Am I just a rubbish mum

[Alicia870]

I have a 14 month old and sometimes feel as though I've really failed at being a good mum. I feel as though I must have done something wrong, as she is honestly so indifferent to me to the point that I really think she wouldn't even notice if I never came back.

She never seems to want me or be happy to see me. When I pick her up from childcare she cries and wants to get away. She has never put her arms out to me, shown any preference or any real indication that she cares about me any more than she does anyone else.

On a surface level I give her the best I can in terms of responding to her needs. I've tried hard to wean her into healthy foods, got her in a good sound routine, make sure she's comfortable and has plenty of positive language and interaction from me. She's developing wel and understands lots of what I say so I don't think there seems to be anything going on with her that way.

But I just can't help but question why she doesn't care about her mummy. It's honestly tearing me up and eating away at me everyday. She is staying with my mum tonight as I have a long couple of days work and I know that when I go to pick her up tomorrow, she won't bat an eyelid at me. It really hurts and breaks my heart.
I feel like maybe I've spent too much time on my phone, maybe I didn't breast feed her long enough, maybe I made her too independent by not cuddling her to sleep. I do play with her as much as I can but I also do let her watch tv and sometimes sit on my phone. And I feel so guilty and rubbish.
The thoughts go round so much that I can't stop beating myself up.
No one seems to appreciate how hurtful it really is. I often make a joke out of it when I tell people how indifferent she is to me, but deep down it really upsets me. I thought there would be a really special relationship there by now and it just doesn't seem to be coming and I really don't know what to do about this

welcome to being a mum, the most thankless job where we are the punch bag for our kids but the reason they aren't excited when you come back or treat you worse than others etc... is because you are mummy and mummy always comes back to them.

Its weirdly a compliment that they trust your presence so much that they think they can do anything and mummy will always be there and protect because shes the center of everything and their safe place.

My 14 month old boy is really un-cuddly but in just the past week he has shown a little more affection and sort of hugging us which is a first! I assume some babies are just like that! He does seem excited to see us at nursery pick up time.. but also in thr past sometimes cried I think with relief instead.

My firstborn Dd (now 11) hated being cuddled at all, from about 1 1/2 until she was about 2 1/2. She would sit on your lap but would violently shove your arms, hands or body away if she felt that you were too close. Sometimes you were holding your breath trying not to scare her away like a wild creature.
It was hellish trying to settle her at night. She would however tolerate being carried in a back wrap or baby backpack. As I too got really bored with the toy playing, we ventured outside lots. We would go for long walks and explore and see things.
By the time she was 3 she would come and cuddle and suddenly became a really affectionate child.
Ds (2) could get really absorbed in playing and was completely different, much more of an explorer and would be happy to leave me or go out of my sight, but he is more openly affectionate than his sister was at the same age.
I just wanted to say that years down the line it hasn’t affected either of them at all.

My DD was very like this until around 2. Not interested in cuddling me, not fussed if I left her with anyone, and even when she started preschool a couple of mornings a week, didn’t bat an eyelid. If it’s any consolation we don’t even have a TV, so it wasn’t that!

Just after she turned 2, she suddenly became much more tactile, and hates it if I leave her anywhere, even with DH! (she’s 2.5 now).

She’s been really unwell with a chest infection the last week or so, and have been up in the night with her etc quite a bit. We were having breakfast this morning and out of nowhere she put her hand on mine and said, ‘I love you Mummy.’ When she was 14 months old I thought I’d never see any affection!

My DS has never been a fan of cuddles and was very independent from the minute he learnt to put multiple rolls together to get where he wanted to! Since about 18mo he's been a lot more affectionate - I went away with my husband for the night and when we went to collect DS he just carried on playing before following me into the kitchen so the two of us could have a hug. They are odd little people.

I do find making a real effort to play makes a difference to us though - we have much better time together if we engage well. If she likes stories, try a story sack or acting out the book with toys, I find it makes really the same books day after day more interesting!

Oh OP I feel for you so much. The thing is, if you're prone to anxiety then you can n
drive yourself mad with this stuff. DS (18 months) has gone through stages of massively preferring me and stages of massively preferring DH, and I found both really hard! When he first went to nursery he used to cry at drop-off and I'd end up biting my lip and then sobbing all the way to work; the first time he didn't cry when I left I went to work and googled 'avoidant insecure attachment' obsessively because I was sure it was a sign I'd fundamentally broken our bond. I certainly feel like I can't win! I'm trying to make an active choice to not overthink and be relaxed, but it's hard to overcome the habits of a lifetime...

My dd was like this at a similar age, I mentioned to dh I didn’t feel ‘special’ as her mum.
Now, I’m all she wants. I can’t get anything done and we laugh about my previous comments. She’s 18 months.