Are you the kind of parent you expected to be?

[sazzybee]

Prompted by another thread. I find myself (my DS is 5 months) being much stricter than I ever thought I would be and I'm quite surprised by myself. Although I obviously don't tell my DS off yet (he's 5 months FGS ) I have been very keen on introducing a routine from very early on and not bfing him at night if he's not having a growth spurt now he's capable of sleeping through. I think this is partly because I'm a single mum so need him to sleep and have a bedtime otherwise I think I'd lose my mind.

Are you more or less strict than you expected?

more strict, no patience and not coping......thats what therapists are for hey!

I'm a lot more structured and strict than I thought I would be. And a lot less 'hippy'.

I am more shouty than I would like to be.

no I thought I would be a really good parents as I love kids and am great with other peeople's and wanted a child so badly. I am actually a lousy parent and still can't work out how it ended up that way.

Same here Cowardice - I am more shouty than I - or the DC - would like.

I am trying hard not to be the mother my mother was.

No and it makes me sad. I dreamt of a relationship based on friendship, love and mutual respect. It seems instead that I have one which is based on rules and stress. I thought I would be good at it and I am not.

my parents did the 'go with the flow' chilled out too busy to pay much attention parenting... so in reaction to that prob, i am indeed way more structured and routine/rule leaning than i have ever been. it was actually my first son who taught me about routine and structure if im honest.

im still pretty damn lax tho

i have found myself to be shouty and stressy... but thats a v sore point for me, b/c my mum was like that a lot... so i work hard to change it. and im lucky to have the support to effect those changes too.

I think we get spun a dream that isn't real - it starts right from when we are little with fairy tales and then there is all the advertising portraying perfect lives and all the TV shows (why are Desperate Housewives house sooooo tidy?!) and I think we get worn down to believe in an ideal of motherhood.

Also we look at other people and think how perfect their lives are but of course we are not always aware of what goes on behind closed doors...

So I suppose I am saying that we probably had high expectations of what motherhood was about

I find myself with far more patience than I ever expected to be able to have. I strongly believe that the things dd needs most are attention and patience (within human limits )
I am strict, though...
I found myself stopping other kids from kicking/fighting/shouting/saying unpleasant things. I also found myself conforting kids (complete strangers!) when they were crying...

I'm pretty much as I thought I would be. I'm don't impose a routine (although I only have the one ds), I don't bath him every day (never intended to do that), and I interact with him in much the way I thought I would.

There's only one thing I don't tolerate and that's bad manners. On manners, I'm a stickler!

clarice - how strange, i have turned into my mum too!

I'm much less strict than I thought I would be. In fact, I find ds makes me feel so calm and happy that I just find it easy to go with the flow with him. And he is absolutely no trouble (yet!!)

He's an absolute star! Brings out the very best in me

Desiderata, I fully agree with you on manners. I even bought a book about good manners for kids before dd was born!

Disappointed with my parenting of my eldest = inconsistent, shouty, she tries too hard to please me sometimes (which I don't think is that good a reflection of me)

But, I'm ok with my 2nd. Was a single parent with my first, am sure that cranked up teh stress and need for control a lot more.

Starfish - I have visions of you in delivery suite saying to newborn SS - "Quiet now - not everyone wants to hear your bawling"!!

Those of you who say you think you are lousy parents ( that makes me sad) - what qualities do you think 'good' parents have that you don't?

patience, enjoying their kids, all qualities i wish i had

i find myself wishing their lives away e.g. i can't wait for you to be teenagers, i can't wait for you to leave home......i guess the draining effect they can have took me by surprise.........

Weeeeeel, the book was very prominently displayed in Waterstones... What else could I do?

The ability to remain calm and not fly off the handle at every incident which annoys me. All counterproductive since I now have a fly-off-teh-handle 10-year old who will argue every single little point with me

I am not as patient as I thought I was. Working with patients with dementia gave me the (false) impression that I have endless reserves of patence, but when you have done 3 night feeds for a newborn and wake up from an exhausted coma to find your 3 year old has plastered every item of your makeup (your one and only luxery now you don't drink, smoke, and have a postnatal body!) onto his bedroom wall....

I realised that love can actually make you angrier with someone, rather than more forgiving.

I have definitely become a better parent the older the DC have become. They are more interesting and we can do interesting things together and because they are more independent they are less demanding of niggling little things.

I think the expectations thing is bang on. I think everyone should stop going on about how terrible they are at this parenting lark. I'm beginning to worry about it.

My friend's mother is a counsellor. She said she and the other counsellors got together and decided what was best was not a Perfect Mother and not a Truly Awful Negligent Mother but a Good Enough Mother.

So there you Good Enough is perfect for mental and emotional health. Now we can all manage that most of the time.

Stop beating yourselves up so much. Be Good Enough.

Ahem. That was a speech wasn't it? A good enough speech.