Am I just a rubbish mum

[Alicia870]

I have a 14 month old and sometimes feel as though I've really failed at being a good mum. I feel as though I must have done something wrong, as she is honestly so indifferent to me to the point that I really think she wouldn't even notice if I never came back.

She never seems to want me or be happy to see me. When I pick her up from childcare she cries and wants to get away. She has never put her arms out to me, shown any preference or any real indication that she cares about me any more than she does anyone else.

On a surface level I give her the best I can in terms of responding to her needs. I've tried hard to wean her into healthy foods, got her in a good sound routine, make sure she's comfortable and has plenty of positive language and interaction from me. She's developing wel and understands lots of what I say so I don't think there seems to be anything going on with her that way.

But I just can't help but question why she doesn't care about her mummy. It's honestly tearing me up and eating away at me everyday. She is staying with my mum tonight as I have a long couple of days work and I know that when I go to pick her up tomorrow, she won't bat an eyelid at me. It really hurts and breaks my heart.
I feel like maybe I've spent too much time on my phone, maybe I didn't breast feed her long enough, maybe I made her too independent by not cuddling her to sleep. I do play with her as much as I can but I also do let her watch tv and sometimes sit on my phone. And I feel so guilty and rubbish.
The thoughts go round so much that I can't stop beating myself up.
No one seems to appreciate how hurtful it really is. I often make a joke out of it when I tell people how indifferent she is to me, but deep down it really upsets me. I thought there would be a really special relationship there by now and it just doesn't seem to be coming and I really don't know what to do about this

Oh poor you, this would be my worst nightmare. How long has she been like this? Babies change so much and 14 months is still very, very young.

She's always been like this, morning has changed. I've just assumed it's her personality and she's very independent but it really sucks. I mean being a mum is tough- and it's starting to really get to me now as I feel I'm just waiting for this bond or spark to happen and I feel I'm getting nothing back.

I can't see her ever wanting me at all.

Some babies are really not cuddly. I doubt it's anything you've done! I bet she does need you and love you a lot, she just can't tell you yet. She will show it in her own way but it must be hard in the meantime.

That's quite unusual, I think. Maybe mention it to your GP or health visitor?

Does she behave differently with other familiar adults and/or with her dad?

Truthfully, how long do you spend on your phone when you are with her? How much tv does she watch?

She's not needy etc because she feels secure in your love.
She is happy at childcare and knows you will come back ( she's not desperate to see you and doesn't get a rush of relief that you have returned because she trusts you)
She loves your family (again- security).
You should be proud of yourself for raising a happy, secure and independent little girl.
She knows she is loved and knows you are there for her.

No advice OP but that sounds so difficult for you and I really feel for you

OP are you feeling low generally at the moment? Sometimes when our mood drops we interpret everything in the world negatively even how our children might think of us. It's easy to see things to support a self-critical view when feeling like that, whilst ignoring the things which suggest differently.

You sound like a loving mother. Please don't blame yourself.

You'll have failed her in many small ways - we all do. It doesn't make you a bad mother, and dwelling on regrets won't make you a better one.

@Spied

Avoidant attachment can develop and be recognized as early as infancy.

In one older experiment, researchers had parents briefly leave the room while their infants played to evaluate attachment styles.

Infants with a secure attachment cried when their parents left, but went to them and were quickly soothed when they returned.

Infants with an avoidant attachment appeared outwardly calm when the parents left, but avoided or resisted having contact with their parents when they returned.

Despite the appearance that they didn’t need their parent or caregiver, tests showed these infants were just as distressed during the separation as the securely attached infants. They simply didn’t show it.

www.healthline.com/health/parenting/avoidant-attachment#what-does-it-look-like

Secure babies still show outwardly that they need their parents.

That's terrible, I'd be really upset too. Is she like it with anyone else, or just you? How long are you spending on your phone when you're with her? I would perhaps think about mentioning this to your health visitor.

Ahhhh OP it's so hard sometimes, particularly if you're feeling low already. Please try to look at this from an alternative perspective. My DS would flat out ignore his dad when he returned from a work trip away. Not because he didn't miss him, but because he was upset/cross/confused as to why his dad hadn't been around. And yes, sometimes our children have non affectionate personalities, but that may change as she gets older and you can converse more. Is her dad around, how is she with him?

