowning. DD sleeps fine but I’m ill all the time, I miss stuff at work (although it’s not at all senior). I miss her more than anything. She was an awful awful unhappy baby, but she’s amazing now and I’m missing out. I cry most days I’m at work.

I’d much rather be enjoying time off as a SAHM. No nursery run, lots of cooking, baby groups and days out.

A co working took a 5 year career break when she had her son who is the same age, I thought it was a bad idea when I first heard but now I’m starting to think she got it right.

If I have another child there’s no way I’ll put myself through being run ragged all the time. I’ll probably take about 3 years out! Chances are I will have another 40 years to work so it’s not going to make a difference.

It does get better, the older they are the easier they are.

You said you were good at your job, don't give that up, you have a good job and do know what you are doing.

Are the men in your positions dads? How do they manage it?

The good thing about good jobs is they generally pay week which means, you can get a cleaner, get someone to iron etc, pay for after school clubs, take the strain off that way, have lovely long holidays as a family so get to be away from everything and reconnect.

Your child gets to see you be a strong working women and we need more of those in management positions. So many women feel the strain is too hard after children and give up or step back. Which is why we have a world filled with mainly men in the top positions! There are many male CEO's that are dads, they don't let it stop them.