Am I just a rubbish mum

[Alicia870]

I have a 14 month old and sometimes feel as though I've really failed at being a good mum. I feel as though I must have done something wrong, as she is honestly so indifferent to me to the point that I really think she wouldn't even notice if I never came back.

She never seems to want me or be happy to see me. When I pick her up from childcare she cries and wants to get away. She has never put her arms out to me, shown any preference or any real indication that she cares about me any more than she does anyone else.

On a surface level I give her the best I can in terms of responding to her needs. I've tried hard to wean her into healthy foods, got her in a good sound routine, make sure she's comfortable and has plenty of positive language and interaction from me. She's developing wel and understands lots of what I say so I don't think there seems to be anything going on with her that way.

But I just can't help but question why she doesn't care about her mummy. It's honestly tearing me up and eating away at me everyday. She is staying with my mum tonight as I have a long couple of days work and I know that when I go to pick her up tomorrow, she won't bat an eyelid at me. It really hurts and breaks my heart.
I feel like maybe I've spent too much time on my phone, maybe I didn't breast feed her long enough, maybe I made her too independent by not cuddling her to sleep. I do play with her as much as I can but I also do let her watch tv and sometimes sit on my phone. And I feel so guilty and rubbish.
The thoughts go round so much that I can't stop beating myself up.
No one seems to appreciate how hurtful it really is. I often make a joke out of it when I tell people how indifferent she is to me, but deep down it really upsets me. I thought there would be a really special relationship there by now and it just doesn't seem to be coming and I really don't know what to do about this

If she cuddles when she is unsure in a new place she sounds very happy and secure.

Yes, as long as she is using you as her vase of security she sounds fine.

*base of security

@TheClausSeason is chucking stuff out there about attachment and I imagine you're about to say something about ASD based on a tiny amount of information helpful or harmful?!

That posted about half hour after I wrote it btw!

Crikey, that's some slow Internet you've got there, Flinn.

You are a good Mum. My DS could not have cared least about me at this age. Cried when his Dad went to work I got nothing was really hard time not going to lie. However he turned three and became my best friend he said I love you Mum but you always here. Now he's a lot older still a complete mummy's boy has had a harder relationship with his Dad and dotes on me. Stick with it you are her safe person they get older and appreciate you 💐

I really wouldn’t beat yourself up; a bit of TV and phone time is normal. Not saying it’s perfect time, but the only people I know who don’t do it have a lot of time to themselves and shared care. I think most of us do even if we thought we wouldn’t!

As you’ve already thought autism it’s worth just keeping it on the health visitor’s mind if this continues - it’s one of the reasons a family member pushed for their child to be assessed (there were other signs though and they left it a bit later - it is too early to tell at the moment).

The other thing is my daughter often rejects me when she’s upset about something. It’s not always logical. For example when struggling to settle in to nursery she would strop when I picked her up and refuse to come with me. This lasted over a year until she was actually happy to be at nursery (I also changed nurseries to one I was happier with). The more unhappy she was the more she objected about leaving at pick up time which is counterintuitive. It might not be this... but how happy is she at childcare? They tend to say that everyone’s fine but what’s she like at drop off?

Ah OP, don't be too hard on yourself. DD1 was like this, very independent and not at all cuddly, I'm a SAHM but if I went out for a morning or afternoon and left her with DH when I got in she would look at me and then carry on with whatever she was doing.

She's just turned 2 and is so super cuddly now, like the kind of cuddles where she wraps all her limbs around my body and doesn't let go, and gives me lots of kisses throughout the day too. It's lovely 🥰

Hopefully your DD will get there too in her own time.

OP!!!

You forget theres a world around you that you've seen for years an she hasnt. Things are far more interesting for her than the same faces.

Theres nothing wrong with being on your phone either.

Try and go about the house playing peekaboo... I do this with little one and she loves it. She follows me out to see where I've gone and she loves when I shout boo at her! Sometimes she doesn't follow because shes interested in what she's doing and some days i cant pee in peace!!

Just focus on the lovely, positive times. Babies have a small attention span so sometimes when theres a box of toys or tv on, then thats ok too.

I do think 14 months is very young. My daughter is five now and the most loving little girl. Literally the other mums on the yard have commented on how she runs to me and kisses me as soon as she sees me but I can't remember her doing much of anything at 14 months. They're too busy learning about the world and girls are usually quite independent. I think you're beating yourself up. I was a single mum and it was quite lonely so on my phone plenty. I only breastfed a few months too but I did my best as I'm sure you're doing!

