Newborn.. feeling useless

[walnut87]

Hi,

My first baby is 3 and a bit weeks old. It’s not been an easy ride and I’ve been really up and down.

I think she now has a cold and I can’t get her to settle and feeding is not fun currently. She has been increasingly fussy the last few days and won’t settle on me often. I am so tired and want to try give my partner some sleep because he’s working. I think her fussiness is causing her latch to falter as well because I seem to be having problems with one of my nipples all of a sudden. I don’t want to give in breastfeeding as it’s gone so well so far but I am really struggling with not knowing what the hell I’m doing

She is hard to burp so our HV suggested infacol; it’s not any easier I don’t think, although to be honest I can’t remember anything anymore. I feel miserable because I hate trying to burp her and everyone says “oh sometimes they don’t need to” but she often ends up being quite sick if she doesn’t. I haven’t even done a day alone with her yet but can’t comprehend how I’ll manage with having to burp her all the time as it’s so tedious, I never know what I’m doing, and half the time it won’t even get anything out.

I have a lovely NCT group of friends and we all have our babies now, but everyone else seems to be coping and being braver about stuff. I worry about everything, I considered it a massive achievement to drive 3 mins to doctors to pick up her registration form. I’ve only been out in pram once (rural area, too muddy here atm) and I’m terrified of going to baby groups etc or anywhere tbh incase she cries and I can’t settle her.

We’ve barely done playtime, Timmy time, baths or even skin to skin because I just don’t know what I’m doing, it’s all I can do to feed and burp her. She’s been so fussy last few days. I can sometimes settle her if I sing to her. I’m not sure she’s ever alert enough for playtime unless she’s fussing and we’re calMing her.

I wanted to try do my first day alone with her today but not sure I’ll cope. It’s so hard trying to build myself up whilst trying to support the baby. There is a sling library I want to go to to try get an easier sling than. My wrap (we tried it once... she screamed) but I’m terrified she’ll start crying when we get out of the car. im so tired & not sure what to do.

She has settled now on my tummy after feed an hour and a half ago, I don’t know where the last 90 mins have gone. I can’t put her down as she was sick in her grosnug. I can’t seem to swaddle her properly otherwise. I’m so tired, I just can’t do anything and I feel so guilty.

Sorry, long rant.. not sure what I’m expecting anyone to say!!

That saline nose spray stuff is amazing. Stand by with a hankie to wipe away the rivers of snot after! But it really seems to help them breathe. Someone else also mentioned raising one end of the cot a bit at night, which worked for me too.

I well remember the misery of colds when they're very young and their nasal passages are so small.

Keep on keeping on, OP. Honestly, it does get easier eventually.

Aww honey. Newborns are hard! It isn't just you, i'm sure you are doing a wonderful job. It will get easier. The first 6-8 weeks were pure hell for us. We genuinely were like what have we done? This was a mistake!

The whole ' sleep when baby sleeps' is utter shite. They sleep for 2 hours at a time max and like you say usually on you! I'd say lower your expectations, don't worry if you don't have time to clean your house, wash your hair etc there were days when I hadn't done anything but draw the curtains, put deodorant on and eat a bit of brekkie by half 1 in the afternoon!

Also don't compare yourself to your friends. All babies are different and i'm sure they are struggling too, maybe they don't want to admit it? As for skin to skin and tummy time, never did the first, did the latter MUCH later on and DD is now 13 months and absolutely fine in terms of development etc.

Be kind to yourself, do what you have to do to get through the day. Much love xxx

Also similar to what PP have said, but we have a vicks vaporiser, which you can put menthol pads in. It fills the whole room with steam and really helps DD. We got it when she got her first cold at 4 months old - she got very upset as her nose was too blocked to suck her dummy. It worked wonders, and we still use it now for any cold she gets.

Thank you guys for explaining how combi feeding/formula worked for you.. I think we might give it a try. For my own sanity. Im not sure I can express a bottle a day, But I know the midwife said it’s easier to do when baby is in the room, however I can’t put baby down long enough to set pump up I have one bottle for tonight when my DPsnparents are meeting her for the first time so I don’t have to wap my boobs out in front of them, heh.

