How do you share your night feeds/housework between you and your partner?

[Anonlady2]

Just wondering what the general consensus is. I would say I do 95% of the housework and taking care of our DS (who is almost 2 months old) and my DH tries to chip in where he can as he works full time. However we’ve been arguing about this topic for the last few weeks.

He seems to think he does more than enough considering he works full time but doesn’t understand that housework and taking care of an unsettled baby all day is a full time job.

How do you share the work load with your partners and should full time partners get off lightly?

I do housework and take care or DS all day, then my husband comes home at 7:30pm does a couple of hours of taking care of DS whilst he eats his dinner and I sleep, and then in the evening around 11 we swap until the morning when he goes to work again. He says that’s fair, I think it’s not. Btw DS is formula fed so it’s not like DS relies on me only for food. I’m wondering how lazy my husband really is. Opinions?

I've just gone back to work 4 days a week. My partner works 8.30-3 5 days a week. We are taking it in turns to do the nights but I will always do a Thursday as I'm off on the Friday. My partner tends to get up early anyway so he gets up with the baby on weekend mornings. I do all the cleaning. My husband would do it if I asked but he does a half hearted effort so prefer doing it myself so it's done properly. He does do most the cooking though as he is home earlier. I do the food shop on my day off. When I was still on maternity leave I did all the nights when my husband would be at work the next day as at least I could try and sleep during the day (though never did as like you say it's full on taking care of a baby and trying to do housework!) I would say your husband should at least be doing the nights at weekends x

What we have done is when my husband is at work say 7-5.30pm I look after the baby and he goes out to work, that is my 'role'. As soon as he is back from work and the weekends it is 50/50 all the way! Otherwise when does mum get the break? It took him a while to realise this! And numerous harsh conversations but things have got easier, and as baby gets into a routine and goes to bed earlier you will find you have more time to yourself in the evenings etc. Have you left your baby with your husband and you gone out? (That is when my husband really understood!)

@jlr1986 I did and the lazy bastard left DS with DH’s mother for the night and I came home to find DH asleep! As soon as he gets home I get about 2-3 hours if I’m lucky as DH usually eats his dinner and watches TV and tries to watch DS a little bit. Then he falls straight asleep and leave me to it for the rest of the night :(

We have certain jobs that are mine (washing, bathroom, daytime dishes, etc) and certain jobs that are his (kitchen deep clean, rubbish, recycling, etc) and the rest we usually try and blast through together on one of his days off, doesn't take long when we are working together! I usually deal with the kids through the night and we try and make sure we get a long lie each on his days off! I think I've been pretty lucky as my friends tell me their OH do nothing so I am very great full!

My ex did nothing, I did every thing, now he shares ds every other weekend!

I do all the nights because the kids want me and I get them to sleep more easily. I'm currently on maternity leave with our second but when I was working hand husband was at home I still did night wakings all the time. It's not about keeping score it's about enabling ALL of us to get the most sleep.
I also do the vast majority of the housework whether I'm at work or on maternity leant. It means we get the weekends as family time.
Husband and I have similar jobs in finance but his is much more senior than mine and he earns much more. He also does toddler bath time every single day and puts her to bed, and newborn will join them when she's older.

You have to look at it like you both have a full time job. We both work full time during the day (he’s at work and I’m on maternity) and on an evening/weekend it’s 50:50.

When hubby comes in he plays with our boy (now 8.5 months) and I make him a cuppa etc, then he has a sit down for 10. Then he does the bedtime feed and bathtime. He never sees him so wants to do that. Our son is in bed for 6.30 now (we generally both get him dressed and say goodnight) so once he’s down hubby makes tea and I tidy up. I’ll generally try to keep the house tidy and do washing etc during the day. Then we go to bed by 10. Our son generally sleeps through nowadays but any night stirs / when he’s poorly etc we share.

When he was 2 months it was very different, I would sleep 7-11pm ish and then again 5-7am and hubby would sleep 11pm-5am. On a weekend we would take one night each so we each got a full night’s sleep.

I’m very much of the 50:50 brigade and don’t sign up to the because you’re on maternity leave you look after baby 24/7. I have a very stressful job and doing that is much easier than looking after the baby all day.

On maternity I did all the housework because I was home all the time and my babies napped in their cots.

Night feed wise dh stayed up to do the dream feed at 10/11 and I got an early night. On Friday & Saturday nights he did the night feed too. He did and still does one weekend morning.

He did the food shop and took out the kids whilst I cleaned in peace at the weekends

At that stage with ours, who were also formula fed, we took the night feeds in turns.

We have always split housework. We will both do the washing when it needs doing, DP does the hoovering, I do the food shop and all the cooking, DP washes up. We just do what needs doing without thinking who has done what already really.

I agree with PP that it should be 50/50.

I suppose it’s just a temporary thing - but if he comes in from work and then you sleep, do you actually spend any time together?? If he comes in at 7.30pm I suppose most of the housework is done? From what you’ve described it doesn’t sound like your doing 95%. Some might not agree, but I think taking over when he gets in so you can have a decent stretch of sleep sounds like a pretty good arrangement except that you don’t really have any time together. I always did the night feeds when DH had work the next day - weekends we would share or I’d have the whole night to sleep. What are your weekend arrangements?

I’m a lucky one, very much 50/50 here. We formula fed so night feeds were mostly split between us from early on although I did appreciate my OH was working full time, so I did 4 nights & him 3. We still split the night shift now, our toddler is not a great sleeper. So we take it in turns as to who gets up & puts her back to bed!

House work, we have our jobs. Other half loves cooking, so the kitchen is his domain. He orders the food, cooks, cleans, washes up, dishwasher. I’m in charge of washing, hoovering, dusting, general tidying after toddler. We take a bathroom each.. it works for us. Childcare wise, we just work around each other. We are a really laid back pair, we rarely argue and I know when he needs a break & vice versa. I think communication is important and try not to let it descend to arguing..