I really appreciate the reassurance and support. What is it about being a mum that makes you feel so guilty and rubbish.

I always beat myself up feeling I should be doing better, playing more and having less screen time but it is just such a hard job. I do try but Sometimes you just need some sort of switch off when you've been pointing at a baby book for an hour and repeating the same mundane words like a robot droning 'spoon! Duck! Car!' It is just a bit boring after a while 🙈

I'm the same, OP. I think some people genuinely do love it (I pay one such person to be a nanny for my eighteen month old while I work, and feel guilty about that too) but I would definitely struggle to do it all day every day.

Op I’m on my phone loads and my dd watches lot of tv 🙈 please don’t feel bad. My dd is very independent too aways exploring and going off. Nursery asked me which one she used to go to on her first day, she didn’t even cry was off lol. Now she’s 1 she’s getting more needy and cries when I leave the room but I felt the same way as you.

I do long dinner and bedtime routine, she has long bath with music bubbles and toys, I dip my feet in or join her too. (Used to bath when her from when she was tiny, stopped when she was about 6/7 months and wanted to crawl about) do think we bonded massively over baths and stories. Always read to her before bed. So aways food bath then we watch clangers and night garden while she has milk and I massage her with her cream (she gets baby ezema) Then it’s stories and bed, usually 3 books, two songs and her rabbit to sleep.

That’s literally main bit I do, that and some classes like baby swimming and music groups. Otherwise on my days off with her I will be on my phone loads! On dating sites or just chatting on loud speaker to a friend. She’s either crawling or cruising or watching a lot of Mr tumble.

All do things different, be proud you have Independent little lady!!

Ps op I don’t read boring baby books, I get ones with flaps, and my dd loves opening them or I read full on stories. I skipped the dull baby books, went mostly straight to toddler books. Less dull and bonus is my dd sits through books well. Trained from tiny baby haha x

@Breastfeedingworries thank you for that. We do a very similar evening routine. I always take the time to sit with her and play while she's in the bath but I never even thought of getting in or even putting my toes in - going to try it! She might think I'm fun if I do! Then usually tv time while lying on my bed and then her bedroom, milk and 2-3 stories.
It's reassured me a bit to hear others have independent babies too but mine seems to be next level. She just seems to be so determined to do her own thing

You don't need to play with them for hours every day to help their development or make them securely attached. Sounds like you play more than enough and you could probably back off a bit if you want to - in fact giving her space to play independently may prompt her to come back to you and show you things, maybe she doesn't feel she needs to initiate contact at the moment if you do so much with her? That's NOT meant as "another way you're doing things wrong" BTW - more a suggestion if you feel tired/fed up with playing. There is a huge and I mean HUGE range of practices which come under the heading of "acceptable or better parenting" yet a lot of people will insist that there is one right way to do things. This is quite good - just beware of the same tendency of "This amount of playing with your child is correct" - nonsense - no such thing. www.janetlansbury.com/2013/05/stop-entertaining-your-toddler-in-3-steps-2/

As others have said anyway if you're her safety when unfamiliar things are happening, she is more than likely securely attached.

You can't diagnose autism in a 14 month old, so there is no sense worrying about that.

Honestly they just are all very different from each other. DS1 was really cuddly and touchy feely and needing to be on me all the time, DS2 is not like that. He does like a cuddle but on his terms. He is just walking and if you offer him a hand to hold he pushes it away - DS1 loved to hold hands. I get the impression DS2 is going to be quite introverted - as a newborn/young baby, he loved to lie by himself rather than being held, he is perfectly happy to potter around the house on his own and will chatter away to himself, not so much to other people. I've also noticed that occasionally when something happens that he doesn't like but he's around unfamiliar people, he will keep himself very still and not complain or cry or show in his body language that he's upset by it. I notice, because I'm very used to watching him and his usual alert/curious state, but nobody else would see it. Whereas DS1 (who is old enough to say quite clearly is extraverted) would have immediately and clearly let everyone in the vicinity know something was wrong, he was not shy in that sense at all. But he wouldn't go off into new situations without me, whereas DS2 does. And I don't feel that I have treated them all that differently - they are just different people, with different levels of social comfort and confidence. Perhaps your daughter is just more introverted, and doesn't feel the need to keep coming back to you and showing affection physically. Maybe she will do that more when she is a bit older.