My HV is coming over tomorrow to talk to me so I will try write down all my questions to ask her. I wanted to phone GP but been with mum all day so haven’t. Maybe tomorrow. I don’t even know what to say on the phone to receptionist. You always have to have a phone call and they assess getting you in.

I am at my mums today so I can have a snooze but also getting overwhelmed by having to constantly be around her (mum) during day. Like I have no privacy. And I know singing soothes baby but can’t do that and sob when mums around it’s too private. So just feeling a bit trapped by situation. Which is irrational as she is feeding me loads and making me loads of food to take home too. I’m just used to alone time and I have none. I want to be able to cry in private. Nothings private anymore and I have to share everything with mum because she sees it all and asks and I know that’s lovely of her & she is being amazing but I really resent being in this situation. I am not this person.

I feel like I’m going nuts when it’s bad, then the fog clears a bit. I just tried to feed her and she kept pulling off and fussing and I got so fed up and mum was here and it was stressing me out more because I honestly don’t know if she had enough or not. And when it’s like that I just feel myself like mentally switch off, I just passed her to mum. I think something is wrong with me.

Think her nose is all blocked and given her the spray after feed (back to front I know, she was mega fussy when I woke up to feed her. Need DP here to clear out her nose, could go to his work but taking in wailing baby is not appealing when I know his colleagues will want cuddles etc.

Just feel trapped. And ungrateful. Know I’m being ungrateful, know lots of people don’t have their mums to help & she is amazing. Literally what is wrong with me.

Oh you poor thing. There is NOTHING wrong with you! Although you maybe suffering from pnd. But you're not ungrateful. I know what you mean about wanting to just be in private. I couldn't bear to let anyone see I was struggling and pulled away from people who could have helped me a bit. And we all get frustrated with our babies. Countless times I've got so irritated by my son that I've just handed him to my husband, saying 'take him' then walked off to cry and calm down. Some friends have even told me they've had to put them in the cot crying so they're safe, to walk into another room to take a few deep breaths and steady themselves. Babies are HARD and nobody tells you how hard it's going to be! This won't be you and your life forever. Please do call the GP though. My receptionist set-up is the same as yours. Do you think you could say to the receptionist 'I want to talk about postnatal depression with a doctor'? Remember they deal with everything all day long! If you don't feel you could say that to the receptionist, could you say you aren't comfortable discussing it with her/him, but that you've just had a baby and that you'd like to be passed onto a doctor please? If not, at least be honest with the HV about how you're feeling. They KNOW the newborn phase is incredibly tough, which is why there's so much of a push to talk about post natal depression and post natal anxiety and general wellbeing. Your baby will be fine ... she just needs food and comfort at this stage... but it's you that has greater needs right now.

What about a haakaa breast pump it attaches to the opposite side you are feeding from so collects milk that would otherwise end up in a breast pad.

@surreygirl1987 I will try call tomorrow, I know this isn’t right. HV is coming late morning and a friend is meant to be coming over in afternoon but might cancel that.

That’s exactly it too, not being able to bear people seeing me this way. It’s only mum. DPS parents came around tonight and were like “oh you seem to be coping well!” And that was just as bad, because I thought god that’s depressing how much of a face I am putting on. But I’m fed up of being vulnerable. I tried so hard to get myself into a good place during pregnancy and yet here I am.

Don’t think bubs is gonna let me sleep tonight.. put her down for half an hour and she became like frantic, and now the only thing that will settle her is sucking on me. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, why she won’t let us put her down. I can’t work our if she still has her cold. Or anything. l desperately want to put her down to sleep, she was doing two hour stretches before it was amazing, doubt we’ll ever get back to that now.

Doing night shift but in bedroom with DP as he sleeps as think part of this is feeling like I have lost him, not sleeping with him at night. I think that makes me feel panicky.

How long does this newborn phase go on for? How does it start getting better? She’s 4 weeks now.

@emma8t4 I have one but baby is too fussy atm, have to focus 100% on her when she’s feeding. Thank you for giving other side of the formula pic btw, that is what I worry about, potential sickness.

Have you tried sucking the snot out? Grim I know but boots do a device that you can. Also amazon prime sometimes have boots things so if you still need the vapour its worth looking there and signing for a free trial to get it that day.