Could he do more at weekends? I would try to find a good balance now or it will stick with you doing the lions share. DH is crap. I work 3 days a week in a social work role (so generally busy and stressful) whilst DH works FT - I earn more so we actually contribute the same financially now I'm PT. He basically dips in and out of family life as he pleases. If I'm out on visits, I'll pop home and put the washing machine on during lunch, I do shopping on my days off with toddler DD and manage all bill. Dh does occasional cooking, sometimes polishes, sometimes watches DD if I ask. I do all the nights and 95% of DDs care. When I'm working GPs watch her. Its rubbish but he simply wont budge on the arrangement because I'm PT.

Like others have said we always treated it as both of us having a full-time job during the day (him at work, me with the baby), then both of us splitting the workload 50/50 in evenings and weekends. I did all night feeds because I was breastfeeding but with the baby that was a horrendous sleeper he did some of the night wakings too.

The housework I'd get done during the day would depend on how much hard work the baby had been. Sometimes a lot, sometimes I'd be barely keeping on top of things.

Don't get in a situation where housework and night wakings are 100% your job and he just 'helps' occasionally, especially if you're going back to work.

It totally depends on what your baby is like. What does a typical day look like for you, and a typical night?

I'm currently on mat leave with DC2.

Housework is probably split 70/30, I do more as I'm home more but not all as so much time is taken up with the baby.

Weekends everything is split evenly.

He gets toddler ready most days while I sort the baby, we share nursery drop offs.

Night feeds- BF so I obviously do the feeding, but he sleeps while I'm feeding then does nappy change and burps and puts baby back to sleep. Currently lucky that it's just 1/2 feeds a night, if we were getting no sleep I'd take on more of the night shift.

I did all the night feeds. Mostly bf anyway, although at one point DS was on bottles and still had night feeds. DH is terrible in the night and I’m pretty competent. However he used to do a dream feed around 10/11 and he would often get up with the kids early and I’d be able to go back to bed for a bit after the morning feed. He doesn’t leave for work til 8.30 so I could often sleep til 8 if it had been a bad night.

He also did bath and bedtime whenever he was home on time. And would take toddler out a lot when DD was newborn. Housework I did the majority as I was home all day, but he would do it if I asked.

Nowadays the kids are better sleepers so we take turns getting up early, and he mostly does his fair share of baths and bedtimes and weekend child entertaining. I do feel that it is roughly 50/50 when he’s not at work

@Pinkblueberry I do the cooking cleaning and tidying up as well as taking care of DS all day and the house still is a mess. it’s so hard to keep it clean with a baby (DH complains about that too but that’s another story) and maybe get 2 hours of sleep when DH gets home then I do all evening and night and then DH goes to work again in the morning. We don’t really spend much time together to be honest but that’s because I’m exhausted. During the day our DS has really bad reflux and colic so he doesn’t settle and I don’t get much sleep. Only when I can ask MIL for help do I get any time alone with DH.

So DH would wake up at 6, get ready, do the laundry, make me tea and toast and sandwich for lunch. By this time I would wake up and feed the baby.
He would then take the baby, feed him and play while I had a shower and ate breakfast.
Then he would do any other jobs (unloading the dishwasher etc) and leave.
I would do most of the cooking and the rest of the jobs during the day. If that wasn’t possible in the early days, DH would come home and cook.
He has been home and done bathtime now for both kids for the majority of the last 8 years. In that time I will clean up downstairs and load the dishwasher.
On the weekends I get a lie in (we both work FT but I do more of the childcare and housework) and he takes the kids down for breakfast. He’s an early riser and doesn’t mind. He does all the garden stuff, irons everyone’s clothes and will basically do whatever is needed.
We have no family and no help. Both kids have been in childcare since about 7 months.

I started like you, but ended up going back to work when DD1 was 6 weeks old as I could not take being at home with a colicky baby.
I would work 6-12 pm shift, so would hand screaming baby to DH on my way out the door at 5.45.
Dinner would be made during morning nap time.
I would return to baby fed, bathed and in bed.
DH then knew well what was involved with looking after colicky baby.
I suggest you leave him with baby for a few hours initially and take MIL with you, so DH gets an idea on how much work baby is

I work three days a week, DH is a SAHD. Childcare split 50:50. DH does all the nappy and baby clothes washing, all the washing up, lots of the cooking, keeps kitchen tidy and vacuums. I clean the bathroom, vacuum other rooms, dust. We both food shop, put bins out, do our own laundry.

Luckily my mum works part time and is happy to watch my little one for a few hours on her days off (Monday's and Tuesdays) whilst I'm on mat leave so I can have a blitz of the house and do the food shop or something.

Night feeds are all on me as DH works 45 hrs a week as a lorry driver so needs his sleep.. he leaves the house at 6am and isn't back home until 5pm in the week.

However, he naturally wakes up early due to nature of his job so weekend mornings he is happy to sort baby whilst I have a lie in, and he will often put a wash on and do some ironing or hoovering. He is also in charge of the bins and recycling lol.

We take it in turns to cook.

Usually the pot washing and bathrooms are left to me, but I don't mind that.

It's all about team work I think!

I do all the housework during the day whilst DH is at work - I would do this before Mat leave too. He gets home around 5:30 and showers, then takes DD for a cuddle (4 weeks old) and changes any nappies etc whilst I shower & do any additional housework I couldn't do during the day. We take turns to cook dinner, depends if DD is feeding (EBF on demand) at the time we cook too. During the night I feed her, but tend to wake him to wind her and change her nappy. He does housework if there's anything I can't manage!