Working mums - does it become bearable or should I call it quits?

[sooveritalready]

Been back at work 18 months, have one DC who's amazing, but quite wilful and needy. Sleep has been very challenging.

Went down to doing the same job four days a week. It's not CEO level or anything but reasonably senior, has a team of 4, manage a big budget. It's in a huge multinational so standards are high, lots of pressure and responsibility, male dominated.

I bloody hate it. I used to be good at my job but now have barely got a grip on it. I'm always behind, can't see how I'll catch up and it's really getting me down.

Does it get better? Is it going to be better when DC is at school? Will I feel better about it after terrible 2s, or will I always have to plead with dc about every little thing!

I need to decide if it's all worth it? Sure it gives me some money for nice things but seeing most go straight out the door for childcare and travel to work means I actually work bloody hard for not very much.

Any hints or tips? Much appreciated.

There are lots of ways of sleep training fwiw. You don't have to do cry it out. But when your physical and mental health are suffering and you're on your knees at work, then your needs deserve to be on the scale.

Seriously OP, there are at least 2 big things, probably 3, that would likely make your work life much more manageable. Improving your DC's sleep and getting your DP to step up would make a big difference. Optimising your work life and prioritising/delegating like mad may be a 3rd.

Never got easier for me. I ended up reducing my hours massively and even then the juggling is often extremely difficult.

You don’t have a work problem, you have a useless partner. When he starts doing 50% of the parenting, you will be rested enough to concentrate on work.

I was in a daze for about 12 months and could hardly get my hair and (minimal) makeup on in the morning. Now baby is 4 and I've had a promotion and loving work
home. Things got better after the first year and then better again after the 2nd.

what's your childcare? A nanny alleviates the need to get child dressed / breakfasted / out of the house and means all their laundry / bedding is washed and toys kept in order etc. If there is budget for one, that is what made it tolerable for me (tho' admittedly we only got one once we had two)

Your DH needs to step up!

It's doable but get some help in. I had a cleaner and someone to collect my ironing. May get a few meals delivered too? Gusto or hello fresh?

The early years were hard but now both of my children are at school, I'm glad I pushed through
the difficult times.

DH need to step up too.

I've worked full time since all 3 of mine were 6 months old.
My advice would be get organised, sounds obvious but write lists, online shopping, clothes and lunches ready night before, strict bedtime.
I've never had any family help but do have an excellent childminder.
I don't have cleaner but share domestic chores with husband and we spend one full morning at the weekend blitzing the house.
I have quite a stressful job that requires evening work and I manage about 50 people overall but to be honest I've never found the work-life balance too stressful. I always knew I wanted to work so I didn't consider other possibilities and mine are all decent sleepers thank god.

I take the emotional labour. The parties and sleepovers and friends and homework and meltdowns and appointments and all that crap. DH does most of the 'wifework'. Yours does nothing. That's your actual problem.

This kind of thing makes me so angry.
Why the fuck should women try to juggle everything (after also going through pregnancy and birth!!) - we put unnecessary pressure on ourselves trying to do everything, whilst the men just toddle along generally just as before.
My exDH - note EX - was a bit like this.
Current DP / everything is shared - all housework, finances, everything.
We both work full time self employed, and there’s just no question of him doing any less than I do.
Don’t let him get away with it, OP.

Hear, hear @tigerbear.

It gets so much better. Hang on in there. The early years are the hardest by far.

If you are in a position to quit then I would do it. You’ll never get these precious years back. And life would be a lot less stressful!

So the OP should give up a career she’s worked hard to achieve because her child’s father is useless, @runrabbit? A strange decision.

It got better for me one they were all at school, until then it was hell. I cut hours from 5 days to 4, then eventually 4 to 3 for the last couple of years. My career took a big hit but I decided that the PT years were worth it. Still glad I made that decision.

But @runrabbitrunrunrun - why should OP have to quit and decrease her earning potential and become reliant on a man?

@BoudoirPink think we’re singing from the same song sheet here 😊

It does get easier but get DP to step up NOW before complacency sets in.
We both work full time.
I do:
pick-ups
laundry
general tidying
Washing up
DP does:
Drop-offs
All cooking
Packed lunches

We have a cleaner and get shopping delivered.

About a year ago we invested in proper after school childcare so that when we get home it is not all on us (or me - as it had largely been), it is hands down the best money we spend.

“You’ll never get those precious years back “. What a load of nonsense.
Have a sense of self worth. Keep working and don’t be reliant on a partner in order to facilitate their career at the expense of yours.
I despair and get quite depressed at women happy to do this.

If you are in a position to quit then I would do it. You’ll never get these precious years back. And life would be a lot less stressful!

Yes just quit.... I mean who needs an income and a pension anyway. Seriously overrated

If you are in a position to quit then I would do it. You’ll never get these precious years back.

You'll also never get your career back

You’ll never get those precious years back

Some rando on a forum has pointed out to me that time doesn't go backwards! My whole life perspective has changed! I shall impoverish my family and make myself miserable immediately, because the fact that time goes forwards never occurred to me before!

I could have written your post word for word 4 years ago. Once DS turned 3 things got a lot better and now I’m so pleased I kept working.

Thank you for lots of replies and hints and tips, I shall digest properly.

But I have been unfair to DP, he's not perfect but does do more than just bins and gardening. Sorry if I threw people off track. It's been hard while we work out our new world order but he does listen and adjust.

Work is the main problem, my role is growing and I've been trying to manage but have started discussions about changes and scope.

It's been really useful to hear it does get better for most people, so I know it's worth having those discussions and coming to a better solution that will get me through. Thank you x