I had pnd. I didn't stop feeding but honestly? Looking back if i had things would have been better. Not saying that's what would work for you but in hindsight i would have been able to enjoy more. Happy to tall more over pm about it if it and jow you feel if it would help you.

Can you combi feed? I knew people who shared night feeding with partners that way. Also if your parents and friends could, i one spent a day at a friends with netflix and her baby. She slept and i walked the baby, cuddled him and just took him in for feeds. It 'rest' my friend and helped her get through a bad cold the both had.

And as you can see I'm up bf number 2 which I'm debating combi feeding as i keep getting thrush and mastitis bad.

@Incontinencesucks yes we have one of the thingies. I can’t do it because I can’t breathe properly atm from cold so kinda relying on my partner to do it. Which is hard cause he’s at work most of day.

My mum is pretty much doing that for me. It’s just a horrible catch 22 because I don’t have any privacy & it’s making it worse for me in some ways. All I want is a day when I can cuddle bubs and play with her on my own, maybe go see a friend, and sleep also. In my own house. It always ends up being a whole day affair and I don’t end up doing stuff I enjoy with bubs. I desperately want to be a good mum for her in my own way and just the two of us sometimes but I can’t accrue enough sleep to make it happen.

I am asking HV about combi feeding today. I just need a plan for how to do it. I can’t think straight. I have got a GP appt this afternoon to talk about pnd.. I looked at the nhs website and I am getting more and more of the symptoms. But then sometimes I’m fine. Long drive to surgery and back with bubs >.

So glad you're seeing the GP and HV today. Please don't put too much pressure on yourself! If you feel like talking on mumsnet helps, let us know how it goes?

And you're really doing nothing wrong... so many babies won't let you put them down... My son would only nap on while being fed to sleep for the first two months or so of his life and I didn't realise how common and normal that was because nobody had told me!

Phases totally vary baby to baby but for me, life started getting a little better from the 7th or 8th week, when my son would let us put him down in his cot at a reasonable time in the evening and we started getting him into some sort of napping routine. Lots of my NCT friends thought it was far too early for this but I was really struggling and routine worked well for us. The worst weeks were definitely weeks 2 and 3 as my son crying all the time and refusing to nap was such a shock and I honestly thought he was broken. I'm not saying it was a picnic after 8 weeks, as my boy has always been a handful... but those first weeks without doubt the lowest of my life. I'm so sorry you're going through it too, but just know how many of us have a tough ride at first. You are doing nothing wrong... Babies are really really hard.

I could have written this myself! I have a 4 week old and just wanted to say you’re definitely not alone in how you’re feeling. My little girl has also just gone through a very fussy period of cluster feeding none stop and being quite unsettled, I think this coincides with a 3wk growth spurt. The last couple of days she’s been a lot more chilled, slept more and fed less with some decent 2-3 hour gaps so your baby might settle in the next few days after the growth spurt ends.

I’ve also had issues with wind / burping. This was causing my daughter to scream after almost every feed and I agree it can be a bit tedious burping them for ages especially if you don’t know if it’s working! I’ve found infacol has helped, it takes a few days to become really effective though I think. I’ve also found putting her in the sling right after a feed makes the burping easier and I can get on with other stuff in between but while keeping her upright.

With the sling..my baby screamed too and still does when I put her in but if you can endure the screams for 5-10mins I’ve found they settle once you start walking around because of the movement. Definitely give it another go as it’s been a game changer for me..I was bed or sofa bound pretty much before and getting really down / cabin fever.

Don’t worry about playtime, tummy time etc ive done nothing so far! Like others have said this is survival mode if you’ve managed to get dressed and have some breakfast before 11am you’ve had a great day in my opinion 😁 I knew a newborn would be hard but I hadn’t anticipated just how challenging it can be to get anything done! It’ll get better though and this phase is only temporary..sleep deprivation makes everything seem harder too.

I’ve started to express this week so my husband can give baby a bottle and give me a few hours sleep / to get a bath by myself etc in the eve. It’s really helped mentally and physically as it can feel a bit overwhelming with no break I think.