Also have this with my 11 month old. However just as others have said, 1. Some children simply don't need as much reassurance as others 2. That independence you describe is security - she knows you'll be there, she knows you'll come back. That's a good thing.

However I 100% understand. Sometimes I want my boy to crawl over to me when I pick him up from his childminder, instead he goes to her and ignores me. And it does hurt. But also, when he's upset, he comes to me. And I take comfort in that hugely.

That independence you describe is security

I'm not sure about this to be honest. Trying to get away when OP returns in a sign of an insecure attachment. OP, when she hurts herself, does she look to you for comfort?

I usually have the tv on in the morning if I'm rushing around just to keep her occupied for half an hour- an hour and then in evening in the time between dinner and bed. During the evening when I'm knackered I might spend a half hour on my phone while she potters around with the tv in the background.
I feel awfully guilty. I try to do activities with her and play with her, we do colouring, play with her blocks, read her word books etc. But after hours of play with a one year old I do sometimes get a bit mind numbed- and I feel awful about that. However then I also think about how much easier it would be if I got some positive reassurance and reaction back from her, and maybe that would help me feel more motivated to do more.

I said to the health visitor at her one year check and she just said it's a good sign as or means she feels secure but it doesn't make the it any easier

My DD was a bit like this at the same age. I asked myself the same questions. She was happy to see me when I picked her up from nursery, but otherwise didn’t want to cuddle or sit on my lap. Fought to get away of I tried. Didn’t cry when I left, was happy to be left with anyone. Can’t remember when it changed but now as a 4yo she is very affectionate, loving and cuddly, and misses me terribly when I go away. So there is hope it will change as she gets older.

@TheClausSeason well that sounds so awful

She's much the same with her dad. Perhaps a bit more excited to see him sometimes but still quite indifferent

It night not be that, and shouldn't be if you've been responsive to her fairly consistently. You don't have to be perfect to have a secure attachment, just good enough. If you've been responsive generally it shouldn't be a problem.

Does she make eye contact with people?

Yea she does - I really can't see anything that would indicate poor development or a significant problem. Obviously autism and developmental delay have been on my mind but I really don't think she is showing signs of that.

Maybe I'm not explaining it well but it really is just around her bond with me. Don't get me wrong there are some good moments where we cuddle before bed, and there are some times when she clings to me if she's in a new place with strange faces but those are few and far between. And I savour those moments so much.

I know I've titled this wondering if I'm a bad mum, but I know she wants for nothing. She's loved and cared for, if she cries I soothe her, I'm up like a shot if she wakes in the night etc But with her being my first, I'm just doubting whether I've done something differently to other mums to make her so independent. I crave her putting her arms up to me or holding onto me in preference for others, but I can't make it happen.
It's making it really really hard to enjoy motherhood.
I would love her no matter what and if she never changed and never cared for me at all it would never stop me trying my best for her but it makes the journey feel extra tough without the reciprocation of love.

She does love you, she's just not showing it very clearly. Hopefully she becomes more interested soon.

I agree fully with what @Spied said. You're doing a great job op, please don't beat yourself up. We all go on our phones sometimes - we're human!

Mine is 16 months and at play groups he just crawls off and does his own thing. He really couldn't care less whether I stayed or left to be honest! Everyone at these groups - experienced mums - see my son behave like this and often say stuff like 'it shows you've done a great job' etc. I'm not saying that mums of more clingy babies aren't doing a great job too (before anyone gets offended) but I think the bottom line is all babies are different and I bet your baby adores you.

If she cuddles when she is unsure in a new place she sounds very happy and secure. DS who is now a cuddly 7 year old was like this. People described him as always busy as he didn’t want to stop playing. When he was 3 I spent time in hospital- about a week and it was the first time he really pined for me. I think he was happy, secure and independent toddler. At toddler groups when every other child is clinging to their parent, I was chasing after DS as he explored everything!

I think if you have cuddles at bedtime and she goes to you for reassurance occasionally then your attachment is stronger than you think.
Could you change up your bedtime routine and spend some quiet time cuddling, reading or singing nursery rhymes?
My 18 month old DD hardly ever comes to me for cuddles now unless she wakes in the night or is poorly.