Op, I felt like that about my first two. They had zero interest in me. Never came to me for hugs, never noticed if I was gone, dad was the best thing since sliced bread etc. Tbh gave me horrific pnd. They are now 6, 5, a nd 3. THe oldest two have gone from never wanting me.to clinging off my arms and legs, telling me they love me, asking for more and more hugs and kisses at bedtime "one last time! Because I love you!". Honestly, it's so hard where you are now, but I promise it gets so, so much better.

And the little whispers when they think I'm asleep of "mum....You're my best friend in the whole world"..Honestly just erases all the sadness I had bringing them up.

Please dont take this the wrong way but I think this is a lot more about you than her

Did you before she was born have an idealistic view of birth and parenting that you are struggling to equate with the hard slog that the early years of parenting brings. Babies/Toddlers are by their very nature very adaptable to people looking after then - the survival instinct is strong. I

Nothing in what you say rings bells from your DD perspective but more that because she doesnt react like you think you should you withdraw so she does and so it goes on in a vicious circle.

Maybe get some counselling

Op hop in the bath it’s such a laugh! I love it when my dd laughs. I try and do that loads, peekaboo and hiding things under things ect. I put toes in and splash her. I play music I like to her and dance around too. I basically act like a tit lol as just us there.

So I am on my phone loads but when I give her attention I’m trying to make her laugh, tickling her, swinging her upside down (she is over 1) my dd is fearless loves hanging upside down lol. Or being thrown into the air.

You’re doing wonderful job! Let me know how fun the bath is. I bought bubble machine from mothercare 16 and bubble stuff, strong batteries. And I’ve got waterproof speaker and disco light. Baths are my favourite time of day lol.

Heyy OP, I have a 14 month old and to be honest I could have written your exact post word for word, my son has been so indifferent to me and it truly can be heartbreaking, especially when he is over the moon constantly to see my husband. I have been beating myself up about it, blaming myself for him being in nursery, not doing enough nice things together etc.
However in the last fortnight we have somewhat turned a corner, he's still 100% a daddy's boy but I'm hoping things continue to improve! So your not alone and hopefully it's just their age!!

Motherhood is 90% feeling guilty about something or other. It. Never. Stops. Although the things get fewer and farther between, there's always something to feel guilty about. Don't beat yourself up, honestly.

OP, it sounds like you are a lovely mum, doing so much good and nothing wrong. I’m inclined to agree with fllinn upthread, that if you are feeling low and worried you may be seeing things through a really negative prism. 14 months is so young. I always felt like the only reason my DS bothered with me was because I was his source of food, that he didn’t want my cuddles and didn’t really like me. He always seemed unhappy. I had PND.

As he got older (he’s 2 now) he was able to naturally get more communicative and we have the best relationship. I would maybe ask to have a good, long chat with the HV about your worries. But seriously, do not beat yourself up. My telly’s on all the bloody time, I’ve seen every episode of Bing about 50 times. Sometimes, for my own sanity, I need a bit of time messing about on my phone while DS amuses himself. If there is anything going on with your DD it’s not your fault.

Similar to BertieBotts I have one child who was very much like your daughter. Didn't like cuddles, wouldn't look at me much, didn't care when I picked him up from childminder etc. He is still a very unusual child now he's at school and does not like physical affection but we have a very rewarding relationship now and I have no doubt that he is secure and I am his favourite person in the world.

I have another child who is the complete opposite, he's like a little puppy and it'l was much easier and more rewarding to look after him as a toddler. I think it's just their personalities and nothing to do with you as a parent, you sound like you're doing a great job. Just try to relax and let your daughter be who she is. I do get how you feel tho - really!

Keep pestering your HV/GP if you think something is not right over time.

It isn’t about being the perfect parent (they don’t exist!), it’s about being good enough.

My son is 4.5 and extremely cuddly, he’s in bed with me now as he always gets in at about 5am, when he’s had his breakfast he’ll get on the sofa and we’ll have a snuggle together. When we get to school he will cry when I drop him off, when I pick him up later he’ll cry my eyes out and want a cuddle.

When we get home we’ll play, but you can almost guarantee he will be on my lap/physically in contact with me almost the entire time. If twenty minutes go by without a cuddle it’s amazing.

He isn’t doing it because he’s cuddly, he’s doing it because he is worried I’ll leave him.

Children who don’t need extremely regular physical or verbal reassurance from their parents tend to be the ones with the most secure bonds.