Are you me?! My baby was like this for the first 3 months. Colicky, never happy, cried all the time, indoors, in the car and at nct group. I had enough and bought formula for colic and stopped breastfeeding and never looked back. She stopped crying. No more colic. Fed really well and I was happy again x

Hope things are getting better for you and the GP helped.

Just noticed that you said your baby has a sleepyhead in the cot - this isn't recommended for unsupervised sleep, see here: www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/sleeping-products/

You poor thing, the first few weeks are so tough, but as many people have said, it doesn't last forever. You've been given some great advice here but I just wanted to say that you're doing so well.

The weekend is coming - I assume your partner also has the weekend off? Try and use this time to get some extra rest. I know it's really hard but do try and hand off to your partner as much as you can. I was terrible at this and believed I could do it all myself. As a result my husband felt like I didn't trust him with the baby which couldn't have been farther from the truth. I would swoop in when she wasn't settling with him and this turned into a vicious cycle - he would get anxious when she wouldn't settle as he didn't want me to come in and take over. He would get frustrated which would obviously cause the baby to get stressed and each time I'd swoop in sooner and sooner (I hope that makes sense?)

Also you say you can't put the baby down long enough to get a pump attached. please believe me when I say that a minute or two of crying in order to allow you to complete a quick task (provided your baby is safe, and can't get hurt) really isn't going to cause any lasting damage. you can get special bras which hold the pump in place so you can then hold the baby at the same time without the fear of the pump detaching and spilling milk everywhere.

Finally, we started using a baby bjorn bouncy chair at about 3 weeks. it was an absolute godsend. I could put the baby down, it's at an angle so might be good for reflux and the bouncing soothed our baby. we got ours on loan from a friend but there are lots of similar contraptions out there.

My second DS was a nightmare to burp when he was little, what worked for him was holding him under this arms and gently jiggle him up and down, raising him up and then down. That always seemed to jiggle a burp out! I removed the hours of sitting in bed overnight feeding for an hour and then juggling for ages to get the burp out, even when he was crying and clearly uncomfortable after feeding a bit of jiggling stopped the crying!
(Obviously I was not shaking my baby!)

Just wanted to say my baby is now 7 months, and looking back now I’m amazed how far I’ve come. No one tells you how hard it is or if they do you aren’t listening because you genuinely cannot fathom it until you experience it.
I couldn’t put DS down, he hated being put in a babymoov, so I either carried him round house or wore him. I didn’t even use a sling I got one of those baby carriers with straps. He didn’t sleep anywhere but on me or his dad and I managed to get him to nap once or twice In a hammock but that was it.
A good day was a day where I managed to eat something. I just accepted it and went with the flow eventually and it was easier, took one day at a time.
You’re not useless, you’re doing a brilliant job!

Also I tried expressing milk so DH could feed bottles but I just never got the hang of it so I breastfed til 6 months and began introducing solids. I literally have so much admiration for women who pump. It felt like such effing hard work and impossible to get more than a few drops out!

My daughters baby is now 10: weeks old and the main advice I can give you is gripe water mixed in formula feed...the difference in her is magical ...a real game changer. Baby does sleep in sleepyhead beside my daughter and as long as baby can move head it is absolutely fine.Good luck .X

Heya just to give you an update @walnut87..... we have have just put DS in a love to swaddle swaddle thing and currently enjoying our first quiet and settled night. 25 quid on amazon or jojo maman or get 2nd hand on Ebay to try out. Worth a shot!!

Ok so I thought things were getting a little better but it’s all sort of plummeting again. Baby’s cold is on way out I think which is good. I managed to put her down twice last night for about an hour each time. So got 2 he’s broken sleep. But she started being really gaggy and then sick so it’s either not getting enough wind out or reflux. HV said to try formula as might help. Who knows? I can’t see the wood for the trees anymore.

We tried co-sleeping but she would only sleep snuggled on her side into me. Don’t want her being sick in the bed if I put her on her back. Also I was getting so cold because didn’t have duvet over my top half, even with cardigan was freezing. DP thought it was better but that’s only because he wasn’t up all night freezing and worrying about suffocating a baby! :( he’s currently in a grump because if we want to co-sleep tonight he can’t have a beer. I’m just doing it all it feels. I’m sure that’s not fair of me though.

I am finding this so exhausting, I tried explaining to my partner the weight of responsibility is just so much, and I feel like I’m having to make all decisions myself, if we want her put down I have to do it on my own all night so never get any decent sleep. He just thinks I should get more during day at my mums. His job is really stressful and he has a degree to do and he can’t see past that so when I try talk to him he just makes it about him really. Maybe I’m just too overwhelmed to be fair in my judgements. I do as much as I can so he gets sleep, but I need him to shoulder some of the mental burden too. All he’s moaned about this week is not having time to himself

I need it to feel less overwhelming and I need her to sleep. I really want to do formula tho so other people can feed her including DP so I can get some actual sleep. And then have the energy to try put her down at night

I think I might have to have medication because there’s only so many changes I can make to support myself and it sort of feels like DP won’t make any. I dunno.

[Edited by MNHQ to remove RL names]

With regards to cosleeping baby should be on your side of the bed not between you and your partner, so him having one beer shouldn't be an issue as he shouldn't be sleeping near baby anyway. And if he wants a beer that bad he can have a couple, sleep in separate room and then take baby in the morning so you can sleep!

Could you not call gp while your mum is around, just tell her you've to make a phonecall/call gp about some upcoming appt for baby (vaccinations etc) and make the call in another room?

Hugs x

Try colief as well? It helped my gassy reflux baby.

He may be tired but he needs to pull his weight too. It is very hard the first few months but you must be a team and right now he's not being a team player by moaning at you all week.

Try to nap as much during the day yes, but that doesn't mean he can check out of parenting. He can do dream and early morning formula feeds at the least!

Have you tried a gro bag for her and onsie for you for sleeping? Re the cosleeping the lullaby tryst printed some guidelines, with my first i did the baby in the middle but pp is right, i noticed this time that i had been doing it wrong

Bless you OP. It’s so hard - and nobody really tells you before the baby’s born. I remember the responsibility and I thought everyone else was sailing along - rubbish; it is hard! I resented DH’s freedom to walk out the door to work so much - he got told more than once!

It will change - I promise. 6 weeks and then again 12 weeks were tipping points for both of mine. The best bit about DS being tiny was he was DC2 - I knew it would end and he’d be a three month old before long and then a 6 month old etc.

Please be kind to yourself. You’re doing great - I know you won’t believe me but it’s true.

(On the feeding thing DD was ff and DS was bf but had a bottle of formula at night that DH gave him. Meant I could go to bed - DH was ‘in charge’ until midnight. He also used to take them out for a walk at the weekend so I had a bit of alone time. Sleeping in bouncy chairs is fine for a bit whilst you have a shower. And if you don’t want to go to your mums - don’t, or not as frequently)

Hang in there - it will get better. Big hug.

Oh hang in there OP. I never had a sicky baby - that does sound extra tough. If you are preferring to co-sleep, could you sleep in a thermal top or something like that to keep yourself warmer at night without the duvet? I do sympathise with both you and your husband. I resented my husband sooooo much when he got to go to work and I had to stay home with a screaming baby that was slowly turning me mad. It wasn't easy for him either though and he worried about us the whole time he was gone and hated me resenting him. There are no winners in the newborn stage unfortunately. But he does need to understand that 'time to himself' doesn't happen at this early stage and he needs to be mucking in when he's home.
You said you really want to formula feed... well then why don't you? I know there's a lot of pressure on bf (there's a whole other ridiculous thread on ff vs bf right now that's become pretty heated) but ultimately it's your decision and you need to do what you think it best for not just your baby but you too. There are many pros and cons to both options. I say this as a mother who exclusively breastfed her son for 7 months without a drop of formula but am intending to buy formula for baby 2 and will probably combi-feed... I'll see how it goes but I'm not going to put excessive pressure on myself again if I'm finding things too rough and you need to give yourself a break. Also if you feel like medication will help, why not give it a go and see? If your mum is helping out, could she take your daughter out in the pram or carrier (jusy nearby) while you get some sleep - would it be easier to sleep if you were alone in the house? Just some thoughts. Hope you're okay today.